Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant

Good to hear to are feeling a bit better.

Obviously not in a position to judge if your FIL is sincere or not, but it might be a good idea to remain skeptical of his motives.

I don't think it's possible to completely forget it, no matter how things work out I will always remember hearing that conversation and how I felt when I had to walk in the room to get DDs stuff whilst they were slagging me off

isitme I have been reading your thread and I have to tell you how completely awful and unreasonable your husband and in laws sound. Good for you for standing your ground, if you hadn't your life would have been a misery. I know you have a child and its easy to say leave the bastard you seriously should when you are not emotionally involved. Just think if your dd was involved with a man like this, what would you be saying to her? I hope things are resolved soon for you.

If it was my DD I would go mental and probably got and tell her ils a thing or two. I don't want her to grow up in a bad home but I want to give us a good shot so if things do end badly I know I can always say I tried my best

I think your oh has whipped his parents into a frenzy and whilst they can now seen the stupidity of it he is being pig headed about it

You don't have to trust your ILs but it would be helpful to have them onside.

Only you know if this relationship is salvageable but you should take the space. It sounds like you have started to detach so start thinking about practicalities. The fact you still have your job is a huge thing and you have a supportive family.

Good luck - you sound very level headed and strong and I hae every faith you will overcome this in the best way for you and your dd

I get that completely but please make sure it's your husband that does the chasing, begging and compromising. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and he has been a total shit, I think if you want your marriage to work you have to maintain a hard line now, although you seem to know this. I don't think I could ever forgive my in laws and I would probably withdraw myself and dc's from them, an apology from fil simply isn't enough. Be strong, you are the injured party here not them.

Thank you every

50 I won't be chasing him or begging him. I'm not sure what the next step is but I think we still need some time apart. I'm deffinatly going to step back from ils too, it's such a shame because we did have a great relationship before DD but I suppose now I just want to much control over mine and DDs lives!

Good for you! How stupid and shortsighted of them to offend and bully the mother of their grandchild in this way. Thank God you still have your job, could you imagine the threats if you had already given it up. I think you are right that space is a good thing right now, it will give you chance to clear your head and decide what you want going forward.

Can your husband explain why he needs to be able to rely on you to 'do things for him' (note him, not us, our family) now, that he did not before you stopped work and had a child? How were these things achieved before?

He seems to have a strong image stuck in his head of what a mother is and does and, somehow, when you became a mother you stopped being you and became this image, to him. He doesn't seem to recognise that his image of motherhood is not shared by others, including you.

Lottie I should things for him because I'm at home in the day and he's at work so he sees it as that's his job and everything else is mine. Before when I worked we split everything that needed doing equally, if I had free time and something needed doing then I'd do it and he would do the same. I've thought a few times in the past and said this to him hitch he denies that he wants a marriage like his parents, they have been together a long long time and love each other a lot but his mum is mainly a housewife (does do abit of work in their business) and does everything and his dad doesn't lift a finger in the house.

You could point out that maternity leave is to enable you to spend time with your baby, it is not 'housework and treating your husband as though he has suddenly regressed to childhood or lost the use of his arms' leave.

He should be doing more, because babies make more work to do. That would be normal. I'd be telling him to take his lazy, sexist ideas back to the far end of the 1950s and stay there.

All this 'he thinks this, so that's what's happening' bollocks has to stop. He has an opinion, he discusses it with you, together you reach a decision. Not 'this is your job, do it, wife' ffs.

I don't go out to work so I do most of the household stuff.

Makes sense as I have the time.

But this isn't about that, is it?

It's about you working elsewhere(unpaid??) & therefore needing childcare!

So how does that benefit you three as a family??

The domestic division of labour discussion can and does happen elsewhere (seemingly endlessly) but a simple point is that mat leave is not the same as going on to become a SAHM (even if you know you will) or a housewife.

More importantly, becoming a mother does not mean you start taking orders rather than discussing things.

I think the key point, as others have said, is that he sees his parents, not his wife and child, as his family.

Well done for standing your ground. Neither your DH or your ILs are recognising how unreasonable they have been tho - even your FIL didn't seem to apologise for the reason behind everything. I think your DH staying away is another tactic to scare you into changing your mind - he probably hopes you're panicking about it. Good for you for sticking to your guns. If he comes back - really try to sort this out though - what contributed to my leaving eventually was when my ex's controlling behaviour started to be directed at my DD. It's one thing putting up with it yourself, but quite another for your children.

sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment, and good for you standing up to your bullying h

Withdrawal of attention or emotion is a recognised DV technique and done as a manipulative step to either punish or frighten the other person.

