To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

[diddl]

OP-can your mum come to stay to help you so that there's no room??

Good idea to stay with her & let your husband sort the move if possible.

Although I don't see why OP should move out so that her ILs can move in.

Certainly doesn`'t solve the problem of time as just a family of 4!

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

no No no no no
You have a toddler, are expecting a newborn by CS, your DH works long hours, you have a dog, you're moving house, AND you're helping oversee your IL's renovations?!?! ENOUGH!

They can rent a caravan, stay in a B&B, ask your BIL to rearrange his plans, ask around at friends, do a million and one other things, but NOT expect to sit in your house and be waited on. End of.

[shewhowines]

I've been thinking more about this whilst washing up I am so sad .

You have to say no.

If Dh tries to guilt trip you then point out that it is far worse for you than SIL/DB and they've managed to say no.
Tell him that its ok for him as it will hardly impact on him but that you be stressed to high heaven as it is, with the move and lack of sleep, and that it will impact greatly on you and it's not fair to expect you to do this. Tell him that you can't see it ending well and that for your future relationship with your PIl you have to say no.

Compromise for a week if you need to but only if others compromise too. IE they sleep on the sofa/in the dining room at SIl for a week, go on holiday for a week, stay with friends etc.

Otherwise they will need to put the building work back.

For your mental health you have to say no.

[doctorhamster]

Just wanted to add...cancel sky sports. That might sway them to find an alternative. My ils spend all day glued to it too and it drives me Fucking insane!!

[shewhowines]

You need to get him on board with this, then he needs to grow the balls and say no to his parents just like his DB/SIL have.

[FairyJen]

At the end of the day they made a conscious choice to renovate their he. What exactly would they have done if you and bil lived abroad?? They would have found alternative accommodation then so they can now!

[FryOneFatManic]

If your DH pushes ahead with letting your PIL stay, he needs to be aware that the resentment this causes will impact on the future of your marriage.

[LadyPessaryPam]

Change the ground rules or don't let it happen. This is your home FFS!!

[ArbitraryUsername]

Just tell them that you cannot have house guests and a newborn at the same time. You will resent them otherwise.

I'll tell you my dreadful imposition around birth of a child story (which still affects family relationships today).

When I was pregnant with DS2, H and I were living in a small 3 bedroom house far away from both our families. About 6 or so hours from my family and about 2.5 hours from H's. At the time, my stepfather was working abroad and my mum would spend most of her holidays (she's a teacher) out where he worked. She'd usually take my (27 year old at the time) sister with her (because my sister refused to get a job and leave home and look after herself. Important background info: I do not get on with my sister, who is a self-entitled and attention-seeking arsehole to put it mildly. H doesn't like her either, for the same reasons as me.

So, DS2 was due in early August and my mum planned to fly back towards the end of August to see him. He was, of course, 2 weeks late. In mid July she phoned me to tell me that my sister wanted to come and stay with us for 6 weeks spanning both before and after DS2's birth because she just loves babies so. H and i were supposed to feed her, do her washing, chauffeur her around in the car where she wanted to go, etc during all this time and she was (of course) to contribute nothing. I said no (not entirely politely, as I was taken aback by both my mum and my sister's sense of entitlement). I said she could come and visit for a day or so after the birth but no more.

My mum was very angry with me about this so between them my mum, my step-dad and my sister decided that they were going to impose my sister on us anyway. They booked a flight back for her with my mum and just decided that the pair of them were going to come and stay in our house for 2 weeks. I found out about this when H arrived back from picking my mum up at the airport with my sister in tow. A huge argument ensued because I was by that point overdue and in absolutely no mood for unwelcome house guests (and neither was H). My mum was incredibly nasty to me and said a great many things that now mean that I will never trust her or be close to her again. She was difficult anyway, but she made it clear that she thinks she is much more important than anything else and that I should just do what she wants all the time.

Her behaviour also made me very ill. I was having a horrible pregnancy and had been signed off work early and really, really did not need any more stress. But, my mum and sister clearly didn't (and don't) care about anyone other than themselves. They've made it clear that they are only interested in me insofar as they can get access to my children. Ironically, this means they get almost no access to my children because H and I don't want to see them.

H threw them out of the house and they went to stay at a local hotel. They then insisted on making sure that I got no time to spend with DS1 at all before DS2 arrived (and both H and I were too exhausted to fight). Poor DS1 felt he had to go with the too, but I know he wanted to just curl up with me and watch DVDs etc. Then, when I finally went in to labour, my mum (who was supposed to be looking after DS1 while H and I were at the hospital) wouldn't answer her phone so we had to call the PILs who drove up to us so that we could go to hospital. My waters has broken but the hospital sent me home because labour wasn't progressing with instructions about having to return by a certain time the next day. My mum came to the house that morning and went absolutely mental (actual screaming fit) when she saw FIL in the house.

After 36 hours in labour, I had DS2 and they forced me to stay in hospital over night because he was an instrumental delivery (although their doing so actually prevented me from getting any pain killers and delayed DS2 seeing a doctor by 24 hours because I had to be in the worst maternity unit in the country). Once I came home and was settled, my mum and sister visited to see DS2 for about 10 minutes and then left (having barely acknowledged either H or I).

The experience (as you'd expect) very much colours the relationship that I have with my family now. I absolutely keep them at arms length (indeed, H and I are having serious problems but there is absolutely no way I'd mention anything about it to my family; I probably wouldn't tell them directly if we got divorced). H loathes my mother (who essentially tried to make the birth of his child all about her and made everyone really miserable). The PILs think she's completely unhinged too (which is fair enough). My mum seems to think that her and my sister are 'all I've got', but frankly I'd rather having nothing than people who are perfectly happy to do me and my family great damage. I had to cut my dad out after DS1 was born as I didn't want his even more toxic influence, but I've had to accept that my entire family is toxic and contact with any of them should be minimised.

