To really dislike my daughter

[RachLeighmum]

I am sitting here in tears having just returned from another traumatic school run. My daughter is 6 and she is simply making our lives a misery. She acts like a spoilt brat, constantly whinges, is rude, she hits me, screams - the list is endless. So today's drama, we're walking to school and she - prancing about - drops her red nose. It rolled under the buggy I was pushing with my 6 month old dd and inevitably the wheel went over it. Cue, hysterics as her nose was now muddy and she couldn't possibly wear it (there was a smudge of mud which I wiped off). The rest of the way she cried, screeched and hit me. It was highly embarrassing and my blood was boiling.

Every day without fail we have this. It is causing an atmosphere in the house and nobody is particularly enjoying life at the moment as it is a black cloud hanging over us. I think my husband loves going off to work!

I feel envious of everyone who has that nice Friday feeling today. I, on the other hand, am dreading the weekend, dreading there being no school and having to spend two full days with my daughter.

There is not much left to confiscate. My dd's share a room and think that would hurt/punish dd1 most is if I moved the baby out of her room and into my son's room (he has a big room and would love this).

I just don't know what to do specifically with the sharing issue, and generally with how to deal with this nightmare. I feel sick to my stomach. Please please give me some advice xx

Thank you for all your suggestions and links, I have lots to think about.

We have tried marble rewards, didn't seem to work. I think I may give star chart another go but do it in a little book/diary to carry with us so the reward can be done instantly (ie on arriving calmly at school). Is that sill? And yes have small rewards after 5 stars so she is not waiting ages and loosing interest.

OK, I understand things are tough. But if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll get what you always get. Something has to change, and as you are the adults, the something has to be you.

There's advice here, there's advice all over the boards tbh. One thing that we are doing atm is 'how to talk so children can listen' which I highly, highly recommend. Another friend has a child with behaviour issues, they have started doing '123 Magic' and have had what she described as 'miraculous' results.

You are on a downward spiral, fair enough, it happens to us all, but you need to stop and fix this. A 6 yo with a 6 mo sibling has a lot going on in their little brains. I'm not saying turn a blind eye, I'm saying you need to find a way to sort this out.

I second the love bomb idea, think it would help to have special time together.

Yanbu.

My dd is 14 now and by lord I struggle to like the girl at times, it's sad because she can be so lovely but she can also be a vindictive madam, most of her behaviour is down to not getting what she wants when she wants it, when things are going her way she's fine.

So far this morning I've had doc martens thrown at me, been swore at, called names, nipped, punched, had a wooden plaque chucked at my head and been pushed.

All this is because she heard me and her dad had a takeaway and dvd whilst she was in bed last night.

She's still here now because I couldn't send her into school in that state, im the bad person because I had the audacity to get a bit frustrated in the end and slam a cupboard door.

She does have autism, im understanding to a point, she's a lucky girl, we have at least one day together each week when we go and do stuff, I read with her, take an interest in her stuff, we cook together etc i'd give Mary fucking Poppins a run for her money, I love the bones of the girl but find it hard to like her. I'm sick of the shouting and screaming and fed up she's made our home such a miserable place to be.

I know some of her behaviour is down to her condition, but a lot of it is down to personality traits, her brother also has autism and they're polar opposites, he's an utter joy to be around and keeps me going tbh. Really don't know how much longer I can carry on trying tbh.

Oh it sounds a very difficult situation. Some good suggestions and ideas. If it were me I think I would try some but condier asking for help from GP or possibly referral to CAMHS. I did that for a while with my son and just having a quiet neutral place to talk helped the situation (but he was a little older than your daughter)

Firstly, a big hug for you because life is not happy for you right now. And it's clearly not happy for your DD either. As others have said, a child behaves badly when life feels bad to them. It's the only way they can express how bad things feel to them.

In psychological terms, all humans need 'strokes' (ie attention). As you no doubt know already, children will do anything for these strokes and if the only - or best - way for them to get strokes is to get negative strokes from behaving badly, then they will play up.

I know you've identified it already, but if you do one thing, PLEASE stop labelling her as the naughty one. By repeatedly saying she is naughty, you are actually telling her who to be and what to do. She wants the strokes of identity and if her parents are saying her identity is to be naughty, then guess what - she'll be naughty. By constantly labelling her as naughty, you're actually removing all her other, more positive behaviour options.

You need to change to labelling her behaviour as naughty and bad, not her. Calling one action naughty is much, much more different than telling a child they are bad as a person. Also, try to treat each incident as an isolated one, don't keep bringing up a list of all the things she has done and keep doing, this just re-iterates her identity as naughty and that she is naughty and can't do anything good.

These are small things to help, but they won't magically transform all the problems. I too think that she would benefit from some counselling help (or maybe some family therapy, if everyone identifies her as the problem - she will remain that until the restof you change your attitude and approach).

My dd is exactly as you describe, exactly I could have written your post. In fact I think I did but it is another part of MN.

My dd has ASD but she is very high functioning. What DOESN'T work is getting angry too and punishing her. It drives her further down into her pit of anger and sadness and prolongs this particular episode. I find it comes in fits and starts but can last for weeks at a time. I cuddle her, kiss her and "don't hear" her rudeness and verbal abuse. When she cries after she's gone for me and says you hate me Mummy I say no I don't I love you more than anything in the world and I always will. Lord knows its hard, sometimes I dislike her intensely but you can never let it show because she can't help it .

