To have a child with my ex?

[YesIamYourSisterInLaw]

Me and exp split several months ago, we already have ds who is nearly 2. The split was amicable, we still speak often and occasionally have days out with all of us together and it's not awkward. We are good friends.
I'd like ds to have a sibling with a fairly smallish age gap between them
My reasoning is
1: I know ex is a good dad, he has 50% custody of ds and is really good with him, always has been very hands on and involved.
2: if I waited to meet someone else down the line there wouldn't be the smallish age gap I'd like and there's also a possibility they could switch once baby is born or once I'm pregnant and become an uninterested waste of space. I'd feel so bad for the second child.
3: I think it would be easier in someways for them to have the same father. There's less likely to be resenment and jelousy between them.
4: I already know we produce very cute babies kidding!

Now I its uh a bit unconventional and i know things can change, I could still meet someone and have number 3 with them etc etc etc I'm not discounting all these things but as far as things go apart from the possibility of all that is this a stupid idea and why?
On a side note, I work and can afford to have number 2. I'm not expecting anyone to "pay" for my children. I know most of you will say this is irrelevant and your right but I also know there will be people at home who would otherwise assume I'm not working and not going to be.
I know it will be more difficult than it was with ds as exp would be around but not as much as he was with ds.

I think you should work on your relationship with him. It sounds like there's a good chance you could get back together. Bringing a new child into such an unconventional situation could put too much pressure on you both and ruin any chance of getting back together. Rather than focusing on getting what you see as the 'ideal' number of children with the 'ideal' age gap, sort out your relationship with the father of your current child and enjoy your life for what it is now.

@ cockadoodle and scholes.
Ineversaidthat. I agree, I only told my close friend because she's already aware I'm nuts hahaha

Flump I know it's not but we all try to plan our life to a certain extent don't we and I'd like to have them now so I can focus on progressing in my career after rather than having to take a gap down the line. Plus if it was entirely down to my feelings I could function perfectly happy with just ds. I'd more like a sibling for him. That's not to say I'd love the second one any less.

Really flogging? The amount of threads I read on here about useless exs that don't give a stuff or men that changed once pregnancy or baby happened make me very grateful my ex is not like that.
Time actually I think you have a valid points. I am very logical and I love planning, I just can't help it. Ds has all his clothes up to 3 years old since he was one, his nursery was finished and decorated by 5 months pregnant and once he's 2 I'm going to start visiting schools. You could easily look at the way I am with him and say the same with regards to the project comment.

How long did the relationship last?
When did you split (you said several months ago, but is that 2 or 10 - how recent?)
How would either of you feel if the other embarked on a new relationship (and thus weren't so available due to other commitments/obligations)?
If you go ahead, how would you feel about your baby going 70 miles away to spend time with his father?

You are projecting what you want for your ds (a sibling close in age), not accepting that he will probably be fine with no sibling at all, or a sibling born into a committed relationship (that might come later either with your ex or someone else).

I can see where you're coming from. Taking into account the sheer amount of relationships that don't last, I don't see the point in going on about stable families, it's actually pretty insulting to those parents whose relationships have broken down. At least your way, that wouldn't happen.

White wolf I can't say, I don't think so but I can't say 100%
I will take in to consideration everyone's points I would never ask a question if I didn't want some input on the answe

I think that your child would ask the question or at the very least work out that you split from their dad in x year but he/she was born Y year (with a bigger gap than the 9 months you would expect).

I worked out that my grandma got married because she was pg with my mum as a teenager. I can't say it upset me at the time but it would have been a real shock if it had my parents already been divorced when I was conceived.

Another thing is: does your ex want a child with you? Because he may be up to making you pg but he might want to be a dad iyswim. In that case, out the good father to your dc2 and in the awful dad that prefers his dc1 but doesn't want to hear about dc2. I would want to be ESPECIALLY careful as to whether he wants to be a dad (and not just a father).

Can I ask why it is so important for you to have a small age gap between your 2 dcs?
How do you plan to conceive (full sex or him giving you his sperm)? as this will also have some big implications re your relationship with your ex. Atm you have a nice working relationship as parents for your dc1. Are you happy to risk that (eg if he then wants to get back into a romantic relationship with you but you don't)?

As far as I am aware, single people can be approved to adopt or have AI of donor sperm, so I disagree with the selfish/stupid comments.

