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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?

197 replies

honeytea · 16/03/2013 20:05

I was talking to DS today more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"

I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.

I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.

How does it work in your family?

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 17/03/2013 15:38

I would definitely feel guilt - as parents I think we do blame ourselves for our children's behaviour. Whether or not I would still love them would depend on so many factors though, but I suspect that I would have a limit.

God, what a depressing thing to be discussing on a lovely Sunday afternoon!

LadyPessaryPam · 17/03/2013 15:39

TheBookofRuth Jesus, LadyPessary, you "value your children highly"? That sort of boundless affection must warm the cockles of their little hearts.

You have no fucking idea how much I love both my children and my hsuband Ruth. I feel very sorry for your family.

QOD · 17/03/2013 15:40

Having been second and third place my entire life, my dd is number 1.

I think as others have said, its the unconditional thing.

I feel sorry for children whose parents don't feel like that IF their children grow up knowing it.

It's not nice knowing you're not actually that important to your parents and grandparents.

Maryz · 17/03/2013 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 17/03/2013 15:44

I'm liking your positive spin MaryZ

TheBookofRuth · 17/03/2013 15:52

Why LadyPessary? I can assure you there is no need. Both my husband and my daughter are very happy, well-loved and well-cared for.

EasilyBored · 17/03/2013 15:56

It' a different kind of love. The love between DH and I is based on a lot if give and take, we both get something out of the relationship and there are conditions on out behaviour (no having sex with other people for example), that kind of love is a balance and includes more than just love. It's about respect, trust and compassion.

The love I have for DS is more one sided. I am resppnsible for him, I love him endlessly, but I don't really expect anything back because he's just a child and those kind of adult concepts are a bit beyond his 14 months on this planet. I imagine it will change as he gets older, but like others havr said, I fully expect him to move out and maybr have a family of his own one day. DH and I will be a team forever.

Maryz · 17/03/2013 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 17/03/2013 16:04

"I feel very sorry for your family"

Why, what has she done to her family LadyPessary??

Arcticwaffle · 17/03/2013 16:45

No question for me, 3 dc come top of my affections.
Then DP, on a good day.
Then lots of friends and one sibling.
Then DP on a bad day.
Then lots more friends.
And a long long way behind, the rest of my family.

I do feel that partners are quite replaceable. DP is great, but there are other fish in the sea, partnerwise.

jellybeans · 17/03/2013 17:05

YANBU totally normal IMO.

everlong · 17/03/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 17/03/2013 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenny70 · 17/03/2013 17:28

To me it's the thought of the grief I would go through if either DH or child died.

I can picture us continuing on without DH, an existance that would be a hard road - particularly at first - but one I could "see" as a possibility. We faced this possibility once, and thankfully it turned out OK, but I could see past it - I could think "this is what we would do", "this is how I would need to cope to go on" etc. It scared me greatly, but I could cope, I believe.

The thought of one of the children dying leaves me with a big mental blank - "how would I go on?" "how could I even get through the days?" I couldn't even see how I would cope etc.

So much as I love my DH, I would have to say the children come first.

I could see "not loving DH" if he did something terrible, but couldn't see how I'd stop loving my children - I can see being cross/disappointed and angry if they turned into terrible people, but I couldn't not love them, I think.

Ragwort · 17/03/2013 17:37

Agree with all those who say its a totally different kind of love, of course I would 'do anything' to save my child's life in an emergency, as would my DH but that doesn't mean I wouldn't equally try and save my DH's life in an emergency .

I am looking forward to the time my child grows up to lead his own life, I will be proud that I have raised an independent adult (hopefully) - and then I will really enjoy being alone with my DH again. I wouldn't want my DS to live with me for ever, however much I love him .

Think it is very inportant not to let love for your kids take over so that partner feels like second fiddle - that is a very true comment Another - you do see quite a few 'martyr mummies' (& a few dads like it) who are totally obsessed with their children to the detriment of any other relationship. That is equally bad for the child of course. I have a close friend who is distraught now that her children have left home, she openly says that she has only ever seen herself as a 'mum' and feels she has no other purpose in life .

TheBookofRuth · 17/03/2013 18:34

No martyred mummies here, in fact as I write this DH is getting DD ready for bed whilst I relax with a glass of wine, and god, didn't my heart just swell with love for the pair of them when I saw DD curled up on his lap while he read her a bedtime story.

DH and I are still very much a couple - we laugh, we talk, we flirt, we cuddle and smooch and make love whenever the opportunity arises, and we present a united front in the face of whatever patience-straining, sanity-changing behaviour DD has come up with in any given moment. I don't love him any less since DD came along - if anything seeing what a wonderful father he is makes me love him all the more. But the comment about not "letting" your love for your DCs take over made me laugh, because it's not like I had a bloody choice in the matter! DD was the Captain of my heart from before she was born, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

motherinferior · 17/03/2013 19:40

One in three marriages ends in divorce. I don't know the stats for parents chucking out their kids, but I'd estimate it at a lot lower than this.

I may grow old with DP. Or we might separately or mutually get fed up with each other. We might indeed find that as our relationship has always been predicated on being co-parents (I got pregnant five months in) we don't particularly get on well when that is taken out of the equation. (Especially as we don't go in for 'date nights' or similar toe-curlingness.) There are a lot of variables. Which is not the case with parenting.

abbyfromoz · 17/03/2013 20:45

Sorry but i agree with OP. nothing compares to the love i have for my daughter. Nothing. As 'taboo' as it is to admit. Although DH agrees with me- we both love her more than anything on this earth and we are both very content with this.
We joke about it (eg would you jump out of a plane for me? What about DD?)
But honestly it's true- i would do ANYTHING for my daughter... I would do most things (within reason) for my DH.

wordfactory · 17/03/2013 20:56

That's interesting mother that you and your DH have always been parents.

DH and I spent a fair while happily sans enfants, and look forward to it again.

The period we have been en famille has been wonderful and very intense, but I remember the period of time beforehand fondly, and look forward to its return. And DH try and scrpae together as much time alone too...

motherinferior · 17/03/2013 21:07

It makes for good copy anyway . We have featured, pouting for the camera, in the parenting section of the Guardian ('Did we have children too soon? MI asks') In all honesty I cannot imagine having large chunks of time alone with him at the moment. I see my post-child future more in terms of seeing my friends and getting a bit more writing done.

wordfactory · 17/03/2013 21:41

Well that's honest.

I think I have unrealistic ideas about my free time post DC. In my mind, I'll suddenly be able to do everyhting.

Yellowtip · 17/03/2013 22:32

Maryz you've been through tough stuff and it's hard for those who are hypothesing and haven't been through tough stuff to understand. Experience changes perception. That's why I never say categorically that I would feel a certain way in an imagined situation. My own limited experience suggests though that no matter what, I'd never give up on my children.

PureedGoodness · 17/03/2013 22:37

The love of your child is unconditional love. Plus i agree its a very different kind of love to one you have with a partner

ComposHat · 18/03/2013 00:58

When parents say 'I have unconditional love' for their child, is that really the case? (This is a genuine question as I don't have children) but what if they murdered a sibling/family member, torched your house or physically abused an elderly relative? I would have a hard time loving someone capable of that child of mine or not.

Is it really unconditional love or is it just a case that the thresholds of ehat behaviour they are prepared to forgive is higher?

exoticfruits · 18/03/2013 07:47

You can still love the child while hating what they have done. It is unconditional - I can't switch it off.

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