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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 10:48

You need to put your foot down about this now. The stress is no good for you, and the long term resentment within the family that will be created by this ridiculous situation won't be good for anybody!

If bil can't have them anymore then they need to go on holiday/rent or buy a caravan or stay in a cheap hotel. This is their problem not yours.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 10:50

And yes, show your dh this thread. I've had 4 c-sections, unless you've had one it can be difficult to understand what it is like and how long recovery takes. You just want to rest in the privacy of your own home and recover, not have it full of bloody in laws!

HazleNutt · 14/03/2013 10:51

Saw the thread title and thought that well, of course it's inconvenient, but if they have nowhere else to stay..

But after reading - YANBU! What ledkr said earlier - you will have a newborn, you need to be able to relax in your own home and do what you want, which will also include sitting in your old PJs, leaking all over and breastfeeding the baby on the sofa while watching whatever you want, if anything. I don't quite imagine doing it next to FIL who insists on absolute quiet while he watches some stupid sports programs.

So your DH really thinks it's reasonable to "send you to your room" if you want some privacy?

Crinkle77 · 14/03/2013 10:52

Really feel for you OP but I think you and your husband are going to have to set some ground rules. Firstly that you will not be doing all the meals. Tell them to treat it as their own home ie. that they do not need to wait to be offered a drink or something to eat. Just go and help themselves. They will also have to clear up after themselves. With regards to the Sky Sports can they not have a telly in their room and if your PIL wants to watch it he can go upstairs. I think you need to have a discussion with them and just tell them how it is going to be.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 10:53

Yeah show him the thread and we can tell him that:

  1. C section is major surgery, i know, i couldnt have a dump for 4 days nor sleep in my own bed for 4 weeks
  2. OP needs privacy and her own space, and being shunted upstairs, is not nice and the suggestion is pretty cunty.
  3. Yes, they will get on OP's nerves and want to hog the baby.
  4. Sky sports, how twatty can one person be.
  5. The dog, its his home, not PIL, get a grip, idiot.
  6. Your wife's wellbeing and emotional should be your number one priority.
  7. DID IT NOT CROSS YOU TINY MIND THAT OP MIGHT WANT YOU TO HERSELF WITH THE KIDS BONDING!!!
  8. Stop being an idiot and say no to them.
catsmother · 14/03/2013 10:54

There are so many potential solutions to this but it sounds like the PILs and indeed your DH can't be bothered to investigate these as it's "easier" and less expensive to impose upon you. I'll concede - just about - that maybe as a man DH can't quite imagine how vital it is for a new mum to safeguard her privacy if she wants to - but for heavens sake he is already a parent and should have some inkling of these matters - or at least be prepared to be guided by you and allow you the final say. However, MIL is a mother herself and it's extraordinarily insensitive of her (in particular) to suggest/expect this with no regard for your feelings when she's been through the birth experience herself. Unless they'd been made homeless suddenly and unexpectedly and it truly was a genuine emergency - am thinking fire/flood - no-one in their right mind would even bloody well bother to mention such an imposition at a time like this and cause you all this stress/worry/bad feeling with DH long before June. What have they done to try and sort this out ? - they have 3 months to do it.

Okay, so, they could :

  • Work round BIL's MIL's visit
  • Stay with friends - maybe several different friends for shorter periods of time
  • Ditto other relatives
  • Go on holiday for some or all of this time
  • Rent/buy caravan or motorhome and remain on site (maybe sell when no longer needed)
  • Postpone the bloody work that apparently requires them to be out of the house
  • Rent something short term
  • Stay in B&B or Travelodge

And if they can't afford these options or find someone willing to put them up for free then they'll have to rethink their landscaping won't they.

Unless you feel 100% comfortable BTW you shouldn't be moving to your own parents for the duration either while PILs have the run of your new house for god knows how long. However lovely your parents are it still won't be your home and you're still going to have the privacy issues there and lose the ability to chill out on your own terms.

It goes without saying that you should be DH's first priority of course.

noblegiraffe · 14/03/2013 10:56

No no no. Not even with ground rules is this acceptable. Just a flat out no and tell your DH that you and your children are his priority and you will not be shoved aside for his parents who can and should sort out elsewhere to stay.

ChinUpChestOut · 14/03/2013 11:01

I'm utterly horrified at the idea that these two mature adults would actually think it's perfectly acceptable to lodge with OP in these circumstances. Have they no shame, to think that saving themselves some money takes priority over a woman who has just given birth?

A pregnant strop is exactly what you need to have. Don't make yourself ill with it, but tell your DH that this is not happening. A C-Section seriously limits your mobility, and means that you cannot traipse up and down the house avoiding TV-hogging in-laws. It is regrettable, but the delays to your in-laws' renovation means that they must find paid temporary accommodation. They cannot stay with you.

