To have a child with my ex?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Me and exp split several months ago, we already have ds who is nearly 2. The split was amicable, we still speak often and occasionally have days out with all of us together and it's not awkward. We are good friends.
I'd like ds to have a sibling with a fairly smallish age gap between them
My reasoning is
1: I know ex is a good dad, he has 50% custody of ds and is really good with him, always has been very hands on and involved.
2: if I waited to meet someone else down the line there wouldn't be the smallish age gap I'd like and there's also a possibility they could switch once baby is born or once I'm pregnant and become an uninterested waste of space. I'd feel so bad for the second child.
3: I think it would be easier in someways for them to have the same father. There's less likely to be resenment and jelousy between them.
4: I already know we produce very cute babies kidding!

Now I its uh a bit unconventional and i know things can change, I could still meet someone and have number 3 with them etc etc etc I'm not discounting all these things but as far as things go apart from the possibility of all that is this a stupid idea and why?
On a side note, I work and can afford to have number 2. I'm not expecting anyone to "pay" for my children. I know most of you will say this is irrelevant and your right but I also know there will be people at home who would otherwise assume I'm not working and not going to be.
I know it will be more difficult than it was with ds as exp would be around but not as much as he was with ds.

I remember a thread about a single woman who wanted to remain sigle using a sperm donor to get pg. The replies there were positive and she was heralded as a strong independant woman.

This situation is similar except this child will know its father and people are being negative I think its because some people are too stuck in their ways and rhave rigid thought patterns. Unable to think outside a box.

Presumably the op breastfed her firt child too and therfore he will make do with other things like all fathers of bf babies do.

I would do it too, if I were in your situation.

I would, I don't see the problem.

But then I was massively focused on having a sibling for ds1, and I don't regret it for a second - nothing in the world beats seeing their interaction.

If the OP had said she would use a sperm donor to have another baby, would people have reacted as negatively?

Crawling, this situation is not similar. The OP wants to have a baby with her ex, not stay single with no father involvement.
This would be so confusing for her ds. I don't think it's a good idea at all - hurt all round for the kids. This should not be about what the OP wants, it's about the emotional health of her children.

Something, yes there are always unforseens, but this is very much seen. The OP and her ex had a relationship that broke down under pressure. This should give a clue as to how it would turn out if they had another dc together.

OP I don't mean this question to sound half as snarky as it does, but if you and your ex were relying on the council to house you how can you afford two children by yourself? Or have I misunderstood?

OP you say you are thinking of this primarily to give your DS a sibling....I did the same (although I am married and DH is father to both children). My two children fight like cat and dog, constant bickering and sniping, there appears to be no love lost between them. I am hoping they will grow closer and more fond of each other, but 6 years later, they aren't showing much sign of it. It breaks my heart....be careful what you wish for.

Hi everyone, sorry iv been at my evening class. Right I'll try to answer all the questions.
stranger no its a fair question. I work and I have a mortgage so no council housing involved. I get working tax and child tax. I gues everyone's opinion will differ as to whether or not I'm a benefit scrounge due to that.

Mimisam I'm sorry to hear that, I hope they will appreciate each other more as they grow. What's the age gap between them?

expat last comments a bit harsh but I'm not surprised since its your posting style. I don't regret being "weak" and splitting it was best for ds not to be in a household where things were tense. He's very happy and as I said it's benefited us all really.
wannabe your last post is very valid. I can't see him ever being uninterested but I do worry he'll feel sad at seeing this child less. However he was off work sick when I had ds, he went back to work for a few weeks when ds was a newborn then had to be off again. Together or not he would never see the second child as much as he did with ds because he's working now. I would try to make sure he saw the new baby on his 2 days off a week

curious no ticking clock I'm 24. I'd like to have all my children how and then focus on my career once their a bit older. My job at the moment is very flexible and my boss is, well the best boss ever really. The job I want to do further down the line won't be so flexible. This is also playing on my mind.

porridge you sound lovely too and I'm sure you'll make a brilliant mum.
Would you like some of my exs sperm he's happy to give it away?

flogging I am thinking logically I can assure you. I have very real worries and everything people are pointing out has already crossed my mind.

kickass when I was pregnant last time ex hurt his back, I think I was around 6 months gone when it happened. So although I had the emotional support of him being around and it was lovely that he could come to the antenatal classes and I didn't have to ring him frantically to tell him I was in labour as he was already at home I has the stress of money and going from working 60 hours a week to being on maternity then him going on sick pay from a full time wage. Swings and roundabouts really.

hilda it wouldn't be for at least 6 months anyway, I have a hen do in August and my best friend will kill me if I don't go plus iv already paid flights so it would have to be after that which is good as it gives a good period of thinking time.

roobie when ds is here my mum watches him while I do 4 hours at work. My boss would allow me to take him,she really is brilliant and if he was sick she'd let me be off. My job is as such that it's good money for what it is but I'm not vital. I'm also very close with my boss.
buzz I fancy him yes, I wouldn't have been with him otherwise. We didn't have a horrible shouty I hate you break up so There's no resentment or hate there. He still comes to help me with things in the house if I can't do it myself, when we split I gave him half of ds clothes, toys etc and when he was short on cash a few weeks ago I gave him some so they could have a day out. We also help each other out with early pick ups if needed and are flexible.

wiggles I guess I optimistic it would happen rather quickly, ds was conceived in less than a month. I'd have to see how I felt If it took longer, I can imagine most of all it would be rather deflating and maybe I'd look at it as a sign. As for him dating, yeah I think that would be weird but if in 6 months he's not dating then I'm sure he can put a hold on it for a bit longer. If he's already dating then this isn't likely to go ahead unless his new gf is VERY open minded

Sorry for all the typos and clearly I meant they're not their

If you're both happy with doing that, then theres no problem.

