Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
thezebrawearspurple · 14/03/2013 21:48

First I'd ring bil and say 'how dare you presume to invite anyone to stay in my home for months on end, go fuck yourself, I'm not going to your fucking wedding you obnoxious twit, I want nothing to do with you again, stay out of my life'.

Then ring your pil 'you're not staying here, I was so looking forward to spending time bonding with this new baby but now I'm so stressed because you're trying to inflict yourselves on me, you're not welcome to squat here, dh will be living with you before that happens.'

Get all this anger, stress and frustration out on them, don't take it and let it endanger your health and that of your baby. As for your selfish dickhead dh, tell him you will get rid of him before enduring his parents.

Have nothing to do with anybody in this situation bil, pil, your dh until they apologise to you. That's how you get what you need when dealing with selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious bastards, you have to be a bigger bitch, dig your heels in and mean it.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 21:48

Oh, and send SIL a text to say that all your long-lost relatives from Siberia are coming over for the birth and thank-you soooo much for her kind offer to have them all to stay, they won't mind sleeping on the living-room floor at all, so generous of her.

Grin You may as well have some fun with SIL

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 21:50

Or what Zebra said, of course ...

AnnabelKarma · 14/03/2013 21:52

I also have a troubled relationship with my diffcult in laws. What I find always works is to say to DH, firmly, " You deal with it or I will. No argument, no discussion. if it isn't dealt with by X, I will take matters into my own hands."

Funny, but he always does deal with it.

AllYoursBabooshka · 14/03/2013 21:53

This sounds like a horrible urban legend, told to terrify pregnant women... Except it's true!

Your BIL is the biggest dick I have ever heard of.

Well done for saying no.

AgentZigzag · 14/03/2013 21:55

No offence whatsoever to you teacherwith2kids, but I much prefer zebras response Grin

These people need telling with an accompanying kick up the arse, and you're too lovely and nice Grin (not that you aren't nice zebra Grin)

stifnstav · 14/03/2013 21:58

So BIL suggested MIL play dollies? How fucking dare he!

It is a huge no from me too. DH would be locked out when he tries to come home after his run.

maddening · 14/03/2013 22:02

Look for private landlords in your area - they might have a property that they don't mind letting for a short term let in between tenants. That would be cheaper than a holiday let and they'll be closer when dd2 arrives.

Tell dh he needs to sort it as he is risking causing big problems all round. It is for him and bil to sort. Sil is not urgent and not up for discussion so why should your more difficult situations be any less?

The two sons need to find a fix which does not include their homes and need to ensure pil are happy.

stifnstav · 14/03/2013 22:04

Don't look for anything... fuck em!

I'd be at my parents if this wasn't sorted, give them another turn!

FatimaLovesBread · 14/03/2013 22:06

Do your BIL and SIL have children?
I think you need to plan for something to happen to PILs house in the future that renders it inhospitable timed nicely with your SIL having her PFB so they have to go stay with them.

I can't believe the cheek. I would be fuming with your BIL as well, how dare he make judgements about the time your parents and PIL spent with your DC1 and how dare he tell them they can stay with you without checking first Angry
Your BIL is a twat

HorryIsUpduffed · 14/03/2013 22:07

SIL and BIL are parents?! so they know what the newborn stage is like! Bastards!

If you aren't bf then IMHO your postnatal bonding time will be even more important. You won't have the hormonal dope that bfers get, or the natural assistance with uterine shrinking. Having your baby within inches of you at all times will be even more important to give you the faintest hope of an easy recovery.

I am still cross about this, but it is all aimed at BIL, DH and the PILs. SIL isn't related to them and she's trying to get married. I will acquit her of cuntery in favour of blinkeredness.

BlueberryHill · 14/03/2013 22:12

AnnabelKarma, I take your approach as well. I much more direct than DH in general whereas he is much more diplomatic. It works really well.

OP, so sorry that you are having to deal with this shit. Your BIL is such as arse, how dare he. He really needs another one ripping, and I never say that.

I have had 2 CSs and I couldn't face 3 days of ILs staying (even when I haven't had abdominal surgery and they are pretty nice). Don't allow this to happen. Good luck.

RoseandVioletCreams · 14/03/2013 22:14

I havant read through whole thread; but I just wanted to say that I had the most precious relaxed wonderful time with my baby after a section because I was determined to do it my way this time.
You are in control of your life, you are the only person in your life who will fight best for your interests, just as everyone around you is fighting for thier own interests.

