To make my grown sons move to their Dads???????

[lollaby]

This will be long winded but please, please stick with me, I'm desperate and about to freak out!!!
I'm a single Mum and I'm going crazy!!!
I had my first son at 18 and my other at 20. By the age of 21 I separated from their Dad and raised them on my own (although they did go to their Dads/Grans every second weekend and they are now very close to their fathers family, more so then mine) Anyway I've spent most of my life raising my sons. As kids they were sweet and adorable and all was good, but when they hit 14 it all changed, almost like they became possessed and turned into "knowing it all smart arsed teenagers". They are now 19 and 20... And nothing has changed!! if anything they now behave like the Gurus of the twenty first century and I should bow down to them when ever blessed with their presence.
There not bad boys i.e there not verbally abusive (they don't swear, well not in front of me anyway) but they do constantly call each other "idiot" or "fool" and other belittling names way too many to list, there not violent, they don't do drugs or steal or anything like that, they both go college and work part time, they both contribute financially when they can, but money is not the issue here.
My youngest son is off to Uni this September, friends and family say I'm blessed and so lucky to have them, my eldest has even been called the perfect son and in many ways he is, I love them both dearly and am so proud of them, that will never change, my love is unconditional (well sometimes) but for the last 5 years or more they both have this attitude (especially the eldest) that their the head's of the house, they both constantly undermine me and completely disregard what I say. I feel like I'm becoming a nagging, resentful old hag and I'm only 39.
We argue all the time, over stupid little things, they don't swear but they argue back and refuse to back down, I'm always the one to apologize first just to stop the negative vibes and because I feel so bad that I shouted at them. I tell them I love them and we need to find a better way to communicate, we kiss and hug but the same thing happens again. They both don't take me seriously at all, its like an endless battle or a continuous power struggle and I'm just fed up. Sometimes I actually feel like I hate them which makes me feel awful. I don't hate them, they just drive me mad.
We argue over the T.V all the time, they want to watch the bloody football as there's always some really important game on which seems to be when ever I want to watch something, I always back down and let them watch the stupid game and in turn they dominate the living room.
I also have an 8 year old daughter from a different relationship that didn't work, 8 months ago my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and has regular Chemo this treatment will last until November 2014. My eldest constantly teases his sister which isn't helpful or productive in any way, when I tell him to stop he just tells me not to get involved at that point I want to smack him, when I get angry they both either laugh condescendingly or moan about the sound of my voice, at that point I want to jump out the window or whack both their heads together.
The constant arguing is not healthy for my daughter and is a terrible example, she's now showing the same attitude towards me, always answering back and just seems to be ruder when her brothers are around, when their not at home she's sweet as pie, not sure if she picks up on my frustration or just mimics her brothers behavior. She also calls them "stupid" or "idiots" as that's what she hears them call each other. I hate these belittling words being thrown around the house so casually. I need to prioritize my daughter right now.
They always have an opinion on everything I do, I don't date and haven't dated for over 5 years as its just too awkward and my eldest son is always checking up on me. They come and go as they please coming home anytime they like, I don't mind as its the only time I get some peace and to be honest its the only time I get on with my eldest son, usually because his had a few drinks and isn't so up-tight.
3 weeks ago it was my 39th birthday, my eldest son didn't get me anything not even a card when I said to him jokingly a card would have been nice, he freaked out and was extremely rude. We argued but this time I didn't say sorry, I wanted to see what he would do, well 3 weeks later and we are still not talking. He walks around the house all moody and grumpy and its driving me insane.
When I have told them to go to their Dads they basically roll their eyes at me and never take me seriously but now I've had enough and I feel its time for them to either move out or live with their Dad or their Gran otherwise I feel like I'm about to go insane, we are at a deadlock and I cant keep backing down and apologizing, ultimately I want them to be happy but not at the price of my sanity.
The only problem is, my sons don't want to go, I guess its because they wont have as much freedom there as they do here and they cant huff and puff as their father will put them in their place also because he lives in a different area but its not to far, just a short bus drive and my eldest drives anyway, I suppose it just wont be so convenient for them to chill with their friends or do the things they do locally i.e football, football and more football (by the way their Dad loves football too) I'm guessing these are the reasons as they wont tell me why they don't want to move there when I ask them, sometimes they agree and say "OK", they go to their Dads or their Grans but they don't take nothing with them and they keep coming back to collect their bloody football kit and then after a few nights there back and we start all over again.
I also want my life back, is that wrong ??? I have given them twenty years of my life (some may say the best years of my life) do I have to give them the next best twenty years too? As a mother am a destined to be a martyr to my kids for the rest of my life??? Or can I claim my life back when they hit 18 or 20 or 21 ??? Or should I just wait until their ready??? It's getting tougher out there especially for the youth, is it my job to shelter them until they can afford to move out independently ??? And why oh why do I feel so guilty all the time ??? After all they are grown arsed men right ???
Sorry for the long story but any advise or opinions will be greatly appreciated.

[FloatyBeatie]

Well done. That's terrific. Glad it has worked out well, and best wishes for your daughter's speedy recovery.

[Lueji]

BramshawHill
r e a d t h e u p d a t e s . . .

[PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn]

well done lollaby. your son will forgive you, you'll be able to sit down and talk about it without emotion in a couple of months. In the immediate future you'll feel like you'll be able to breathe.

And if your younger son starts acting up, remember, you can always point out that DS1 was asked to leave, no matter how soon he's going to uni, he can be too...

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I think you are doing the right thing

IIWY I would also tell younger son that either things change (and detail the changes) or you will pack up his things too.

I think this is helpful
www.loveandlogic.com/pages/getalife.html