To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

[curiousgeorgie]

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere

So... AIBU??

Also BIL listens to his bridezilla wife, can you learn from her?

She's an Irish force to be reckoned with! Clearly I can't compete!!

While he is out for his run, now would be a good time to phone the PIL and tell them that you're not sure what BIL has been saying, but you are definitely not inviting them to stay with you, because you're moving house and having major surgery and you won't be having any guests at all, no matter how lovely/helpful etc.

Then print this thread off and leave it by the kettle and go to bed.

Oh, and tell him the wedding is off until he has convinced you that you are the most important woman in his life.

I think the run may be a good idea. Hopefully he'll use it to think rationally & come round to your way of thinking. I think you can win this one. Keep saying how much you like his parents, how fun it will be for DD to go on days out with them, etc, but you dont want to ruin your relationship with them by resenting them for being there for those precious bonding days.

Oh God, NO. Don't do it. Don't, don't, DON'T!

You will be exhausted, leaking, irritable, tearful, bleeding, raging at any nearby human being, sweating, most probably have your boobs out 24/7 really want your privacy and time to revel in the bliss of your new baby and toddler. Seriously, don't.

Displaced PILS + Post-partum family = A Recipe For Disaster.

Good luck with your new baby though! . You never get that time back [bitter]

I do sympathise with your DH - your BIL and SIL have deliberately put the pair of you in a horrible position for the sake of their own convenience, and they've heaped the blame on "Georgie's side" rather than "Georgie and her DH" in the knowledge that he won't want to do anything that will put him out of favour with his folks (like standing up for you, AKA the decent and reasonable thing).

It seems to be a "shit rolls downhill" situation - your PIL have made themselves intentionally homeless for what will probably amount to 3 months, got you (in your capacity as unofficial project managers) to turn it into your BIL and SIL's problem, so your BIL and SIL consider themselves justified in turning it over to you. Only they can't, because A) nobody can demand that their offspring provide them with 3 months worth of UNNECESSARY free accommodation when it is inconvenient to them, as your PIL intend to; B) nobody has the right to foist that responsibility onto a family member without their consent, as your BIL and SIL have attempted to do to you; and C) even in dire straits, the house of a heavily pregnant woman/post op woman with a newborn, a dog and a small child who will already be struggling with a huge shift in the family dynamic is THE VERY LAST PLACE anybody should resort to staying, unless they are invited sincerely and spontaneously!

Stand firm, OP - and good luck .

Curious - when he comes back in, tell him that you are giving him one last chance. You won't mention it again, but if he moves your parents in you move out. You will go to your mums for the birth and first few weeks of this DCs life until they are gone and he really wants to think if he thinks either it's worth the damage that will do to his relationship with this child, or the fact that it's highly unlikely your marriage will survive this. Refuse to discuss again, beyond saying "you know what I'll do if you don't stand up for our family." stick to your guns.

The root of this problem lies with your bil and sil, they are the ends who have changed plans and pushed out your mil.
So, what happens to your parents in law is their problem not yours.

How on earth can her mother plan a wedding that will be in Ireland from England? That's madness anyway

I'm really pissed off about all the bitching about my parents. They paid for BIL & SIL to come to our wedding abroad six years ago, they send them gifts for their baby, they always include PIL... When it's Christmas or mothers day or anything like that they always invite them...

I feel so bad on their behalf.

he actually cant see my side and really thinks I'm in the wrong

My dh often feels I'm in the wrong about his family, or hormonal, or mad, or something. But he sees that I am unhappy and is willing to change things to make me happy, even if he can't see why I'm so bothered. Obviously, we compromise and don't always do things my way - unless I'm pregnant, having surgery, that kind of thing. Then its my way or the highway.

Tell him you've booked him in for a vasectomy next week, and your mum is coming to stay, and you're going away to visit friends, and he will have to look after your mum and dd straight after surgery. Oh and your mum will want to know all the details. And help him wash. And is that ok?

Oh and yes, I would definitely phone your ILs and tell them in no uncertain terms that, regardless of whatever BIL has told them, the enormous stress and disruption of the house move followed by major surgery, the new baby, your daughter's needs and your dog means that you absolutely can't have them to stay at all. You would, however, love to see them once a week for day visits...

I agree with don'tmind.

It is unfeasible that this can happen. If your PIL can afford to spend many tens of thousands on remodelling their house, they can afford to rent a flat for a few months. If they genuinely can't afford it, they need to choose which part of the renovation to forgo to enable them to afford it.

Ah, so MIL wants to stay at yours so that HER daily life wont get interrupted too much....

How thoughtful.