I am calm, my baby is notably to everyone how calm she is, all is calm and wonderful.

I did it My way.

I had the baby - I had the operation, I put myself first.

stifnstav · 14/03/2013 22:15

SIL knew what she was doing too! If anything, she as a parent should know that a wedding (or planning one) does not trump birth.

AudrinaAdare · 14/03/2013 22:17

Fucking hell, what utter cockwits Angry

I'll be right behind you in the queue GregBishop.

FatimaLovesBread · 14/03/2013 22:25

So they are already parents? Then your BIL is even more of a twat, you can't even blame it on not knowing what a new baby is like

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 22:28

Seriously, that whole family makes me shudder, such inconsiderate wankers.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2013 22:30

'everyone is horrible to his parents and he can't possibly let me upset them any more. I'm blowing this all out of proportion, they will be really helpful and it will mean that the house will get sorted quicker, DD won't get left out and his parents will get to see 'this baby' '

You are about to give birth via a major operation! It isn't about them.

He needs to man the fuck up! I would print this thread out and let him read it. What a fuckwit!

SoggySummer · 14/03/2013 22:35

Everything expat just said!! OP have you sadi to your husband just simply - what about me??

He seems to have everyone elses needs covered except yours!!

I am fuming for you!!!

I would be looking at getting them into a mobile home or caravan, a holiday let or even a bedsit somewhere in the village.

Premier Inn or Travel lodge - one of them has their summer sale starting today. Go and make a block booking now whilst the rooms are cheap!

Filofax · 14/03/2013 22:40

They've got it all worked out for you! I can't believe other (BIL and SIL) parents can inflict this. The timing is very suspicious indeed. I can still remember by the hour how some of my relatives overstayed their welcome when I was newly delivered. Not that I'm bitter years later. I can understand the men in this not appreciating the gravity of your situation fully, but not your MIL or SIL.

Unfortunately there seems to be a thread a week where an expectant mother is being trampled on and her privacy and peace being thrown aside.

AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2013 22:40

What thezebra said.

Your husband is failing you and your children, it's that simple.

I would have no more to do with his horrible poisonous family.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/03/2013 22:48

You say your DH is generally a good husband, and I don't see any reason to doubt that he's a likely husband because of this.

He is wrong, obviously, the bottom line is that you are having a baby and you get to dictate what happens in your home. And that's that. He knows this really, but it's going to be very very hard for him to tell his parents because he knows they will feel deeply hurt. He's trying to avoid having to tell them. I don't think that's because he doesn't care about you more than his parents, it just means he's trying to avoid a situation that will be horrible for himself instead of a situation that will be horrible for you.

When he finally gets his head round that, I wouldn't be too harsh on him.

ArtexMonkey · 14/03/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeatsiePie · 14/03/2013 22:56

Good grief, this was making me hyperventilate with stress just reading it!

You are completely in the right. I'm glad your DH is normally a terrific partner but right now he is completely in the wrong.

I am SO GLAD you are standing your ground. Your DH is going to have to calm down and reexamine statements like "everyone is horrible to my parents especially curious's parents are horrible to them and I can't have it" etc., as that is (as you've demonstrated) horseshit.

And I also think he should speak sharply to BIL and SIL for 1) just calling the PILs and informing them that your house is apparently a hotel with guaranteed vacancies and 2) insulting your parents to the PILs in order to get them to want to stay with you and not feel offended that BIL and SIL are refusing them! Seriously, I cannot imagine putting up with that kind of manipulation from my husband's family. What the fuck. Your DH is going to have to let go of this ohshitohshitmypoorparents reaction and actually deal with what is happening. Good luck.

NomDeOrdinateur · 14/03/2013 22:59

I agree, CloudsAndTrees - although, as several people have already pointed out, this situation will really be horrible for all concerned if the PIL stay with Georgie's family, purely because the plan is totally unrealistic. Spending 8 weeks with relatives even under ideal circumstances (i.e. no major disruptions, enough space, willing hosts, guests can leave early if they want etc) would be challenging, and the building work is likely to make the arrangement much more drawn out and open-ended which will be a source of stress and friction in itself. Add in the OP's circumstances and the current family politics and the situation is likely to make PIL even the DH miserable, but it will be too late for anybody to do anything about it...