AIBU to think that if a midday assistant at school feels it necessary to shout at my 6 yr old, I should have been informed?

[laluna]

DS came out of class crying saying he had been yelled at by the MDA and he didn't understand why.

He explained to me that there had been a bit if a falling out in his group of friends and she shouted at them.

If my child does something wrong, I am not precious about him and the situation should be death with accordingly by the person in charge. No issue with that. But AIBU to think that yelling is not really appropriate and if the situation is really that bad, I should be involved?? Am a bit cross and have asked the school to clarify the position.

I agree with LaQueen.
I am also amused at parents who don't think it appropriate for an authority figure to raise their voice.
Perhaps because talking in a nice sweet tone doesn't have any effect.

Going against the flow slightly, I have seen MDAs jump in with both feet and get annoyed with a child for being somewhere / doing something they think they should not be doing. But the children have had my permission so I have had to explain to the MDA that it's ok.
Maybe that should have been explained to the MDA first so that they didn't look like they were being overridden by you? The children need to think you're a team.

If our MDAs didn't shout, they'd never be heard in the playground noise. I walked past the school at lunchtime this week and the noise was astonishing.

Our DDs have been raised in a much more rufty-tufty environment, where they've learned to roll with the punches, and have parents who don't mollycoddle them...which means they're going to slice through all their nampy-pamby peers, like a hot knife through butter

What exactly does "to slice through all their nampy-pamby peers, like a hot knife through butter" mean?

It sounds rather awful to be frank.

In my experience a gentle 'excuse me dear but would you mind not ......' would be easily ignored, whereas the friend who was being throttled might prefer a shout of ' let go of him NOW' and is likely to get a result.

I hope that works out for you and your DD's, LaQueen. Along with all the other kids in the classroom.

It works if the parents help them to cope with someone telling them off-rather than trying to stop the telling off.

I worked as a MDA and used to project my voice a LOT, either to break up a fight, stop kids from messing with something they shouldn't, doing something dangerous or to get them to sit down in the dinner hall as it's bloody loud. I have also raised my voice at children who have had a fight and told them very firmly that they were out of order. Guess what? The kids loved me and didn't want me to leave. They knew their boundaries with me and that I'd be fair. You need to toughen up on this, I'd have been on the phone around 30 times a day if I had to phone for every child I'd shouted to/at.

I once brought half the playground to a halt with a shout. Ds3, who was about 3.5 at the time, had found the newly planted flower boxes in the playground, and was about to uproot one. I could have gone across and stopped him, but by then he would have uprooted several of the plants, so I shouted, "STOP THAT NOW!!" in my most stentorian tones. Even with the playground full of children and parents (it was before school started, and the playground was full, at least half the people there stopped dead in their tracks and looked round. And that was the end of it. Ds3 did not uproot any plants, the rest of the children and parents carried on with what they were doing, and no-one cried.

I was a beautiful mixture of and [proud].

On a serious note, I agree with LaQueen and exoticfruits. It is not the end of the world if a child gets shouted at - and sometimes it is the best way to deal with a situation before it gets worse, and it is better if a child can deal with what I would call a normal shouting-at - ie. one that was justified by the behaviour at the time and that stops the behaviour in its tracks. Of course this does not mean it is OK to shout at children when there are other, better options available, and when it is not justified. But if a child can cope with the normal shouting-at, then you know that, if they complain about being shouted at, then you should investigate.

I don't think I am making much sense - I hope others can understand what I am getting at better than I can.

When you have a 5 yr old lying on the ground, screaming with pain, while another 5 yr old stamps on his hand, you need to do something quick -like 'stop that this minute!' bellowed from across the playground. I reported that one to the Head who dealt with it further; but there is many a case where you might bellow 'stop that this minute!' followed by a 'what do you think you are doing' etc that would then be sorted and forgotten. I can only assume that OP's DC burst into tears because he thought it would have been something to have been taken further and he was getting in first for the sympathy vote! (which he got).

I feel quite sorry for youngsters whose parents fight all their battles for them.

Obviously if there is genuine unfairness/ injustice a parent can be a support but if parents intervene at the drop of a hat, question all attempts at discipline by teachers, do everything for their DCs etc. then they haven't equipped them to deal with disappointment or the real world.

Can I ask, LeQueen, how your DH responds to enraged parents (of adults, no less phoning him to take him to task?

I hope he tells them straight... ?

Sorry, missing bracket there!!

- that's probably the strategy I'd adopt Sugar if I was in that situation!

And I'd probably enjoy getting the tone just right too

I can see that it means a lot to you, SugarPasteGreyhound - but I am very sensitive to these things, and can read between the cool and unemotional lines of your posts.

I don't think any of my dses are little princes or shy of hard graft, and I will not be ringing their employers to complain that my little genius shouldn't be doing the filing to making the coffee, he should be running the company! And if you have to give them a flea in their ear about poor time keeping or attitude, and they are foolish enough to come to me for sympathy, they will get a flea in the other ear from me!