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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/03/2013 20:31

Has he answered? NO. Just NO. Stick to your guns.

shushpenfold · 14/03/2013 20:32

Watching with interest...

NomDeOrdinateur · 14/03/2013 20:35

YADNBU! I second Tarka's suggestion - confirmation from a friend of his who has been in this position, or (failing that) a medical professional who could explain about CS recovery and PND might help if flat refusal gets you nowhere...?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 14/03/2013 20:36

Op where in the country are you? I'll have pil to stay if it gets you out of this mess.

NorthernLurker · 14/03/2013 20:41

I hope your dh sticks up for you OP. How dare he ignore your right to have who you want in your home! Good plan to involve your mum. At least she's on your side.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 20:49

Right... I'm typing a long response!

OP posts:
Anomaly · 14/03/2013 20:49

YANBU and I seriously think SIL and BIL have a bit of a cheek. All this work on PILS house is for their benefit so they can have a party there. So seems reasonable that they put PILS up or find an alternative solution. Your house is not an option.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2013 20:57

Just one point re bottle feeding - it doesn't mean that anyone can do it! It's still your choice and your bonding opportunity with your baby. Other nums I know were very firm that only they and their DH were to feed the baby, bottle or not. My DGC were at least 2 months old before I could feed them. Fair enough to my mind.

And as a mum and a MiL, you cannot allow this. They either postpone or build into the budget for a cottage. They may be disappointed but that is nothing to how you're going to feel. It's extremely unreasonable to even consider it.

NO!!

ImperialBlether · 14/03/2013 21:00

God no. No way. You did the right thing, sending that email.

The thing that concerns me is that you're treating this as a problem you have to resolve. You don't. They asked. The answer's no. Now they have to work out what to do. It's not your job to figure out what they should do. It's theirs.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 21:03

They haven't actually asked, have they? I think you need to go with "we are not inviting you" "you will not be staying with us" "mmm, shame" "mmm, how difficult for you" "mmm, dear dear"

SanityClause · 14/03/2013 21:04

Yes, NannyOgg, my mother after having difficulties BF her first five DC, decided to go with FF from the start with number six.

She wouldn't let anyone else feed her, for the first few months, and given there were two other adults and a 13 and 12 yo living in the house, she was wise, because she might have been lucky to feed her once a day!

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 21:09

DH had a call from BIL yesterday to say basically that he was getting it in the ear from SIL about how much she had to do for the wedding, and it being in another country was really hard (it's where she's from), so BIL tried to placate her by suggesting her mum comes here for a bit, they get lots of wedding stuff organised and then her mum can go home and put stuff in place, so to speak. Except 'mummy' was so excited to come and visit that she just bought herself an open ended ticket and sprung on them that she was staying so long. BIL said they would have to tell her she couldn't come for so long, and SIL (thanks!) said no way, Georgie & DH can have your parents, I want my mum here, my wedding is really important and I don't get to see my mum that much etc etc.

So BIL told PIL that they would be staying with us, and that it would be fine because we will have extra room because we would have moved, and that MY PARENTS 'pushed them all out so much when DD was born, that it would be good for them to be here when I have DD2, so they get a turn! I'm really seething about this bitching about my parents. They didn't push anyone out... They brought meals round, or my mum came and took washing home, and they came and took the dog for a long run etc, but they didn't stay and they work full time so they probably actually saw DD less than PIL and BIL. The only difference is that I had my mum at the hospital.

DH thinks his parents are going to be really upset, essentially, at not being wanted by SIL or me and hes trying to fix that.

Other reasons include : MIL doesn't want to go anywhere but here or SIL's because she has clubs with her friends a couple of nights a week and she wants to be able to easily travel to them and she apparently can't from anywhere else.
We will have an extra bathroom (than BIL) so they can have their own. And SIL ( though we're not supposed to tell her this!) expects them to do too much babysitting.

I've put my foot down, said no way, read him some thread, and we've had a massive row that everyone is horrible to his parents and he can't possibly let me upset them any more. I'm blowing this all out of proportion, they will be really helpful and it will mean that the house will get sorted quicker, DD won't get left out and his parents will get to see 'this baby' Hmm

I said that I wouldn't stop them seeing her but they are not coming here, at all.

So he's pissed off and gone for a run.

And that's about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 21:09

Sorry! That was really long!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2013 21:13

stay strong, you are doing well in sticking to your guns

no one thinking about you AGAIN Angry

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2013 21:13

Well done!
Stick to your guns ( and give BiL a right earful when you next see him)..

I think the nastiness re your parents is enough to put your foot down even further to be honest.

doctorhamster · 14/03/2013 21:14

I actually want to maim your bil and sil.

Stay strong op, you're doing fantastically.

HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2013 21:14

your ILs obviously don't like being asked to help, do they?

beginnings · 14/03/2013 21:15

Well done!

And again, she's not a toy.

Stay strong curious. We're all with you.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 21:15

Yet again he is thinking of his mum over you Hmm

Stick to your guns, whenever he mentions it calmly repeat that it isn't happening, and if he starts bleating about "poor mummy" remind him that as she isn't the one having major abdominal surgery and having a baby, that you take priority.

beginnings · 14/03/2013 21:16

Oh and how precious is SIL being about her wedding! She certainly needs to find her grip.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 21:16

Refuse to discuss it anymore, if they keep on, get your mum on the case, because that whole shitty family is taking you for a fucking mug, whilst pregnant, moving and covering from surgery.

Show this to your DH.

Grow up love, and listen to your wife, shes having a shit time now because of you, man up and tell mummy or daddy to find somewhere else. Or do you prefer your wife and unborn under lots of stress, does a stressed mother and baby mean less to you, if thats the case, you need a stern talking too.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 14/03/2013 21:17

Also both DH and BIL sound like wet blankets.

zwischenzug · 14/03/2013 21:18

Good stuff, sounds like you handled it well (ie telling him where to go).

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 21:21

DH is never usually like this. He's usually a brilliant husband and really sticks up for me. He even had an argument with my mum once about DD's controlled crying and she is seriously scary Wink

That's what's making this so frustrating. It's like he actually cant see my side and really thinks I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 14/03/2013 21:21

See, SIL can say "no way" and BIL accepts. Because of a party wedding. You're having a baby!

Or could try the same approach, tell PILs that you've discussed it at home and they're staying with BIL after all. It will be fine, surely SIL can just send mum home earlier, or she can sleep on the sofa. Wonder how BIL and SIL would like that..