To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

The pils don't sound terribly bad. They sound older, haven't thought any of the realities of the situation through, out of touch with what pregnancy and birth entails, and just accepted what their adult sons have told them, that they will be looked after by the op and her dh. Ime the older generation tend to become more insular and think more of their needs/bubble as they age.

The OP's DH is the key to sorting this one out. The OP is doing all the right things. I think the suggestion of her getting the midwife to talk to DH is a really good one.

The pil can afford a b+b, of course they can. They probably think there is no need and don't even realise there's an issue.

Keep at it OP. Broken record. No compromise

Good plan dontmindifido.
Curious you have my full support, for what it's worth. I have read the whole thread and really feel for you.

How can your DH say it's just pregnancy hormones- you told him how you feel & he should respect that.
Stick to your guns, I can't believe your BIL "arranged" all this without you having a say.
Good luck with on Sunday. Xo

I can't believe any of them think that this is acceptable.
I wouldn't have my ILs stay for 8 months and I'm not having a baby.

But if ILs go to a nearby B&B-where are they going to want to spend the day??

Really, as soon as OP told her husband it wouldn't work, he should have realised & accepted it.

Can't understand why he is so determined for it to happen.

I agree. BIL rapidly caved in to SIL when she invited her mother. He could easily have said that her mum would have to be gone by x date because his parents are coming then. If it's an open ended ticket that's easier because SIL's mum can go back anytime.
Your husband should stick with you on this one and tell his brother it's a stupid idea and isn't going to happen and it's up to him and his parents to sort out housing if he's backing out of the deal but it's not your problem,

I'm not MIL
2 weeks working from home is not 2 weeks looking after OP it is 2 weeks working from home and DH will need to be doing that work. OP is wrong to think therefore he will be looking after her.

OK I hear that PIL are unhelpful bummers but I don't buy it. Maybe I just can't believe it. Anyway OP has to do whats safe for her and the children, not whats best for DH or PIL or, indeed, the 'little bubble' idea. I can see that this seems like a crunch time. Who is going to be boss in her own home, OP or PIL- that sort of thing- but real life isn't black and white like that.

Of course she isn't the only misguided one in the whole immature set up. DH probably thinks he will be watching sky sports and having cosy site visits to the pub with PIL and his mates. PIL and MIL are hoping they will be in on the baby act and get free food and lodging to boot. SIL is out of it. I'm glad its not my family. But I dont believe they are all as immature as that and I suspect it will be alright in the end with a little give and take. Those who say OP will resent this for life are setting the family up for failure. Whatever happens I hope no one will be so silly as to harbour resentment. They will look back and laugh at it.

Ugh, Georgie, your DH is a patronizing twat, and i suggest he can find somewhere to live too,

OP's DH, Your a real first class, selfish, patronizing, coward mumma boy, find you grip and learn to love your poor wife better.

Do you have children funny person? Your scenario sounds a bit lala

OP - my MIL came to 'help' after my 2nd section. We were selling our house. Lets just say she didn't after the third. I made it very clear that was not an option. (Nor did I need months of people around me to help out - not quite sure what planet funnyperson is on).

Your DH is in denial of your needs as he can't cope with the might of his family. So taking the easy way out and putting them them first and blaming you.
He is being a COWARD, but he will not change because he can't.

BIL put his wife- to- be first before his parents over something far less important than yours.

Keep it up, but if all fails go to stay with your parents as I see no other way.

I think this might be one to speak to your community midwife about. And make sure you cry. Then she can have a word with your DH and explain why this cannot happen. It is actually part of their role, because you getting upset and anxious is really not good. Neither is an unworkable living situation in the run up to and after the birth. There are health consequences to be considered here.

It doesn't matter that BIL and SIL have made his parents feel unwanted. Of course they were bloody unwanted. People don't generally want house guests for 3 months, especially not where they're difficult and unhelpful. That doesn't mean that you have to have them.

They can rent a short let and come and visit. That is best for everyone.

(As an aside, BIL and SIL's relationship sounds odd. SIL doesn't want his parents coming to stay so she invites her mother to stay for months on end instead and gets really arsey about it when he complains. Either there's an unhealthy dynamic there or BIL is actually putting all the blame on SIL when he didn't want his parents living with him for months. Maybe he thinks his MIL staying is the lesser of two evils. Although, that said, trying to make SIL the bad guy would suggest an unhealthy relationship dynamic anyway.)

Yes I have two. DH and I stayed with my mum for the first and MIL came and helped for the second. I adore my MIL and mum who are both very very helpful people. Everyone assumed DH couldn't cook (he couldnt cook) or clean and everyone was happy. There was plenty of bubble time later. I'm a working mum with a tough job. The time off was very special for me, as was having babies and I wanted to share it with all my family as well as DH. MIL and PIL remained brilliant grandparents and in laws. But people are different. My SIL wanted to do her own thing when she had babies, which was fine by everyone.

Morning Georgie how are you doing today? Really hope this situation is getting resolved. If not, maybe all of us on this thread could hire a coach and come and have a little chat with your in laws......?

