To really dislike my daughter

[RachLeighmum]

I am sitting here in tears having just returned from another traumatic school run. My daughter is 6 and she is simply making our lives a misery. She acts like a spoilt brat, constantly whinges, is rude, she hits me, screams - the list is endless. So today's drama, we're walking to school and she - prancing about - drops her red nose. It rolled under the buggy I was pushing with my 6 month old dd and inevitably the wheel went over it. Cue, hysterics as her nose was now muddy and she couldn't possibly wear it (there was a smudge of mud which I wiped off). The rest of the way she cried, screeched and hit me. It was highly embarrassing and my blood was boiling.

Every day without fail we have this. It is causing an atmosphere in the house and nobody is particularly enjoying life at the moment as it is a black cloud hanging over us. I think my husband loves going off to work!

I feel envious of everyone who has that nice Friday feeling today. I, on the other hand, am dreading the weekend, dreading there being no school and having to spend two full days with my daughter.

There is not much left to confiscate. My dd's share a room and think that would hurt/punish dd1 most is if I moved the baby out of her room and into my son's room (he has a big room and would love this).

I just don't know what to do specifically with the sharing issue, and generally with how to deal with this nightmare. I feel sick to my stomach. Please please give me some advice xx

We had it and turned it around. She is suffering. VALIDATE, VALIDATE VALIDATE. The nose falls and she freaks out? "I think you are very frustrated that your nose got dirty. I can see why". Hurts the baby? " it is difficult to have to share everything". Won't eat? You are not in the mood, I can see that. Validate, extremely important.
Then slowly show her how to express it. She freaks out? "Mummy knows you are very upset. But don't hit mammy. It is better to do x. " takes a little while to get the hang of it but worked WONDERS for us. And remember, she is allowed be frustrated by the baby. Show her how to carve out her own little time and space. And for now, move the baby out of her room. Good luck. She is your little darlin under it all and is looking for you. Brutal for you. Have been there. A good cry, glass of vino and tomorrow is another day.
Ps. 3 minute chat every single night. Your favorite part of the day with her was .... Works great as well. They love praise. Like us all!

Thanks for the replies and sorry for the hijack!

ceebie Our downstairs is all open plan so it's harder to seperate them without it seeming like a punishment. I think I will try it as a principle rather than telling ds1 to stop but not changing the physical situation to make it less likely to happen again.

JedwardScissorhands Thanks for all the thoughts. I don't think we have flashpoints as such - it's fairly continuous a lot of the time. I like the idea of a consistent treat - it's not something we do at the moment. With regards to the sibling stuff, I would like to not intervene but it seems so one-sided most of the time.

Thanks again

I was going to suggest what some other posters have said: lovebombing.

I think your DD is almost certainly looking for attention and picking up on the fact that you dislike her.

My DD1 went through a phase of really misbehaving which I soon connected to the fact that I was often distracted around her. I then consciously focused on her more and told her again and again how much I loved her and how wonderful she was, lots of cuddles, playing together etc etc, and her behaviour really did improve.

Your DD is still so little, and probably wants a bit of "babying". And as you said it is sad if she is labelled as "the naughty one".

Yes, confiscate DD2.

I hope this is a cry for help.

Another one struggling with a 5y.o DD who has been like this since about 18months age. Also very well behaved at school. Lately I have had good results with her scooter- get ready for school before 8.30 can ride scooter. Behave on way to school can ride scooter home (we drive, but park a little bit away from school). Depending on how early we leave for school determines how far we park from the school. It seems to work because its an instant cause and effect. It's hard though. I don't know why they make their lives so much harder than they have to be. And yes it's boundaries and parenting, but it's also temperament.

Teary - I don't think anyone said temperament wasn't relevant. Most people have said it is and you need to tailor your parenting to the child and their needs, not that behaviour is entirely down to a parenting style. Also, their experiences of childhood can influence temperament. It's very circular.

I appreciate that jedward and perhaps I am a little sensitive about this due to our own difficulties; but there just seems to be a lot of comments jumping out as "parenting" "boundaries" and it must be very upsetting for OP who is already at her wits end, so I wanted to add my bit about temperament .

