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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
cornypony · 15/03/2013 21:52

Well done op - you are handling this really well. MIL sounds very self-absorbed.

Loulybelle · 15/03/2013 21:53

Georgie, i think you stating that your unwilling to marry him until he mans up was a good kick up the bum, knowing what he could lose might have been fire enough to realise how you felt.

narmada · 15/03/2013 21:55

Your DH will have spent a lifetime pussyfooting around this drama queen and pandering to her neediness. It's going to be hard changing that approach, but change he must.

Of course they resent your wonderful mum. MIL will know deep down she is not as good at the parenting lark as your DM (sounds like MIL doesn't really do selfless or magnanimous) and will therefore be brewing with jealousy and inadequacy.

Well, there's my pop psychology twopenneth. Don't be too nice to DH. He needs a mahoosive shove to get him out of his normal modus opperandi.

WoTmania · 15/03/2013 21:59

Very glad it's all getting sorted and that DH is back onside and has got his priorities straight

pompompom · 15/03/2013 22:02

DontmindifIdo is a genius.

JedwardScissorhands · 15/03/2013 22:07

It sounds as though this was never really about needing to stay with you and was about MIL wanting to move in with the new baby and take the grandma prize. Her response gives no hint of having nowhere to go, focusing only on not being able to 'help'.

Maryz · 15/03/2013 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

someoftheabove · 15/03/2013 22:08

Georgie, sounds like you're on your way to sorting this out - very pleased for you. Just wanted to say, though, while it's nice that you and DH are going out to buy baby stuff, it needs buying; it's not your treat!

INeverSaidThat · 15/03/2013 22:09

I really like DontMindIfiDos plan too.

tollyandfeste · 15/03/2013 22:13

Dontmindifido to definitely a genius. Please can you come and life CIA h me Wink

Curious, I have been following this thread from the start. I am so happy for you. My DH (who is lovely) is totally the same with his mum. Is v sadly lost a baby when he was a toddler and he therefore sees it as his duty to ensure nothing or no one ever upsets her again.... Tricky.

Anyway so happy your lovely DH has seen the light and you can enjoy new baby time in peace and as a family. It's hard but try not to obsess over them bitching about your parents. It is out if order, but I think now you have put your foot down and DH has come over to your side, best to keep him there. Try and focus on bigger picture! Wink

tollyandfeste · 15/03/2013 22:14

Sorry so many typos. Fat fingers + iPhone = Confused

AgentZigzag · 15/03/2013 22:19

I missed Dontminds post, agree, it's genius.

happyAvocado · 15/03/2013 22:24

DontmindifIdo is a genius, that's agreed :)

AllOverIt · 15/03/2013 22:26

Glad to see that things are on the way to being sorted. Brilliant Smile

saffronwblue · 15/03/2013 22:30

Gosh this has struck a raw nerve with so many of us, hasn't it? I wasn't in OP's situation but had many times when I felt invaded by ILs post birth and DH did not stand up for me. Because he thinks they are lovely and loves being with them, he could not see how their undermining comments and selfishness did my head in.
Well done OP. We are all behind you!

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 22:40

DontmindifIdo is a genius!

thezebrawearspurple · 15/03/2013 23:23

Shocking how they think that thinking about it is even an option when they have been told no!

messalina · 16/03/2013 00:33

Have read all 28 pages of thread as got hooked with frustration on your behalf, OP. Glad that your DH is finally getting the point even if the excuse about the dog is a rather weak way of tackling the issue. I don't think MIL "having a think about it" is good enough and DH should have said, "there's no point thinking about it as it is not an option to stay." You should not compromise and agree to anything you weren't originally happy with. I think your BIL is really rude for slagging off your parents but guess that is par for the course in families. Obviously hurtful for you to hear that though. I would be really annoyed at him and SIL who seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill about her wedding but I don't think it is their responsibility either to host your PIL for that period of time. Bottom line is: 1. People who can afford to undertake major work to house should factor in temporary housing costs before embarking on project if they genuinely cannot stay in house. Or at the very least consult other people before inflicting themselves on anyone for two months. 2. MIL sounds like complete pain in backside. This competition to be top granny is so tiresome. I still resent my PIL for hanging around for two weeks before DD was born. She was overdue so they actually had to leave before she arrived but we saw them every single evening after work for over a fortnight. I missed out on quality time with DH just before we became parents. I had no clue when they were leaving until they actually arrived so spent ages in complete state worrying they would be around for a whole month. And they didn't even stay at our house. That episode (all driven by over excitement of PIL at meeting grandchild - wasn't even their first, it was for my parents who were also far away and felt very offended that PIL were "coming to help" ) at no point did PIL ask us if their presence would be useful. At no point did they consider I had a mother too who could help. That episode changed the way I see them. I used to really like them. Now I am less keen. I know it might be childish of me to resent this several years on but it caused me so much stress and I still have not forgiven them and I am a pretty forgiving person most of the time. Really hope this gets sorted out properly! Fingers crossed.

