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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
RapunzelAteMyHamster · 14/03/2013 18:14

You can't let him steam roller you into talking. I agree with auntpetunia, you need to tell him there is nothing to talk about and it's not happening or he's going to try and steam roller you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2013 18:24

"Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work."
And for THAT ^ - that piddling piece of snobby look-at-us-playing-the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL pomposity Angry - they want YOU to host them at a time that is very special for you? And your fuckwitted husband is backing them up? If they want to play the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL, then they can play it to YOU and just fuck off elsewhere while you get some privacy and time with your newborn.

50shadesofmeh · 14/03/2013 18:27

Having had a c section I can say I was a crazy scary woman after it and felt like stabbing anyone who darkened my door, and that was only brief visitors.
The thought of hosting for other people on my house makes me feel very stressed and angry I just couldn't do it under any circumstances .
I've 2 weeks till my due date and love my own space just now so for the sake of your sanity OP tell them to bugger off.

Something like that could trigger off post natal depression.

LadyPessaryPam · 14/03/2013 18:30

The OP could just refuse to leave the hospital till they have gone maybe Wink

clam · 14/03/2013 18:32

Why can't they defer the whole building project until after BIL/SIL's wedding?

Skygirls · 14/03/2013 18:36

I second the motion of sending a reply to DH saying

'There will be nothing to discuss later as your parents are NOT staying here. I have tried to explain the reasons to you, but you have disregarded my welfare/feelings in favour of pleasing your parents.
If you don't care about my well being and the well being of your unborn child, by putting me through all this stress, then I am taking care of myself.

This is non-negotiable. The answer is NO!
If you don't tell your parents that they will have to make other arrangements, then I will take matters into my own hands.'

curious I do realise that it is easier for all of us to say this but much harder for you to do, but if you don't stand up to DH and PIL now, they will always take advantage. Read some of the other 'evil mil' threads on here to see what you could be in for.

Lots of luck..... Be strong! We're all rooting for you and for a favourable outcome Thanks

DontmindifIdo · 14/03/2013 18:40

Whereyouleftit - this is a good point, if your SIL and BIL want the work done so your PIL can host an event for them, then they should put up PILs, if not then PIL should put the work back. Or pay for venue hire if that would be cheaper than renting a place for a month while they have the work done.

thezebrawearspurple · 14/03/2013 18:42

Skygirls said what I was going to say.

MerylStrop · 14/03/2013 18:47

Holy f

If they can afford all this work they can afford a temporary let or a hotel

You cannot be expected to deal with this.

Your BIL and SIL need to GET A GRIP

Corygal · 14/03/2013 18:56

I suspect PIL as dodgy/useless merely from the fact that they are assuming they're coming for A MONTH virtually before the baby's born.

I mean, come on.

So how do you get rid? Can you partly bin them - offer them a week, say. Or could you tell them you simply won't be well enough to take guests?

Maybe just ask BIL for his ideas - because dumping on you wasn't his greatest yet.

MadamFolly · 14/03/2013 19:14

Hope you have had a good talk OP

AllOverIt · 14/03/2013 19:17

Watching with interest. I've been Angry on your behalf all day OP. Hope you find some resolution tonight.

Inertia · 14/03/2013 19:25

You could try calling BIL back yourself. Explain that there is no chance that you will be able to accommodate the PIL at that time so BIL needs to find another plan, as it's his plans that have changed.

Between them they can rethink PIL's renovation dates, whether SIL's mum stays at the same time, whether PIL moves out, or whether the wedding is hosted somewhere other than PIL's house- but the one thing that cannot be moved is the birth of your child. Everything else can be worked around, but the baby cannot hang on for wedding favours to be chosen, or the patio to be finished.

Inertia · 14/03/2013 19:26

Where does SIL's mum live? Can PIL house sit at SIL's mum's house?

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 14/03/2013 19:29

I am so angry on your behalf that they have even contemplated intruding on you at this time and that your DH is in agreement.

There is no need to stay with you for a month. We had our house rewired while I was pregnant - I stayed with my parents for 3 days and DH stayed in our house. We had central heating put in with a newborn and only our bedroom was habitable. It was doable and none of us decamped.

Blimey, they could borrow a tent and camp in their garden! What they cannot do is stay with you. It sounds as though they haven't even considered other options - just want to swoop in on your newborn.

Hope you get reassurance tonight that this will not happen.

Bicnod · 14/03/2013 19:30

OP this thread has made me so cross on your behalf.

Really hope your 'D'H sees sense tonight.

Grrrr.

It is not in any way your problem that your PIL don't have anywhere to stay. They have oodles of options, they just don't want to take them.

And saying they can't postpone/change the schedule of work on the house because it would impact on SIL's post-wedding party - just ShockAngry Fuck the fucking wedding party - if it's so important to SIL then she can host them while the fecking work is done!!

Bodicea · 14/03/2013 19:42

YANBU
I think you need to stand your ground. You don't get to experience having a baby very often in a lifetime and you need to feel comfortable in your own home.
Get your DH to man up and have words with them. Hopefully if they are reasonable, they will take the hint and understand. If they can afford to get all this work done on the house surely they can afford a hotel for a few weeks.
My husband, when newly single and we were in early stages of dating, was thrown out of his brother's house by his pregnant wife just before Christmas as she wanted her own space back. ( and no I didn't let him stay at mine - it was way too soon) He still whinges about it but I totally get why she did it.
Pregnancy card trumps everything else me thinks!

nilbyname · 14/03/2013 19:44

`i really hope you have managed to hash this out with DH and come to some sort of agreement.

Poor you. I have had 2 c-sections. House guests? No farking way.

Bodicea · 14/03/2013 19:47

Wow just realised ho long this thread is. I only read the first page!!! hope you sort soon xx

TarkaTheOtter · 14/03/2013 20:02

Not much to add as I agree with everyone else - YADNBU!
Just hope your h starts to see it too.

I hope you have some support you can rely on in real life op. Someone to back you up.

Also, does your h have a friend with children who could point out how ridiculous the idea is?

beginnings · 14/03/2013 20:09

Goodness me YANBU.

I agree with others. No is a complete sentence.

Tell your DH that no-one, anywhere, agrees with him. And I don't give a flying wotsit how much his DM wants to play with the baby. As I have had to remind my own mother on more than one occasion, SHE IS NOT A TOY!

Really cross for you OP. Hope you get it sorted.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 20:11

I think you do need to talk to your dh about it. You need to tell him exactly how he has made you feel by his behaviour over this. That's what you need to talk about. Have a good think about exactly how he has made you feel and tell him. Don't hold back. Don't feel you have to control your emotions, be rational, consider his feelings etc. Just go for it, get it all out there. He really needs to know that this matters to you. He needs to think about who he loves.

xigris · 14/03/2013 20:12

NO NO NO NO NO!!! YNBU. What a dreadful situation. Sad I've just had DS3, if my ils / DH had even suggested this crazy idea I think I may have exploded. That said, as another MNetter pointed out, it's easy for us to say this, not so easy in RL. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and think it's very unfair that you seem to be the one sorting it out and they say that men rule the world, my arse do they I think there's been a lot of good suggestions on here. Not least showing your husband this thread!

Skullnbones · 14/03/2013 20:20

Shamelessly waiting to find out. OP I hope your talk went ok and YANBU btw

Roseformeplease · 14/03/2013 20:28

No, no and thrice no! Stand firm and we are behind you.

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