To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

This stupid fucker is going to risk his marriage so his parents can impose on his heavily pregnant wife at the time she gives birth?

Maybe he's been a good husband up until now, but he's showing himself as a sexist prick who doesn't even consider you to be a person.

No decent husband would ask, never mind demand, this of his wife.

Sitting in a bubble under your newborn while your husband spends his month off looking after you and the toddler is what you need.

If he won't provide that, then ask him to leave and get your own mother to come.

I couldn't stay married to a man who treated me this badly.

What an utter shit he is being to you.

Iteotwawki, neither would I, but in this case it seems that a conversation hasn't been had between OP and PILs, because it's all gone through OP's DH. So, though the PILs seem crazily insensitive, they may be blissfully unaware that OP doesn't want them there under any circumstances.

SwedishKaz, read the whole thread. This situation has arisen because other families members' plans changed and OP is expected to be happy to be dumped on because of it. It's the other family members who need to "change themselves" as this is their problem, not OP's. To say that OP has enough on her plate without having to put up her PILs for what may well be far longer than two months is the understatement of the year.

this situation has been mulling over in my head overnight and I still cannot believe the totally inconsiderate treatment OP is getting. A few observations:

1. we also FF for medical reasons. My PILs love the fact that they can do this and bond with the baby. BUT MIL has never presumed that it is okay, she has always offered (usually so that I can get some hot food) and does not see it as a right, just a massive privilege.
2. I loved the fact at christmas (DD2 was 2 weeks old) she got so many cuddles from lots of people. BUT no one presumed to take her off me; no one presumed it was okay and taking her back was NEVER an issue (in fact DD2 put a stop to it herself by crying so much after too many cuddles - she loves them but loves alone time too)
3. I was thinking about how my MIL or DM would react if they were the mother of your SIL. They would be horrified take themselves to a hotel or back home on the next flight AND have a massive go at me or DH for being thoughtless and inconsiderate (I can imagine both saying 'I didn't raise you to be such a thoughtless cow/prick, I am deeply disappointed')

Shortly after my DSIS's c section me and our DM did a tag team at her house to help her. After her DH went back to work mum went up for a week than I took my DD1 (6 months at time) up and did a week. We were there to cook, clean, fetch, carry, deal with support stockings. It's why we went - to help! It was a very special time and we were glad to be able to do it for her. The point I am trying to make is that house guests are not welcome at this time - only unpaid skivvys!

Regarding the TV - I would be massively tempted to get it stuck on disney junior (on for more of the day than cbeebies and far more annoying) and lose the remote so that even if sky sports was bought it couldn't be watched.... However I would be a massive bitch about the TV. My house, my rules and it goes off at 9 and doesn't go on again till at least 4.30 (okay usually in time for pointless...)

They probably believe that they will not be intrusive and be helpful. Can't believe how horrid they are all being to you.

I dont think there is anything wrong with mummy helping with chores which a previous poster derided
I really think it is unsafe to leave a mum recently having had a section with a newborn and a 2 year old alone all day while DH is at work.
And as a working mum frankly if I had to go out to work all day and then come home to ..well ...a tired and post op mum, a newborn and a fractious year old ... I would be looking for help if I were DH. Why are we suddenly expecting men to be all singing all dancing?
The renovations to PILS house aren't the key issue here. The issue is that OP cant realise she is going to need help. She is putting herself at danger of heamorrhage and her 2 year old at risk and no wonder PIL have suggested this to her.

One solution might be to have her own mother along for 2 weeks to walk the dog and cook for DH etc and then MIL and FIL once the initial period is over.

DH is breadwinning all this time. He needs to be able to work normally. How would OP feel if he lost his job over this?

Of course I am assuming MIL and FIL and OP's mum are helpful people. They most probably are.

Funnyperson, read the whole thread.

Dh has taken a month off work. The pils are not helpful.

Keep up

Also this whole thing about who is overseeing the renovations is hilarious. Like either of you are going to be able to do that whilst moving and having a new baby.

Whats more important the PILS new house or the new baby?

SwedishKaz, I think you should save the stoical statements for a situation where the OP really has no choice about it (night feeds, perhaps!) Rather than this one where she clearly does , not being a slave and all.
And Funnyperson sorry but that is bollocks. The dh in question is planning four weeks off work - why would the mil be needed in addition to that??

I know I'm going to need help, my DH is having a month at home, that was the plan all along, until it was decided that PIL would need somewhere to stay.

But my DH was never not going to help me.

Well then OP can get a cleaner in for starters amIamug
I cant see her winning this fight. She is going to have to work out how to keep control of her self and her baby whilst they are all there and let go of the 2 year old the Dh and the house for a while till they go.

