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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed when the MIL reads any greetings cards we have?

129 replies

PureedGoodness · 13/03/2013 07:51

She always does it. I dont mind so much with general xmas cards or birthday cards off friends/relatives (even though i do still think she is being a nosey cow). But when she homes in on reading our valentines cards my dp and i have given each other and our xmas cards we give each other (she would know they would be ones my dp and i would have given each other with it saying things like "to the one i love" or "to my fiancee" on the front. Yesterday she came round and my mothers day cards were out (my ds is only 7 months - got two off my ds and one off my cats lol) so she would have known my dp would have personalised them on my ds behalf so she would have known they would have been soppy!

I find it really rude that she reads our cards which are private to each other as they do contain some soppy stuff in them. Or in the past when we have had problems we have wrote things like "sorry for our recent problems and lets make sure this next year is better" etc etc if you get what i mean.

I have the cards in our lounge so we can see them and do not want to take the cards down just for when she visits as i normally keep my cards up for 5-7 days (depending on the occasion).

Am i being unreasonable being annoyed that she thinks it acceptable reading our private messages to each other about how much we love each other etc etc?? Its embarressing that she reads our private feelings. Or am i just been miserable cow?

I should write something naughty in a card for him like what i am going to do to him in the bedroom ...... that may stop her reading our cards from now on!! I would never dream of picking up and reading her and fils cards to each other. Or anyones cards!

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 13/03/2013 09:55

I didn't know it was a rude thing to do! I sometimes read other people's cards - not in a sneaky way but right in front of them - because I thought they were 'on display' and therefore there to be looked at.

Do you not like your MIL much, per chance?

MrsWolowitz · 13/03/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 09:58

I don't read other people's cards, but the kids pick up and read any cards (fair enough it's their house too ) and I don't regard cards put out as private. Having said that if anyone did read cards and I didn't want them to I'd ask them not to and tell them the cards were sent to us.
Any adult wandering into our bedroom to look for cards would be shooed out and asked not to wander into my bedroom. That is very rude, if a parent had done that and explained they were looking for my valentines card they'd have been told firmly it was none of their business.
If you don't want people to look at your cards it's easy to just politely say "I'd rather you didn't look at our cards some of them have personal messages in them"

Thingiebob · 13/03/2013 10:04

I think it is really rude and wouldn't dream of picking up a card and reading the inside of it. They are there to admire the front design.

Then again, if it is really private I wouldn't have it on display.

HorryIsUpduffed · 13/03/2013 10:06

Tape them shut and display them like that, eg on ribbons or high shelves. Then it's clear you're sharing the picture, not the message.

tiggerishtom · 13/03/2013 10:15

YANBU!

Its Rude, Rude, Rude, to read cards you you are not the recipient of, and i am always appalled when people do this!

However if you really mind, and you know she is is going to do it, then move them....wrong I know, but what else you do?

fedupofnamechanging · 13/03/2013 10:16

My mum and mil both do this and I hate it. I take the view that they are on display for me, not for other people to nose through.

Don't think that leaving them in your bedroom will prevent your mil reading them. My mum would quite openly have a nose - I have to hide stuff don't want her to see. Some people are just not very good at observing other people's boundaries - I doubt it would even occur to my mum/mil that I mind them being nosy.

Flobbadobs · 13/03/2013 10:21

YABU I do this to my Mum and MIL, they do it to me, not a big deal at all in this house, the cards are there to be enjoyed by everyone.
I wish MIL would go through my washing and do it for us but she's too poorly to babysit for all 3 of mine and still be upright when we get back.
Period knickers (and washable pads) go straight in the machine here btw!

melika · 13/03/2013 10:23

I'm afraid to say you really can't expect people not to read them. It's human nature. I would be more annoyed if it were a bill or a letter. It's an insight to others about your relationships with close ones. Cards are made to parade!

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 10:24

Why not just say "sorry but I'd rather you didn't read my cards," you'd only have to say it once to each person. If I read someone's cards and they didn't want me too I'd rather they told me than seethed and got upset. What is so awful about just asking someone not to do something that upsets you and is easy to stop?
Some of you do seem to create problems unnecessarily by not just telling people not to do stuff you don't like.

fryingpantoface · 13/03/2013 10:27

I don't read anyone else's cards. I was brought up being told it was rude to do so. When I first married my husband, it really surprised me when my MIL read the cards we got for each other.

squiddle · 13/03/2013 10:28

I idly picked up and read a card on my SIL's mantelpiece once - it was a message from her dh saying how much he enjoyed making love with her. I have never looked at anyone's cards since!

teatrolley · 13/03/2013 10:29

YANBU, I totally agree. Until I found MN I had no idea there were people who thought it was normal to read other people's cards or that having a card out in your living room = 'public display.'

