To really dislike my daughter

[RachLeighmum]

I am sitting here in tears having just returned from another traumatic school run. My daughter is 6 and she is simply making our lives a misery. She acts like a spoilt brat, constantly whinges, is rude, she hits me, screams - the list is endless. So today's drama, we're walking to school and she - prancing about - drops her red nose. It rolled under the buggy I was pushing with my 6 month old dd and inevitably the wheel went over it. Cue, hysterics as her nose was now muddy and she couldn't possibly wear it (there was a smudge of mud which I wiped off). The rest of the way she cried, screeched and hit me. It was highly embarrassing and my blood was boiling.

Every day without fail we have this. It is causing an atmosphere in the house and nobody is particularly enjoying life at the moment as it is a black cloud hanging over us. I think my husband loves going off to work!

I feel envious of everyone who has that nice Friday feeling today. I, on the other hand, am dreading the weekend, dreading there being no school and having to spend two full days with my daughter.

There is not much left to confiscate. My dd's share a room and think that would hurt/punish dd1 most is if I moved the baby out of her room and into my son's room (he has a big room and would love this).

I just don't know what to do specifically with the sharing issue, and generally with how to deal with this nightmare. I feel sick to my stomach. Please please give me some advice xx

Yes, I have a model child......and then we had dd.........

The difference between behaviour at home and at school isn't necessarily due to boundaries.

My ds2 used to be one of those children who was very well-behaved at pre-school but a nightmare at home. Then out of the blue he suddenly switched and was much better at home but very difficult at pre-school. The staff there couldn't believe the sudden dramatic change. No boundaries had been changed in either setting.

RachLeighMum - It may be worth making an appointment to speak to your dd's teacher. He/she may be able to give you more of an insight into your dd's school behaviour, rather than the dribs and drabs you are hearing from her brother. They may be able to share some of the strategies that they feel have worked in school.

Snazzy, she is ok-ish at school. She is very bright but does want to always be the one who gives the answer etc, she has been told off lots of times for calling out rather than putting her hand up. She has also been told off in assembly (my sons always reports this news to me with glee) for chatting. She gets distracted very easily, interrupts a lot and generally finds it hard to be quiet,

Blimey, OP, have you borrowed my 6yr old DD??! I second the love bombing and lot of hugging, which tbh, I don't always feel like doing... but I do it and it does help. It's hard because with my DD her personality is so strong, but she is equally wonderful, jsut a bit hard to like 100% of the time! Good luck.

akaemmafrost, you're making some good points, but the one about surely all the Op's Dc would act like this if it was something to do with the parents is misguided. Everyone is an individual, everyone experiences life differently and every child is parented differently; even what seems like the slightest difference can make a huge difference to a child.

Eveyone experiences their childhood and parents differently - so differently,in fact, that when psychologists who study childhood experiences, memories and problems examine sibling sets, they cannot tell who are siblings, even identical twins, if they cannot see them or know their names. The data reads as though all of them are singletons.

Pressed too soon - meant to add that regardless of this evidence, it's not fair to use the 'none of my other children act like this' card on a child. It's just blaming the child and making them the problem, not looking at or for the real problem. Furthermore, it will just entrench their belief that they are the black sheep of the family further. In fact, making a child the problem and labelling them is what creates black sheep.

My dd is also very good at school and bright too. I often wonder when doing battle with my dd how girls were supposed to be passive and submissive in Victorian times. My dd would just have none of it. I would never want my dd to be like that, but in my darker moments I do spend a lot of time thinking about this. All the dd's on here are fighters and pioneers, not weak insipid females.

And may they always be this way!

I agree oxford I mentioned an article I read about that. How it's impossible as a parent to parent all of your children the same.

oranges good point! Dd is definitley more of an Elizabeth Bennett thank Jane Bennett. at least she isn't Lydia

My 'difficult' one is the eldest. I think I expected too much of them, whereas it was easier to say the younger ones were only little, or didn't understand etc etc

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, they are no longer 'difficult'!!

What's 1,2,3, Magic ? How does that work?

Entzhusiastic support for OxfordBags' posts and for all those who say you, as the adult, as the mother, need to sort this out. The further away from her you feel like being, the closer you have to get to her.

What's the relationship like between your ds and your 6yo? Who is the eldest? Could it be that she is competing with him for your attention, your love? Why (by the sound of it) does your ds have a big room to himself while your dd shares with the baby in a smaller room?

I come down instantly on any attempt by either of my children to get involved in my disciplining of the other. It's usually dc1 who tries it, as might be expected. I would not be pleased with your son for the gleeful way he tells you about your daughter getting told off.

I am a little bit worried that your OP implies that you hope to get her behaviour in order by attempting to 'hurt/punish' her. You must not be led by your understandable frustration.

Sorry, Emma, working on 3 hrs sleep here! Read that article now, v good :)

I was going to suggest lovebombing. You don't need to 'hurt' or 'punish' her. If she is being unlikeable, give her a hug, tell her you can see she is feeling angry and want to understand and help her feel less angry. Hugging, laughter, kisses, talking, is much less stress than sanctions and star charts. Hug her and praise her when she is being lovely but do this also when she is not.