I sympathise so much with the OP, and whilst I am not quite at the point she is, I am struggling and find DD very challenging. One of the comments I used to get a lot was how much of a patient calm person I was; nowadays I don't know what people think as they probably see me as some sort of person with little control over their child. Some days as well I walk quickly out my house with my head bowed low as I do not know what the neighbours must hear or think (not of me, of the screaming). This is probably one of the most honest things I have ever admitted too about her, which is probably why it comes across as rambling.

Teary, I've been there, and so have other people who posted. Temperament is relevant and there are ways to adapt your parenting style to deal with it. Nobody was trying to say 'Get me, I'm a great parent, I've got all the answers'. I've had VERY similar issues to the OP and have come out the other side after massive changes in how I deal with my child of this sort of temperament.

I think anyone who is telling you it's because of your parenting OP is not the parent of a child like this. My DS2 is exactly the same. My DS1 is the complete opposite. I really do not know what's different this time round. I can only sympathise OP as nothing has worked with DS2 - we are just hoping he will grow out of it....but it does make our home very unhappy.

Definately, but maybe when you're on the dark end of the tunnel, trying to go through it and not sure how, certain comments may jump out out at you and make you feel a little shit. I'm not saying no one else has experienced this, or that what they are saying is not valuable and worth listening to as it is. To be honest I feel relieved at the number of people that have or are going through it, cause I certainly don't see anyone else trying to get a screaming or uncooperative child to and from school in real life.

I think we are on the same side.

Noideaatall, whilst it's not necessarily because of how a child is parented, it doesn't follow that it wouldn't help to try some new parenting approaches.

OxfordBags, a lot of good stuff there, particularly the last comment. Trying fixes that may work is a lot better than not changing.

RachLeighmum, as a 36 year old who was just like your elder daughter, i think the advice here about love bombing is very good. Also, making it clear that it's the behaviours that are bad, not your DD, and suggesting alternatives. If you have a chance (I do get that another 2 kids will be keeping you pretty busy) it would be very valuable to ask your DD what she's feeling as the behaviours escalate, and patiently going through the alternative behaviours with her. If you can keep doing that (I realise it's a tall order), and giving her the vocabulary to express insecurity that can be addressed with a hug rather than a screaming match, then she may well feel much happier.

Also, if your son is gleefully reporting your DD's behaviour back to you, ask him how it makes him feel to be doing that, and whether really he wants to be someone getting pleasure out of comparing himself positively to someone doing something of which he disapproves. (Essentially he's being like the Daily Mail there). You can give him the alternative behaviour of thinking how to help someone else who's clearly struggling, trying to understand what's underneath it, and offering small helpful strategies to his sister. So if he sees her being impulsive at school, or about to melt down, he could offer a smile and a wink and a hand signal saying "think about the consequences", and some time later a chat where he says he'll be there for her to help her if she has trouble sorting things out. That's the kind of person he can want to be, and it's a lot more helpful than being the perfect child who tells tales.

All that would have made a gigantic difference to my life. My mother didn't have the help or resources to ever get beyond complaining to all and sundry that she didn't know what she'd done wrong but she'd clearly spoilt me and turned me into a disgusting little madam. My sister was the perfect one who told tales all the time, but who is now terribly anxious and attention-seeking as an adult, struggles with anorexia, and has real difficulty because adult life is rather different from the life of a golden child. It turns out I have ASD, so does my father, and probably so does my mother (she's not diagnosed). I have also been severely depressed a lot of my adult life and have had a lot of problems with relationships, beginning to be unravelled with the help of psychologists, antidepressants, and a lot of moving around the world to avoid situations.

This is a really helpful thread I think. However, I wish this sort of thing had more openness or support about it. Where do you find help for your wilful, difficult, high needs child? We are all struggling in isolation to deal with it, and it seems the behaviour really comes to the fore once you have lostthe support of a health visitor who only deals with pre-school children.