Funny person-if you don't believe that her PIL are too bad, maybe they could stay with you ?
It is perfectly possible - indeed necessary to create a bubble post birth. I did it with a newborn and 15 month old and am about to repeat it with a 3, 2 yr old and a newborn. This is a very important time in their lives and shouldn't be fucked up for a bit if decorating IMO.
Lots of MILs mine if you asked them would be convinced that they are helping/being useful/assisting. However-in RL they are frankly a pain in the arse, I'm just far too polite to let them know mine hates telly, sweets, chocolate, swearing, music, my friends, holding babies too much- basically the polar opposite of me. I don't want to deal with that post birth.
Stop scaremongering with all the talk of haemorrhaging too....

op This is awful for you, perhaps now he has slept on it he will see sense?

I would not have my mum to stay so close to my second baby being born, even though she cooks and cleans and irons (!) for us, it is just too precious a time, those 2 weeks are just too lovely to have house guests for, and I do not care who those house guests are!

I think you can say to PILs, We know this is going to hurt your feelings, but it really isnt personal, it's just not good timing at all. We have looked up some alternatives for you. The key is saying we

Good Luck!

Funny person: just because your experiences are of helpful, nice to be around families really doesn't mean that other people don't have more difficult ones. It would be nice if everyone had lovely parents/in laws but, unfortunately, that isn't the case. It's nice (for you) that you cannot imagine how difficult things might be for other people.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. Stand your ground. I say that as someone who's PILs are coming for a few weeks in May when our baby arrives. Difference is, MIL asked me if she could and has double/treble checked it's still ok, I know she'll gladly take over all the mundane household chores, plus if she does get over excited and start being overbearing with baby stuff FIL will have her out of the house in a flash. He was the one who put his foot down and said she couldn't come over as soon as the baby arrived because she needed to give us at least a week on our own.

I really hope your husband wakes up and sees sense.

Is your dh the younger brother by any chance?

I'm in complete agreement with everyone else in that you've been dropped in this sea of shit by BiL and Bridezilla.

I hope things go your way and your H sees sense and tells PiL that you've got too much on your plate and they can't live with you. Either way there is a whole load of bad feeling going to be floating around between the family from what I can gather.

Get your Mother involved in this for support, I think you'll need it.

My parents were staying when I had a section - they came up when I went in in labour to look after the dog (we had our priorities sorted ). They visited in hospital the day that ds was born - but only having checked with DH. They visited the following day - similarly they waited until visiting hours and had previously checked with DH.

When I got home they were managing the house, sorting the cooking, doing the shopping, walking the dog, bringing me tea, making sure I ate, and generally sorting everything out. They did have cuddles with DS - but didn't presume. Some days they took themselves out for decent periods, particularly if the MW was visiting etc. They stayed for about 3 days post birth - then it was clear that DH and I would be OK and they left.

I think if OP was expecting this sort of assistance from PiL she might not be so set against it - however, I would not have felt happy if I had FiL in the sitting room where I wanted to lounge on the sofa, watching sky sports (not that he does...), nor would I have wanted anyone, including my parents, to be staying for a month around the birth.

If PiL are having this work done all because of the wedding, its even worse that your BiL has gone back on the original plan to stay with them.

It's easier with your own parents generally as well, isn't it?

The relationship is well established & you are more comfortable with them.

(Generalising there, but ykwim)

"BIL put his wife- to- be first before his parents over something far less important than yours."

Exactly.

How can your husband possibly justify doing this to you when his own brother won't ask his fiancée to have his parents because of her wedding?

funny you said "OK I hear that PIL are unhelpful bummers but I don't buy it. Maybe I just can't believe it." Well, okay, but how useful can your opinions here be then? I don't ask that to be rude, but to point out that if we don't take on board the account of how things stand as put forward by the OP then we can't really offer advice, can we? E.g., if I said "Okay I hear that the OP is pregnant but I don't buy it. Maybe I just can't believe it." I would certainly be entitled to think that, but it would pretty much prevent me from offering a useful opinion.

It does sound like you have great ILs and great parents. I do too. But not everyone does. And as you say "But people are different. My SIL wanted to do her own thing when she had babies, which was fine by everyone." Well exactly. The OP has explained why she wants to do her own thing in having this baby, and it should be fine by everyone.

Well I have been following this thread and I too have to support you.

Unfortunately, this happened to me. My MIL came to stay when I had my second DC and it ruined the bonding and has had a permanent long lasting effect on my children. Believe me I am not exaggerating. It was a disaster and I am still resentful many years later.

Your needs and wants should absolutely come first! There is no question of it and it makes me so angry on your behalf and brings back all the hurt and upset that it caused me.

Not only did MIL stay for the birth but she came for every.single.holiday after that! Start as you mean to go on.

Yes Keatsie I see what you mean. OP isn't being allowed to do her own thing. Her own thing should be fine by everyone.
I'm being a bit of a devils advocate here of course. I thought the thread was all a bit one sided. Wicked PIL and DH kind of thing. But also OP seemed to think she could have a csection and 2 young babies and her DH at home for two weeks would be fine. I'm not totally convinced by that.

What's the betting that the "help" the DH has in mind is OP doing the housework/cooking/etc, while MIL gets to coo over baby.......

OP, I am really on your behalf that your DH is such an idiot who would rather please his parents than put your needs first.