To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?

[honeytea]

I was talking to DS today more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"

I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.

I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.

How does it work in your family?

My DC will always be my DC. My DH may not always be my DH. So DC first always.

I think maybe my dp's love for ds grows everyday where as for me I loved him when I held him after he was born, it was like a tidal wave of love it doesn't get more and more each day because I don't think I could love him any more.

I was anticipating not loving my baby right away, I knew I might feel a but detached but I had the opposite feeling it was a bit overwhelming.

DH is my best friend, my companion, my partner, my other half.

Just thinking about DD makes my heart feel like its going to burst, I love her smell, her tiny hands, the way her ringlets boing when she's tearing around!

I adore them both but it's different. One is unconditional, one isn't. If I ever thought DH was or could harm DD I would put her in the car and leave without a backwards glance. In a heartbeat.

DH and I work as parents because ultimately her needs come first.

I'm kind of surprised to see the way some (not all) people are referring to their partners. Like they're kind of incidental or replaceable.

I feel like the love I have for DH is just as miraculous as the love I have for DS -- perhaps because I come from a really dysfunctional family, perhaps because I had 20 years of dating before I found him, or because I see so many relationships around me that are not really that great. I honestly feel grateful every day to have such an amazing partner, I just love him to pieces.

The chances that I'll ever have to choose between him and DS are slim to none (touch wood). So I don't really see the point in thinking in such terms! I love them both, in different ways. I would actually feel really uncomfortable if I thought in terms of loving one more than the other.

I agree with some of the other posters about soulmates and imagining losing my DP. It would be truly, truly awful but I can imagine what life would be like, and I can also imagine that one day I would meet someone else and fall in love and have a lovely relationship with them.

The thought of losing the DC... Impossible to imagine, just impossible.

But it's not a comparable love. DC is part of me, literally. DP is not.

Partners are replaceable. People split up, they take up with new partners, they're often just as happy - or happier - than they were before...it's happening every day.

The chances that I'll ever have to choose between him and DS are slim to none (touch wood). So I don't really see the point in thinking in such terms! I love them both, in different ways. I would actually feel really uncomfortable if I thought in terms of loving one more than the other.

Exactly

Not sure that the burning house scenario is much help in proving the pecking order for love either.

I would always save my children first and would expect my husband to do the same, but it's not about whether we love the children more. I would rescue them because my maternal instinct wouldn't have it any other way. To a parent your children are always vulnerable and you are hard wired to care for them. The pain and devastation I would feel at my husband or children being harmed would be the same.

Protecting your children is an instinct, I don't think that the horrific accident situation works at all.

I'm in love with DH, I wouldn't have children without him and I would die for him, I absolutely adore him, I never want him to leave me (permanently not on a day to day basis, I'm not that needy).

I feel a maternal love for my children but I expect them to leave, my eldest is 21, I've nearly almost let go. I'm not in love with them, I probably care for them more but would miss DH more. I'd rather be without my children than DH.

I don't think its normal to love your children more, maybe equally in different ways but not more.

I love my DCs more than DH, without question. I could perfectly well go on with life without him. I do love him (although right now I don't feel I LIKE him very much for all sorts of reasons), but not in the completely all-encompassing way I love my children. I think that's totally normal. I would die for them. I would not voluntarily die for him; my children need me, and yes, they need me more than they need him.

Ultimately my love for him has a lot of conditions attached (sticking to our marriage vows, treating each other well, that sort of thing). My love for them is unconditional, and doesn't depend on them loving me back - I know they will grow up and leave me; this is how its meant to be; but I would never leave them.

If for any reason I lost my children, DH would not in himself give me enough of a reason to continue living. That seems harsh, but is absolutely true.

People lose partners through bereavement or break ups and they can survive. My world would end if anything happened to my children. I love my partner and think i've grown to love him more as i've watched him become a great daddy. But i know he loves the kids more than me and i love them more than i love him. My wee boy is forever telling
me he loves me and asked if i loved him more than i love daddy, i lied of course and told him i love them all the same.

Don't you think though that being more devastated if your children died than if your partner died is more to do with the natural order of things being interrupted. It's not expected for parents to outlive their children and so there's a feeling that it's not fair/right/just that a child has died, on top of the usual grieving process.

I would kill to defend DH (say there was an axe murderer on the loose), but I would die to defend my children, absolutely no question asked. However, I'm not sure that's necessarily all about love- some of it is just instinct and biology. Now I've passed my genes on I can die.

We're biologically programmed to protect our children, but I think a lot of this urge, which is attributed to love, is just survival instinct (survival in terms of the species rather than ourselves).

I think that people over think these things-why try and compare the incomparable?

I have unconditional love for my sons. I do not have unconditional love for DH - it's rather conditional on his behaviour towards me. Therefore I have to say that I love my sons more than my DH - but I believe that that is relatively normal.

MaryZ - do you know, I'm not sure if I could love my child if they raped/murdered/defrauded. Those are such hideous behaviours, I'm really not sure how you (or rather, I) would be able to come to terms with my child committing those crimes and still be able to find love in my heart. I'm presuming you're talking about a child as an adult though?

I would still love my son no matter what he did

I might hate the behaviour but there is nothing that would stop me loving him.

He is my child

I honestly don't know if I could MaryZ - a cold, brutal murder on an innocent person? I think I would feel love for the person/child that they were and would feel terrible grief for the loss of that person, but I honestly don't know if I could love someone who had been so evil.

I think in that situation SirC I would still love him dearly and eat myself up with guilt thinking what he had done must be my fault in someway

Try not to feel guilty Maryz :(

(I know as a mother that's next to impossible but I am sure you are in no way to blame for whatever your son has done. I am glad things are improving)