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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
3rdnparty · 14/03/2013 13:13

Seriously you have to say no, maybe you have to do it directly to mil/fil - if they haven't asked then maybe you should raise it at the weekend.

Ask them directly where they are going to be staying whilst sil mum there?...put them on the spot...it may/maybe not hard depending how your hormones are at the weekend but don't let it fester - if they start making assumptions as dp wont say anything the result will be worse....seriously this is not good for you all the worrying about it never mind it actually happenning....just say no

Emilythornesbff · 14/03/2013 13:15

Ok, on reflection and after seeing that they're are not super lovely (in fact, seem a bit nightmarish) I change my vote to YADNBU!

What to do about it though?
Good luck.

claudedebussy · 14/03/2013 13:17

look you're being far too reasonable.

don't compromise. don't have them at all.

it's not your problem. you tell your dh 'no way josé'.

and this weekend when they say 'oh we'll be staying at yours.'

you say:

'oh didn't dh tell you? it's impossible i'm afraid.'

and then don't say anything else except to repeat that sentence.

start practicing now.

madonnawhore · 14/03/2013 13:17

You're the one who will have just had major surgery. You're the one whose body will be going absolutely bananas for a while. YOU get to decide what happens. Not DH and not the bloody ILs.

You're going to have to say no when you see them. Who gives a fuck if they think you're the bad guy.

ivykaty44 · 14/03/2013 13:19

there are plenty of places this couple could go and stay - but they don't want to .

They are not short of money having all this work done to the house - they could book a holiday home, they could go away on holiday, they could hire a canal boat, they could use a caravan somewhere nice for three week. Plenty of places this couple could go.

No they want in on this baby and they don't give a sh*t about this mother bonding with her child or the father getting plenty of time to play with the other child on her own - having daddy to yourself when a new born comes along would be lovely.

tell your dh you will go and stay in a rented holiday let for the month with both your dd's and that way his parents can have the house to themselves and it ends the problem Wink

FierceBadIggi · 14/03/2013 13:21

I know a few families who have had major work done on their homes (lucky bastards). In each case they have arranged a short term rental.
I think having them for a short time, pre-birth, might be reasonable. But not what they are proposing. Imagining your dh home for a month post-birth, and them both there as well - not good.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 14/03/2013 13:23

Yes, maybe head it off at the pass when you see them OP. Something along the lines of "would you like any help looking for a short term let?"

tangerinefeathers · 14/03/2013 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 14/03/2013 13:24

If you've been issued with a statement you need to issue one right back delivered with a 'what a ludicrous suggestion!' face. I would go into lots of detail as well to make them as uncomfortable as possible. So:

'Of course you can't stay - I'll be naked from the waist down airing my C section scar to help it heal. I'll be bleeding a lot and need my personal space. DD will be watching CBeebies so there'll be no sky sports and to make sure our dog doesn't associate being sent away with the new baby, he will be in the house with full access to all rooms so he knows he's part of the family. It's obviously not going to work!'

If this gets an offer of 'help' then say, 'Surely it's most important that as a mother I bond with the baby? You see that don't you? Because your current plan to be in our personal space while we're bonding and while I'm recovering from a major physical trauma will really prevent that happening. We get on very well, lets not put our relationship at risk.'

Although actually if you give reasons, you sometimes give people an opportunity to find answers.

So a steely glare and just, 'your plan to stay with us isn't going to work'. Might be better. No explanations.

Both options will cause ruffled feathers but I think it's better than the massive rift that would occur if they stay.

tangerinefeathers · 14/03/2013 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 14/03/2013 13:26

You need to call the PIL. Your H won't .

It would be absolute madness - you are having a major surgery and a baby, moving house, getting married, and attending another wedding.

I think I'd go from the angle of ringing MIL and telling her about the absolutely insane idea BIL has had about the clash of dates, he's suggested that PIL come to you , isn't BIL a fool for suggesting such an untenable solution? Gosh, just imagine how bored FIL would be with no TV at all, and it would be ever so uncomfortable for him having to sit there with you with your boobs out because it's so painful while your milk is coming in and you aren't BF, and when the MW comes round to examine your stitches and bleeding.

And of course as you won't have any functioning spare rooms until everything has been unpacked they would have to sleep on the floor in the living room- for 8 weeks, just imagine! Especially when you're in the same room with them in the early hours of the morning with a crying newborn, because you can't let the baby wake DS.

Do not let this happen.

