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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 23:12

Thanks everyone. I'm going to just keep saying no and see what comes of it!

Unfortunately Ive just realised I'm going to have to see them all this weekend regardless as there's a family birthday (not one of them) Sunday night!

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 23:18

Georgie, just keep saying "Its not gonna be a good time, BIL shouldnt have presumed it was possible" and leave it at that.

You shouldnt have the weight of their choices on your shoulders.

LadyPessaryPam · 14/03/2013 23:19

Georgie, I really don't lie the sound of your husband from all of this. Please show him this thread and explain I am a woman in her mid 50s who has her won kids and a successful marriage. He is heading for the rocks in his own of he doesn't get a grip.

LadyPessaryPam · 14/03/2013 23:20

lie=like

Skygirls · 14/03/2013 23:21

Mil doesn't want to miss clubs that she has twice a week?

What? Are there no b&b's/ hotels where you live that would be just as close? I find that very hard to believe!

BIL crapping on your parents?? WTF!! None of his business

And actually, it's your mother who raised you. Of course you would be closer to her and feel comfortable with helping you out. When I had dc1&2, my mum came to stay......she did everything for me-cook, clean, wash clothes, watch baby so I could have a shower. Also, with my mum, I could have my tits out and walk around half naked....because she is MY mother not my MIL!!!

Why is everyone being horrible to pil? Err because they don't have a thought for anyone else

DH wants them to have a turn with this baby?
Not their right. As grandparents, they take the back seat. You get to say when they get to visit.

Why is your DH now not standing up for you when he usually does?

If DH still doesn't get it, I would as other posters have suggested, go to your MW, GP or HV and get them to write that in their medical opinion it would be in the best interests of your and your baby's health that you are not subjected to this level of stress as it could lead to post natal depression.

I can't understand why PILs don't have the decency to leave you be

DH needs to seriously consider what he's standing to lose(you and the 2 DCs) if he pushes this. His parents should not have a higher priority than you and the children, EVER!

I'm so sorry for you georgie that you have to deal with this in what should be happy days for you. DO NOT BACK DOWN! DO NOT GIVE IN!

ArtexMonkey · 14/03/2013 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 23:25

Or BIL hanging from Tower Bridge by a butt plug firmly wedged up his arse.

ScottyDoc · 14/03/2013 23:25

CuriousGeorgie you have balls of steel and a good head on your shoulders, that's all I can say. You have been fabulous in dealing with this very awkward situation. Kudos to you seriously Thanks many of us would have caved in to the pressure.

louisianablue2000 · 14/03/2013 23:33

Your PILs should be finding a place to rent and not expecting their heavily pregnant DIL to look after them. If they can afford extensive renovations to their house they should have budgeted for alternative accomodation. Your DH needs to know that what he is asking you to do is too much and it is not good for your marriage, you need to be looking after yourself when you are heavily pregnant/just had a baby.

thelittlestkiwi · 14/03/2013 23:37

I feel quite stressed for you OP.

Have you had a C section before? Mine was fine and I'd have another tomorrow. But I didn't do stairs for about two weeks after which meant sleeping in our downstairs spare room. You are not going to want to go upstairs to a bedroom to feed. It'd also be very isolating.

I would make it quite clear to MIL/DH that you are not comfortable BFing in front of your FIL all day and won't be able to climb stairs. Absolutely don't have them to stay after the birth.

BookFairy · 14/03/2013 23:39

Bloody nora. I feel pissed off for you. Flabbergasted at the gall of you BIL/PIL. Stay strong Brew Thanks

Skygirls · 14/03/2013 23:41

I would take the opportunity at the weekend to speak directly to the PILs to say that they can't stay.

You have to make them understand that it is completely insensitive to come and stay after you've just had major surgery, which will take at least 6 weeks to recover from.

Your DH saying they'll be helpful is delusional. I actually think that by saying that, he's trying to convince himself that it will be the case, but he knows it won't be.

GOOD LUCK! Sending you strength to fight your corner!!

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 23:43

I ended up with a C section with my DD, my recovery was good as they go I think but I was able to just sit and do nothing with DD cuddled up to me watching rubbish tv :)

OP posts:
Dereksmalls · 14/03/2013 23:48

Georgie, has your DH actually told your PILs they can't stay yet? If he hasn't and doesn't before this weekend, then if they bring it up then it's your opportunity to look blank and say "But of course you realise that's a ridiculous idea, who would do that?" and act as if you think they are joking.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 23:48

Thats what you need, you cant lounge around, in slouchy PJs and nothing, if you got tv hoggers around.

