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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
TrucksAndDinosaurs · 15/03/2013 19:24

Well done OP and MN collective vipers.

INeedThatForkOff · 15/03/2013 19:34

This has just made me think about how it'd be if PILs came and dumped themselves on us for a weekend, never mind two months, and never mind a new babu after a C Section:

MiL would faff around waiting on PiL. With the best will in the worlds she'd indulge DD who would have her wrapped around her little finger in no time. She'd constantly be washing up and wiping down - no real gripe with this but it does make me feel like my standards aren't good enough.

FiL would be a whole different kind of hell. He'd be rolling cigarettes in the house and popping outside to hang around my washing smoking then every five minutes, despite DH categorically telling him he wasn't to be around the newborn stinking of smoke. He'd spend the rest of the time sat on his arse watching crap TV / snoring snoozing (with TV on) / badgering DH about DIY he should be doing (while on paternity leave) / moaning about his new boiler to all my visitors / pestering me while I tried to BF or nap / belching / slapping his chops and slurping his tea / insisting that everyone conforms to his very limited tastes at dinner (definitely no garlic) etc etc etc.

And I'm not even speaking from experience - this is just based on brief visits.

Nonononononononononononono. No. NO!

Kiriwawa · 15/03/2013 20:34

Well done georgie - I hope you're proud of yourself. You should be :)

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 20:46

Well done. I cant wait to hear where he says his parents WONT be staying. Thumbs up.

Sugarice · 15/03/2013 20:56

Excellent email OP, hope it works!

Patchouli · 15/03/2013 21:18

Great e-mail. He's got to understand that.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 21:20

Okay, he said to his mum that it might not be the best idea to stay. Focused massively on the dog situation, and how we have to be so careful about how we introduce him and the baby and how much I would miss him if he wasn't around... Obviously I got all of this from him but didn't actually hear the phone call so loose wording but apparently said 'if you can try and find somewhere else to stay, we'd really appreciate it.'

MIL is concerned now that she won't get to see the baby and it will be all about my mum. She was looking forward to helping me and now she'll only be an occasional visitor. DH said that my parents work full time (which PIL don't) and that the only time they'll book off is the time I'm in hospital so they can look after my Dog and DD. MIL said it would be easier on DD if PIL were staying at our house so she would be able to sleep in her own bed etc... and DH said he'd talk to me about that. (DD is a brilliant sleeper and lived at my mums for part of her life in between selling last house and moving in here and is totally comfortable there, MIL would never enforce bedtime if DD wanted 'cuddles & reading' and the last thing I want is her totally out of routine when I bring DD2 home.)

They're worried about the whole thing and will 'have a think about it.'

So the seed is sown... But we're not quite there yet.

Meanwhile SIL finally got in touch with me, apologised that her phone was off yesterday and she only just got my text, and she'll just see me on Sunday because she, BIL & DNephew are at MIL's tonight... My ears will be on fire later ;)

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 15/03/2013 21:29

Well it's a start. Fingers crossed!

Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 21:32

You'll nearly there, on sunday just say, "I dont want people staying, i'll be fine with DH help.

clam · 15/03/2013 21:33

Hmm.... "Have a think about it?" What does that mean? That they will think about whether they will "decide" to come or not? Like it's their decision?
And we've got your mum being brought up again. "It will all be about your mum" I think I'd be asking your dh what the hell that's all about.

Bicnod · 15/03/2013 21:33

Your MIL sounds unbelievably spoilt and self absorbed.

So sorry you're having to deal with this shit Sad

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 21:36

They really seem to have a massive issue with my mum which is really upsetting as she's amazing.