ChasedByBees · 14/03/2013 13:27

Ooh I'm much more of a cow than tangerinefeathers Grin

Tailtwister · 14/03/2013 13:28

No, no, no! Absolutely, completely and utterly not!

I don't care how helpful they are. It's an imposition and very unfair on you.

This is what I would do (in this order);

  1. Contact BIL/SIL and ask them to change their MIL plans and have them stay.
  2. If that doesn't work, speak to PIL directly (your DH, not you) and say it's just not possible for them to stay and that they need to look at alternative arrangements.
  3. Your DH needs to do the above ASAP! The longer he leaves it the more distressing it is for you and the harder it will be to sort out. YOU are the priority. There's no way you should have to put up with house guests just after giving birth or before.

I know it's hard OP, but I really feel you must put your foot down over this. If I was your SIL I would be fighting your corner and doing all I could to ensure they stayed with me.

Good luck and stand your ground!

tangerinefeathers · 14/03/2013 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nilbyname · 14/03/2013 13:30

You need to break it down for him and totally spell or out. No anger, no shouting just the facts.

His family staying at your family home post c section is not happening. It's a flat no, and you are she need to work out how up say that to pils. If he does not accept that and won't support that....then there is a huge fucking problem. I would let him stew on that and if he won't speak to them I. The next 48 hours, then you will.

Blu · 14/03/2013 13:33

People (ILs, DHs) just don't seem to understand the need for a feeling of nesting and privacy that having a newborn brings with it.

Having a newborn and recovery fom a CS is a TERRIBLE time to have a house full of guests unless they are people that you feel a need to have with you. It isn't a question of 'would they put you up?' or their practicalities.

How to get this over to your DH, though.....

In truth, if he is off for 4 weeks and has them in the house I bet he will go stir crazy. And the next thing will be 'well as MIL is here to help, I may as well take on this work project...'

I would never in a million years expect to stay with anyone during the period of birth and newborn. Never!

Sorry you have all this to deal with.

FairyJen · 14/03/2013 13:33

This really does need dealing with ASAP. From your ils pov I would imagine it would be less stressful and cheaper to book this alternative accommodation in advance rather than at the last minute so really you would be doing them a favour by putting your foot down now

Squitten · 14/03/2013 13:34

You need to stop being so passive and get ACTIVE in all this OP, otherwise this is going to happen whether you like it or not!

TELL your DH it's no happening - no compromises, no negotiations, you WILL NOT have guests in the house. End of. Tell him to pick up the phone and tell them immediately and, if he won't, do it yourself.

If you don't speak up for yourself, none of those selfish twats are going to bother listening to you

Skinnydecafflatte · 14/03/2013 13:42

Goodness I am worried on your behalf. I rarely comment on threads but this has incensed me.

I am due in mid August and although my inlaws are pretty inoffensive (they are staying in people who take over the sofa and tv when they come to visit) I am worried that they will want to come and stay for a few days immediately when dc2 arrives. They live seven hours away so can't just pop by. I am worrying about just a few days so I can't even imagine what a month or so would be like.

No, no and once again NO!!!!

ArtexMonkey · 14/03/2013 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic · 14/03/2013 13:48

It sounds like your DH has a lack of respect for you. There's no way that my DP would ever contemplate inviting people to stay without discussing it with me first, before any invitations are issued.

And expecting that they stay for all the reasons already discussed shows he's putting your needs last when they should be at the top of his priority list.

I think you really are going to have to get vocal and make it clear that it's not happening.

someoftheabove · 14/03/2013 13:48

I think the best idea is to speak directly to your ILs, as your DH is clearly not going to challenge them on your behalf. When you do, try this: "I can see you're disappointed, but I need you to understand that you can't stay with us. When you're feeling less upset, we can talk again and maybe I can help you find alternative arrangements".

Do not be emotionally blackmailed - try to stay detached. Easy for me to say, I know.

FierceBadIggi · 14/03/2013 13:50

That's a good point Artex they might just not go - I change my mind about letting them stay at all, easier too to get a let for a slightly longer period I'd imagine.
My dm is a great help with babies, but I remember dh saying he would cut short his PL if she stayed on, as he just wasn't getting a look in regarding looking after the newborn.

Magimedi · 14/03/2013 13:52

Just adding my resounding NO to everyone elses.

If they can afford all the work to the house they can afford to find somewhere to rent for a couple of months.

Or maybe they could do a housesitting job.

But it's their problem, not yours. Your house, your CS, you have the absolute right to refuse.

RooneyMara · 14/03/2013 13:54

Oh god I really hope you can sort this out. I am really sorry for you.