AThingInYourLife · 16/03/2013 01:16

They'll "think about it"?!

Shock

What awful, awful people.

I guess they had better get used to feeling left out and offended.

That tends to be the outcome when you are an objectionable cunt.

Iteotwawki · 16/03/2013 04:26

The problem with wanting to win the Grandma Medal and get one over on the Other Grandma is that the more you push and push to be the most involved, the more your family will back away.

Sadly my MiL never worked this one out (and it's not even as if there's another grandmother for her to compete with, my own DM died before my boys were born - a fact she reminded me of quite merrily during her last strop). The upshot of it all is that she's unlikely ever to see my children again.

Why do people turn family into competition?

tangerinefeathers · 16/03/2013 04:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnyperson · 16/03/2013 06:52

This is all so one sided that I want to put the other side ( I am not MIL and I dont know the family)

OP is going to need help and after 2 weeks her DH will be working.

I think it is entirely possible that MIL wants to help and is capable of helping. She knows that OP's mum can't help because she'll be looking after her own school age children.
Help doesn't mean that MIL is going to take over the baby. Help means that MIL is going to look after DH and the 2 year old and the dog and FIL and help unpack in the new bigger house that OP is moving into while OP looks after the baby.

One solution is for OP to ask PIL to come over when DH is back at work (ie after 2 weeks). I agree they dont need to live with OP but think it more convenient if they do (even if their house wasn't being renovated). So what if they see OP in her pyjamas: they are about to be family.

Iteotwawki · 16/03/2013 07:04

But suppose the OP doesn't want this help? Suppose she wants to unpack her own things herself? Or look after her 2 year old herself? Why should she have this help foisted on her if she doesn't actually want it?

I would be beyond uncomfortable (in my own home!) if my FiL saw me in my nightie. He's far more family than MiL is. Why should anyone be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home?

As regards unpacking, in a new house I would hate anyone else doing it. I like to decide where things live in my kitchen.

OP has a husband to assist overnight during his time off. She can have lots of help (if she wants it) from MiL visiting the odd few hours periodically. She doesn't want her there 24/7.

The reason this is so one sided is that to anyone who isn't a loon, it really only has one reasonable side!

NigellaTufnel · 16/03/2013 07:13

OP - a word of warning though, since you DH wimped put of telling them they could not stay, they may co e back with a 'compromise'. Maybe something along the lines that they only turn up once the baby is born, or they leave after a week, or anything.

Then they can paint you as the unreasonable one as they tried to be flexible. And you DH might say, "oh they are trying." and then you will be under even more pressure.

The next time DH talk to them he has to make it clear that this is not a negotiation. You and him were not asked and if you were would say no.

Funnyperson - if the OP has a caring husband she will not need this outside help.
You are putting the PIL's feeling above those of a new mother. And although I'm sure it will be fine, her mentally well being and her relationships with her DH and her DDs could be seriously undermined by this. It seems a no brainier to most of us.

  1. OP has privacy and the most precious time with her new family, which is beyond measure
  2. Her PIL move in for their convenience and OP has the stress of people she does not want when she is trying to forge her new family.

You'd go for 2? really?

Blu · 16/03/2013 07:13

Funny, that all sounds great, but I think you have been reading a thread about rather different ILs. This one won't be unpacking, he'll be watching Sky sports news.

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