It sounds as though SIL didn't really want her inlaws staying either and was railroaded into it by her husband and took the first "get out of gaol free" card she was handed.
Staying with relatives for weeks on end was never a good solution to their housing problem. It's a shame SIL and BIL didn't make this clear earlier but they have now.
Yest the inlaws are unwanted, but that's because one of their children is getting married and the other is having a baby. They need to sort out their own accommodation problems and not be an unwanted guest at a difficult time.
They could still cancel all the extra garden stuff and do it later and just spend a short time in a caravan.

Google short-let (e.g. holiday, business etc) accommodation locally.

Print out the list, saying that since, unfortunately, BIL & SIL have refused to have PIL by inviting another guest, and that it is impossible for them to stay with you because you are having major surgery and will need appropriate recovery time, then these are the accommodation options open to them.

Sorry you are having such a time of it.

If your dh really is normally great and on the evidence of this thead we will just have to take your word for it! then perhaps he has to realise that sometimes you can't understand someone else.

He is not female. Or pregnant. Or about to have a major operation. Or going through, and about to go through, the enormous hormonal upheavals that pregnancy/childbirth/post-partem involve. So perhaps he actually is unable to see your side.

But as you are his wife he has to accept that that's his problem - that he cannot understand. And he has to believe you and trust you about what you want and need, and stick by that and do his best to give you what you want and need at this time. His relationship to you trumps, in this instance (ie it's not life and death) his responsibilities towards his parents/sibling/the rest of the world.

Good luck in sticking to your needs. If you allow him and his family to impose this on you it could actually have major repercussions on your marriage, as you will never know when he will let you down next (and nb what someone posted above about stress adding to the possibility of pnd).

This is obviously very important to your DH and he's thinking that because he hardly asks anything from you normally, that he's built it up so he's within reason to force the point.

That would be perhaps understandable if he wanted you to go out for a meal with your PIL or stay have them round for the weekend, but for WEEKS ON END??

Nope.

No way.

He's being totally and utterly unreasonable.

And your BIL and SIL foisting this on you is fucking shocking who the fuck do they think they fucking are??

The whole situation is outlandish, the way you're being treated is worse than shit on their shoes.

Please try not to let it affect how you look back on the end of your DD2s pregnancy, don't let them have that.

And don't let them railroad you into doing their bidding. You're a person in your own right (and they really don't seem to recognise this) and have a choice about who stays in your home and for how long.

Good luck

They CANT cancel the garden stuff.

The whole reason they are remodeling their house is because their son is getting married overseas, and they are going to host a party after the event for all those that dont go overseas to the wedding, remember? They are creating a show home for ONE event (mostly) so the garden cant be foul.

I bet the garden will be the focal point for an August party.....

Oh, and from what i've read of the thread - call your PIL and say that you are terribly sorry, there has been a misunderstanding. You are not, and never have been, in a position to have them to stay, because of the act you are having a baby.

You are, of course, terribly sorry, but you know that they will completely understand that it is impossible, and express huge regret that BIL / SIL have misled them so badly by saying that you could.

Ask sweetly whether they would like help researching alternative accommodation, and s-mail them suitable details...

Your sil is not thinking straight either.

She is getting her mum to come to Britain, so that they together can sort a wedding that happens, in her native home! Can she not go home and sort it with her mum in the place where the wedding is supposed to take place?

Your inlaws are all bonkers.

Hang on... your BIL told his parents that they could come and stay with you WITHOUT ASKING YOU FIRST?????

Did I read that right?

Dear Mr Curious.
What planet are you on?
How dare you and your family lay this stress and guilt-trip on your soon-to-be wife?
Have you any idea what you are asking of her? To move home, look after a toddler, face major surgery, all the while accommodating your parents.

She will have no privacy, bonding time or close family time with you and your two children. She will have leaky boobs, be having to change sanitary towels every five minutes, want to lay naked on the sofa to help her wound heal.need to have long baths to relieve some soreness, struggle with her bowel movements, have midwives and HV in and out to 'inspect' her nethers. She'll be hugely hormonal, be up most of the night with baby and need to rest (when possible) during the day.

She won't want MIL interfering with feeding or other routines. She might have behavioral problems with DD and not want your parents overseeing and judging her discipline methods.

She might want to watch crap on TV or allow DD too much CBeebies - certainly not sky sports.

Your parents' presence will be dtifling, uncomfortable and make the possibility of PND more likely.

Your marriage will suffer, as will her relationship with your parents.

Is all that worth it?

AAAAGH! What a nightmare. He needs to man up. YOU'RE his family now and should be his top priority.

Clam you read it right, who else wants to kick him hard in knackers....thats after inserting something up DH arse.