If I sanction, confiscate, shout back it just works her into a fever pitch that she can't bring herself down from and she will remain heightened for weeks. Three days of Love Bombing and I have her back again.

I am not saying your dd has ASD but I do think the same issues and techniques can work. Your dd is massively sad and anxious about something which maybe manifesting itself in meltdowns.

You'll love her again and feel awful and miss her in about an hour, you'll see .

look at www.ahaparenting.com

I saw it recommended on a similar thread on here. It is a bit twee and American, but is the best site I've read, and I've read lots as we had a similar problem. I was really concerned that my dislike of my eldest's behaviour would be a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, and my other children would become the favourites.

One of the things recommended on aha is actually not to praise, and especially not to give generic praise (e.g. 'good boy'). It is counter-intuitive on some ways, but it has transformed our family life. My husband thought I'd gone crazy, but he has been won over!

Why do you allow her to be rude to you, not to mention hit you and scream at you?

Cote, that is really easy to say when your child isn't behaving like that all the time. Yes discipline and sanctions work to address episodes of bad behaviour, but where there is a long-standing general issue, that needs to be addressed along with any underlying reason for it.

What do you mean, CoteDAzur? Why am I 'allowing' it? She lashes out without warning, I tell her off A LOT for doing it. What am I supposed to do to 'disallow' it?

Am going to try and get the Love Bomb book ASAP.

Sorry to all those also having a hard time right now. Xx

What would YOU do cote?

Thanks Jed, just looking at link now.

I can't add a lot to the good suggestions already made but wondered - have you spoken to school and is she also doing this there? Or is the naughty behaviour directed at you alone?

Lovebombing:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

Personally, I find reward systems hard work. They are handy for specific tasks like brushing teeth I guess.

Ignore, ignore, ignore bad behaviour as much as you possibly can (not always possible!!!) Try to stay calm and pretend that there isn't a red-faced angry child hanging off your leg or whatever. The less of a reaction you give the better. Continue to pretend to have normal conversations with the rest of the family even though no-one can hear anyone else because of all the screaming.

When she stops screaming / being angry, chat happily to her pretending that the previous outrage never even happened, and try to engage with her, suggest things to do (doesn't have to be special one-on-one time or playing - even just "would you like to help me set the table for dinner? What drinks do you think everyone will want? You're a fantastic helper, what a good girl" - or if on the way to school "shall we see how many red cars we spot on the way in? Well spotted, I hadn't seen that one"). If she won't engage, then don't worry about it. At least she knows you're willing.

She does need to know that you love her. Tell her this even if you don't always feel it, because she needs to know that you love her in order for her to be happy.

Please note that the above doesn't always work because us parents are human and we get angry and frustrated too, and it's bloody hard work managing an angry child.

Thank you for all this.

Snazzy, she is ok-ish at school. She is very bright but does want to always be the one who gives the answer etc, she has been told off lots of times for calling out rather than putting her hand up. She has also been told off in assembly (my sons always reports this news to me with glee) for chatting. She gets distracted very easily, interrupts a lot and generally finds it hard to be quiet.

What I mean is, you don't talk to her when she is rude to you. Say "You don't talk to mummy that way" and put her in her room. Don't listen to her at all or respond to her unless she speaks in an acceptable tone.

Hitting you is completely unacceptable. She is old enough to understand that she can't hit anybody, and especially not her parents. (Does she hit her friends in school?)

Talk to her about this when she is calm one day. Tell her that you will not stand for it ever again and tell her what her punishment will be in advance. Maybe ask her if she would like you to hit her once, to see what it feels like.

I don't know how long this has been going on for, but you really need to stop it now. I completely disagree with whoever said she just needs to see you love her whatever she does. She needs to see boundaries. Yes, you love her, but you won't stand this sort of behaviour. Use as strong a language as you need to.

Oh tell your sons not to tell tales! How unfair is that? Everything she does reported back to Mum.

I agree with finding some time in the week to do something special just with her. This is what I did with DD when DS came along. I reassured her, made her feel special ("big girl"), and helped a lot with behavioural issues that came up at that time.

My suggestions were going to be lovebombing and Aha Parenting but I've been beaten to it :)
Another very good book is how to talk.... it has many useful strategies.
Nonviolent communication could be worth exploring.

Sorry Cote but I completely disagree. Telling a child who is completely secure and comfortable that you don't like their behaviour is one thing, but telling a child who is exhibiting insecurity the same will lead only into more bad behaviour.

This is a child (and quite a small one too) who feels she is the naughty one. If you reinforce that it will become engrained.

One thing I have found useful is having a "hug night" with each of the children. We have 5 and every friday they take it in turns to stay up late and just relax with me and dh. Its just one friday night out of 4 (the baby is too young yet) but they love it and it it really seems to help them feel connected to us, they chat about things which they havent mentioned before. Maybe something liek this would be helpful. A night thats just for her, no baby just her and you and your dh.

Very well said, Scone

Have a "worry time" every day. Lots of hugs, positive reinforcement when she is good.