To really dislike my daughter

[RachLeighmum]

I am sitting here in tears having just returned from another traumatic school run. My daughter is 6 and she is simply making our lives a misery. She acts like a spoilt brat, constantly whinges, is rude, she hits me, screams - the list is endless. So today's drama, we're walking to school and she - prancing about - drops her red nose. It rolled under the buggy I was pushing with my 6 month old dd and inevitably the wheel went over it. Cue, hysterics as her nose was now muddy and she couldn't possibly wear it (there was a smudge of mud which I wiped off). The rest of the way she cried, screeched and hit me. It was highly embarrassing and my blood was boiling.

Every day without fail we have this. It is causing an atmosphere in the house and nobody is particularly enjoying life at the moment as it is a black cloud hanging over us. I think my husband loves going off to work!

I feel envious of everyone who has that nice Friday feeling today. I, on the other hand, am dreading the weekend, dreading there being no school and having to spend two full days with my daughter.

There is not much left to confiscate. My dd's share a room and think that would hurt/punish dd1 most is if I moved the baby out of her room and into my son's room (he has a big room and would love this).

I just don't know what to do specifically with the sharing issue, and generally with how to deal with this nightmare. I feel sick to my stomach. Please please give me some advice xx

OP, I think a radical overhaul of how you all do and approach things is called-for. Do not go harder on her. Get softer (not more permissive, that's different), do things differently. You'd be hard-pressed to find decent child psychologists who approve of the general approach we have to tackling bad behaviour in this country, that's the sad truth. Removing stuff, locking in rooms, labelling, harsh tellings-off, etc. - actually you behaving badly to her to get her to not behave badly. I know people will think possibly not get what I mean by that, but please consider that: you will not stop her being negative by being negative also.

When she says horrid things to you, she's telling you that she's sad, angry, scared. Rather than not allowing her to speak to you that way, which just teaches her that her feelings are invalid, wrong and don't matter, you need to help her find new ways of expressing what's wrong with her. She sounds very bright, very full of character, but that can also mean very sensitive, very prone to worrying, very prone to overthinking, very much needing more attention. Although she is intellectually bright, she might also just be emotionally immature.

I believe that when children are behaving badly, rather than trying to force them to change, it's the parents that need to change (their approach). You lead by example. You teach them how to behave by modelling it. Punishments, anger, labelling, listening to siblings telling tales are not positive things. You will not get positive change from her via negative treatment and negative experiences for her. Also, a child with problems is a family with problems. You won't improve her behaviour and make her happier by treating her issues as though they exist in isolation and don't look at the whole of her life and family.

Hi, I haven't had a chance to read all replys.
I just wanted to say I have the same problem with my 6 year old. She has always been a hard baby and toddler and it has got worse. I like you dread her coming home as depending on her mood is how our evening will go.

Every night before bed we have screaming, , crying the works. Without fail she will kick up a fuss in the morning over anything. She picks silly things to start over knowing dam well it won't happen I.e saying that she doesn't want to wear a coat to school or her school shoes or if she is having school dinner just as we are leaving the house she will want packed lunch.

I have tried everything. She sleeps enough not to be tired. I certainly don't bsck down. She gets disaplined where needed and praised when she has been good. We have a reward reward chart.

She is the only one of our children that behave this way.

It is very tiring and u just wanted you to know you are not alone

When you are having some special time together and she is calm could you try and have a little chat about her behavoir? Maybe suggest some better ways for her to express herself when she is feeling cross.

Does your DD behave this way at school?

Does she hit and scream at other family members?

Does she behave this way with anyone but you and your DH?

If the answer is no to these questions then you can be certain that your DD's behaviour is a direct result of how you have and are treating her (ie boundary setting and attention etc)

Don't worry about not liking your DD at the moment that is totally natural and it will change once you have also changed.

Take a deep breath show lots of love but also set some very, very firm boundaries and never give attention for bad behaviour because I expect your daughter is feeling that any attention is better than no attention.

Good luck OP.

Oxford - I completely agree with you!! It's so very hard to stay calm and not get really angry yourself when your 9 year old child is kicking the shit out of you though!! I did manage to find untapped reserves of patience once we understood what my DSs issues were and it has really helped. He is a different boy. We still have bad days, we still have meltdowns, but they are far fewer and don't last so long.

That's not true jaqueline many Children manage to hold things together at school then let it all out in the home environment.

Jacqueline - Not sure I completely agree that if OPs daughter behaves at school, then her behaviour at home is a direct result of her parents lack of boundaries. My DS who has Aspergers, has huge anxiety, and struggles with life but manages to hold it in at school, where he is desperately trying to conform, stay under the radar and appear normal. When he gets home the pressure of all this is released, and we take the brunt of it. School was amazed that he was a monster at home, because he is an angel there. Luckily for us our HT's son also has HFA so she totally understands.

havingamadmoment I love your hug night idea. Love it so much I am going to implement it.

akaemmafrost that is my point exactly, the child manages to hold it together in the company of other people who set different boundaries etc.

Then once in the home environment the boundaries and attentions alter and the child reacts differently.

I don't understand what you mean by not true

"Telling a child who is completely secure and comfortable that you don't like their behaviour is one thing, but telling a child who is exhibiting insecurity the same will lead only into more bad behaviour"

She is secure enough to scream at and hit her mum

I agree with you that she shouldn't be told that she is naughty all the time. It is the behaviour that is bad, not the child. She needs to be told that the behaviour is not welcome and that the behaviour is unacceptable.

FWIW you are not alone...i bookmarked this thread and could probably have written most of the posts.

