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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
FairyJen · 14/03/2013 12:57

Pm me ils phone number. I'll tell them how twatty and unreasonable they are being! Grin

HorraceTheOtter · 14/03/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaterfallsOver · 14/03/2013 12:58

Yanbu. The answer has to be NO they cannot stay. The cheek of some people.

PureQuintessence · 14/03/2013 12:58

Why dont you tell him he can do what he wants, as the moment they arrives you will be off to your own parents to put your feet up.

He can host his parents!

Tell him if he is not careful there will not be a house-move together and he will have to deal with a 50/50 custody split instead, as you wont spend your future battling him over his lacking spine when it comes to his parents.

Gosh, I am so angry for you.

RobotHamster · 14/03/2013 12:58

You can't let them anywhere near your new house - once they're in you won't getrid of them!

Just say no!

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/03/2013 12:58

FairyJen, if you're any good at acting you could pretend to be her very concerned midwife Grin

diddl · 14/03/2013 12:59

"DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."

Because she's a fucking adult, not a child about to get a new toy.

I wouldn't compromise as I don't think that they would move out-nor would your husband ask them to.

Tell him if they move in-you move out!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2013 12:59

"Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think."
Ah, an opportunity! Smile Time to make it harder, OP - a lot harder ...

PureQuintessence · 14/03/2013 12:59

"Have you actually said yes to them yet?

If not, no need for a strop in the first instance. Just say that it's out of the question for all of the very, very good reasons that exist."

Yes. Just say "I know you are under the impression that you will stay with us, but that is because your son has no spine and have not yet told you that this is out of the question for a number of reasons I wont discuss"

Loa · 14/03/2013 13:01

I've been so excited to have a month straight of DH, visitors we invite, DD seeing her dad and playing with him for a month straight, not just a bath before bedtime, and I'm gutted actually.

Have you actually said that to your DH? Perhaps if you sell it as time he'd be missing out on as well - time that could be wasted to rows and running round after his parents and point out his parents have several other options available - he'll be more amenable?

Say a polite and firm no to his parents - when you see them as well - or get stroppy.

It took years for my DH to say no to his parents - I said no instead till he finally got there. I cared less if they didn't like me.

diddl · 14/03/2013 13:03

Oh and as for his thinking re the bfeeding-can I say heartless bastardAngry

And it sounds as if it would be very much a case of "pass the parcel baby".

gymmummy64 · 14/03/2013 13:03

When I recovered from my CS I wasn't cooking meals for anyone, I was recovering from a major operation and it took ages. Some people bounce back very quickly, others don't and I was definitely an 'other'.

So does your DP appreciate that he would be doing the catering for his parents and for you and for DC1? Not to mention the tidying up and cleaning - all the picking up and bending, all the lugging the hoover around? Because you certainly won't. Oh and the shopping and the driving of course because you won't be driving for a few weeks. And that all of these tasks will be a much greater overhead with 2 extra layabouts people in the house?

And of course if you're 'upstairs' sleeping/bonding/trying to get some space then he will be responsible for keeping DC1 quiet so his lovely father can watch back to back sports.

Plus doing all this with a stressed, tired wife who is in pain.

Has he really understood what this would be like?

FairyJen · 14/03/2013 13:04

head I could!! My dm is a hv so I know all the lingo etc... Grin

catsmother · 14/03/2013 13:04

I know you shouldn't have to do this - not at all - but are there any sympathetic friends or relatives of PILs you know well enough to speak to about this, who, in theory have the space to put them up and who might be willing to consider doing so ??

I know it's a big ask - both for you (by having to broach the subject at all) and for whoever might end up with them - but if it were possible to say to them "you don't need to stay here, Alan and Barbara are happy to have you stay" it would presumably take the wind out of DH's sails as you couldn't be accused of "throwing them onto the street" or whatever.

Of course, it would also reveal - once and for all - their real motivation in making such a ludicrous suggestion if DH and/or MIL then started to object to them staying at Alan & Barbaras wouldn't it ? They'd no longer have the "homeless" excuse to beat you with. And then you could say, guilt-free, that they were "welcome" (though bet you don't feel very welcoming right now) to visit and see new baby (when it suited you) which would be fair enough.

thezebrawearspurple · 14/03/2013 13:05

I wouldn't go to their house this weekend because they could use the opportunity to gang up on you and bully you into submission. Just say no and mean it. Say it directly to pil now, call your mil immediately and tell her they're not welcome and to change building schedule or find other accommodation.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 13:05

Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work.