If ExP and you agree that your DS1 would benefit more in life to have a sibling, than the stereotypical family unit, and are able to be stable role models, then I wouldn't think it necessarily a bad thing, providing you have a good support network.

It is important to consider how you have both worked through the reasons for your breakdown as to what lessons your DC can learn about relationships.

Perhaps speak with your HV or GP about any support that might be available to help you both with the decision?

I think you sound like you've thought it through and if he thinks it's a food idea you should fo for it. Goodluck and good for you.

was just about to make that point defragged, it's also insulting to suggest that single women shouldn't get pregnant even if they're in a position to support the baby. Just because it's unconventional, doesn't mean it can't work.

My parents were divorced when I was concieved. It's not something that has ever bothered me.

I cant decide if you are mad to consider having a baby with your ex or not. I do wonder if maybe you are still in love with one another and you are hoping that a pregnancy and birth of a second child may help you to heal your relationship. If that is the case, to be fair, many couples who have gone through a tough time go on to have a 'band-aid baby' so it wouldn't be completely unusual. I think the only person you can really talk to in this situation is your ex. I hope you work it out x

it strikes me as the sort of thing someone might dwell on if they were determined to have 'issues'.

(worrying about the circumstances surrounding their conception, I mean)

Early- 4 months
As a baby they wouldn't be going to stay with him for the length of time ds does ( il be breastfeeding and ds goes for a week at a time) so we would have to arrange it that we all spent the 2 days he has off all together. Ds will be moving here full time once he starts school at 4 anyway so ex will be down to access 2 days every week or 2 days every other week depending on what he can physically do given the distance.

Honestly? Can't say how I'd feel. As long as he stayed a loving father who made time for them then that's all I'd want. To be fair though all of that's a possibility with ds now. it's not going to be any more or less likely with 2

I can see where you're coming from. Taking into account the sheer amount of relationships that don't last, I don't see the point in going on about stable families, it's actually pretty insulting to those parents whose relationships have broken down. At least your way, that wouldn't happen. Agreed. Also women go to sperm donors to have babies and single women adopt so the 'children should be born into a stable family environment' is a bit silly really. If your ex is prepared to be a hands on dad and you two can have an amicable relationship where the kids come first, you are already streets ahead of many 'traditional' families whose family unit is far from perfect.

My mate did this didnt want the stigma of have two "baby daddys" her relationship with him is now worse than ever she has a 12 year old and a 5 year old the ex has almost no relationship with the youngest as he wasnt able to build that bound you do when you live with somoneone and it shows tbh

Very bad move in my view she is now tied to him in a more ind depth way they row about the diffrence between how he treats the two and both the chikd have totally different relationships

It's not the most conventional thing in the world, but I don't see a problem with your idea at all, as long as your exP is into it.

People have all sorts of parenting arrangements these days and it's not a problem as long as the children will be loved and provided for.

Why do you think he'd agree? For the same reasons as you or would he be hopeful you'd get back together? I think that'd be a bit unfair on him.

You just don't know how your relationship will change when you both get new partners. That's a big gamble. Even if you both stay as reasonable and amicable as you are now - things will be more difficult.

I also want to know if you are thinking turkey batter or just planning to have lots of sex with him

sounds scarily sensible to me. You'd put in place a coparenting agreement in advance. No different to eg gay couples who coparent - look at the articles by Charlie Condou (from Corrie) about how he parents with his partner and his friend who gave birth to his children (& is I think their bio mother).
I know at least one person who prolonged a dead marriage long enough to ensure her child had a full sibling. You're just doing it on wonkier and more honest timing.

Yanbu to do what you suggest.
Yabvvvu to expect reasonable responses. The nuclear family isn't the only acceptable unit but reading mn you could often be forgiven for thinking it is.

If your ex agrees, I'd say go ahead. You've clearly thought about it for a while and considered all the options. You could go out and get pregnant with someone less well known but I can see the advantages of with someone you know, and for children of the same father, even if in future years that contact lessens. I wouldn't discuss it widely in RL as you'll get all sorts of conflicting opinions which won't be helpful. But if you've thought through the consequences, and can afford another child, why ever not?

This kind of thing happens more often that you might think.

Only you can tell whether it's bonkers or not in your circumstances.

I was going to come on here and say that YABU, but sounds like you've thought it through, and can't help thinking, why not. Good luck.