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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
Nagoo · 15/03/2013 09:13

Good luck OP.

This is not acceptable IMO, I really feel for you Thanks

INeverSaidThat · 15/03/2013 09:13

myroomisatip

Not only did MIL stay for the birth but she came for every.single.holiday after that! Start as you mean to go on.

Shock. I have a lovely MIL but that would still be terrible. You have my sympathies......

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:18

I had an emergency C section, my then partner only got a 5 days off work to be with me. After that i had no help, and i did just fine, both sets of GP's werent even in the country (silly me having a baby in the summer holidays). OP will do just fine, she doesnt need the TV hogger and the baby hogger, taking over her lounge, she needs space, privacy and serenity, with PIL's there, so not gonna happen.

KeatsiePie · 15/03/2013 09:19

Fair enough funny. And I admit, I've never had a C so I don't know much about what recovery would be like.

Also, I do agree with you that PILs and DH are not evil. I honestly think this is the DH's problem to solve. I get the SIL wanting her mother there (I know it's a bit over the top for SIL to "need" her mother for a month to plan the wedding, but a lot of mothers and daughters get very wrapped up in wedding planning, even if it's not a big extravaganza, but just b/c it's a special emotional time between them) and I imagine she also feels like she shouldn't have to give that opportunity up. If I could have had my mother local to me for a little while to help plan my wedding, I would have loved it; I was working 60+ hours a week and my husband was working away half the week and the wedding was out of town, so lots of stupid stress ensued and afterward I was sorry I hadn't gotten to have more fun with my mom and sister wrt. the planning. So I can see how SIL would have jumped at the chance. Sounds like she didn't handle the conflict of interests well, but we don't really know, as it's BIL who really fucked that problem up.

The problem as I see it is between OP's BIL and DH, as other posters have said. BIL should not have told the PILs that crap about OP's parents' selfishness and gotten them all wound up about staying with OP. And OP's DH should be pulling him up on that, and telling PILs another option must be found, such as an extended-stay hotel.

myroomisatip · 15/03/2013 09:20

INeverSaidThat Thank you :)

It could have been worse but it was the total lack of respect that pissed me off, not being consulted about it and having my wishes overridden.

Well. It has been a struggle but my 'D'H will soon be my Ex :)

FryOneFatManic · 15/03/2013 09:21

I love my MIL, but only in small doses, cos she starts to talk and doesn't draw breath. She does also drop in the odd dig about housework, but I can ignore that. There's no way I'd ever have had her staying after the DCs were born, even without the added stress of the house move that the OP has.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:22

Georgie that story from Myroomisatip is the reason you need to stick to your guns, it could effect your bonding with new baby, upset your DD and lead you to resent your husband.

FryOneFatManic · 15/03/2013 09:24

Greg You might have been fine after a CS. I was mostly fine, although I struggled to stand up straight for about 3-4 weeks. But a friend of mine had her 2nd DC by CS and it was NOT fine. She had an infected scar, and other, quite major problems meaning it was a couple of months before she felt anywhere near fine.

Please don't assume OP will be fine just because you were.

CruCru · 15/03/2013 09:29

This is ridiculous. Yes, speak with your midwife. And bring it up as an impractical idea at the weekend. Also, make it clear to your DH that you will do nothing to help if they do come.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:35

I werent fine though, Fry, i couldnt even sleep in my own bed, i couldnt stand up straight, even going to the loo was fine, i managed because i had too.

Im not assuming anything, im stating an argument against the fact that the OP MUST have help or she cant cope.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:36

going to the loo was a struggle*

ThatBintAgain · 15/03/2013 09:49

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

Tell your DH that. And he is being a massive arse, I'd have murdered him by now I think.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:51

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

How true lol.

FryOneFatManic · 15/03/2013 09:54

Greg I see your point. FWIW, I managed after mine (No paternity leave then) by mostly letting a lot of chores go, with DP doing the most urgent stuff when he got home from work.

But, it was my first DC, so it might have been much harder with a second, which is the OP's position.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 09:58

Yeah Fry but then thats what the DH is there for, he'll be there to help Georgie, i just imagine the PILs to be a hinderance, nothing to stop them popping over to take DD out for a while, but they really dont need to stay.

