To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

waiting for next update with bated breath!!

Bloody hell!

Stay strong. Just say no. Loudly and often. They will talk about this at the party, just look suprised and say to them "What? You mean DH hasn't told you? We both decided there was too much going on to have extended visitors at such an important time." If they query it, just say "I thought he must have forgotten" Then walk away

Best of luck op. shitty behaviour around the birth of ds has completely destroyed my relationship with my family. If dh had been on their side and not mine I feel it would have completely damaged our relationship too.

All these people are saying their wants are more important than your needs/ wants and that is simply not true. It couldn't possibly be.

Everyone is being thought about except you!
SIL wants her mum
PIL need somewhere free to stay
DH wants his parents there so they can spend time with the baby.

Well tell them all to F off.

You are having a baby and your needs come first. I've had 2 Cs and whilst I made great recoveries it IS a major operation. You need peace, calmness and tranquility. Not your sodding PIL staying with you for month.

And I do think that if hey can afford all these home improvements they can jolly well afford to pay to stay somewhere for a month. I expect their main concern isn't the expense but the fact they won't be able to have Sky Sports on all day.

Excuse typos!

Bloody hell, if my dh patronised me like that after all this, he'd be hurting and my frying pan would be dented.

I love you so start acting like it
I think you're worrying over nothing but I don't think it is nothing and my feelings matter too
because you're pregnant glad you noticed, start looking after me
it will all be fine because they won't be coming
you're causing yourself stress no, you're the one doing that
its not good no, it isn't, so make it stop

Phone your MIL now, get it sorted (or get your Mum round there today).

If they gang up on you at the weekend, pick up your dd, ask sweetly if any of them are hoping to see your baby once it's born, and leave without another word. Go home, lock the door from the inside and don't let dh in until he grovels.

Please don't be afraid of having an almighty row with them all. They really need to see that you're not a doormat, before you have the baby.

Gosh - horrid situation to be stuck in. I know that "no" is a complete sentence and all that but life's not really that easy.
What I don't get is that your DH, who presumably knows his parents and his fathers predilection for all day Sky Sports viewing, thinks that his parents won't drive him FFING INSANE after a few weeks, and he'll have a legitimate excuse to hid himself away to work and then to return to work. I'd be surprised if after two weeks paternity leave, the working from home thing is suddenly unworkable because there are two many people in the house. Plus if he is managing the build he's going to be managing it 24/7 as his parents are going to be constantly quizzing him about it.

On the upside, if builders were in taking my house apart I'd be spending every waking hour there and just crashing somewhere clean and tidy so you may find that they aren't actually around too much. They'll have to be off choosing tiles and all sorts won't they too? With any luck FIL can put his TV in a quiet unmolested corner of his house and watch sky/the builders all day.

This probably won't be seen as a helpful view by my fellow MNetter's but I would put some thought into what you need to say to your PIL's to make it an acceptable solution to you along the lines of
"We will be moving house and everything will be in boxes. Please arrive with your own bed linen and towels, nothing that can't be stored in your bedroom.
If you want cable tv (ie sports channels), please bring a tv, a comfy chair, and arrange for a temporary installation to your bedroom with the subscription and install switching back to your property when you leave." Don't budge on this as it sounds like it might be a deal breaker for your FIL.
"My parents work full time and last time they popped in and out to help me to do some laundry, brought some meals and ran the hoover around. It was v low key and very helpful as they never stayed too long. I'm quite nervous that with a toddler, a newborn, recovery from childbirth, a house move, a full-time job and your house renovation to manage that us all living together for possibly months could really strain our relationship and it's very important to me that you have a good relationship with your GDC's. I will want to spend time with my children and let the housework etc slide for a while so the prospect of houseguests are stressing me out. What do you (FIL and MIL) see as a solution given that there will be less living space in the new house?"

PIL may not have given the reality of living with two small children much thought so if it were me I would back off and use the party to sow that seed - "gosh, toddlers behave so badly when there's a new sibling' they mostly do, "better get your eye glass prescriptions checked - our house is a health hazard of lego most of the time"; bring your ear plugs", "I hope you like C-Beebies - do you know the Upsadaisy song?" Ha ha ha. You can usually rely on people around you to join in with their own anecdotal evidence.

I think you have to somehow get your dh to actually realise how things wil be for you afterwards. Has he forgotten his it was with the other dd?
Please stick to your guns and don't accept any compromises.
Mil was told very definitely that we didn't want overnight visitors to stay the night we came home.
We compromised in our excitement and said they could stay on Friday vist sat afternoon then go home leaving us to be alone with dds for the rest of the weekend.
What followed was the most astounding pieces of manipulation ever known.
Visited late. Left stuff at ours to give excuse to come back after visiting.
Lied to the mw who told them we probably needed some space and told her they would leave us in peace after seeing us home.
Spent ages packing up stuff before "realising" it was dinner time " we are hungry, can't drive back on empty tummy etc.
When offered a sand which or suggested stopping off at a restaurant mil was visibly fuming and started to get cross at dh who at this point looked as if he would collapse with stress.
I then got up told them to do what the fuck they liked and walked with dds in the dark 2 days after a section to my mates house in tears.
Went back a hour later to find them happily eating pizza on my settee watching tv and dh looking close to tears.
I will never forgive them for it and pretty much hate them.
Yes dh should have just lost it and booted them out but they really shouldn't have needed tht should they?
So remember no matter what you decide and they agree to it will never go the way you think.