And I also agree that you should show your DH this thread. I've never seen so much support for an OP on AIBU.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 11:04

I agree that even with ground rules , this will not work.

catsmother · 14/03/2013 11:04

Yeah I wouldn't go near "ground rules" either. It'll be impossible to think of everything you'd need them to do in order not to feel uncomfortable and there's huge potential for rows, resentment and misunderstanding when someone "misinterprets" the rules - which they're bound to. The issue isn't whether or not they'll "behave themselves" - it's the fact they're there at all.

Hopasholic · 14/03/2013 11:19

I've got a trailer tent if you want it Grin
Fwiw my blood has been boiling reading this. No way on earth should they come and stay. Your memories are precious and they will ruin it for you.
If you're stressed, so are the DC's. They are being so unreasonable and so is your DH. Put your foot down with a firm hand Angry

gymmummy64 · 14/03/2013 11:20

Also if your newborn is anything like my two were, the very last thing your FIL would get would be peace and quiet to watch TV. Yes, some babies do little but sleep for the first month or so, but others most certainly do not!

digerd · 14/03/2013 11:23

I am so sad that your DH is opting out of telling his parents NO, but that is not unusual, I'm afraid. PIL sound very domineering and DH is taking the easy way out at your expense. He's a coward!. You do not need all this stress at this time and he should be doing everything to make things easier for you, not much worse.
Very sad.

LittleWhiteWolf · 14/03/2013 11:26

Fuck this shit.
Say no and repeat no until it sinks in.
Show your partner this thread: OPs partner, do your wife a favour and stand up to your parents, would you? She doesn't need this at such a difficult time in her life/your marriage and aren't you looking forward to the month of becoming a family of four? I had a blissful time in the first two weeks of my DC2s life as we settled into being a 4 from a 3 and it was great! Don't spoil it!

hufflepup · 14/03/2013 11:26

No no no no no! My tummy is in an angry knot just thinking about how awful that sounds! Ugh. Absolutely put your foot down. You don't want to spend these weeks hiding in your bedroom to get some peace. No no no

Loa · 14/03/2013 11:28

YANBU.

I think your best bet is to look for alternatives - short lets/holiday lets.

It's what my parents did when suddenly backed into a corner by a relative at last minute - would have been carnage if the relative shad stayed with them.

I'd also not apologies to IL or DH for not going along with this plan- I'd get very angry with them for proposing it and let them know that.

I expect this plan is the path of least resistant for them at minute and your being expected to fall in - if you make a fuss and give them an alternative they'll probably jump at it.

mistlethrush · 14/03/2013 11:31

Can you and your DD go and stay at your parents for a couple of weeks - and let DH and PiL stay then - and then say you'll be returning WITH the dog, which won't be shut out because there's going to be enough stress for him with another baby in the house to cope with without being excluded from family life...

Loa · 14/03/2013 11:35

If your IL aren't listening - write to them politely stating this isn't happening and tell them you are very angry that they would put you and your unborn DC under this level of stress.

Enclose the list of alternative they have.

Then get very angry with anyone who says anything to you about it again. I expect there will be bad feeling what ever you do though.

Loa · 14/03/2013 11:38

Personally I wouldn't be moving out my house and I'd be annoyed that it was being put on my plate at all.

This isn't your problem its your ILs - don't let them and your DH make it your problem.

HeathRobinson · 14/03/2013 11:42

Is it just me, or does it seem very convenient that they have to stay with you the month that dh is off and when the baby is a newborn?

If this were happening to me, I would move out myself, if necessary.

BeeBopDingALing · 14/03/2013 11:44

YANBU. No way would I want my MIL staying with us for that long trying to take over. Your DH should be supporting you and telling them it is not going to happen.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/03/2013 11:45

Definitely not, no way. YANBU under the circumstances.

I would tell dh its fine as long as he takes the time off, why is he not taking time off anyway. House move, his first child, new baby and major surgery. He should be at home anyway.

Ledkr · 14/03/2013 11:48

If you absolutely can't stop this then how about actually booking them somewhere for the two weeks after the baby comes and saying why.
I'd do that even at my own cost rather than go through what I went through before.
It's awful and your dh needs to realise where his loyalties lie.
I also think you should show him this thread.

catsmother · 14/03/2013 11:54

I wondered that too Heath .... it seems so damn obvious to me to postpone the building work until such time it's easier for them to vacate the house yet they've seemingly not even begun to consider that. I'm not saying they necessarily planned this - and it does sound as if FIL would be happy wherever he was so long as he had Sky Sports - but when things overran I do think it might have given MIL - she of the "my baby" persuasion - the perfect "excuse" to come and play dollies happy families with the newborn, taking the baby out to show it off to friends and so on. That of course would be another source of distress and worry for the OP - having to fend off such requests, and MIL getting the hump because OP doesn't want to relinquish her newborn.

digerd · 14/03/2013 11:59

You, your 2-year-old and the coming baby ARE his priorities. His parents are NOT.

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