My sister is now pregnant and I hope she has as horrible a pregnancy and broth experience as she and my mother gave me. Not that she's learn any lessons from that.

I'm assuming that your PILs are not awful people, but unwanted house guests at the end of pregnancy/with a newborn are a recipe for disaster.

[claudedebussy]

you will resent your dh and them for YEARS. it will take a hell of a lot to repair the damage that those weeks will cause.

this is precious time - you can't ever get it back.

i gotta stop posting because my blood pressure is getting too high.

[DontmindifIdo]

Another option if they won't pay out for accommodation is to say they put the building work on hold for a month until bil and sil can have them, staying with you is not an option.

[LadyPessaryPam]

olgaga The dog can stay with your parents? How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?

^^ Yes this, tell your 'D'H to choose.

[MissPants]

YANBU. My FIL came to stay with us the day after I got out of hospital with DS2, I love FIL dearly but it made me feel uncomfortable, however I agreed. He then announced he was bringing his 14 year old step grandson. I was totally horrified! Told DH in no uncertain terms that I was not happy and he would have to explain it just wasn't appropriate. However he "forgot" and dropped the bombshell when they had already set off.

I will never ever forget having to sneak downstairs past an unrelated teenage boy with a mattress sized pad rolled up on my sleeve to take to the bin, or trying for a post natal poo hearing them both shuffling about in the bedroom next door

It was horrible, and it ruined my first few days at home with DS. The resentment is still there nearly a year later, the feeling that nobody gave a damn how I felt about it and just steamrollered over my feelings and right to bleed, leak and poo privately.

I won't forgive DH for being such a wimp in a hurry!

Tell your DH that you like his idea of sending the dog to your DM so much that you think you will join him. Take the dog and have a holiday yourself!

[livinginwonderland]

yanbu at all, but it's probably something you're just going to have to do anyway. set up strict rules and ask DH for help when it comes to enforcing them (so if something happens when he is at work, you can speak to him and be assured that he'll talk to his DP's).

it's probably won't be easy, but you might find it's nice have some help before the end of your pregnancy - someone to run around and do basic errands and to watch DD if you have appointments or anything like that.

[curiousgeorgie]

Arbitrary that is awful :(

We don't actually have the sports package... We would have to get it! We had it for a whole month after having to buy it so PIL would babysit DD while we saw my brothers play.

They actually don't have anyone else to stay with, BIL and SIL were all for them staying, no particular dates in mind just yes yes yes!

[FryOneFatManic]

livinginwonderland I seriously doubt the OP will get much help from the PIL, by her descriptions earlier.

[claudedebussy]

you know, going to stay with your mum is not on either.

you'll have just moved house. you won't want your pil mucking up your new house. it's just not on.

and now i've really got to back away. my blood pressure is up and my pmt is kicking in early too.

[AThingInYourLife]

You do not have to do this.

This is your home.

You have an absolute veto on guests.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

Don't let this happen

You will resent them and possibly your husband forever. You should spell that out to him

The time around a birth of a child is special, it's important. You are important, don't let them ruin this for you, you will remember it forever. How often do we see on here that inconsiderate behaviour at times like this leads to lifelong resentments and problems?

By saying no you are actually preventing problems and doing your il's a favour because this has the potential to really fuck up family relations

And yes as someone else said, shame on your DH

[2rebecca]

I'd suggest they go on holiday for June and July or hire a caravan somewhere nice for a couple of months. If they can't afford to live elsewhere for a couple of months they should have thought about this earlier. They obviously didn't ask your SIL about this either otherwise she wouldn't have arranged for her mother to come then as that doesn't sound like a last minute emergency plan, if they had agreed to have the inlaws then they would have rearranged everything else.
The timing of your baby is non-negotiable.
I'd say no to people staying (especially such unhelpfulpeople staying. ) If my husband made a fuss I'd be taking myself off to my parents' or a siblings until they were gone.
This shouldn't be your problem to sort out. You just say no because you are having a baby in the same way SIL said no because she wanted her mother to stay.

[AThingInYourLife]

You would "have to" pay for an expensive sports TV package so the stupid bastard who is imposing on you can sit around with the TV on all day in a house with a toddler?!



No!

You don't have to do anything of the kind.

Where are your boundaries?

[Headagainstwall]

If the extra work on their house - landscaping & steps - is outside, why can't they move back in their house?

[ArbitraryUsername]

Why should you buy a sky sports package just so your PILs can stay with you? That's ludicrous.

I should add, that my (lovely) PILs slept on the sofa bed the first night and the MIL transferred to a local hotel (a different one from where my mother was) because she didn't want to inconvenience us. And presumably she wanted some personal space. She was lovely and not pushy and just wanted to help us in any way we needed. FIL had to go back for work, but MIL wanted to stay so she could see DS2 and support us (given that my mother had already proved herself nasty and unreliable).

[DeepRedBetty]

Another yanbu from me. Loads of good potential solutions up thread, one of them must work. My own preference is buy/hire a caravan and lurk on their own drive for duration.

Caravans do have resale value, buy and sell on at the end might be quite a cheap way to do it. A couple of friends of mine did this, with a motor home, took it for a holiday afterwards too, and sold it for exactly the same as they'd paid for it.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

You had to buy Sky shitting sports just to get them to babysit?

Tell em to fuck right off, right now, the fucking cheek of it.