To have a child with my ex?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Me and exp split several months ago, we already have ds who is nearly 2. The split was amicable, we still speak often and occasionally have days out with all of us together and it's not awkward. We are good friends.
I'd like ds to have a sibling with a fairly smallish age gap between them
My reasoning is
1: I know ex is a good dad, he has 50% custody of ds and is really good with him, always has been very hands on and involved.
2: if I waited to meet someone else down the line there wouldn't be the smallish age gap I'd like and there's also a possibility they could switch once baby is born or once I'm pregnant and become an uninterested waste of space. I'd feel so bad for the second child.
3: I think it would be easier in someways for them to have the same father. There's less likely to be resenment and jelousy between them.
4: I already know we produce very cute babies kidding!

Now I its uh a bit unconventional and i know things can change, I could still meet someone and have number 3 with them etc etc etc I'm not discounting all these things but as far as things go apart from the possibility of all that is this a stupid idea and why?
On a side note, I work and can afford to have number 2. I'm not expecting anyone to "pay" for my children. I know most of you will say this is irrelevant and your right but I also know there will be people at home who would otherwise assume I'm not working and not going to be.
I know it will be more difficult than it was with ds as exp would be around but not as much as he was with ds.

no-one can be 100% sure their
relationship is not going to fall apart but many of us go ahead and have
babies anyway, regardless of depressing
statistics and knowing a load of people whose relationships didn't last.

Well we know the OPs relationship didn't last so not sure what your point is?

OP, I am a single lady and will be trying for my first in the next six to twelve months using anonymous donor sperm. My child will be born into a very stable, loving and secure environment, will be loved and adored and have their every need met. I think your position is actually even better than mine as your child will have two parents who love him or her and a brother, too.

You may have gathered - I don't think YABU at all. May I also say I think you sound lovely :)

Hey porridge, are you the same porridge from the dating thread a few weeks back?

Jog my memory If it was me stating I'm terminally unlucky where dating is concerned then yes, probably!

expat
no need to be rude - my point is you could advise anyone not to have a
baby just in case it all goes tits up, no matter what their relationship
status. You must be really very naive if you think that a couple with
children always equals happy family.

In your situation, I'd do it. I think your reasons are valid.

it's an incredibly stupid idea.

Apart from anything else, you are planning on bringing a baby into a family where he has an unequal relationship with his father compared to that of his sibling.

You say that he won't have the baby in the way he has your current ds due to you breastfeeding, so no opportunity for him to bond in the same way with this baby as he has with your ds. By the time the baby is of an age where he might be able to spend the equal time with his father as his sibling your ds will be starting school so living with you full time and you will be cutting your ex' access as it is, at which point you will cease to co parent, so no opportunity for the new baby to spend that kind of time with his father, and thus no opportunity for him/her to develop the same kind of relationship with him.

You have given thought to your ds having a sibling (why? he will have the opportunity of that if you meet someone else, or if your ex meets someone else), but you have given absolutely no thought to the innocent child you are selfishly thinking of bringing into the world. yabvu.

Ah no, it was porridge with a different addition! But good luck with your treatment anyway

wow, you've got it all figured out, haven't you wannabe?

I would say either be with your EX or not but I don't think that it is a good idea to have a baby with him if there is no chance of you two being a couple, My reasons being; Your DS will be very confused and it may affect him emotionally, It will be hard on you and your EX when the baby is here and may put a strain on your amicable relationship and the baby shouldn't be brought into a broken family through choice.

Of course the baby will get to bond he can visit the house to see him and when the older one is in school he will have 50% childcare of his second child.

It must be a very tidy ideal world you live in, wannaBe...

I know a man who decided with his wife to live in separate homes. He picked his DD up after school everyday as he is self-employed and could do that.
When i asked why, as they later had another baby, he said it suited them both.
He got away from the 'feminine nagging', could live how he wanted in his flat.
She didn't have to cook, wash for him or tidy up after him and only had sex with him when she wanted it.
She knew he was a brilliant dad and they are both happy and independant now - making no demands on eachother but being there for eachother when needed.

well, op has stated in a previous post that the baby won't be spending the same level of time with its father due to the fact she will be breastfeeding. She has also stated that access will be cut when her ds starts school. Now assuming the op even gets pregnant straight away the ds will be three by the time it's born, op will presumably bf for at least a few months (if time spent compared to bf is something that has been considered) by which time the ds will be at least 3.5 (and this is assuming he is only two and not 2.5 or older).

