To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

OMG just seen the sports package bit!

NO NO NO AND NO AGAIN!!!!

I'm another one adding to the chorus of no. We recently renovated and part of our budget was renting a shoebox to live in. It's just bonkers to expect someone to put you up for weeks on end.

I had a cs with dd and it took 3 weeks for the pain to go. And I spent most of those 3 weeks on the sofa with my nipples hanging out. There is no way that I could have done that comfortably with anyone other than dh or dm around.

Throw a hysterical strop, use your hormones to best advantage and just say its not possible. They can find the money for expensive building work so if they had to they could change the work so they could pay for accommodation.

There won't be any sky sports after your baby arrives. Your DD will need cbeebies!

Your pils's are adults, it's not your job to give them somewhere to stay. In other circumstances then I would agree it would be something you should help out with

But the fact is you don't have to have them because you can't.To me you having the baby is as good as or a better reason than your sil having her mother to stay. If you didn't have a spare room what would they do? Rent somewhere? Stay with friends? Postpone the work? Well whatever it is that's what they should do now because your house is not available

My Sisters house, alone channel on during the day is Cbeebies,

You need to throw a major pregnant strop.

Totally agree with everyone else and surely if you show DH ledkr's excellent post this might actually penetrate his skull as being a ridiculous idea. Like others have said, if people take the piss when you've just had a baby you never, ever forget it. Foot down time, and good luck.

Arbitrary - that's so awful and I can totally relate as have a similar "sister" situation. It has actually meant that I now have had to break all contact with my "family". And whilst it's very hard, I'm grateful that I've now seen them in all their toxic glory, and I'm no longer kidding myself that they give two shits about me or my children.

Sending some unMNy hugs to both of you.

I have just asked dh what he would say to your dh after our horrible experience.
He said he'd tell him to stuck up for his wife not his parents.
He started talking about things and how guilty he still feels about letting me down.
He spoke about being furious still at his parents behaviour and how he feels differently about his mother since.
I was in tears just at the memory of it and how it spoiled our special time.
That was from over two years ago.
I will never fully forgive my pil or ever really like them again.
That is very sad.

If BIL/SIL were OK with it-just turn it back to them.

It's them who have "double booked" & their problem to sort out!

Oh, and totally agree in terms of building timelines, double and add two weeks. They will be at yours forever.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just keep repeating it to your DH - no!

It is not up to you to find a solution, and you don't have to accept, or even discuss, such an awful imposition.

Put your foot down before this ruins your family relations, and those first precious weeks with your new DC.

Joining the mass of indignant MN fury on your behalf OP.
Your PIL's cannot descend on you in this way just because their renovation schedule has slipped and their other son has backed out of them staying with him. They will need to make other arrangements. What they seem to be proposing is utterly and obviously unreasonable and has the potential to rob you and your family of so much. You must not allow it.
Your DH needs to understand this - show him the thread! - and take your feelings seriously. (You can "just go upstairs" if their prolonged presence in YOUR new home with a new baby etc etc is too much? Words fail me.)
I wouldn't muddy the waters by talking about compromises - a week here or there, setting up separate rooms - I can't see those boundaries sticking. Just say no.

Yanbu

They will have to re-budget the renovations and factor in temporary accommodation costs. That is what most decent people would do.

They cannot impose on you, to be honest I am shocked that they and your dh thinks this is on.

MIL stayed with us for a month the time when ds2 was born, and we have not seen eye to eye since. It is dreadful. Her idea was, and still is, chocolate for breakfast for kids, to "fatten them up".

If you do this, you risk ruining your relationship with the inlaws for all future. The fact that they are even suggesting it is seriously risking your cordial relationship.

And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn.

I am aghast!

DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!

Your DH should be ashamed of himself for even thinking this I'm disgusted he could even suggest such a thing. What a twat for putting his parents above his wife, the woman he's supposed to love above all others, a woman who is having major abdominal surgery to give birth to his child. What a fuckwitted wanker. He needs to grow up, put you first and say no to his parents. If they can afford to have the place landscaped they can afford to find a short term let.

I think you should start with the proposition that this is simply not going to happen, and start getting practical.

It sounds like they need somewhere to live for 6-8 weeks.

How many of those weeks can they stay with ILs? Is her mother really there this whole time?

Perhaps, as a compromise, you could say that they can stay with you at the end of this period, in July, so a month or so after your section. But set the earliest date they can come and stick to it.

If they insist they can't afford to rent somewhere else I would go so far as to offer to rent it for them. I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes money does solve problems and it would give them no excuse to impose on you.

SHOW YOUR HUSBAND THIS THREAD

Mr Curious: however hard it will be for you to stand up to your parents and deal with the fallout, it is nothing compared to how hard it will be for your wife to go through all this with your parents hovering around. Please be a nice guy and sort it out properly.

Its worth pointing out that "just walking upstairs" is bloody painful post cs. It used to take me 10 min and could carry baby at same time sometimes particularly if pain killers were wearing off.

TBA: I only maintain any contact because Ds1 is now 12 (he was 9 at the time) and has always known his grandmother. The contact is seriously limited but I think it would be harmful to DS1 to completely cut her off. I have even more limited contact with my sister, to the point that I know neither her address nor phone number (indeed, I only know which city she lives in, and have never visited). If DS2 had been my first child, there's no way I'd have continued contact and he's never know he had maternal grandparents at all.

• couldn't carry baby

Also, if you are managing the renovations, perhaps you can find some "problem" that will delay things even more, so they won't need to leave their house until later and can go back to staying with ILs.

No No No No No! YANBU!

If the extended work is mostly external (conservatory, steps and landscaping) then why cant they move back into their own home?

To even suggest it is ridiculous!

Why are you the one dealing with all this? BIL can't have them staying as his mil is visiting, you can't have them stay as you're moving house and expecting a baby. Why is BIL now off the hook but you just have to try and fit them in anyway regardless of new baby and house move?

BIL can get a blow up bed for his livingroom and they can all take turns sleeping on it.

I also think that the only reason they have nowhere else to go is because they haven't started looking for anywhere yet.
Sorting out accomodation should have been done first and when they decided on stuff that extended the timetable they should have arranged accommodation before agreeing to the garden stuff, which otherwise could be done at a later date when inside the house.
Our extension took 2 months longer than planned.
They may have to cancel the house stuff and have it when they can stay with your BIL, or just start looking for accommodation now. They aren't little children, they should have sorted this out first. This isn't an emergency. They are doing this stuff to enhanse their lives but it shouldn't be at the expense of the quality of your life.

"And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn."

This, a million times this ^^

As someone whose babies did not come home for nearly two months, I never got that time to spend hours snuggling with them, to properly establish breast feeding, to recuperate from a CS in my own bed, and I would give almost anythign to have that time. Don't give it up out of some misplaced sense of duty and politeness and fuckwitted husband

I second showing him the thread. He might realise that it isn't just you being awkward, it's genuinely important to your ability to recover from a CS, bond as a family and avoid serious resentment later on.

Also, fuck going upstairs in your own house! Tell him if this happens you will be asking his parents to go upstairs when its too much. See how he likes it being turned around, I'm betting he'd be outraged at the prospect of his parents being banished upstairs. Pity the thought of his wife having to do so doesn't inspire such a reaction

YANBU. Outraged on your behalf.

Please show your 'D'H this thread. Appalling lack of support.