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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 14:41

Pickled Shock

"I couldn't give a flying fuck about the toaster" would have been a perfectly reasonable response.

FairyJen · 14/03/2013 14:57

pickled that was very restrained! I would have been right in mils face givin her finger, it probably would've gone right up her fucking nose!

Toaster. Bah!

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 15:06

So, if either you or your mum has a strop at your PILs and they get offended, who will that be a problem for?

If they get offended - result. They won't be visiting until they realise they're not getting to see the new baby, at which point they'll pretend it never happened.

If dh gets upset - tell him to get his priorities right in future so you have no need to offend his parents.

Time to get shouty!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/03/2013 15:07

Ok - caught up now and still not at all unreasonable.

How long do you think it will take you to be unpacked in your new home - you being 9 months pregnant and all? Will your DH help unpacking? This all takes time and is part of the nesting process - having inlaws to stay in the nest isn't.

Can the inlaws not use 2 weeks to go on a cheap holiday abroad (in order to top up their suntans ahead of the wedding)? As one of the others has suggested, why don't you get back in contact with the builders and try and rejig the dates - the only times they actually need to be out of their house is when the plumbing/sewage works has to be done and the house is water tight, right? Then they could work around the builders (and vice versa) once that work has been done.

No one has factored in what would happen if you had the baby early. You would then have a new baby, be moving and still have to entertain your inlaws.

I'd need to go on a holiday after that Smile

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/03/2013 15:09

Oh, and if it's you that talks to them, start with "Unfortunately we are not inviting you to stay because it won't work for us" and counter every response with "you will not be staying with us because it is better for us if you don't". The answer to "but where will go" is "I'm too busy to organise that for you".

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 15:14

Oh god... If I have the baby early it will absolutely be a nightmare!! I'm trying to squeeze in every second with DD as it is...

The 2nd spare room we'll have will be the baby's room eventually... I just won't have any time to get it ready which is a bit sad :(

OP posts:
PickledInAPearTree · 14/03/2013 15:16

Bad isnt it. And she made a snitty comment about my breakfast options.

mistlethrush · 14/03/2013 15:16

DS didn't spend any time in 'his' room until he was 6mo CG - so don't let that add to your stress at the moment!

PickledInAPearTree · 14/03/2013 15:17

Sorry georgie I'm whinging on your thread.

But NO!

Just say no.

Springdiva · 14/03/2013 15:18

Sorry haven't read all 13 pages.
OP, can you move out ie go stay with a friend or your DM?
Can you hire a caravan?
Can you look at them renting a place?
Can the sil and bil take them when their DM goes home?
I would say you get v emotional and upset when near term/ with a new baby/ establishing breastfeeding so can not have people staying end of.

Just the thought of it would wind me up!

Yama · 14/03/2013 15:21

If this were to happen to me I would honestly go and stay with my parents.

It wouldn't happen though. It shouldn't ever happen to a woman with a newborn. Indeed, as I said earlier you shouldn't even have the stress of having to convince your dh to put them off.

Springdiva · 14/03/2013 15:22

Great I see you are being firm - well done!
In the long run (of family relationships) it is by far the most sensible.

HazleNutt · 14/03/2013 15:23

It's all about what everybody else wants.
IL's want to have their house done in a certain order.
They don't want to pay to stay somewhere else.
SIL wants to go shopping with her mum.
MIL wants to play with the baby.
DH doesn't want to say no to his parents.

What about what YOU want? You know, the one who will have a newborn and will be recovering from a major surgery?

ArbitraryUsername · 14/03/2013 15:24

I really want to shake your DH and tell him that it is never a good idea to take the seemingly easy route of pleasing your difficult mother over your wife. This is especially true when your poor wife is about to give birth and will need time to recover, to bond with the new baby and to get used to the new dynamics of life in a family with two children. (Your DD also needs this time because becoming a big sister is a Very Big Deal). It doesn't make any difference how you're feeding the baby.

Just because his mother stamps her foot and demands that she gets to spend (all her) time with the baby, doesn't mean he should say yes. It sounds very much like his parents can afford to stay in a hotel or a short let (given that they've enough money to remodel their house so they can host a party). They can stay nearby and come and visit for well defined, not too long periods. And MIL could use the kitchen in her short let to make some food to bring you all (because that's what you're supposed to do when visiting families with brand new babies: not impose and be bloody helpful). FIL can be completely useless and watch sky sports while she does.

(It isn't always MILs though; unfortunately the architect of my own horror story was my own mother).

VikingLady · 14/03/2013 15:27

Op, there is a good chance you won't be able to go up and downstairs that often. I managed it once per day after me emcs. You just don't know.

IroningBoredDaily · 14/03/2013 15:29

yadnbu

I hope they will all see sense.

Mytimewillcome · 14/03/2013 15:33

I haven't read the whole thread but it seems to me that your MIL has purposely engineered all of this so that it coincides with your delivery date just so that she can be there when the baby is there (sorry if this has already been said). It may be a kill 2 birds with 1 stone situation but its not fair on you.

What annoys me is when mothers are made to feel the least important person in these situations when along with the baby they are the most important.

I haven't got a solution for you but just wanted to add my support.

YADNBU!

MrsMojoRising · 14/03/2013 15:58

Good on you for sending that email. Hope it does the job and your DH mans up.

catsmother · 14/03/2013 16:02

I really really hope your email stops this once and for all - and that you hear no more about it. Of course the ultimate goal is that PILs don't come, but I'm fearful that both your DH and them are going to resent you as a result of you - more than justifiably - putting your foot down. The best possible scenario is that DH realises how unfair they've all been to you, apologises profusely with much grovelling and a big bunch of flowers and makes it very very clear to his parents that them not coming is a joint decision. I'll keep my fingers crossed that that happens.

WoTmania · 14/03/2013 16:06

Just partly skim read the thread.
I like your e-mail - to the point and clear. I would also be saying a loud 'No' to this. You don't need to justify or explain. You are having major abdominal surgery and have a 2yo to deal with as well that in itself let alone adding a hosue move tot he mix.

AllOverIt · 14/03/2013 16:08

Have you had a reply OP?

LadyPessaryPam · 14/03/2013 16:16

Could you get a note from your doctor or something? A HCP might 'forbid' them coming and then no-one in the family is to blame or loses face.

doctorhamster · 14/03/2013 16:20

Have been keeping an eye on this thread all day. I hope you're ok op and ww3 hasn't broken out following your email.

Have you spoken to your mw about the situation? Maybe she could have a stern word in Dh's ear?

jellybeans · 14/03/2013 16:24

YANBU. I would never agree to it. ILs never stay with us, luckily we don't have the room but other relatives do. I am still resentful that they were round almost all the time with DC1 though and didn't want to help me but to take the baby for themselves. Do not agree to it. You don't have to at all.

AlistairSim · 14/03/2013 16:33
Shock
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