Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 00:41

I bloody hate sky sports.

Even worse though, is sky sports News??!

They watch it on Christmas Day. It's not normal. What's wrong with Downton Abbey and Eastenders??!

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 15/03/2013 00:41

Wow so he's being selfish spineless and patronising all at the same time then, that's quite a hat trick

OTTMummA · 15/03/2013 00:52

He is saying that you are causing yourself stress?!
What a belittling and manipulative thing to say!

I would tell him that if he doesn't tell PIL this is not on by the weekend then you will do it, and you won't be mincing words either.

I am really angry for you op.

thelittlestkiwi · 15/03/2013 00:56

But it is stressful so of course you will stress about it till June if it isn't sorted.

What about arranging some house sitting for them?

www.trustedhousesitters.com

or

www.housesittersuk.co.uk/

But still no to them staying after you have the baby. You just can't get that time back. It's priceless.

thelittlestkiwi · 15/03/2013 00:58

If you mention bleeding and 'wimin's problems' would FIL take fright?

Take no prisoners OP!

HansieMom · 15/03/2013 01:09

No, HE is causing you AND the baby stress.

FairPhyllis · 15/03/2013 01:26

Holy crap

Stick to your guns OP. Rarely is this kind of unanimity seen in AIBU.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 15/03/2013 01:39

Oh Georgie Sad
Did he pay you on the head too? Patronising bugger Angry - it is precisely because you are pregnant that he should be supporting you on this!
Definitely agree with involving your mum if need be-mine would go ape shit if this were me.
My CS is in nearly 6 weeks and have already had the kitten eyes from MIL who has never ever forgiven me for not letting her and fucking obnoxious BIL stay in our small flat after my 1st baby. I said this right from the word go. She chose to ignore me and was horrified when I stuck to my guns, she cried , left the flat like a shithole, turned the heating off , used the last of the milk and off they popped. It's true-you can't get the time back lying around with your babies and OH in a little bubble. Certainly not for the sake of someone else's landscaped garden. Best of luck Thanks

EMUZ · 15/03/2013 02:08

I have no DC and even so YADNBU

My house move went tits up and my buyers were going to pull out so I had to move with nowhere to live. I found a local b&b that did sort of long term lets (lots of lorry drivers)
It was £70 a week, I got breakfast and a 3 course meal every night (not tempted to stay there forever, oh no) Grin

I don't even visit people after they've had babies even close friends. I send a card, and offer shopping/cooking/cleaning help when they want it

detoxlatte · 15/03/2013 03:20

Oh man, what a mess!

Putting aside all the various pieces of offense being (rightly or wrongly) taken by various people over various things...the fact is that this is crap for you and crap for your DH.

Crap for you for all the reasons stated on this thread already.

Crap for your DH because, assuming a generally loving and happy family set-up, he is stuck in the middle of everyone he loves (whether or not they are right, they are putting him in this position - and glass houses and all that)..

I'm not sure that demanding to be the one whose say goes is the answer (if only because it causes DH so much trouble).

I also don't think that giving in and having PIL stay is the answer.

I think that you all, collectively, need to accept that this is a communal family problem that needs to be dealt with communally. BIL and SIL are entitled to get excited about their wedding, SIL is entitled to have her mum stay, PIL are entitled to get their works done, and you are entitled to family privacy at this precious, precious time. However, the responsibility for making this happen isn't yours alone, and the price to pay isn't you being the only one not to get what you want and need. .

I suggest that BIL, SIL, PIL and you/DH club together and pay for some sort of temporary accommodation for the time before-after your CS that you just do not want PIl around. If BIL/SIL complain about paying, tell them the works are only happening for their bloody wedding. You may soon find that SIL's mum gets dispatched earlier than anticipated as a consequence, and PILs go to stay with them. PIL have to accept that timing on all sides is rubbish, but that it is one of those things. Then, you have them for whenever and however long you can countenance.

This way everyone compromises a bit, and no one pays too heavy a price - and PILs get their works done on time (as ultimately that seems to be their priority).

detoxlatte · 15/03/2013 03:30

And after that, you can tell DH to shove his patronizing "it's pregnancy hormones talking, everything will be alright" up his arse, after he has had his belly cut open and stitched back together after he has had nine months of a succubus parasite dwelling inside him and sucking the very life out of him, all the while knowing that all of this could very well be preferable to life with a toddler and newborn once the baby is born.

Iteotwawki · 15/03/2013 03:42

No no no no no no no.

You are not worrying over nothing - because you are not worrying, because your PiL are not staying under any circs, so there is nothing to worry about.

Honestly, we had MiL to stay for 4 months (she'd just moved 12000 miles and seriously had nowhere else to go!) when she first moved over here and at one point I clearly told dh that if divorce was the only way to remove the woman from my life then I was considering it. At that point he did realise how stressed I was with her constant low level sniping / sarcasm / criticism and he stepped up.