I've not said yes technically because there hasn't been a question, it was just decided as there was no alternative Hmm

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 14/03/2013 13:06

Diddl is right. What he said about you breast feeding was really thoughtless.

madonnawhore · 14/03/2013 13:07

Wow, you weren't even consulted?!

Time to go stratospheric.

MumofWombat · 14/03/2013 13:07

I live in Australia and I am due to have a csection for DC2 in 14 days. My parents have arrived from the UK to stay with us.
I know there will be times when the will irritate the bejesus out of me, but so far they have totally taken over cooking, washing up, laundry, hoovering, making tea and delivering glasses of water, tidying up DSs toys etc to give me a break. I did actually cook yesterday, but only because they were bathing DS and clearing up after the mess he managed to make of spaghetti with a tomato sauce (he was covered head to toe...).
They have also taken DSs baby monitor so they get up to him in the morning to give me a chance to sleep in, as well as babysitting (I spent 6 hours at hospital today having various tests - I'm not having an easy pregnancy). They are also insisting that DH and I have a chance to have a 'date' this week.
Once we are home from hospital and DH is on paternity leave, they are planning a road trip so that we get a chance to bond as a foursome without them being here.
This weekend it's a Grand Prix weekend, which my Dad is obsessed with, however, I know in a heartbeat he would turn the tv over so DS could watch in the night garden if he wanted. Although actually DS will probably enjoy watching the cars race around the track!
As I said earlier, there will be times they irritate me, but they are here to help us rather than hinder us. They have thought about how to help. I am constantly being told to sit down, to put my feet up, do I need a drink or a snack etc. They are also making DHs life easier as he can go to cricket practice without feeling guilty at all!
Late pregnancy, a csection and baby bonding is an emotional, difficult time. You only need people around you who are there for you. If your inlaws can't step up then they can't stay. And that's all there is to it.
Oh, and we have a cat whom my Mum is not at all keen on. But she is feeding her, changing her water etc. No consideration given at all of the cat going elsewhere....

Ginformation · 14/03/2013 13:08

I have been pondering over this all morning OP, still completely enraged about your situation. I was going to ask if your ILs could stay with your parents, but I see that not possible. Surely your ILs have some friends somewhere they could stay with?

I would suggest approaching your MIL directly to talk it over- maybe suggest a shopping day to get bits for new baby then you can talk on neutral ground without other family members interjecting? Maybe she will understand if you explain your position. She has probably assumed that you will be grateful for the extra pair of hands to justify her imposition. Do not rely on dh to relay your concerns, there is a danger they will be brushed away if you are not involved with the discussion.

someoftheabove · 14/03/2013 13:08

Have so changed my mind about this since I posted this morning because it seems it's not now just about having unwanted guests at the worst possible time. It's about you being supported by your DH to assert your right to have your needs and wishes put right at the top of the list.

No-one else in this scenario has anywhere near as much right as you to decide what happens. Not your ILs, not your SIL / BIL, not even your 'D'H.

If it helps, what I do when I know a conversation is going to be difficult is I become like a broken record and would just say, "It's such a shame we can't put you up, but there you go, these things happen when you have major building work. If the baby wasn't coming at the same time, we would of course put you up. But the baby is coming and we can't put you up.".

And I agree with comingintomyown that you mustn't even think of saying sorry. Just banish the word from your head. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Loa · 14/03/2013 13:09

it was just decided as there was no alternative

Then a good way of avoiding it is to firmly state no to them they can't stop and oh look here are all your other options.

AllYoursBabooshka · 14/03/2013 13:11

You want to recover from surgery and have a peaceful, private time after giving birth. There is no alternative.

They will survive. As Horrace rightly said, this isn't your problem.

Andro · 14/03/2013 13:11

I may have missed it somewhere in the thread, but there appears to be a MN favourite missing...

No is a complete sentence!

Failing that, dissolves into tears during a discussion about this - sob your way through the explanation of how you were looking forward to time with just the 4 of you etc.

HeathRobinson · 14/03/2013 13:11

MumofWombat - what lovely parents you have. Smile