Why the bloody hell shouldn't the woman who has had major abdominal surgery and is coping with a newborn and all the hormones that go with it not win this fight? Any reasonable person would see that her needs trump those of a perfectly healthy and financially solvent couple who simply want a place to crash?

Lots of incorrect assumptions going on there funnyperson so maybe trot off and read the 500 or so posts on the thread before you blame the OP for not accepting help from Mrs Dolly and Mr Sky Sports.

See you in a bit eh...?

Funnyperson Her DH may not want the workload of caring for his wife after a major OP but tough shit! She's had the Op for THEIR child, he has to share in the workload and stress of a newborn it's his duty as a husband and father.

And even if they felt it was necessary that she have someone with her 24/7 the choice of that person is OP not her PILs or her husband FFS she is not his property.
Considering OP has already had a CS she is well aware of what she will be able to do for herself there is no need to patronise with OP 'issue of understanding'. The real issue is the ILS and her DHs attitude.

OP if I were you I would be speaking to my parents about coming to stay if they dare darken your doorway with suitcases, they sound the sort to just turn up.

Oh Funnyperson you are so funny (not)

Are you the MIL maybe ?

Do you really think the PILS/BIL&SIL/DH have all come up with this because they want to help OP ?!?

In any case DH is apparently taking 2 wks paternity and 2 wks working from home so plenty enough time for him to help immediately post-op and if any complications arise later which mean OP still needs assistance then I'm sure she wouldn't mind either her own mother or indeed MIL stopping by to help - but this can be done - and most decent people would offer without any conditions - without PILs staying for at least 2 months !!

With everything OP has written the MAIN, and quite possibly the ONLY reason PILs want to stay is so MIL can play dollies with the new baby - and with the added benefit of them saving money and being near the centre of MIL's social life. In other words this is ALL about what's convenient for them and not about concern for OP. PILs do NOT have a good track record for helping in any case .....

If all this was born out of concern the very least PILs could have done was to speak to OP but they haven't. It's all been arranged/assumed above her head and she's expected to comply like a good little girl. Furthermore if this was about concern for OP then why the hell were they ever going to stay at BIL's in the 1st place - surely people so "concerned" would have suggested staying at OP's instead ?

No-one in this whole bloody mess seems concerned about OP whatsoever - just about themselves.

Funnyperson have you read the thread? These are not people who are here to help! FIL expects to be waited on hand and foot while he rots in front of Sky Sports. MIL wants to take over at every opportunity and stresses the OP out no end. The DH has taken a month off to be there to support with the two year old.

Read the entire thread first, then comment.

And why the hell would her husband loose his job over this?!
And 'bread winning' have I woke up in the 1950's?

The fact that your husband has joined with his (cunty) brother and their parents in this plan to deliberately intrude on your time with your new baby is quite chilling.

His family is ganging up on you, and he is on their side.

That the plan includes an open attempt to muscle in on time with the baby, and competing with your (helpful) mother for access to your children, and that your husband thinks this, and their attacks on your parents, is acceptable is deeply worrying.

He says "I love you", but his actions right now say very much otherwise.

I wonder whether DH is thinking he could get to spend paternity leave sat on his arse watching sky sport with his dad will have less to do at home if his parents are there 'helping' ?

Curious- the fact you have to see them on Sunday is great, you have a deadline for dh. He's told them by Sunday or you do it at the party.

Say you will tell mil that you've said you'll move out of they move in, that your really angry at bil for insulting your parents and for offering your house without talking to you first. That you don't want to fall out with all of dhs family but are really hurt she and all her family are treating you do badly.

Or he can manage the 'no' message...

OP, can you get your H to come along to your next MW appt, and explain exactly how stressed this is making you, so that the MW can tell your DH what's best for you and the baby ?

Why should OP be confined to her room whilst Mrs Dolly & Mr Sky Sports have the run of the new house?

I do think though that if OP says she will move to her Mums that her husband will take her up on it tbh.

Then it would be Mrs D & Mr SS nicely ensconced in new house.

He can trot off to work & bother with them as little as poss-maybe coming home to a cooked meal & a clean,quiet house...

Why the hell should the OP "let go" of the 2 year old? It is a big transition having your first younger sibling. Being suddenly passed on to gps might feel like rejection. While help is obviously needed with the older child, I'm sure most parents see the importance of maintaining something close to a normal routine for them.
Oh and Funnyperson, loving your determination to keep making your point even when it is pointed out to you you haven't understood the situation and have missed most of the thread

Yeah, the OP shouldn't offer to move out.

At this point the question is not whether the PIL will be staying, but whether their son will be still in the marital home by June.