This thread resonates with lots of people, because it happens a lot. If one gets into a negative spiral its hard to break but it is possible for sure. I completely agree with oxfordbag's take on this. When my middle child was around 5 or 6 I was having very similar problems and was so worn down and fed up that I went to my Health Visitor for advice. She said to take control one step at a time, and above all to keep calm, and to remember that I was the parent in control. I had lots of flashpoints in the day where misbehaviour would happen. By not shouting, and addressing directly without anger, the behaviour did improve a lot, as I tried to tackle each flashpoint one at a time.

As others have said you also need times to make her feel important to you. Does she help you with the baby's bathing etc? or is that not feasible?

A child that screams and hits everyday does not feel secure that is he problem.

It's not true to say that because dd only behaves like this with her parents that it is because their boundaries are off. Every day I talk to other Mums in dd's class who are at how horrible their sweet little dd's are when they are tired coming out of school. These children are not behaving like that at school but tired and creating when they come out because they've worked so hard to hold it together at school. I've read it a hundred times here on MN too. If the OPS boundaries were the issue surely ALL her children would be behaving like this?

But it doesn't show security to scream and hit out at your mum. It is like shouting "you don't love me. See, if I push you like this, you don't love me now, do you? If I really scream and create, do you love me now? How about now?"

It isn't about feeling secure. It is the opposite.

I agree scone. Some children are more challenging, it is a case of finding out what will help and keep things calmer. There will be something your dd will respond to. She is basically crying out for help to deal with her feelings.

aka that's all fine and good and I agree that all children can be bloody awful after a long week at school but that is not the OPs problem.

The OP has stated that this happens all day every day when she is with her and that her DD is not tired.

Also we all treat our children in different ways regardless of how much we try to be fair and equal. I have 3 at home (7, 7 and 5) and I know that we have differing boundaries for each of them and it works for us because they all have their own personalities so need different boundaries and treatment.

Children respond differently to different things and as parents we need to alter how we attend to a child because of this.

I do not mean that the OP lacks boundaries or has done something horribly wrong, just that the boundaries she has set for her DD are not right and as a result she is allowing her DD to behave the way she is.

What a relief to read this thread my6 year old dd is similar. I often dread weekends. I salsa think that unless you have a child like this it is very easy to offer advice on ow to make them behave, and easy to pint the finger at you. But of course we have all tried everything lots of times, and ultimately they wear you down. We have 3 ds's and a dd. All the boys were easy peasy, but dd is a completely different person and we treated them all the same.

For me the two things that have worked are: trying very hard not to shout as she always shouts back , and everything escalates.(Note, I want to shout nearly all the time!) other things are ignoring most bad behaviour and bigging up good behaviour. She always reonds to lots of praise and cuddles.

The battle goes on however. Perhaps we should start a club about 6 year old dd's they seem to be ( going by MN) mentioned on here a lot more than boys

I recommend The Explosive Child. I've been through many years of tantrums, violence, screaming. Reading this book helped me to change the way I parent, and things my relationship with my son is changing, and so is his behaviour. I really recommend it so much -- when I got it, I sat down and read the first chapter with tears running down my face because it described so accurately the war zone that our family life was.

I would say, though, that there are no magic, quick fixes, in parenting. But things can get better.

I agree with you OxfordBags. Negativity only reinforces the already negative behaviour.

I have seen it with my own children. Their dad is a bit old school or daft, in that he shouts first and thinks later. I have spent a long time hammering (non violently of course ) into him the need for a different approach with our 6 yo ds. He responds so well and so differently to positive praise that even as an advocate of the approach I've been surprised. (our ds that is )

I do see what you're saying and definitely agree that there always differences in how we interact with each of our children. Actually read a very interesting article about that, that totally disproved the saying of "well I brought my children up all exactly the same". Argued that it was totally impossible to have done so. I just think that for SOME children no amount of boundaries will work and you have to be a bit more creative in how you deal with them. More boundaries don't work for my dd, they make her more trapped and furious and prolong the horribleness.

Absolutely akaemma, that is our experience. Exemplary behaviour at school, horrific at home. Oxford's post is spot on re overhauling how you do things, and is the ethos behind the aha parenting thing. It has really worked for us.

What has also helped is a sort of simplicity / minimalism. Fewer toys, much more structured routine (including always getting up and ready before the children) to avoid flashpoints. 'Simplicity Parenting' is a book recommended on the minimalism threads and I've found it useful in simplifying to deal with behavioural issues. It's not all just about getting rid of stuff, it also recommends rituals, to help children feel secure. We always have tea and cakes once a week, for example. Love bombing works on a similar basis, I think. Behaviour as the OP describes does tend to stem from insecurity. Creating greater security based on simplicity and the aha! style of parenting has transformed our family life.

I find that about boundaries, they make her unbearable.

Another thing is keeping them sweet ( although I bitterly resent this ) and I find persuading works much better than directing. Also, asking them why they are behaving as they are when they are in the midst of it works very well. Dd will try to answer, but often doesn't,t know why she behaves like she does. However it sometimes takes the heat out of the situation and calms you and them down, and the answers can be quite interesting and insightful.

God it's so tiring though. Why can't she just be easy? Although I think she will be a great adult, strong willed and determined, so I kind of hang on to that in the darkest hours

I will have a look at that website jedward my dc love routine happenings each week. Get really excited about it, especially dd.

niminypiminy that books looks good - I've just ordered it!!!!

Do any of you with a 'difficult' child also have a 'model' child. My Ds2 is an angel - we have a real Horrid Henry and Perfect Peter situation. I often fear that Ds2 is SOO good because he he sees me struggling so much with DS1. I feel bad for him. I want him to feel like he can be a normal stroppy kid if that's how he feels. I worry he is taking too much responsibility for my feelings. He's only 7. Bless him!