Having read the updates, I can see a little bit where your DH is coming from, in the sense he doesn't want his parents to be hurt because none of their children will have them.

So it might be helpful to tell him you understand his diagnosis of the problem.

But where he is completely misguided is his solution to the problem. They cannot stay with you, end of. So this is really his brother's problem to solve.

He needs to understand how completely rude your SIL is being -- I mean, who invites people to stay and then decides to invite someone they want to see more???

Staying with you is not an option. So your BIL/SIL need to decide who is more important, his parents who need a place to live, or her mother who doesn't really need to come, especially for so long.

Hoping the birthday thing this weekend is a blessing in disguise as they will all see the reality of your implacable refusal to go along with this nonsense and be forced to rethink.

I actually wouldn't go to the family gathering on Sunday, unless your PIL have been told they cannot come to your house.
With this time limit it might make your Dh realise you are very serious and it needs to be sorted now.

OP, do you have any friends with v young kids (or better yet does your dh have any friends with v young kids) who could back you up on this - other people saying the same thing might help him see that you're not being pregnant and hormonal.

Also, does he actually understand that a ceserean is major abdominal surgery? I would spell that out to him in explicit terms.

Alternatively, can you go to your doctor/midwife, and get them to give you an emphatic no...

one solution to the problem would be to put of the building work and it start 6 weeks after the baby is born.

At the moment you are going to be moving house, overseeing a building site and having people to stay - that would be enough but you want to give birth by c section as well

So something will have to give and that may be the house renovations and building site overseeing - which if pushed back to August/september - when generally the weather is better - then the IL can come and stay and help out and not be interfering with bonding time etc and pushing extras onto you and your dh.

Of course then by pushing the timing of the building back both you and your BIL could share the guests staying as SIL mother will have gone home.

Oh and the builders will move backwards as they are being paid and there are plenty of jobs coming in at easter as people decide not to move but extend.

It must be tricky for your dh as he doesn't want to upset his parents. But they have decided to have this renovation done when one of their children is getting married and one is having a new baby. It's just not a convenient time. Maybe they should not renovate and instead host a party elsewhere for bil/SIL wedding.

Tbh I feel sorry for your SIL too and can understand why she has done what she has (I would imagine her dm staying is just a ruse to prevent PIL from staying). But your BIL is being very unfair to just transfer the problem to you (especially by being rude and divisive about your parents).

If nothing else, I'd make sure that your DH knows that, judging from posters on here who've been put in similar situations (albeit for a much shorter time) relations between you and his parents are likely to be irreparably damaged if they insist on staying.

Is that really what he wants?

That's nice, pessarypam .

I think your DH is very good at subtly manipulating you curiousgeorgie. Did he get it from his PIL do you think? Except they don't seem very subtle come to think about it...

It won't just be the relationship with his parents that will be damaged if this goes ahead.

It will be his marriage.

pam, you need to grow a pair of specs and use them to read the op's posts

pessarypam stop being a twat. She feels pushed into things and is trying here. Comments like yours are unhelpful

SIL and BIL sound awful! They have stitched you right up OP.

OP, keep saying no. Kick up a fuss if needed. This is a spcial time, in YOUR life. I cannot imagine anything worse than what you are going through right now.

I read this thread this morning with DP and he agrees with all the above posts saying YANBU.

I hope to Dear God you get your way.

I hate confrontations, I feel sick and shaky and my heart pounds. FWIW my idiot XP had his stupid dickhead friends round when I was PG smoking weed and drinking, it did my frigging head in.

ZERO consideration.

You're marrying him legally in a couple of weeks and he's looking forward to it, yes? I'd be asking him how he thinks you can possibly go through with the wedding and get married to someone who won't put you first when you've just come out of hospital post surgery. That is a time in your life when you really need a husband to be supportive. As is pregnancy. How can he make those vows while at the same time being so dismissive of you and your feelings?
It would taint the day for me.

You are not spineless. This is a terrible situation. As I recall I was not at my most confident whilst heavily pregnant. You dont need this

I agree with quick. You should refuse to go to the birthday gathering until this has been sorted out properly. Tell your DH you are feeling much too upset and stressed to be able to celebrate anything.

If you were my daughter I would be phoning your PIL and telling them that unless they agree to make alternative arrangements immediately I will be helping you to cancel all their building work for them as it's causing too many problems but then I'm a stroppy cow much less tolerant than you, OP.