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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

423 replies

IsItMeBU · 12/03/2013 22:51

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant Blush

OP posts:
LadyPessaryPam · 15/03/2013 15:06

Say to him

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if you try to make me do this job that I have said I don't want to do.

digerd · 15/03/2013 16:12

Exactly. Dh is being very manipulative and putting you in the wrong.
He is the one those words apply to, not you.
If he carries on insisting then HE has proved you can't trust him to support you in the future as he isn't now in your greatest hour of need.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 15/03/2013 16:24

He is trying every trick in the book to try and make you bend to his will. Threatening lack of support, playing the victim, leaving and not telling you where he is going.. he will not stop until he wins unless you stop playing the game. If one tactic doesn't work he will try another, upping the ante every time. If you calmly repeat the same short thing (I'm not doing it, I will not do it) over and over and over without getting worked up then none of his tactics will work and he will cycle through them. Leaving to your parents will disengage, especially if you refuse to take his calls and texts and only talk to him in person with them there.

If you don't put your foot down and stand up for yourself (and get righteous anger that he dare try to bully you into doing this) then if you do split up he will bully you into whatever he wants from the divorce because you want it all to end.

You sound like you could do with some professional unbiased support too as well as friends and family. Do you think it would be useful to hear that you are being reasonable from a counsellor?

You are right, it doesn't matter what the job is, we don't need to know. It isn't your responsibility, you aren't responsible for his happiness and you shouldn't have to perform some lowly task in order for him to trust you. He is trying to manipulate you. You are doing a great job standing your ground. Dig those heels in! Keep going and if you really doubt yourself then read what you have written. It is good advice to imagine it from the side of your grown daughter and what you would tell her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/03/2013 17:02

To paraphrase
I love you, if you put my needs and wishes before your own

MummytoKatie · 16/03/2013 11:21

Op - how are you today?

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 14:02

Hi, I was okay but now I've had lots of lovey texts about how much he misses me but it quickly got back to the point how I've hurt him and won't do this for him and its making him depressed Hmm
I found out last night that 'apparently' they have someone else to do the job but after today's messages I'm not sure because I get the impression he's still hinting for me to do it

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 16/03/2013 14:16

OP, it is NOT an apology or a genuine expression of love if it is followed by a 'but'... and then a list of your faults and why you're responsible for your own suffering. Wanker.

OxfordBags · 16/03/2013 14:17

Argh, posted by mistake.

This is not abut the job, you do get that, don't you? This is all about him wanting to control you and have you be whatever and whoever he needs you to be. The job was just an easy way for him (as he saw it) to try to break you.

ChasedByBees · 16/03/2013 14:18

Wow, he really is trying every trick in the book to bring you back into line isn't it?

dothraki · 16/03/2013 14:25

Don't reply to his texts - they are not unconditional.
He loves you - as long as you do what he wants.
Oxford is right - this is no longer about the job - its about him and his P's controlling you. I wouldn't speak to him, or reply to his texts. You need time to think - clearly.

foslady · 16/03/2013 14:25

Only just read this, and think you are fantastic for standing your ground, OP. PLEASE stay strong, your life will be so miserable if you back down as they will be shown to be right that if they stick together and be abusive to you then you will be in their control. Your husband just doesn't get it, does he? And the level of abuse he's threatened/shown is appalling - I hope you've kept copies of the texts/emails, even if you survive this episode, you may need them to remind you of his behaviour patterns in the future......Sad

DameFanny · 16/03/2013 14:37

I've just read this thread start to finish and bloody hell it's a good thing you've got a job to go back to. Thank heavens he started all this before you were irrevocably dependent on him.

I don't know your marriage, and I don't know your h, but for me it sounds like he's pushed things so far in a really short period of time that you're boot going to be able to trust him for a long time - if ever.

Start making plans as if he's not in the picture, so you know yolk be able to look after dd's needs with or without him. And her needs include having healthy, respectful relationships modelled for her, so that's a flat 'no' to your mil doing any child care.

And it may be that he gives himself a good talking to and starts behaving like the respectful adult you though he was - but if you give him any ground it's a green light for him to walk all over you.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 14:58

I do know this has gone way past any job. I just thought that he might finally be understanding and see my point but then as soon as you give an inch he tries to take a mile. I know I can't give in now otherwise all this grief would be my fault because I just could of give in earlier and saved all this but I'm not. It's too important I can't have my DD grow up thinking certain behaviors are acceptable.

We've never been apart for so long though

OP posts:
DameFanny · 16/03/2013 15:03

Sending sympathy and hair strokes your way...

Can you get your sister over for the night? Watch some crappy movies and eat popcorn?

Get busy with a project or two? Rearrange your wardrobe and get excited about wearing work clothes again? Start looking for childminders - if you can familiarise dd with one before 8/9 months you can often dodge the separation anxiety stage.

But most of all, be assured that you're not bu - you've been backed into a corner and given no real choices.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 15:53

I'm missing him today Sad

OP posts:
DameFanny · 16/03/2013 16:14

That's only natural. Sad

But none of this is your fault - and standing your ground it's the only way of finding out if the man you married is still there.

Thanks for you

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/03/2013 16:23

"I'm missing him today Sad"
You're missing the man you thought he was. You're missing the life you thought you were living. So sorry for how things are working out right now. But you know you are doing the right thing, for you and your DD.

MagicHouse · 16/03/2013 16:42

Could you stay with your mum for just a little while? A couple of nights on the sofa/ travel cot? It might make it seem less like you are "waiting" for him to come home. That must be really difficult. Hang on to realising that you are in the right. I think he is just using tactics to break your spirit a little bit (staying away), and to make you doubt yourself. The trouble is, tactics like this are VERY effective. You ARE more likely to cave in and start apologising when he comes back, simply through relief he's back, and relief that your marriage might still be working. (He'll also be as nice as pie when he comes back I'll bet.)
If you stay with family and friends and talk about your feelings, you're more likely to stay focused on what the problem is that needs to be addressed - and it really does need to be dealt with, or this will become a pattern.

More Flowers for you.

Lueji · 16/03/2013 16:50

Of coutar you miss him, or rather, his nice persona.
But remember why he's away.
He droped you with the children.
He walked out.
His choice.
You don't need this so called man.

digerd · 16/03/2013 16:53

He is using that devious tactic,' the best form of defence is attack,' used by cowboys, manipulators and conmen/women, by 'attacking you' to get his own way.

He is showing his true colours in trying to make you feel guilty as he has no conscience himself and is impossible for him to feel any guilt or admit he is in the wrong.

yellowbrickrd · 16/03/2013 17:01

Bless you, what a gruelling situation. You are showing a hell of a lot of character and guts by not backing down.

It really impressed me when you said you wanted to set an example to your dd. By doing that you are helping to create a society where women will feel that much braver in standing up to this kind of treatment. She's going to be so proud of you when she's older.

digerd · 16/03/2013 17:11

He gets worse. They have found somebody to do the job but he wants you to do it< when he knows you don't want to>. Why? He needs to feel he's in control of you. You've made him depressed? NO, deep anger that you didn't do what he wanted. He does not care about what you want only what he wants.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 17:26

I hope so yellow. I feel like I could be taking her family away from her

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 16/03/2013 17:31

How sure are you that your DH was fully in agreement with you being a SAHM? I know you say it was mutual but the only way I can see understand why he is behaving this way is if in fact he is not in agreement and is stressed by the prospect of being the WOHP without the benefit of you contributing financially.

understand does not equal condone by the way. But his attitude just seems to extreme and at odds with your previous decisions that it made me wonder.

SarahBumBarer · 16/03/2013 17:31

*so not to