It makes me uneasy but if the two of you want to do it I can think of worse scenarios. I wouldn't do it, but I don't have to live your life.

But you have to be sure that you sit down and talk about EVERYTHING.

He is 70 miles away. So for a lot of the time it will be you, a new born and another small child. it is going to be much, much harder than the first time when you had a loving supportive dad on the scene.

How resentful are you going to get that he isn't there all the time to help? What if he meets someone else and wants a baby with her? How are you going to deal with the inevitably different bond/relationship the baby will have as opposed to the older child? What if he finds it too difficult when reality strikes? What if you get so angry and resentful with him it all comes crashing down for your elder son as well? What if you meet someone else and want to have more babies with him?

You can't predict everything in life. But as others have pointed out, there is a lot here that is known. And not necessarily great.

I've just been reading all your posts. My initial thought was go for it, I don't want a big age gap between my children and So i completely understand that n if you know he's a great dad then that's perfect. I did however change my mind when u said he would get back with you now if you wanted him. He is obviously still in love with you if you know that and I think he would be agreeing to do this for the wrong reasons, mainly to get close to you and he probably thinks a baby might bring you back together.

Unfortunately you can not just think of yourself in this matter, you have to look at him objectively and if you don't want to go back to him then don't do this as it will just give him false hope and hurt him further in the future x

I think it's a bad idea and is he up for it in the first place? If he wants you to come back to him, that would definitely give him false hopes and is quite cruel. If you want to do it to get him to come back to you, it could backfire massively.

You and exP should do what is right for your family and your circumstances. Love makes a family. There are plenty of happy love filled family units that are not based around 2 people 'in love' or in conventional a relationship. Whatever gets you through the night OP! - good luck

And there are plenty of miserable, resentful single parents dealing with a lot of shit essentially on their own.

Love doesn't make the world go round, not for children anyway. They need people to be to be THERE for them, physically and emotionally. He is 70 miles away.

Are you at least going to talk about him moving closer?

If you go into this singing la la la it will all be super, we will just be an unconventional family unit, but love will see us though - then I will consider you a massive idiot. This is not about what gets you through the night, but the impact of your choices on two children.

If you are both in agreement, sod everyone else, do it. ~When I think of some families eg the Philpotts dogging etc. you have nothing to worry about.
Two consenting adults, don't see a problem.

Who knows if you will ever meet 'the one'. Thumbs up from me.

OP, my last post wasn't harsh at all. Perhaps you viewed it that way because you didn't want to read it, but you yourself explained why you split up. I don't know either you or your ex so am going entirely on what you've written.

OP, have you considered how dramatically your life as a single parent might chance if you had a disabled child, or suffered from PND?

I'm thinking how your life changed when your ex developed a back problem and was no longer able to work - leading to you splitting up.

Do you have family/support from anyone living close by to you?

If there were any problems like that and your ex lives 70 miles away, you'd need someone local to support you.

I think in theory this looks like a good idea if it all goes swimmingly...but the harsh reality is that it might not.

I know the same could be said for anyone, but I think there's a big difference between finding yourself as a single parent of a newborn and a 4yr old, and actually planning it.

I wonder what comments your ex might make on this thread.

I think you are still suffering from emotional fall-out from your partner breakup. Now is not a good time to be having more babies.

It sounds like a fantasy ? a thought out fantasy but a fantasy none the less. In reality, how will your partner build up a new life for himself 70 miles from where you live, if he does what you expect and spends all his time off with you and your baby? It?s one thing for him to have whole weeks with your son. It?s quite another for him to be spending all his days off with you and his two children, who together will be a lot more work than just the one for many years. He?s unlikely to form any new relationships until the baby is older and can visit without you?.. Or is that really what you?re after? Stopping your ex from moving on? And if he does form a new relationship, maybe while you?re pregnant, do you think he?ll be happy spending loads of his time off with you once the baby is born? He may agree to it, but is that a happy situation? And when your baby is older, will you mind handing him over to your ex and another woman for visits?

Sorry to be blunt but the big difference between this and a gay couple or a single woman with a sperm donor is in those two little letters - ex. There are unforeseen in all relationships but there are also bloody great elephant traps that you only fail to see if you shut your eyes while you walk straight at them. Having another baby with an ex is one of them.

Either you need to rebuild your relationship, move back together and then have another child, or else you both need to move on. Good luck, anyway!

In an ideal world, I would love to have another child with my ex. Problem being, I would be resentful all over again for the crap he put me through when I was pregnant with his daughter. There is a reason why you and him are not together. How will having another child enrich either of your lives if you are separated?

"If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got."

-- W. L. Bateman

Friend of mine wanted another baby with a man she was about to dump in case her first child turned out to be a drug addict or otherwise undesirable so,she would have one to 'fall back on'.

She was quite cross I didn't wholeheartedly support her but thank god she didn't go ahead with it as ex has turned out to be a massive pain in the bum and co parenting their one child is proving to be very stressful... And they only live a few miles apart.