Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

304 replies

poxyfoxy · 20/03/2013 12:13

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair Sad

OP posts:
CatPussInACrownOfThorns · 22/03/2013 12:10

What Astley said!

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:44

No we weren't married, but planned to be.

My name now is the name I will always carry, regardless of what the future holds. I wanted DH's name, and it is now my name as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:46

I wanted my other DC to carry the same name because I knew I would have it too.

I'm blessed really to have the experience I had with my ex... I learnt a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:49

You say it didn't feel right taking your DH's name, well to me, it did. I had no feelings associated with my previous name, but I do with my 'new' name, it's who I am, and a reflection of the family I joined when I married my DH. I guess that's why I'm sympathetic to my DS, rather than my exDP.

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 22/03/2013 12:50

But what would happen if you split from his step father? He hasn't been adopted and he has a regular and good relationship with his dad. If it ain't broke don't fix it. He has a dad, and he should have his dad's name. Or your name. not the name of a man who is not his dad. He has a dad, and I'm not surprised he is pissed off. Plenty of women keep their own names and it doesn't case all sorts of confusion for their children who may have their father's name, or a double barreled name.

TheRealFellatio · 22/03/2013 12:50

cause, not case

akaemmafrost · 22/03/2013 12:51

Angel if you're feeling at all bored today google The F Scale. It's a nice little interactive "quiz". I suspect you may find much that interests you there Smile.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:51

No, he has two Dad's. This isn't unusual Hmm My Dh has been around a lot longer than his bio Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:53

and that's what he wants.., my name (and his brothers) to be added to his. Our name happens to have come from my DH, but it's still MY name.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:55

If we did split he would still have contact with my DH, along with his brothers, he has been his father for 7 years, he has a father/son bond with him, to my DH DS is not just 'his wife's son', so that wouldn't change if we split.

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 12:58

God, what is this? Fathers for Justice?

We talking about a man that kicked his girlfriend and newborn out onto the street! He is not the doting father that you lot have assumed he is

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:00

and although contact now is more regular- it's not great. He's just cancelled another weekend (this weekend, one days notice) with DS as he 'has to go away' Hmm

OP posts:
Kendodd · 22/03/2013 13:00

'I'm blessed really to have the experience I had with my ex... I learnt a lot.'

What is it you think you've learnt?

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:02

Too long to list.... I don't particularly want to go there, actually

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 22/03/2013 13:03

Poxy its unlikely he would.

They say they will but more often they don't bother with the sc after you have parted company.

The thing about breaking up with someone is you rarely do it if that person is a decent person who behaves well and keeps there word.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:10

They say they will Hmm

Have you met my DH.... had a chat with my DS about their relationship? I don't know why you feel you can comment, really.

OP posts:
Timetoask · 22/03/2013 13:14

poxy, I get the feeling that it is YOU who is desperate to change your child's name.
He has a biological father, like it or not, they have contact. You are doing him no favours if you are making him feel upset about the name he carries.
When he becomes an adult, if he feels he really wants to change his name, then he can do it without pressure from anyone.
For now, it really is best if you deal with his sense of self, allow him to accept who he is and where he came from.

Kendodd · 22/03/2013 13:35

"Poxy its unlikely he would.

They say they will but more often they don't bother with the sc after you have parted company."

I have to agree there is a very high chance that if you split SF would have no contact with your son.

I very high number of bio fathers stop seeing their own children after a split (although I think a small amount of this is because mothers block access), they are even less likely to see step children. Do they even have any right of access to them?

Does Peter Andre still see his step son? he's never photographed with him any more, and I'm sure he felt genuine love for him when he was with his mum.

But, lets be optimistic, we have a very high split rate, but most marriages still do last, so chances are yours will.

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:38

Timetoask- have you read the whole thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:39

Does Peter Andre still see his SDS Hmm. Really?

I give up

OP posts:
AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 22/03/2013 13:40

Sounds like you need to speak to someone professional, Angel

It wasn't actually aimed at you - it was in response to a few other posts where people had never married, but kept having children from other men regardless. And then I started thinking of Jeremy Kyle-type people and got all hot and bothered. It felt good though!

I do actually have experience with this aside from my sister's situation. My husband's parents divorced when he was 5. She remarried, moved country and the new husband adopted him and his surname was changed to that of his step father. His biological father was in the background (veeeery far background sadly) and was not an active father type. He is closer to him now that he is older and wiser. Thankfully his Mum and step Dad are still together and my husband has half siblings.
I asked him his opinion or if he thought about it. He said he didn't give it a second thought as his step Dad raised him plus it would have been weird to have a different name to that of his family. And people would have asked all the time why...... And a bit 'council house'. His words, not mine.

Personally I would go with what your son wants to do. Children are not stupid. And it's his feelings that count, not your Xs. He didn't ask for this situation. And I have to agree with my husband. It's a bit povy to have a different name to one of your children when you are happily married with other children from the new marriage.

Best of luck and apologies if I offended you - it really wasn't aimed at you specifically. Sub consciously it was probably aimed at my idiot sister. Flowers

Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:42

I'll indulge you though

See if Peter Andre can do it, maybe my mere mortal DH can too Hmm

Can actually believe I've entered into an argument about a hypothetical situation

OP posts:
Original poster
poxyfoxy · 22/03/2013 13:43

Thanks Angel Smile

(promise I've not been on Jeremy Kyle Grin )

OP posts:
AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 22/03/2013 13:57

Haha, I know you haven't! You sound like a great Mum! All the best.

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 22/03/2013 14:07

akaemmafrost Haha, you must have done Psychology too! We actually did that test and I'm happy to say that I was very low on the scale. It is believed to be a very flawed scale though, so maybe you're right. Re-reading my comment....yes, I am JUST like Hitler! For thinking women shouldn't have various children by various men. How terrible of me to think of the effect on the children....

Have a great weekend!