Skygirls · 14/03/2013 23:51

georgie did DH say anything else when he came back from his run?
Is he still being an arse stubborn?

Really feel for you but stand your ground. Thanks

Yfronts · 14/03/2013 23:56

Email DH, BIL/SIL and IL's and state the final facts so that there is no confusion and it's out in the open, don't put the issue up for discussion though.

Say you have decided you are not having any house guests while heavily pregnant or with new born. Then email some links to various caravan holidays/local rooms to let. Say you understand that they want to save money by staying with you but more importantly its a very delicate time for OP/baby and you just want to be on your own as you were last time. Point out that if they want to do what your parents did last time - bring round meals/do washing/walk the dog then that would be lovely but you are sadly unable to accommodate anyone in your house.

Also why is your husband putting IL's needs before yours and your babies? He has a totally warped sense of loyalty!! He is letting you and you baby down at such a vital and sensitive point in your life. He should be making sure you are OK during this stressful time, other peoples needs should fade to nothing by comparison. He needs a wake up call!!!

Yfronts · 14/03/2013 23:59

If by chance it does go ahead, try and stay in hospital as long as you can to get some space.

Stand firm though, email and just say sorry no, it's not happening. Yes we do love you but right now my needs are the most important.

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 00:01

Very good yfronts that is perfectly worded

Pilgit · 15/03/2013 00:01

Haven't read the entire thread but this whole thing sounds dreadful. I moved house with a 7wk old baby after a normal birth and no attenuating stress and it was still stressful. I suppose the point to make is that this is and will put you under a lot of stress. Stress can be harmful to the baby (I had to slow down considerably after starting to get wobbles at work - real wake up call). You, after baby has been born, will be recovering from major surgery and dealing with the third most stressful thing you can do - move house. Add to this you PILs (who sound like total PITAs) and we are in potential territory for PND. Does your DH really want that just because his parents are making themselves homeless?

If they really have nowhere else to go then the only solution for them is to delay the work until after you've moved, the baby is at least 4 months and the wedding has happened. There are some things in life more important than houses and property.

Also echo what has been said up thread about DD1 and getting her used to the new family dynamic - this will be delayed, excacerbated by all the stress and possibly directed at DC2.

I am gobsmacked at the totally thoughtless treatment you are receiving from people who are meant to be family.

eslteacher · 15/03/2013 00:08

The point is you have good reasons for wanting and needing alone time before and after the birth. This is more important than your MIL's clubs, your FIL's sky sports or generally your PIL's paranoia about not being liked.

How does your DH not see that? If he was just asking for a few days or something and they genuinely didn't have the resources to go anywhere else...but 8 WEEKS! Its OBVIOUSLY a huge ask.

I simply don't believe that PIL and DH can't understand your point of view. Everyone knows that when you have guests in your home, however much you like them, you can't fully relax and be as free and easy as you are alone. They must know this. And they must know hiw important it is that you can relax and be calm before and after pregnancy, major surgery and having a new baby. They are just being willfully blind to it to get their way...

Good luck in standing up for yourself.

Skinidin · 15/03/2013 00:18

You're absolutely right to say no.

Sounds utter hell to me.

cantreachmytoes · 15/03/2013 00:37

Has FIL had a prostate operation? If so, ask how he'd like you to have been at home with him after that. If he hasn't, ask him the same!

You are essentially planning a babymoon with DH, DD and new baby. Your BIL and SIL are planning on taking PILs on honeymoon with them?

I'm another who can vouch for resentment at people staying post baby, but for me it was my mother.

Good on you for sticking to your guns. Whatever it costs emotionally to get what you want now will be LESS than what it would cost you having them there after delivery.

Oh and on the not breastfeeding front, just because baby isn't on your nipple doesn't mean she has to be passed around. Can't believe people think they have a right to feed other people's babies just because the mother is FF!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 15/03/2013 00:38

I am so sorry they're all putting you through this stress

I am honestly gobsmacked at how awful your DH is being to you, I'd find it very difficult to forgive behaviour like this Sad

Hang in there, this thread is huge and everyone has agreed that they are all being nasty selfish twats unreasonable, and believe me if MN thought you were the one in the wrong they would let you know about it Grin

You are doing brilliantly just stay strong

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 15/03/2013 00:39

He said - I love you, I think you're worrying over nothing because you're pregnant everything seems worse. It will all be fine. You're causing yourself stress and its not good.

And it was on the upstairs landing and DD is in bed with the door open so not wanting to get into a row I've just come to bed.

But it's not happening. No way. The fact that this many people agree with me just confirms that I'm in the right.

OP posts: