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Original poster

To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?

197 replies

honeytea · 16/03/2013 20:05

I was talking to DS today more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"

I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.

I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.

How does it work in your family?

OP posts:
JollyYellowGiant · 16/03/2013 22:36

I love DS more than DH. I'm pretty sure DH feels the same.

Purplemonster · 16/03/2013 22:42

I love my dog more than I love my OH, I've had the dog 9 years, OH has only been part of my life 3. He knows his place. But then I'm pregnant at the moment so could happily murder OH most days. I don't doubt that I will love our child more than him, I think that's only natural.

Bluegrass · 16/03/2013 23:03

Why does this imaginary fire always get trotted out as if it is some sort of official measure of love?

What about if you have a 10 year old and a 3 year old trapped in this conflagration - if you say you'll save the 3 year old does that conclusively demonstrate you love them more?

I also wonder if all those people who talk about parental love for DC's being "unconditional" ever slip out of their rosé tinted specs and read about the poisonous behaviour of parents to children (and vice versa) over in Relationships. As far as I can see over there, once the little bundles of joy grow up all bets are off!

JingleMum · 16/03/2013 23:35

There's been a couple of posters who say their children come first/are loved more, but their DH's don't feel the same, they love their wife/partner more. I would be repulsed if my DP said this or if I knew he felt this. I expect to come second to DD and would feel very uncomfortable if I didn't. Infact, could I stay with him if he put me first?

I love DP with all my heart & soul and would struggle to be without him, but my DD is my everything, I could not live without her, seriously, I don't think I could, I'd die of a broken heart if anything happened to her. I love her more, because it's a different, unconditional love. DP feels the same.

Although, sometimes I get a tiny bit jealous! They leave me out sometimes! DD is only 3 though.

Maryz · 16/03/2013 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yellowtip · 16/03/2013 23:43

I have lots of DC aged between 22 and 10 and at no stage since DC1 was born could I ever have said that I loved DH more than any of the eight DC. Totally unthinkable. At no stage did it ever come near, even in the early days. But that's probably a comment on the relationship tbh, not a universal truth.

BegoniaBampot · 17/03/2013 00:06

Agree, if husband said he loved me more than the children I would think WTF, really can't understand this. But all these people who love their husbands or partners as much as their kids make me wonder if I reall have a screwed up view of love with your partner. I don't think I'm capable of that kind of love .

Magimedi · 17/03/2013 00:17

Was talking about this with DH the other day - idly as DS is a (nearly) married adult.

The 'who would you throw out of the life raft situation'.

DH said he'd just drop over the side quietly so as not to give me the agony of the decision.

I love my DH so much - just about to reach 28 years of marriage. He really is a star. Not a stealth boast. He's just a great guy.

anonymosity · 17/03/2013 00:20

I remember when I had our first DC. I could see that my DP loved him more than me and it seemed the most natural thing in the world. I wasn't excluded or compared, just totally different. He was very surprised when I said I knew it was the case, but didn't deny it!

KC225 · 17/03/2013 03:05

Magimedi - what a touching post to write about another person - bought a tear to my eye

sudaname · 17/03/2013 03:25

l got into a bunfight on here once over this. Kept getting told that my DH categorically could not possibly love me as much as his kids. Hmm Or he was a liar if he said he did. Hmm

exoticfruits · 17/03/2013 06:19

It isn't something that you can compare because it is completely different. One is conditional and one is unconditional.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/03/2013 06:27

Love them differently but equally.

Think it is very inportant not to let love for your kids take over so that partner feels like second fiddle.

ravenAK · 17/03/2013 06:47

I very definitely love my children more. & I would take for granted that dh loves the dc more than me.

Dh is my best friend. He makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. He is the father of our three dc & I could not possibly ask any man to be a better father. I admire him, trust him & adore him.

But I am quite able to contemplate his unexpected death - it would be dreadful, but I'd cope, & crack on with raising our dc, as he would if I carked it. I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of my children. Absolutely no question that I'd choose a child over dh if I were allocating seats in an overcrowded lifeboat, say.

I'd expect him to feel exactly the same - I'd be utterly shocked if I thought he'd preserve me (in some equally far-fetched thought experiment type situation...) rather than any of the kids...

