To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

Omg, you have to say sorry but no. I would not want them around for labour and returning home with a new baby. Perhaps you can have a hormonal meltdown (tears/screaming) after two days and chuck them out saying this isn't going to work. With any luck they'll check in to the nearest hotel and keep their distance!

YADNBU! I fell to pieces when MIL & BIL came to stay literally days after DS arrived and after an horrific birth.

It doesn't matter who they are, it's the last thing you need when feeling vulnerable and in pain.

DH should be having a word.

I'm really angry on your behalf curious, is your 'D'H really that thick that he doesn't realise what he's suggesting, or just totally whipped by his parents he can't stand up to them and support his wife?

You really do have my sympathy - I hope you show your DH this thread and he takes it on board.

No no no. A million times no. I'm so cross on your behalf. I can't imagine anything worse than having unwanted house guests when you've just had a baby AND moved house.

Maybe say to them that they can come and stay, but that due to all the moving difficulties they will be sleeping on the sofa as you wont have time to unpack the spare room, and you definitely wont be able to get the Sky hooked up for weeks after you move so they will be stuck watching endless Peppa Pig DVDs with DD1.

Or maybe come at them all sunny and positive and be like 'WOW! It's so great of you to offer to come round and do all the cooking and cleaning while DH and I bond with our new baby. I'll be sure to make you lots of lists of all the jobs I need doing round the house!'?

My mum asked the same question about them going back to their house as all the extra work is external, but they're not putting it on the end of the schedule, they've slotted it in the middle so that the knocking down internal walls through to new spaces (conservatory and extension) would still be watertight... Then it's internal stuff, new bathrooms, putting in downstairs loo and utility.. New wiring and plastering throughout, redecoration throughout, new kitchen, new fireplace and altering the layout will all be the bit they can't be there for.

I've been on the phone to DH having a massive row about this, I've read him some thread but his thinking is that as I'm not going to be breast feeding (due to a series of surgeries I had to have in my early twenties I had to have most of the breast taken away and reconstructed so it's not possible) then a lot of the concerns aren't valid. But this is a major reason for me, with my DD because she was bottle fed everyone wanted to 'have a go' and you sort of don't have a leg to stand on about doing it yourself... Other than being home alone just wanting cuddles and not putting them down, but I'm going to lose that with them here.

BIL and SIL's plan is that her mum arrives on the 5th June, giving us time to move house, then MIL & FIL can come to our new house with plenty of room from the 4th / 5th until her mum goes home (but flights home to ireland not yet booked and last time she stayed six weeks). But the new house has an extra bedroom, but one room less reception space... So we'll actually be more cramped in than we would be here.

I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

My dog going is just not going to happen... It would be all I need for him to associate being sent away with my new DD, and I'd miss him terribly too.

It is just so frustrating, this whole thing is just going to make so many problems for DH and me. I asked SIL to lunch to talk it over but she's so far dodging my text...

Oh, and my DH does contract work so paternity isn't paid. Between taking two weeks off unpaid, bits and bobs we need for the baby, DH and i getting (legally) married in two weeks time, moving costs & new house and having to fly to Ireland and stay there for four nights a few weeks later for SIL wedding we have no spare money to house them somewhere else.

What is it with mother in laws trying to impose themselves in particular! How do people so conveniently forget what it's like to have a baby and the overwhelming feelings?!

My parents are really local, just round the corner literally, but have my two younger brothers (still at secondary school & one at college, huge age gap between me and them) so don't really have the space for me... :(

Do they really have to move out of their own house while building work is done? My parents moved, one winter, into a house which was sold as uninhabitable - it was boarded up, structurally unsound in parts, no utilities and uninsurable. Also a friend moved into her house which needed a lot of work doing, she has had to cope with no floorboards, no bathroom, no electricity etc and she has children and pets! Her neighbour ran an extension lead through a window so they could have power. Neither situation was ideal by any stretch of the imagination but people manage somehow.

Years ago I had a very unhappy living situation for a year. Looking back I wish I had just moved out, rented somewhere else and had to pay double rent for that period, even though I could barely afford one rent, as the effects of that year on my self esteem and confidence were so long lasting. So perhaps you could club together with other family to rent somewhere for PIL if they insist they can't afford to. It could avoid long term damage.

Oh god, if they can feed her, they will never let you have any time alone with her.

Maybe say to DH that if he thinks this kind of unhappiness and fighting between is bad, he should consider what four weeks of it will be like.

Surely they can stay locally somewhere and MIL can still come and visit you for the day etc?

Just tell your husband it's too hard and the timing is bad then, if he won't get rid of them after the birth.
If you have just needed to have a row with DH on the phone, keep it up. Plenty of strops, tears, the works.... and maybe threaten tears in front of PILs? Tell him you'll tell them yourself, otherwise, he will have to tell them to put the building work on hold.
Keep at it, you really mustn't let this happen OP, good luck.