So let's say that the baby then gets the 50/50 access that the current ds currently gets until he starts school, doo you then think it's fair on the current ds to suddenly cut his time with his father while allowing him to watch his sibling go off to the same father for more time? And what if the ex then went to court to demand equal access to both children - he would almost certinly be granted it.

So no, I don't think it's fair on the children at all and can only lead to resentment.

Oh come on, what about a gay dad fathering a child with a lesbian couple, with whom he definitely won't be in a couple relationship - it happens and there's nothing to say it can't work beautifully. Of course, there's no guarantee it will, but the same is true of all parenting set-ups.

And that's nonsense too. All siblings have different relationships with their parents, qualitatively and quantitatively. That in itself is not problematic.

I'd discuss the possibility of it with your ex,see what he says,and then revisit it in 6 months.If it's to go as well as possible,you both need to imagine any possible scenario and having time to think it through will make that possible.You both need to be fully on board with it.

Apart from that,I wish you all the best.Babies come into the world in all ways,for a wanted baby to enter a family where both parents have proven to each other they can get along as a team,whether together or not,certainly doesn't sound like the worst plan to me at all.Good luck

Something, I don't think you can compare. My best friend has had a baby and is contemplating a second one with her gay friend. They have nowhere near the complications that the OP will have with her ex.

What about you in this situation? Last time you were pregnant, you were in a long-term relationship, with the emotional support that your ex offered. This time around you know it won't be the same. Reading these boards, women who find themselves alone when pregnant are very worried, lonely, scared etc. OK, so you think you know what you're getting into, but thinking about it, and living it are two different things.

Logically, it makes some sense, but babies aren't about logic.

Having said that, I do wonder if the whole ideal of 'the family' needs to be re-invented, because it surely doesn't work for everyone. Perhaps more women should just say 'this is what I want, this is what I'll do'. Those who are married often do that, even if their dh is less than ideal. I don't see that much difference really.

well, a gay man having a child for a lesbian couple is generally brought into the dynamic as a family friend uncle and such like rather than a father so is entirely different.

There's a difference between having a difficult situation due to circumstance and having one of your own creation. Op doesn't need to have a baby now, there is plenty of opportunity for her to have one with someone who she does have an emotional connection with, without creating this stressed dynamic.

People should have a baby because they want one, as a couple (if it is a couple dynamic involved in the creation of the baby) not because they think it's a good idea to have a sibling for their existing child which is x years apart . Who says the child would have a close relationship with a sibling anyway - plenty of children don't.

And having sex with someone you know is still in love with you just to use them for their sperm is just wrong anyway.

in your situation Id be worried that ex-p would be little more than a sperm donor to dc2, despite being a great dad to dc1

Living 70 miles away will be very different to living with new baby in terms of forming a bond

Also, what if you get pregnant but then ex-p meets someone else? You could be pregnant/have new baby whilst he enjoys jetting off somewhere with new GF!

not saying YABU, just wondering if you've thought through the scenarios? Obviously people have dc in much worse circumstances & manage fine, but I personally wouldn't choose to do this..

No, very few parenting set ups come with any guarantee, but there will usually be the hope / expectation, whatever, that things will work out well when you embark on the parenting journey in the first place.

Going into a sub optimal situation like the one wannaBe describes with your eyes wide open is a completely different kettle of fish.
And the op doesn't even seem to be seeing it as clearly as that; it's all from her perspective, nothing at all about the other three (potentially) involved.

Expat, I don't think you can say that for sure. There are unforeseens in all relationships.

but there is a difference between unforeseen and perfectly foreseeable. The ex is going to start out with an unequal relationship from the beginning - op has already said that he won't be having the baby due to her bf. Now this could potentially go one of two ways - the ex may just not be that interested in the baby given all he will have been is a sperm donor, not there for the actual pregnancy etc, or he may resent being pushed out of his youngest child's life and denied an equal relationship - a relationship he would have had were they still together, and things could get nasty. Just because they are amicable now there is no guarantee that it will stay that way when the access arrangements start to be dictated by the op where there originally was 50/50 parenting...