We have just built a house (which is worse than renovating - we didn't have internal doors, because of no walls to hang them on!) and lived in it for 6 months with no kitchen (ikea desk and camping gas stove), no bathroom (external tap, water heated in pan on camping stove, buckets, showers at local leisure centre), one toilet (non flushing, needed buckets) and limited power (temporary supply which we ran a lot of socket strips from!). We managed - I still don't have plumbing yet and we've been in it a year. Your PiL don't need to move out, they just want to, for their convenience.

You know what? It's your convenience your dh should be thinking of. Not his, not his parents, not his siblings - yours and only yours. If it's not convenient to you, it ain't happening.

Am fuming on your behalf.

AllOverIt · 15/03/2013 05:42

Sorry detoxlatte, but I don't agree.

To be frank, why the hell should OP have a family discussion and club together to pay for their temporary accommodation.

Her PIL are grown now, they got themselves into this situation by making assumptions and not actually asking whether they could stay. BIL has made assumptions and DH has also assumed that they can. They can sort it out.

Your assuming that they are decent rational beings where this approach might work.

Everyone is putting themselves first, when OP, her DD and her new baby come first.

And fuck all the rest of them.

AllOverIt · 15/03/2013 05:45

Also, at 490 responses long, I would print out the whole thread, calmly tell him that 'No, it is not happening. You are at risk of destroying everything we have if you don't listen to what I'm saying and you don't support me in this. Read this, all these people also believe that I'm within my rights to react this way' give him the print out and leave the room.

noblegiraffe · 15/03/2013 05:55

Because you're pregnant everything seems worse?? How utterly dismissive of your feelings. 500 messages of support for you on AIBU says you're right and he's a twat for not seeing it.

And he says you're causing yourself stress? No, he's causing you stress, and it's not good for the baby. Ask him why he's not putting you first.

shushpenfold · 15/03/2013 06:26

Marking place...

someoftheabove · 15/03/2013 06:30

I also wonder what OP's PILs would think if they saw this thread. If it were my DIL, I would be mortified that I had put her in such an impossible position, she was having to resort to getting support from hundreds of strangers online.

ChasedByBees · 15/03/2013 06:35

Patronising twat. I do hope you show him this thread. I also feel sad for you that without it you might have ended up more railroaded into this ridiculous situation. It really is a stretch to think your DH is usually wonderful.

funnyperson · 15/03/2013 06:47

With a 2 year old and just having had a section and just having moved you will need help OP.
Your DH wont help you.
Your mum might. Your MIL might. Your FIL should stay away as he will be a bother.
Perhaps you could explain to PIL and DH that you had planned to have your mum over.

SwedishKaz · 15/03/2013 06:48

I'm sorry, but I think YABU. You've immediately had a negative reaction (which is understandable), but you need to think about everyone involved, and try to change your attitude to a more positive one. If you try to think that "this is happening, and there's nothing I can do about it", then you'll start seeing some positive from the situation.
It's not for good. It's helping your family out for a maximum of 2 months. They will be grateful, and if you set up some "rules" (and a TV in their room) from the start, it will be ok.
Can be really annoying and end with a quote? ?When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.? Viktor Frankl

funnyperson · 15/03/2013 06:51

Staying alone in a 'little bubble' sounds unrealistic anyway with a 2 year old after a section. Thats probably why PIL have thought this up with DH

Iteotwawki · 15/03/2013 06:51

someoftheabove If it were my DiL, she would never be in this position. Because the moment Son1 said "sorry, spare room is taken, stay with Son2" I would have said "But Son2's DW will have just had a CS and have a newborn to cope with, she doesn't want or need me as well" and rearranged building work at a different time.

diddl · 15/03/2013 07:05

I think if you wouldn't really notice them & they would be helpful, it would be a different matter.

But 4wks at the least is quite a while at anytime.

And it's not as if they are about to be made homeless-they're renovating for a party!

So they need to suck it up & sort something out for themselves!

Why is OP's husband so keen to have them there?

So that Mummy will help him with the chores & the newborn??

Iteotwawki · 15/03/2013 07:08

Maximum of 2 months? /hollow laugh.

Our house build was supposed to take 9-10 months. It started end 2011 and it's still not finished!

It'll overrun. There will be issues with wiring that weren't previously foreseen, then a tap or pipe will go in the wrong place and need to be moved. Then someone will get flu or their previous job will overrun so they can't start PiL's job till next week instead of this. But someone else was relying on them getting their bit done this week, so now they can't do their part until 3 weeks' time. 50% deposit in advance, thanks.

saintlyjimjams · 15/03/2013 07:15

Well your in laws are being unreasonable in even thinking this was acceptable. If you get major building work fine you sort put accommodation not foist yourself on family for months. Especially when a baby is on the way FFS.