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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
shrimponastick · 15/03/2013 12:08

This has been on my mind for ages. I posted early yesterday and still can't get believe the cheek and insensitivity of the ILs? , and, in part your DP.
Be strong OP. Be blunt. Be downright rude. But you must make it clear that this situation will NOT be happening.

Shall we all come round to back you up ? Grin

Whocansay · 15/03/2013 12:17

Your DH is a spineless wanker. HE is causing you stress, but chooses to blame your hormones and his SIL.

If he won't take your part in something as important as this, he never will. For the love of God don't make your marriage legal.

Sorry OP, but this made me really cross. I can't belive that he's being so selfish but is trying to blame you.

youmaycallmeSSP · 15/03/2013 12:26

YANBU at all. I'm sorry that your DH, who should be your number 1 advocate here, is putting you through this stress.

xigris · 15/03/2013 12:32

You are most definitely not "spineless' Georgie. That was cruel and unnecessary Pessary. Shock. I'm quite a strong character but not when I'm pregnant and also often not when it comes to family. I empathise hugely with you Georgie. I'm sending you lots of virtual support and Brew. This is a very unfair situation you've be forced into Sad. Although I do think your DH needs to back you up, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him as it sounds like he's also being steamrollered by his selfish parents. That said, you and your DD / baby must be his priority. Maybe you should write something into your wedding vows? Eg "forsaking all others (including in laws who want to foister themselves on us and their bloody sky sports, so that they have their house remodelled, at possibly the most inconvenient time ever) until death do us part". Best of luck OP. Thanks

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 12:43

You are not worrying over nothing. You are worrying because

  1. You know yourself. You know what your body is like after giving birth. You know what your boobs are like, and your sore bits. You know you will be leaking from all possible body parts aside from perhaps your ears.
  1. You know his parents. You know they are not going to be helpful. You know TV will be hogged by your FIL and the baby and dd hogged by your MIL. You you know you have to play hostess instead of recovering.
  1. You know him. You know that your husband has little regard for your feelings and you know that he will value his parents opinions and needs above yours. You know that he lacks empathy.

Of course you are not worrying over nothing because you are "pregnant and a hormonal mess". How insulting.

nilbyname · 15/03/2013 12:54

op How is it going?

Hope you get it sorted xx

idococktailshedoesbeer · 15/03/2013 13:01

You are completely in the right on this one, stand firm. If your DH won't do it, which he absolutely should, then you need to tell your PILs they cannot stay, not up for discussion, it's a no. One highly awkward conversation is better than a month, or most probably a few months, of hell. You are having their grandchild, they won't want to fall out with you.

LadyPessaryPam · 15/03/2013 13:09

How many posts does the OP need to convince her to stand up for herself?

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 15/03/2013 13:11

She is already standing up for herself, as demonstrated by her emails and conversations with her OH. The messages are continued messages of support, because she is doing her bloody best with a difficult situation. The 'convincing', I believe, happened on page 1.

Lancelottie · 15/03/2013 13:12

So, house move comes third in the stress stakes after death and divorce, isn't that right?

I think if my (lovely) inlaws moved in just after we'd moved house, death and divorce would probably shortly be on the cards.

That patio they're renovating... hmmmm, opportunities there?

peeriebear · 15/03/2013 13:20

Another big fat NO from me. The reply from your husband is so patronising it may as well have come with a pat on the head. He is effectively saying your opinion counts for nothing because you're pregnant therefore not of sound mind. Angry

Sugarice · 15/03/2013 13:30

Pessary she is standing up for herself!

She's told dh they're not staying but he is being wimpish and bullied by his brother the way I see it.

Her battle is probably going to be keeping the door shut while they attempt to weedle their way in unless her dh listens to her and tells PiL to find alternative lodgings.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 15/03/2013 14:18

My blood is boiling. NO NO NO NO NO!

Springdiva · 15/03/2013 15:07

The response here shows how important privacy and time with new baby is felt to be by MN mums.

Funny this should have passed MIL and SIL by Hmm.

soundevenfruity · 15/03/2013 15:16

It's one of those threads where I go: OMG, OMG, OMG, why didn't I have a girl, it's going to be meeee....

digerd · 15/03/2013 15:18

Missed on purpose for their own purpose. Selfish, unsympathetic people as they are. Cowardly with regards to DH.

soundevenfruity · 15/03/2013 15:31

funnyperson, I could've hugged you. The thing is people tend to choose a partner with a similar kind of family so some couples have 2 disfunctional families to deal with, without any positive attitude.

VikingLady · 15/03/2013 15:37

Here is a good site for temporary, cheap yet nice lets. They could be property guardians. Not up to you to sort it, I know, but an idea?

whitemonkey · 15/03/2013 16:23

If he does argue that your hormones are making you irrational, you should tell him, that's the point! If you are hormonal now ask him how he imagines you will be after the baby has arrived.
Under no circumstances let them stay.

MummytoMog · 15/03/2013 16:28

OMFG. The very thought of having my in laws to stay for that long makes me feel physically sick.

MamaMary · 15/03/2013 16:47

Just read the thread in disbelief.

OP, this is the stuff of nightmares.

Do not compromise. Do not give in. They are not coming to stay.

I cannot for the life of me imagine how your inlaws think this is a reasonable thing to do. I would not DREAM of doing this to my nearest and dearest. I am trying to imagine the circumstances whereby it might be unavoidable: perhaps if there was a fire or flood at their home and they were suddenly homeless and had nowhere else to go... But because they're spending thousands of pounds on renovating their home and they want a place to crash for months while the work's going on? No way. And why are you overseeing the work anyway??