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/03/2013 10:07

Re "working from home", I find this less helpful than his going to work. The children don't really understand that he is there but not there IYSWIM and we have to protect his quiet/keep the phone line free, etc. It's nice for him that he can pop in for the odd coffee and lunch with us but it is all for his benefit not ours. OP please be careful that you aren't relying on this as extended paternity leave because it just isn't.

Kiriwawa · 15/03/2013 10:08

Anyone who would impose themselves on their heavily pregnant/post CS DIL for several months is a selfish twat, even if you leave the dog and moving house out of the equation.

The other thing no one has mentioned as far as I can see is that newborns quite often cry a lot during the night. DS had hideous colic and would cry for about 45 mins after each feed, fall asleep for 45 mins and then wake up again. They really want to be in the house while that sort of thing's going on? You're going to be getting up several times in the night to feed and do nappy changes and make cups of tea and stuff.

Your DH is also assuming that you and he and your baby will all be sleeping in one room. Wouldn't it be better if you can take it in turns to do the night feeds so you can get some sleep occasionally?

FryOneFatManic · 15/03/2013 10:13

Greg I think everyone agrees PIL shouldn't be staying Grin that's a no brainer. It really does seem as if the plan for them to stay is for their entertainment and convenience regardless of the fact that OP will have had major surgery.

WingDefence · 15/03/2013 10:14

I'm just adding my voice to the massive chorus of dissaproval at this crazy plan of your DH/PILs. So that you can do a proper statistical calculation that "99.999% of MNers agree with curiousgeorgie that this is a CRAZY and COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE situation".

Good luck OP Brew

Lampfamm · 15/03/2013 10:15

Just want to add to the almighty and resounding YANBU!
I would have been devastated if what you are describing had happened to me. Your first weeks/months with your new and tiny baby are precious. You might have to find within yourself a strength you didn't know you had when you go to the birthday party. Good luck. I wish you were my friend and I could help you in real life!

AThingInYourLife · 15/03/2013 10:18

I've been fine after all 3 of my sections.

But I was recovering from having my belly sliced open and having a baby pulled out of it.

I was bleeding, in pain, could not poo without great difficulty, could not walk far, could not stand up from lying down, on strong painkillers, unable to lift my baby out of her cot.

I could not have coped with having house guests, no matter who they were.

I needed privacy and calm and my husband to devote himself to looking after the family.

To expect to impose on someone in recovery from such a major operation is so beyond what is normal.

What can your husband be thinking of to ask you to have your home invaded by his parents when you will be so vulnerable and in need of his care?

lashingsofbingeinghere · 15/03/2013 10:29

YANBU

Your DP must know he has landed himself in a dire situation - hack off his family or hack off his DP. Make it as easy as possible for him to do what you want - don't harangue him (however tempting) but just carry on with all the very logical reasons why PIL staying this is a very bad idea for you and your little family. Repeat ad nauseam.

Ignore all the petty stuff about whose mum and dad got the best deal over the last baby (as if a new baby is a piece of territory to be parcelled out FGS).

Keep plugging on with all reasons you do not want PIL to stay.

Don't even suggest alternatives because this makes PIL's accommodation your problem to solve. It isn't.

Hopefully next time someone tries to dump their problem on you via your DP he will have learned that if you say no, you mean it.

Dubjackeen · 15/03/2013 10:35

No,no,no...stay strong,OP,this cannot happen. Hope you can get that through to all,especially your DH. I think the PILs haven't thought this through either. As others have pointed out, babies have a habit of crying,needing to be fed at regular intervals, etc. The PILs should definitely stay elsewhere, where he can watch tv...Wink. I cannot help wondering if the BIL will be living happily ever after when his MIL gets ensconced on her open-ended ticket. Grin
OP,all the very best,and I must say I have seldom seen such a resounding YANBU,so I will just add one more...YANBU.

ssd · 15/03/2013 10:38

you are absolutely doing the right thing op, stick to your guns!!

diddl · 15/03/2013 10:38

I had an easy 2nd birth but still didn't want my mum to come to stay & "help" as she intended.

I wanted to be able to slob about if I wanted/try some sort of routine if I wanted...

I didn't want to have to be making smalltalk if I didn't want to.

And I think with the best will in the world,even though I loved my mum dearly & we could chat for ages, I just didn't want somebody else in the house with me that you had to consider iyswim.