I do think this will all be okay eventually with a bit more of a forcefull no from DH, but I'll never forget that. She's so inclusive of them, I'd hate for her to know about all their bitching.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 21:37

I'd have a serious chat to MIL, that you dont appreciate the comments, and they are to stop.

saintlyjimjams · 15/03/2013 21:37

THey can think about it as much as they like they're still not staying!

selsigfach · 15/03/2013 21:39

Oh for fuck's sake. She doesn't want to be an occasional visitor but wants to play dollies and win the I'm-the-most-important-grandma game. This isn't all about her!!
Husband shouldn't be wheedling "If you can try and find somewhere else", he needs to say he's sorry that his brother presumed they could stay with you but this is absolutely out of the question and that this is not up for discussion.
I'm so annoyed for you.

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 21:40

Well done georgie for getting things started.

However, I really thought your DH would step up and tell it like it is to his parents! I know it's a start, but I don't understand why he didn't just say to his DM that 'sorry if your feelings are hurt, but this is not about you. This is about my wife and family'

When she started going on about being an occasional visitor- but that's what she'll always be. It's not as if your mum is going to be staying with you. Even if your mum was, she's YOUR mum.

I really do hope this ends as it should and your PIL's don't come and stay (because they are finally told by DH that they are NOT welcome)

Hang in there

Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 21:41

Arent your parents occasional visitors too, i'd have serious words with MIL, she needs knocking down to earth.

AgentZigzag · 15/03/2013 21:41

You're MIL is hardly going the right way about it if she wants to see the new baby more.

Not having enough gumption to see how inappropriate it would be to impose on you at such a time for so long, as well as making it into a contest between her and your mum as to who sees the baby the most, is only going to push you away.

Why can't they see that?

If your DH did say it in a roundabout way, don't be too hard on him, it's a bit of a compromise, same outcome, but there's a relationship with them afterwards instead of the fallout from WWIII.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 21:44

I'm being nice to DH... I know he's going to sort this out it's just going to take more than one phone call I think... But it's going the right way, now I can look forward to it all again :) hopefully!!

OP posts:
KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 21:48

I must say, I'm annoyed for you too. I do wish your DH would just say "Look, you'll be visiting from day to day, curious's mother will be visiting from day to day, we love both you and curious's mother equally, but no one is staying in the house with us. This is not b/c we don't love you, it's b/c it's a terrible time to have anyone staying with us. Please stop making us feel bad about doing what is best for us."

More importantly though, has your DH's attitude about all this changed such that he's on your side now? I hope so.

INeverSaidThat · 15/03/2013 21:49

I think it is a good thing if this can be smoothed over without a huge falling out. It is not the time for family dramas. The OP's DH is trying to stop his parents feelings getting hurt. That is OK isn't it?

The in-laws do sound pretty awful and the fact the MIL is going on about the OP's Mum is pathetic. Sad. However, huge family aguments are really hideous too.
The main thing is that the InLaws wont be staying at the OP's hopefully

DontmindifIdo · 15/03/2013 21:50

Well done! Now on Sunday when you see them at the party, you need a little tactical pregnancy brain, its all sorted, right? So say to mil that dh said he'd talked to her and how glad you are it's all sorted with no bad feeling, that of course they'd be welcome another time but gosh, these men don't always get that when you've just had a baby would be a terrible time for house guests, have they found a short term let yet? It's so great she understands, terrible idea wasn't it? Only a group of men could think it was anything other than insane... Wink

AgentZigzag · 15/03/2013 21:51

Could your DH have just backed himself into a corner and didn't know what to do for the best?

It's inexcusable for him to have focused the easiest target when you're at a potentially vulnerable time, but if he's not an arse for the majority of the time and is backing down now, that says a lot about him.

A total and utter arse would never back down and would stick the knife in and twist it a bit, if he's with his parents a lot and has obviously been brought up by them, they'll have their own subtle ways of manipulating him into doing what they want him to, without him even noticing they're doing it.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 21:52

Yeah, DH seriously didn't see my side or how strongly I felt about it but he does seem to now, he's being lovely and apologetic Wink I got dinner cooked and told we can go buy baby stuff tomorrow :)

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 21:52

Dontmindifido - that's a brilliant idea!

OP posts:
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