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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed when the MIL reads any greetings cards we have?

129 replies

PureedGoodness · 13/03/2013 07:51

She always does it. I dont mind so much with general xmas cards or birthday cards off friends/relatives (even though i do still think she is being a nosey cow). But when she homes in on reading our valentines cards my dp and i have given each other and our xmas cards we give each other (she would know they would be ones my dp and i would have given each other with it saying things like "to the one i love" or "to my fiancee" on the front. Yesterday she came round and my mothers day cards were out (my ds is only 7 months - got two off my ds and one off my cats lol) so she would have known my dp would have personalised them on my ds behalf so she would have known they would have been soppy!

I find it really rude that she reads our cards which are private to each other as they do contain some soppy stuff in them. Or in the past when we have had problems we have wrote things like "sorry for our recent problems and lets make sure this next year is better" etc etc if you get what i mean.

I have the cards in our lounge so we can see them and do not want to take the cards down just for when she visits as i normally keep my cards up for 5-7 days (depending on the occasion).

Am i being unreasonable being annoyed that she thinks it acceptable reading our private messages to each other about how much we love each other etc etc?? Its embarressing that she reads our private feelings. Or am i just been miserable cow?

I should write something naughty in a card for him like what i am going to do to him in the bedroom ...... that may stop her reading our cards from now on!! I would never dream of picking up and reading her and fils cards to each other. Or anyones cards!

OP posts:

drjohnsonscat · 13/03/2013 19:09

How could anyone actually care? Letters of course are private but things on display on the mantlepiece I would assume are for people to see. I thought this was precisely what a mantlepiece was for - but clearly am an incipient MIL.

But beyond that, I really can't see what the problem is. How dreadful is it for her to see your DP writes you a nice message on mother's day on behalf of DS?

clam · 13/03/2013 19:15

I don't mind in the slightest if people read cards that are out on display in the sitting room. What pisses me off, however, is when my dad leaves them all crooked with the innards showing and the outer display out of sight.

MidnightMasquerader · 13/03/2013 21:52

But why - WHY?! - do people want to read cards that are not to them, nor from them?!

I can't see any reason for this, other than nosiness.

I'd be too embarrassed to ever pick someone eles's card up and read it because I'd assume the card owner would think I was a beaking busybody. I'm aghast that other people don't realise this!

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 21:57

I think things on a mantlepiece are for looking at, as in looking at the picture, in the same way you'd look at a picture on the wall. You wouldn't remove a picture on the wall and turn it over to look at the back and to me picking up a card and reading the inside is similar. Look at it fine, just don't look in it or fiddle with it, it's not yours..

Pagwatch · 13/03/2013 21:59

Oh don't be ridiculous.
It's not nosiness and attributing it to being middle class or not is just crass.

Some people think they are to be admired, some don't. It probably depends on lots of things including family habits and customs.

MidnightMasquerader · 13/03/2013 22:04

Well, I am crass, there's no denying that.

How is it not nosiness, though? The message is from someone (who's not you) to someone (who's not you); how is it your (generic) business?

Pagwatch · 13/03/2013 22:07

Because some people put them up in the expectation that they will be enjoyed and admired by family and friends.

If it is not what your family do, want or expect then I can understand that. But some people regard saying 'oh look, what a lovely card from x for your birthday/anniversary ' as normal and indeed polite.

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 22:08

I don't see how looking at someone else's cards is anything other than nosiness. You are trying to find out information that is nothing to do with you. Reading someone else's cards is like reading someone else's emails. If you are a visitor in the house why would you do it?

Pagwatch · 13/03/2013 22:10

No, it's not for everyone.

It might be for you. But not everyone feels as you do.
Staggering I know. But there it is.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 22:17

All we have established is that some people think that cards on display are there for everyone to look at, and some think they are private. Since you can't know which category visitors fall into the answer is not to have them on display, if you don't want them looked at- or tell visitors they are private. OP knows what will happen and so she needs to choose which to do- it has been happening for some years so it won't stop if she doesn't do anything differently.

MidnightMasquerader · 13/03/2013 22:18

I don't think I've ever noticed anyone reading our cards on the mantlepiece. They must wait until I'm out of the room to do their furtive beaking...

Yfronts · 13/03/2013 22:18

I never read cards in other peoples houses but I think you need to have them up in your bedroom or study instead if you don't want them read generally.

In your next card put something about his huge cock, his wearing of your dresses and great sex?

TheRealFellatio · 14/03/2013 05:37

I don't really care if people read my cards, but if they had very personal messages inside then I would remove them before they could be read by anyone I didn't want to see them.