The fact that you weren't even consulted about this and it was presented as a fait accompli beggars belief. That is a huge lack of respect from all these people, including your DH. Do you and your DH normally discuss things before making big decisions? And the fact that he's now belittling your concerns is a bit of a red flag.

WoTmania · 15/03/2013 16:49

soundevenfruity - I would suggest that this won't be you unless you are planning on trying to invade a future DIL's house jsut before she is due to have a baby by CS, try to 'have your turn with the baby and insist on sky sports for your DH while doing nothing around the hosue to help out

Skinnydecafflatte · 15/03/2013 16:55

Alright I have had enough of this!

I am quite a tough cookie I think usually, and do think that a lot of people are sometimes a bit wussy and should just suck it up and stop moaning, things arent usually that bad. I also had a c-section with my first and am currently expecting DC2 so can identify with the situation

BUT...

  1. I hurt a lot after my csection and would not have been able to pop upstairs easily to get a bit of quiet time.
  2. There is a two year old girl who needs to be entertained and my bedroom is not a fun place for a two year old.
  3. I needed to lie down a lot as it was the most comfortable position. I would not want to lie on a sofa with the PIL's staring at me, no doubt passing judgement
  4. I bleed a lot and had to use the downstairs toilet as I could not easily get to upstairs one. I wanted to have towels to hand not be embarrassed and hide them to spare FIL's blushes. Same with upstairs toilet.
  5. I found it very hard to bf and ended up FF so an important part of bonding for me was lying on the sofa doing skin to skin which I would only do in the presence of DH. Again to have to drag myself upstairs to do this would have hurt and not forgetting DC1 to consider
  6. I would not want sky sports on all day every day. My PIL's commandeer the tv when they come to stay and I have to watch endless soaps. I end up leaving the room as it does my head in. I want to watch what I want to watch!
  7. Why is SIL allowed to say no but Georgie isn't?
  8. I want time with my DH so we can all bond as a family.
  9. Who is going to cater for 4 adults and one child everyday? And who is going to do the shopping as I would not be able to go.
10. If I had a bad night with DC1 then I would lay in in the morning, this meant a shower had to fit in later in the day. Until that point I would want to walk around the house in my pj's and yes I didn't care that my unharnessed boobs were hanging around my ankles. 11. I could not manage house work and didn't care. I don't want visitors adding to this. 12. My MIL is mostly ok but I know an offer of help would then result in 'where would I find, how much should I, how do you....' Etc resulting in me wanted to say don't bother. 13. There is no way I would want to worry about what my DC1 is up to for fear of being too noisy for her grandad, it's her house and she can play with what she wants and if she wants to watch cbeebies all day then she can, she has had a major upheaval in her life. 14. I welcomed friends to visit to meet DC1 and would want the same this time. I don't want to have to consider other house guests in when people visit me in my own home. 15. There is plenty of time to reschedule the building works, either put them off completely until after the wedding or change the dates so the period where they would be homeless is not around the child being born. Alternatively organise the party after the wedding in a venue outside of the PIL's home. I am sure that with careful planning they could really reduce the time where they should be out the house. 16. A new baby causes a lot of mess and washing. I want to be able to chuck things in the wash when I need to not work around someone else using the machine too 17. The late stages of pregnancy I needed a nap most afternoons, this time round I am planning putting dc1 on the sofa with a film and me on the other napping, how can this happen with PIL around?

This is a very jumbled list but I am trying to pull together my thoughts and those of the gazillion other MN's on here also agree it is a really bad idea for them to move in. It is putting my blood pressure up just thinking about it. My PIL stayed for eight days at Christmas and that drove me up the wall so four weeks minimum at the last stages of pregnancy and new born stages would make me suicidal.

Right I'm off to calm down, OP I really hope this gets sorted for you.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 17:29

Hi everyone, wow thanks so much mostly everyone for your support!

Not too much to report at the moment I'm afraid, DH has been at work all day and we didn't speak this morning as DD let me sleep in till 7.30 and DH left at 7...

I emailed him about an our ago just to clarify that I'm not having this, I feel knackered today and that was just after one nights argument and worry so I'm not panning on having this drag out much longer.

My 'wedding' dress came today and its beautiful, and fits the bump and I feel great in it. But what a shame I won't get a chance to wear it as there's not a chance in hell of me legally tying myself to a family that have absolutely no concern for my well being, or the well being of us as a family. I'm seriously telling you to ring your mum and end this now or I won't be at xxxxx Sunday or anywhere else. Its pouring so I'll pick you up from the station (because i'm a kind person who thinks of others!!!) and when I do I expect you to tell me that they are clear on where they will NOT be staying.

Honestly baby, I can't have them here, I'm worried how 'DD's name' will react as it is, I'm worried for my health, I'm going to want to get out of bed and feed the baby wherever I want to sit and not worry about getting dressed or where your parents are! I'm not just worried because I'm pregnant, I'm worried because its a ridiulous situation and I am so pissed at 'BIL's name' for trying to ruin this for us I could actually f**king kill him.

I'm taking 'DD' to xxxx so I'll just see you later and I really will not have this all weekend. X

I've changed a couple of bits for my anonymity ( as if, this is the most identifiable thread ever! Wink ) but I'm picking him up at 6.45 and Im hoping that will be an end to it.

And skinnydecaflatte - number 17 on your thread is my absolute favourite thing to do at the moment, I need it and I'm not even 7 months pregnant yet! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 17:31

And if all else fails (which I'm hoping it won't)... My mum is poised to ring PIL and sort this out, though I haven't told her about the apparent hatred!

OP posts: