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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a child with my ex?

124 replies

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:12

Me and exp split several months ago, we already have ds who is nearly 2. The split was amicable, we still speak often and occasionally have days out with all of us together and it's not awkward. We are good friends.
I'd like ds to have a sibling with a fairly smallish age gap between them
My reasoning is
1: I know ex is a good dad, he has 50% custody of ds and is really good with him, always has been very hands on and involved.
2: if I waited to meet someone else down the line there wouldn't be the smallish age gap I'd like and there's also a possibility they could switch once baby is born or once I'm pregnant and become an uninterested waste of space. I'd feel so bad for the second child.
3: I think it would be easier in someways for them to have the same father. There's less likely to be resenment and jelousy between them.
4: I already know we produce very cute babies kidding!

Now I its uh a bit unconventional and i know things can change, I could still meet someone and have number 3 with them etc etc etc I'm not discounting all these things but as far as things go apart from the possibility of all that is this a stupid idea and why?
On a side note, I work and can afford to have number 2. I'm not expecting anyone to "pay" for my children. I know most of you will say this is irrelevant and your right but I also know there will be people at home who would otherwise assume I'm not working and not going to be.
I know it will be more difficult than it was with ds as exp would be around but not as much as he was with ds.

OP posts:

ExpatAl · 18/03/2013 15:53

I don't care about the single bit and haven't mentioned it. To me a broken relationship is entirely different because that definitely comes with baggage. And a baby is hugely stressful so with that added into the mix... I just can't see this as anything other than nuts and I think a child brought into this situation as it stands now will get hurt.

slhilly · 18/03/2013 15:57

I think it's a fine idea, but I do think you should push yourself to stress-test it a bit. Think about what could go wrong and do some contingency planning. After all, you like planning . So work through possible issues such as money; emotional changes for you, DS, exDP; wider family reactions; time requirements; legal status; etc etc.

And once it's sorted, go for it.

Kiriwawa · 18/03/2013 16:13

It isn't necessarily a broken relationship ExpatAl, it's a co-parenting relationship rather than a romantic one.

OP - have you discussed it with your ex? If he isn't in agreement (or prepared to consider the idea) then the whole thing is a moot point anyway! But fwiw I don't think you're crazy at all

Floggingmolly · 18/03/2013 16:16

They had a romantic relationship, and it's now over. Acrimonious or not, I'd call that pretty broken.

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 16:18

I just think it's a real shame that the OP seems to have given up on the idea of having a baby with somebody she is in a relationship with and who she loves and who will be a great dad too. It is possible to have all those things! Why give up on that just because you don't want an age gap? .

IMO OP, your ex may have a lot going for him, but he ain't that perfect or you would still be together . Why sell yourself short when you could have the whole shebang?

bangwhizz · 18/03/2013 16:19

If you do not love each other enough to be together, then you shouldn't be having a baby together.

StuntGirl · 18/03/2013 16:20

I wouldn't.

Thisisaeuphemism · 18/03/2013 16:22

I wouldn't if I were him

Defragged · 18/03/2013 16:23

Domjolly the situation you describe is the one OP probably needs to be most aware of - you say the relationship between the two parents is now "worse than ever" - does this mean it wasn't good/amicable at the time of conception? I am wondering if there is a difference here, or whether with good awareness of the possible downfalls, the OP & ExP can work to avoid that kind of problem? Contingency planning as slhilly suggests....

I think it all rests on whether ExP will really be ok with staying split or not (it seems OP would be) and how this would affect his relationship with a new baby.

ExpatAl · 18/03/2013 16:25

Kiri it can't be a cool and calm co parenting agreement. These guys had a relationship together.

ChairmanWow · 18/03/2013 16:34

I'm assuming the OP is confident that their relationship is amicable and robust enough to withstand another baby.

You've obviously thought it out and he's proved himself to be a good dad so far, so why not. There are so many different kinds of families including co-parents rather than couples. It only becomes an issue where people are hung up on the 'perfect' nuclear family, and sod them.

But you've yet to answer the turkey baster question...

Kiriwawa · 18/03/2013 16:38

ExpatAl - this summer, I'll be going on holiday with 2 of my exes and our families.

Sometimes people realise they're better off as friends rather than in a couple and there isn't actually any rancour or bitterness.

Defragged · 18/03/2013 16:46

Yes Kiri and they seem to already have a cool, calm co-parenting arrangement in place - more than I could say for a lot of nuclear parents I know

ExpatAl · 18/03/2013 16:48

Yes, they have a cool calm agreement with their ds. The other dc will be conceived in entirely different circumstances.

PrincessRagnhild · 18/03/2013 16:51

I can't quite get my head around why, if he's such a great dad and you get on so well and have such good understanding of each other, you aren't together any more! I know there are lots of reasons why you might have broken up, but unless he's been a total cock towards you (in which case don't have another baby with him) or you flat out find him unattractive, then why aren't you together?

Original poster

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 17:25

Wow I can't believe how many people want to know about the turkey baster. No it would be the conventional fun method

Princess we broke up because he had problems with his back, he was unable to work and it put a huge amount of pressure on us. We broke up, he moved back to his hometown because he couldn't afford to stay round here and our council wouldn't help as he'd only lived here 2 years and it has to be 5 or something like that. We were together 5 years to whoever asked
Anyway he's on the road to recovery now and got himself a job so it would be counterproductive for us to get back together now and go back to the situation we were in that put stress on us.

Flump I haven't given up on the idea of having a loving relationship but I don't see having a baby with someone as the "whole shebang". I'd like to think mr wonderful would feel my dc we're like his own and not be bothered by genetics. But then iv always had a weird view on blood realationahips anyway as my 3 sisters were fostered and I don't bother with my dad.
My ds could be adopted and I'd love him every bit the same

OP posts:

Rooble · 18/03/2013 17:55

I'm inclined to think it's horses for courses - wouldn't suit me but may suit the four of you.
As a great planner, I do wonder how well you have thought through managing two children and work when their father is 70 miles away. IME getting childcare for sick children is a nightmare (impossible) and I'm assuming he won't get to you in an instant if one child wakes up ill - do you have a good local support network?
Someone earlier mentioned not being bothered when she found out she was conceived after her parents' divorce. I very vividly recall my sister realising she was conceived after my parents no longer wanted to be together. It affected her massively. (Not in a positive way)

Frikadellen · 18/03/2013 18:21

I would say ask him how he feels about it and if he is positive go for it

TarkaTheOtter · 18/03/2013 18:42

I think having lots of sex and conceiving a baby with your ex could risk your current amicable situation, which would be worse for your existing DS than having a half-sibling with a different father.

wigglesrock · 18/03/2013 18:51

I don't know what I think really - not much help.

I know you would like a small age gap between your children - does this mean you would set a time limit for conception ie try for 6 months, a year or are you hoping you get pregnant first time you try?

Would you set conditions such as can he date etc while you're trying/pregnant?

ChocolateCoins · 18/03/2013 18:56

If he's up for it then I don't see the problem. I'd do exactly the same thing.

WhatsTheBuzz · 18/03/2013 19:00

what does he think anyway?

wiggles, that would make an interesting thread - 'aibu to be a bit hacked off about dp ttc with his ex while dating me?'

WhatsTheBuzz · 18/03/2013 19:03

furthermore,
do you actually have 'feelings' for him? Just curious as the very idea
of having relations with my ex makes me feel a bit ill.

Crawling · 18/03/2013 19:06

I see no issue with some womem have ivf to have a baby while single. Some gay men have a baby with a friend this no different if he is happy then go for it op.

CuriousMama · 18/03/2013 19:07

How old are you? Is your clock ticking? If not I'd wait and see if you fall in love with someone. Not make do.

But it's up to you at the end of the day.

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