Every time I try to reprimand my daughter I am accused of being mean or shouting, except I'm not. Hore everyone has a good weekend........

we had a lot of similar problems with my now 9yo dd, I think we hit breaking point last summer, she would smash the house up, hit and kick me, the list goes on. Anyway I ended up going to school as I didnt know where else to turn. They organised a scheme called Theraplay through school with a small group this was through the mast team, we also changed our expectations of her and realised that she is different, traditional methods just dont wotk on her (no sn just different) we also realised if she was making us so unhappy how must she be feeling. Anyway long story short she is a changed child, she amazes me everyday with how kind and thoughtful she is. She rarelys kicks off now and when she does she is able to get herself back under control.

Anyway I wish I could offer more help, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and it can get better. In fact it has to get better there is no other option, she is unhappy and you have to work out how to help her.

Omg this is my 6 year old daughter too😔
She just makes everyone in the house miserable and these 6 weeks are dragging by. She is obnoxious wild rude in your face spoilt selfish the list is endless. I hate Waking up because she just ruins the day as Soon as she wakes up. Hating life at the minute 😭
Tried everything with her. As horrible as it sounds I cannnot wait for her to grow up and move out

So, how are things now OP…8 years later?

ZOMBIE THREAD 🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟

@RachLeighmum

I used to have very strong negative feelings toward my middle child. The tantrums, the self-centredness, the everything he wants must happen now, the lashing out and the total unresponsiveness to all the usual methods of discipline. We tried it all -tokens, reward charts, Magic 123...he seemed impervious to learning, delaying gratification to accumulate tokens etc...and when things played out in public I just felt humiliated, angry, desperate.

Eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD. He has the combined type (impulsivity, hyperactivity and inattention) with a lot of emotional dysregulation. To be honest, the impulsivity and emotional dysregulation were the worst and so severe you couldn't really tell what his attention span is. His psychiatrist said he had one of the most severe presentations she'd seen.

He has been treated and is a different child. From threats of school exclusion to being in all the top groups. Because of the tantrummy/emotionally dysregulated stuff (hitting etc) he was given a combination of the standard ritalin type treatment and a drug called Guanfacine. The difference has been miraculous.

I really don't want to be one of those people diagnosing variations of normal over the internet so just passing this on to consider. I wish someone had raised it with me earlier, instead of giving me parenting tips that didn't work, or just telling me he'd grow out of it, or telling me to try to work out what he was communicating.

1 in 30 children have ADHD

Boys=Girls but girls are underdiagnosed, so more boys are in treatment

It is a biological condition -kids with ADHD have smaller brains and impaired dopamine transmission in the brain. This is as well documented and proven as epilepsy so scepticism about the existence of ADHD as a medical condition is nothing but pure ignorance.

Medication directly enhances dopamine transmission and is one of the most effective treatments in medicine -more effective than paracetamol for pain, cholesterol lowering drugs, blood pressure drugs etc etc...

Parents can do a lot to support kids with ADHD but this works best if 1) the strategies are specific to ADHD and 2) this is alongside medication

ARGHHHH ZOMBIE!

THIS THREAD IS EIGHT YEARS OLD

Has dd always been like this, or did it start when the baby arrived?

@Sher87

Omg this is my 6 year old daughter too😔 She just makes everyone in the house miserable and these 6 weeks are dragging by. She is obnoxious wild rude in your face spoilt selfish the list is endless. I hate Waking up because she just ruins the day as Soon as she wakes up. Hating life at the minute 😭 Tried everything with her. As horrible as it sounds I cannnot wait for her to grow up and move out

Why did you resurrect an eight year old thread??

ZOMBIE

No advice as such, but I do think this is another one of those developmental phases. My daughter (6) has been a bit like this, as have many of her school friends. She has recently started to turn a corner though- nearly 7 now- and behaviour now a bit better! Hang in there!!

Zombie 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟

I’d say that’s one unhappy lintel girl. She seems to be constantly in trouble, attention seeking because of it. She’s constantly being told off or to go away. Wanting to be near the baby is wanting to be included. You habe your first big clue

Do you ever spend one on one time wirh her? Do anything wirh her alone?