Going off in a temper tantrum attempting to add distress by not disclosing location ( where there is no good reason not to) and still attempting to bully from afar is completely different to saying "I'm going to my mums because this entire situation is stressing me out"

Expecting a grown adult to fall into line because his mummy wants them to is piss poor behaviour.

Op ask your self this question..

At what point do you decide you have given it your best shot?

Is is when he carrys out his threats or when he starts behaving like this towards his children or when at some stage in the future you look back and realise that the last decade of your life has been spent with a man who has behaved in this way every day for one reason or another and even when he's making an effort not to he can only maintain it for 48 hours,your child/ren have started to copy the way he behaves and you are completely dependant on the notion of giving it your best shot.

Oh and screw fil's apology the bloke goaded his own son and encouraged him to treat you like that there is not a chance that he didnt know dh would do it the only reason he's said sorry is because you won't let them bully you, do you think he would have apologised if you backed down, nope he would be impressed it worked and him dh and mil would be working out how to notch it up a bit the next time they want you to do something you don't want to just so you cave quicker.

"He's still saying the same, I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect."

This ^ he doesn't think you deserve HIS support though, does he?

Emotional blackmail.

Good for you OP. You sound calm and assertive.

Stand your ground.

I would find it very hard to forgive any of them, to be honest.

Socks you've really mad me think, I don't know when I would make that decision. Maybe if we keep arguing about this and other things or if this subject doesn't get dropped ASAP, or if he ever tried to threaten me with money again

OP - you know your husband and what he has been like in the past. You need to decide if this is a blip that has been blown all out of proportion with sides feeling backed against a wall or something more serious which will continue. That first year or so with a baby and the change in dynamics can be very hard.

It is something that you do need to think about, loads of people can give you so much advice ect but everything does come down to what your cut off point is and how you feel about what is going on and if you can accept being treated like that.

Some people do decide that the few days of decency are worth putting up with the days of crap,some people decide there not and some people decide there not worth it but are to concerned about hurting people's feelings or looking like the bad one so they stay in the relationship giving last chance after last chance slowly losing the will to live.

You also need to be able to work out if once you've decided enough is enough you will be able to voice that safely and end it or if your one of the many who will just absent themselves emotionally from the relationship but just not have the actual conversation.

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

He's still saying this, after everything!!???
So he doesn't 'trust' you!!! Why not? What are his reasons for this?
And what things does he 'need' you to do?

It's still all about him and he's still trying to get his own way. He hasn't learnt a single thing from all of this.
YOU need HIS support on this and he has totally and utterly not been there for one single second for you. Why should be there for him???
Relationships work 2 ways and while it's still all to do with him, you need to stay away.
Good luck with what ever you do on this one!

"He said me doing this job isn't worth all the problems it's caused and things have gone way to far."

Now his son needs to come to a similiar realisation. About everything.

It does sound as if he has taken many things for granted about how things would be once the whole dynamic of your family changed on the birth of your child and your mutual decision to be a sahm. This whole matter has laid bare the ugly bones of that massive differnce in understanding. But it is a very difficult time, it involves a change of some degree of self identity etc. Maybe he is feeling the responsibility of breadwinning more now that you plan to live on one income.

Either he will listen and be open minded and realise what century he is in, and that his family NOW with you is not going to be a carbon copy of his parents', and that he needs to work in partnership with you, or he will not.

He is either the victim of his own lazy assumptions, or he is controlling.

The disappearing without saying where does sound like a mind game.

It sounds like you have a good antennae for discerning which as things progress.

Good luck.

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

Yes, this is a really outrageous statement. You have not breached his trust in any way. It is not as if you let them down at the last minute. You told them a year ago that you would not be doing it again. It is your DH who has breached your trust: you told him you weren't doing it, you told his parents you weren't doing it. He did not try to pursuade you at the time and now he, without any discussion with you, has volunteered your services for this job that you hate. He is the one who can't be trusted.

Who was doing this unattractive job before you came along? How did you get roped in in the first place when you already had your own full time job? Were you led to believe it was far less work than it actually was? Why can his mother not do the job while you look after your baby? Why did they want it to be the other way round? They don't sound a particularly pleasant bunch.