Just after Valentine's Day I went to a friends house for coffee and cake. She had laid it all out on the counter, (there were a few of us) and there, right next to the coffee stuff were their Valentine's cards to one another - each with an essay written inside. They have just had their first twin babies after years of trying, so I can imagine they were feeling very gooey with love. I would have LOVED to have read the cards, but I didn't dare pick them up - and yet they were there almost as if she wanted us to look, if that makes sense. But she is a very cool person, not at all attention seeking or schmaltzy, so I was really surprised they were so obviously on view.

I can remember the days when DH and I used to write long love essays to one another. I kept them all for years, and then found them a few years ago in a box. I was HORRIFIED at how disgustingly, embarrassingly in love we were, and I threw them all away. God forbid we should die and our children would find them one day and go 'OMG mother and father, get a grip, you pair of cheesy losers'.

Sirzy · 14/03/2013 07:14

It's only like reading someone's email if they leave it on the computer screen for all to see.

littlemisssarcastic · 14/03/2013 07:56

I agree with OP. Just because something is on display in my house doesn't mean its an open invitation for guests to read. I think guests should ask. Cards put up in my house were not addressed to them, so why would guests think it was ok to pluck them from the shelf, open them up and read them?
If your of the opinion that cards left on display are fair game for anyone to read, does that also apply to letters? Or anything else sent to me?
It's not difficult to ask.

MidnightMasquerader · 14/03/2013 08:02

It's only like reading someone's email if they leave it on the computer screen for all to see.

Yes, if the attention-seeking bastids leave the screen up for all to see, they can hardly be surprised if people get their binoculars out, pull up a comfy chair and have a good old squizz, can they?

What an insight this thread is.

littlemisssarcastic · 14/03/2013 08:03

And I would be very pissed off if i nipped out of a room and returned to find my guest reading my emails, just because I had left my computer open.
My house isn't a public building, so why shouldn't I have anything personal in my living area? For the odd time nosy guests visit? Seriously? Are some of you suggesting I modify where I display things, not display them where i want to in my home unless I am happy for other people to read them?
I don't create a display for guests, I have things on display for myself.

littlemisssarcastic · 14/03/2013 08:05

exoticfruits · 14/03/2013 08:14

The problem is that you have no control- I put things on display but you have to accept that it might be read. If you really don't want it read keep it private.

MidnightMasquerader · 14/03/2013 08:18

We have no control because the beakers have no self-control...

exoticfruits · 14/03/2013 08:22

It seems to take people a long time to understand that the only person you can control is yourself! Even if you ask MIL not to read them you can't know that she won't have a crafty look when you are not in the room.
It doesn't really matter whether you should or you shouldn't - if it bothers you - keep it private- as demonstrated there is a split between those who think it acceptable and those who don't.

Pagwatch · 14/03/2013 08:24

Hahahahaha

Yes . Dear mum , happy birthday love jim.
Fucking riveting. I sometimes just try to make friends with people so I can cop a look at some of those.

drjohnsonscat · 14/03/2013 09:42

at pagwatch

Mine are all deeply personal.

"Dear antie johnson, thank you for my present, love from nephew johnson"

and "We tried to leave a parcel but you were out"

and memorably one year "Happy birthday love from Blockbusters".

Also I would like to award therealfellatio for the MN award for utter lack of preciousness for this:

I kept them all for years, and then found them a few years ago in a box. I was HORRIFIED at how disgustingly, embarrassingly in love we were, and I threw them all away. God forbid we should die and our children would find them one day and go 'OMG mother and father, get a grip, you pair of cheesy losers'

Some people would have immediately organised a ceremony to renew their vows, the centrepiece of which would have been you reading your letters to each other in front of a full audience of uncles and aunts and children. No doubt you would have had wild flowers in your hair.

TheRealFellatio · 14/03/2013 09:59

Nah. That's not my style. I am useless at ostentatious emotion.
(I am cringeing at that thought - if DH and I ever renew our vows there'll probably be just me and him there.)

Have you seen that film Hope Springs? It's a fabulous film, completely fabulous BUT SHOULD ON NO ACCOUNT BE WATCHED WITH YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU ARE OVER 45. There is an excruciating vowel renewal scene at the end of that. All I could think of was that their children would need therapy afterwards.

Pagwatch · 14/03/2013 10:01

I can see it DrJohnsonscat!

They could do the Sting thing where he leads her into the ceremony on a horse.

Can we do that Fell. You would look fetching indeed.

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