LtEveDallas · 17/03/2013 06:55

I think it's quite normal to feel that way. My love for DD would remain, no matter what, my love for DH could be broken quite easily.

DD is an only, I won't be having any more children. If I were to lose DD I would kill myself - I'd have nothing left to live for. If I were to lose DH I wouldn't, because I'd still have DD.

My love for DD is more powerful and more intense than it is for DH. I couldn't imagine life without her, whereas I could imagine life without DH. I doubt I would marry again, because I believe that he was 'the one' but I could carry on living.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 17/03/2013 06:56

I do love my children more than I love my DP. I still love him a lot though, just not as much :)

rach6122 · 17/03/2013 07:01

Anothers place completely agree differently but equally... surely You have to be a couple first this is why so many things go wrong children constantly being put first, I would not be able to cope without my dd or my dh my dh is the best thing that ever happened to me and subsequently my dd.

MackerelOfFact · 17/03/2013 07:26

My love for my DCs is unconditional. There is nothing they could do to stop me loving them or walk away from them and it is my duty as a mother to lay down my life to protect them if necessary.

There are a load of things DP could do to make me stop loving him or make me leave him! And he can look after himself. I love him to death at the moment but appreciate that it may not always be so.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 17/03/2013 07:52

I love my husband very, very much but I would rather lose him a thousand times over rather than either of my children.

We've had the conversation as well- he knows I love them more and feels this is 'right' (he insists he loves us all equally but would have to save them over me)

Branleuse · 17/03/2013 07:52

I love my dp with more passion than anyone else in the world.
I love my dcs with all my heart.

As a family, i love everyone, deeply, but i want to grow old and die with my dp, whereas id quite like my children to leave at some point

Backtobedlam · 17/03/2013 07:59

I love my dc's far more than my dh, I don't think any type of love would ever rival that which I feel for my children. They grew inside me for 9months, I loved them before they were even born, that just cannot be compared with the love for someone that I just happened to meet whilst out one night!

rach6122 · 17/03/2013 07:59

I would save my dd over dh because I created her life and an responsibe for it, that's the reason!

rach6122 · 17/03/2013 08:00

Nice way to describe hubby!!

georgie22 · 17/03/2013 08:04

I love dh and dd equally I would say but you can't compare the 2 types of love. As other posters have commented the love you have for your dc is unconditional and deeply protective. I've been with dh for many years before dd arrived and am looking forward to our years together when our dc have grown up (pregnant with dc2). I love dh more since we had dd as he was less convinced than me about having children but knew how much it meant to me. He's a fantastic dad so I love him more for that and seeing him with our dd who we made. I agree that the worry of being a parent never goes away even when they are grown up with families of their own - my own parents are testament to that and I think it's more so when I'm pregnant.

I think every parent would save their dc before a partner in that scenario. It's the natural order of life to expect certain losses i.e. parents, partners etc. but not dc.

MamaBear17 · 17/03/2013 08:08

My love for my husband is conditional. He could lose my love by mistreating me, or my dd, by cheating on me or by hurting me. My love for my dd is totally unconditional. There is nothing she could do that would ever see me walking away from her. Ever. I think my husband would agree with me in saying that she is the best thing that ever happened to us, and both of us would agree that we must put her first, before each other. However, I came to this conclusion from the second she was placed on my chest and I saw her face. My husband really began to bond with her when she started to interact a bit more. When he first made her giggle he was so elated, it was like he experienced the same 'oh my God' reaction that I had had 8 weeks earlier. The more I handed dd over stepped back (something I found very difficult in the early months) the more he bonded and the deeper he fell for her. Now, at 19 months when she expresses a distinct preference to 'cuddle daddy now, go way mummy!' He is completely besotted. I think, in the early stages, it is really important for mum and dad to find a little time for themselves. I know my husband felt a little insecure at the very beginning, and completely pushed out by me and times. I, on the other hand, would moan that he sat back and let me do everything, but when I thought about it, it was because I wouldn't let him do anything! It is a balancing act really. Just make sure he gets plenty of opportunity to bond with your ds and he will get there.

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