When Ds acts up, I try to think of how I'd like to be treated if I was having a meltdown and struggling to control my own behaviour (I am terrible at being able to bring myself out of negative emotions, be it sadness or anger, etc., and that is because my parents never taught us how to do that), not just during the bad behaviour, but after. It would not help me to blamed, labelled, be reminded of my crappy actions and words in the future and have them held against me, or have things I love witheld from me. It'd make me feel like the worst person in the world, I'd hate myself and it'd just make me more angry, more likely to lash out and play up, etc. More importantly, nothing would be solved and whatever had made me blow up in the firt place would not have been sorted, as all the emphasis would be shifted onto me being bad, not why I was bad. Now, he is only 2, so not the same as dealing with an older kid, obviously, but this practice extends to all children, IMHO.

Oneof the best pieces of advice on parenting I ever got was from my Grandfather, before I actually had children: you have to give children the chance to BE good.

Only had time to read the first page of replies, but I really recommend this book. The guy who wrote it runs a school for children who have been excluded from other schools and he turns around their behaviour. It's an easy read and i like that he starts off with positive methods to try, such as praise , reward, play. It sounds like confiscating things is not really helping your daughter's frustration.

Another great post, OxfordBags.

I don't remember great chunks of my childhood - subsequent events in my adolescence and young adulthood have, sadly, given me a fair idea of why that might be - but I do remember that having a tantrum felt like the world ending and that afterwards, to a degree, it stayed ended, at least for a while. This has made me very conscious to always make sure that when one of my children has had a tantrum, he has a safe calm place afterwards, gets love and reassurance and a clear signal that 'this is over now' - I call it 'wrapping their world around them again'. There may, of course, be a chat about what he might do next time to stop things escalating, or a serious reminder that certain types of behaviour are unacceptable whatever the situation, but the context is security and love. And - it's a point others have made - totting up incidents in your mind into a state where your dd is seen as 'ruining' things for others is a recipe for disaster tbh. Behaviour patterns of course need to be addressed - we worked very successfully with a home/school sticker chart when my eldest was having some difficulties; there were sanctions but a heavy emphasis on rewards and on getting a new chance every day - but the 'background music' makes a very big difference.

I always think about an adult in a work situation. If i had a boss who just criticised me all the time and applied sanctions, I'd soon get so angry and frustrated that i'd not want to do anything good.

123 Magic didn't work with mine. I had great faith in it too. She was just too defiant and determined to be right

I think 123 Magic sounds a useful technique for dealing with behaviour, but in cases like the OP I really think the underlying insecurities need to be dealt with. Aha parenting, Simplicity Parenting, Love Bombing and the other similar things recommended are basically all variations on the positive parenting idea. And they work. Yes, bad behaviour needs to be dealt with, but a quick scan through the Stately Homes threads should show why creating a feeling of security is essential. Those threads are full of tales of people who were the scapegoat child, with the sibling who was a golden child, remembering harsh criticism for childish transgressions.

This thread had been really useful as it describes my ds1 who is 6 too. I find it hard to know how to discipline him as he gets so negative about himself.

I have been reading How To Talk and it's approaches do seem to be better than what I was using previously.

I would like to ignore the bad behaviour more but most of it is physical attacks on ds2 so I don't feel I can. Can I hijack and ask if anyone has any advice on how to deal with that in as non negative way as possible?
Thanks

runnervt could you calmly remove one or other from the room, until he's quietened down and then carry on as normal?

Runnervt - We didn't have any physical attacks, but the tantrums were so aggressive at times that it was almost like that.

What worked for us was totally changing routine and approach. We were always loving and always had boundaries, but obviously my child with her experiences needed something different. Someone said upthread something about all children being different and experiencing childhood differently, and it's so true.

We started by minimalism and simplified everything - stuff and routine, following the 'Simplicity Parenting' ethos Pared down the toys. Porridge every morning, ready by the tome they got up and dressed. No 'what do you want for breakfast' etc. This provided both routine and streamlined mornings to avoid flashpoints. Now we have this really entrenched we can deviate from the routine sometimes and it is fine, but we stuck to it firmly for several weeks. Different things will work for your family, but you get the idea.

We also do consistent nice rituals - tea and cakes once a week. This fits with the 'Love Bombing' idea - you take the child out for a one off love bomb, or do regular little ones.

I think this worked as one of the key reasons for children behaving better at school is not different boundaries but more consistent routine. Children may ask to do something, but what they actually need and want is the security that consistency and predictability bring. They need you to be in charge as the parent. Children who are 'in charge' feel out of control and act up.

Once we had simplified, we added in the 'Aha parenting' style of parenting speak. We don't randomly praise and never generic praise. We avoid getting angry at behaviour. This is easier said than done but was much easier having already simplified and introduced routine and ritual. It didn't happen overnight, but reading the Aha Parenting site (and signing up to their emails) really helped and I have adopted its methods. And.... We now only have to deal with 'standatd' behaviour issues. No aggressive rages, relentless wailing etc etc

Sorry, that was long...

Also, one of the key things in dealing with the sibling issue is not making one child feel less favoured. I found that really hard, and I think I appeared to be favouring the younger child, because I didn't have the same behavioural expectations. But in reality, they are both little, and when I accepted this, it became a lot easier. I also let go of needing to police their interactions too much - accepting that sometimes they will disagree.

Less stuff was crucial for us though - less to fight over, now they play more together and there really are very few incidents between them.