Pagwatch · 13/03/2013 10:32

This isn't about invading peoples privacy - it is about different views of whether a card on display is thought of as private or not. I would never invade anyone's privacy. I am pretty scrupulous about that
Some people see cards on display as an invitation to congratulate/comment/enjoy whilst others see them as private even though they are in an open area. It's just a different interpretation. Unless it is a mil of ourse and then they are additionally boundary ignoring, discusting cowbags.

If I put a card on my shelf it is because I am perfectly welcoming of a 'oh how lovely - ds1 remember mothers day. He's not the twit we thought he was' comment. If a card is private I don't put it on display in a non private place iyswim. I also don't see my bedroom as 'hidden away'. Its a lovely room and i have some of my fav photos in there.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 13/03/2013 10:33

Blimey, our families, friends and even our nosey neighbours have looked at our cards before now! Doesn't bother me - we put any we'd rather not be read in our bedroom. But I do know my PILs wouldn't look if I asked them not to. Why don't you just ask?

Pagwatch · 13/03/2013 10:33

Haaha at squiddle
Not too detailed hopefully.

FriendlyLadybird · 13/03/2013 10:48

Greetings cards on display, like postcards, are fair game. Not that, usually, they're very interesting (with the possible exception of the one that squiddle picked up!). It would be different if they were in your bedroom, or in the living room but still in the envelope. Then you would be sending clear signals that you regarded the contents as private. If you don't want people to read them, don't put them up.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 11:30

I can't see the problem in just asking them not to look. It is quite obvious from the responses that there is a split on it and people can't be expected to know which side you fall unless you tell them. It is no different from the taking shoes off or getting a seat before food in a self service cafe threads.
I tend to discount MN because the other night I offered to take my shoes off for a house proud person with pale carpets and she insisted I kept them on-she said she didn't have room for a pile of shoes.
I don't generally read people's cards (except my mothers because I know most of the people) but I will carry on assuming that they wouldn't take them out of the envelope and put them in public room, on display. Very often you can actually see at a glance anyway without picking up. If you ask people not to you are going to have to make sure that you stay in the room with them the whole time -it isn't worth the hassle -just put elsewhere if it matters to you.

Cleio · 13/03/2013 11:43

I'm not a native English speaker. Thus, cards I and now DD receive from family and many friends tend to be in my own language. After all these years, this very clearly drives MIL crazy. She always makes little comments hinting at wanting a translation, which I always choose to not understand.

She seems to remain hopeful though that my family will start writing to me in English.
In general, I do tend to view cards as private correspondence. They are for the person they are addressed to, who might choose to share. That was how it worked in my family. Have long since accepted that my husbands family looks at these things very differently though.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/03/2013 11:55

Good god, is it really normal to read other people's cards? This thread is a serious revelation to me. I'd be embarrassed if I even accidentally caught sight of what was written in a card as I was looking at the front. Wasn't particularly brought up that way, either ? I think it's just the way I've always thought.

HeathRobinson · 13/03/2013 12:02

YANBU. Mil used to do this too. Incredibly rude. The cards are on display for us, the people who live there.

Tinkerisdead · 13/03/2013 12:40

Seeker. Thanks for quoting me back "how terrible". Fwiw i adore my mother in law, i prob love her more than dh actually. My point was she relished the chance to read my innermost thoughts at what felt like an intensely emotional time and it made me uncomfortable. My own fault for leaving them out but i never really thought they were public reading.

I now send him texts instead

Bunraku · 13/03/2013 18:33

I personally wouldn't read other people's cards but my MIL does. Then again she has been caught going through bills/credit card statements AND my bloody diary.

storynanny · 13/03/2013 18:45

My mother, rudely I think, always reads cards on display. I wouldn't dream of picking up someone else's cards, even my own family, and read them. When my grandson was born, I asked first if I could read the cards. I think it is rude personally, but that is only my opinion. I would however, look at the front of the card and comment on the design or picture etc.

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 19:03

You put them up to display the picture though, same with postcards. I don't see the connection with putting a card on display so you can see the picture (well as the card was sent to me and it's my house it's mainly so that I can see the picture) and other people feeling that they have the right to take the card down, open it up and read it when they are in my house for 5 minutes.
Who seriously receives a card from someone and keeps it in the envelope?
You put it up. It is still a card that was sent to me though and only intended for my immediate family to look at.

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