Wow, I'm really angry on your behalf. Does your DH actually want to stay married? I think if you go ahead with this then you'll end up despising your PILs and possibly also your husband for putting you in this situation.

As for his suggestions that you can go upstairs, while trying to bond with a new baby and recover from major abdominal surgery and allow your PIL to watch sky sports in peace downstairs. I want to divorce him on your behalf. The git.

DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

Tough luck to her. You are not responsible for providing her with excitement. Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position.

DH might want to remind his rude & imposing parents that they won't get a WINK of sleep iwth a newborn in the house either... that might be enough to get them into a quiet & peaceful holiday let with Sky Sports...

You could always accidentally drop the Sky box during the move.

Just read your post about not being able to BF. feeding is one of the major ways to bond with a baby. Your the baby's mother, YOU need to bond with that child over anyone else.

I felt so fragile in those newborn days I think put into this situation I would have actually ended up screaming at them to get out and any relationship would be permanently damaged.

OP I'm so sorry about all this :( your dh I'm afraid to say is a sad excuse for someone who is meant to look after and protect his wife. My dh has specific cultural norms with his family living in eachothers pockets babies being passed around like parcels after the birth but he knows there's no way in hell I would allow this. I think you and he have bigger issues than this in law thing. He does not have enough respect for you, and that's the truth. His parents are a fucking disgrace. Astounded at their sense of entitlement.

Tell him your privacy and time alone with your children at this time is more important that his mothers "excitement".

It's not personal, you just don't want anyone staying.

You are not having a baby to provide your MIL with some excitement

It is not about what your MIL wants ffs. I think you should take your DH out of the equation and tell your PIL directly that this is not going to work for you. You DH is not up to the job of looking out for you, you may have to do it for yourself.

What a nightmare, the last thing you need is fil squatting in your living room with skysports on all day while your mil is trying to take over your newborn. You'll have no privacy to bond and enjoy your kids, rest and you won't be able to enjoy visitors you want to see as they'll always be around. No normal, considerate person would think of imposing themselves on someone at a time like this, I find that these types never listen to polite hints/requests and you have to be blunt with them and never compromise because you give them an inch they'll always take a mile!!!

Ring your mil and tell her the truth, you have too much on your plate, you will need all the rest and privacy you can get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and bond with a newborn while also taking care of your dd and that won't be possible with them sitting in your house all day for over a month. They can either rearrange their schedule for work on the house or find other accommodation but you won't be putting yourself out so they can save a few pounds. If she tries to argue/guilt trip you, tell her to stop being so rude, they're not welcome, full stop.

If your dh whines about that make it clear that it's his own fault for not getting the point across himself. What a selfish man, expecting you to put up with his obnoxious parents, ruining what should be a special time.

I'm just so bloody shocked at this complete twat.

Excitement!? Fine for him to suck the excitement out of his wife and make her
miserable when she needs him most...

Ohh yes, as long as his mummy isn't put out.

Fucker.

I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

Don't compromise - this seems like a set up to get MIL what she wants.

I'd tell them all no - SIL, MIL - don't speak text or write. Just saying no to IL staying at all and that you don't want to hear from them for a long while.

Don't explain or compromise.

Then sit DH down and read him the riot act - tell him this isn't happening and your bloody mad at his attitude. Keep doing it till it goes in. If it doesn't them I do think you have big problems.

Having said I wouldn't move out - if no one was listening then I might well do so to avoid the situation and to make a huge point- but I'd be resentful for a long while afterwards.

It does sound like they just expect you to cave to their wishes.

If you did move out, the take the sky boxes, but then again, im quite petty.

"Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position."

This. I would too.You have offered a more^ than reasonable compromise, one which i wouldn't have offered being heavily pregnant and moving house. Yet it still isn't enough for your dh. He's being utterly selfish.

Not breastfeeding doesn't mean anything;

• you will still be in pain,
• you'll still be exhausted, *you'll still be leaking ,
• you will still get hormonal and upset (who needs the IL's to witness that?)
• you could still get a scar infection ( I spent a lot of time in the bath with that one, and a lot of time laying naked from the waist down on the sofa to give it fresh air.) *you will still be bonding with your new baby, not easy with eager grandparents wanting to whisk the baby away
• you could still get PND, in fact with all the stress it will be far more likely.

He needs to prioritise the welfare of his wife, not that of his parents.

They can TELL the builders (after all, they are paying them aren't they?!) to do the major internal house stuff FIRST, and see to the outside at the end. then hopefully they can fuck off go home before the baby arrives.

I've had 4 c-sections and I feel quite concerned and very angry for you.

Some people would be totally fine with this , the more the merrier etc.

I 100% would not be and from the sounds of it nor are you.

Keep it simple and say no that isnt going to be possible and do not include the word "sorry".

I hate to say this but are you marrying the right man ? His suggestion the dog is banished and you can go upstairs ... Also what has whether you are BF got to do with it ?