Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant

I would still pack a bag and go and stay for a few days with my mother.
I would leave him a letter outlining his abuse, financially and emotionally, and how you clearly told them ages ago you would not do this job after the last time, and you will not be emotionally blackmailed and bullied into doing it when they had plenty of notice.

I would then email your inlaws, tell them the same thing and that you overheard them. that you don't want to fall out with them as they have already caused many huge rows between you and your husband and that you will not be bullied.

Get your head together and think about the future. I do think in this situation if you can keep your other job open i would and think about going back to it when you can. I would not want them to think they can control you with money.

Sounds like mil wants baby and if everyone makes you feel guilty about not doing the job so you cave in, she will get her own way. If it was a case of you and hub desperately needed the money, and they desperately needed your particular expertise and mil could save you childcare costs, then maybe. That ain't the case here though.

OP - pack a bag for you and DD and go stay with your mother for a few days. Turn off the phone and do not engage with your husband or in laws. Their behaviour to you has been appalling - you need some space to figure out if you want to be part of this family set up and if so, on what terms - you then need to speak with DH ot see if that is viable. Threatening you with controlling you through money or MIL taking over with your DD is absolutely 100% not on. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Did he stay with his parents last night then?

I think he needs to understand that you feel betrayed and let down by him. Betrayed and let down that he would offer you up to do this job against your wishes, and offer up your child to be cared for by MIL, against your wishes. That you feel betrayed and let down that he would threaten you with financial hardship while you are his partner, taking care of his child.

If he comes back to day without understanding that then I would still be off to your Mum's for a while. Let him know that he has pulled this 'MY MONRY' crap in 2 arguments now, and you therefore mistrust him.

Really sorry, all extremely upsetting for you.

chased reading through that list has made me see and realise a few of the points on there apply to our marriage

He gets on well with my mum but my dad isn't a huge part of our lives. He doesn't see my mum much anymore but would do anything for her if she needed it

sock I've spoken to my mum abit but my sister knows everything. If we ever has problems and arguments I never use to speak to anyone because I thought our problems are exactly that and I didn't want to drag anyone else into them but after PIL I needed to speak to someone and felt much better for doing so

I'm not sure where he stayed last night, he told FIL I heard him Yesturday and told me that he knows he never ment it so I just need to forget about it, when I told him I can't just ignore it he said that I was being stupid then because he knows his dad better then me and I just need to trust him! How can he expect my trust with all he's said to me?

He doesn't want us to have time apart because he doesn't think ill come back but if he comes home tonight then ill leave. I feel so drained from all of this and I've woke up this morning being constantly sick. I'm lucky I've got a supportive mum to help with DD

Blu ice told him that i feel betrayed, unsupported, bullied and like I'm at war against him and he's family and he said because you are going against me and my family

I've been so tempted to give in even though I know it will make me misrable and I've questioned if I am right but this thread has been great for keeping my eyes open

Good point oxfordbags and I'm surprised I made any sense - I was up all night coughing with flu.

OP, FWIW, I don't think your relationship is salvageable either, but I can imagine that's a lot to take onboard now.

I hope you're as well as can be under the circumstances OP, you're right, you're being put under sickening amounts of pressure, and it is absolutely abusive bullying, please remember that while it may be easier in the short term to give in, it would then give him and your IL's a green light to continue this awful, awful behaviour

Talk to your mum and sis, as painful as it is, don't let yourself be coerced into this awful situation again by doubting yourself, their behaviour is bullying, abusive and absolutely appalling!

Take care of yourself, and your little one, mentally and emotionally.

Good luck and stay strong!

Even if you were being totally unreasonable about refusing to do the job (which you're not!) you really need to stick to your guns

this has gone beyond the job and is about how he thinks he can treat you and by extension, your DD.

X-posts. Sorry to hear that more of that list applies. :(

Take all the important paperwork e.g. bank account details, passport, details of his income, any info you have on the IL business etc, paperwork to do with the property, red book for your DD. Pack them in a bag with your clothes and go to stay with your Mum for a few days.

When you are at your Mum's make copies of all the useful paperwork and leave them with her.

If you don't have direct information about the PIL business write down what you know from the work you have done with them. Your DH's income depends on his parents business and I could see if you did split that they might adjust his earnings to minimise any maintenance payments so it might be useful to have some info on how things have been up to now.

Please be kind to yourself, you don't deserve this treatment at all.

Whether or not they meant it, you still heard it and it has hurt you hugely. This needs to be acknowledged. It shows a lot that they aren't bothered enough to explain or apologise to you personally and dismissed it through your h.

Imagine what the fallout would have been if they heard you being nasty about them, I'm sure 'she didn't mean it' would have been accepted.

Don't let him dismiss your opinion or feelings, they're valid and just as important as his - more important than your IL's feelings - when it comes to your little family.

You don't need his permission to stay feeling hurt if your ILs won't apologise.

I think there is no way that you can now 'give in' that will not do equal damage to your marriage, bcause of the issues of trust, and long term resentment. I think giving in now would also affect your self-esteem, especially given how public the whole thing has become. It will be the whole of his family seeing it as having brought you to heel.

There is also your dd to consider. Why should HER needs and wants be subject to the family demands? Of course if you were going back to work now you would be looking at childcare, b ut that would be you choosing how to care for your DD. It is not right that her care is ut in the decision making realm of your ILs.

I honestly don't think this is one of those situations where you can see it from the other side and think 'well, there are arguments on both sides'. I can understand why they would prefer everyone to pitch in as soon as anyone clicks theier fingers, and why they might have assumed, for a short period, that you might, but they had a year's notice, and they should have respected your 'no' when you confirmed that your notice last year was real, even with feeling a bit disappointed, rather than try to blackmail you and be heavy handed.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think if you both talk, either face to face or by e-mail, you need to make clear several things to him.

You both made a mutual agreement that you would be a SAHM, he has moved the goal posts suddenly and without discussion (demands do not count as discussion) so he has gone back on the agreement, not you. He has betrayed you, by making you feel secure in your mutual decision whilst he knew all along that his intention was to force you to do this work.

You will not be controlled financially. If he thinks threatening you with removal of funds and security is not controlling then he is kidding himself. It's abusive, you need to make it abundantly clear that using financial support as a tool for blackmailing you is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it.

You have no obligation to his family business, you have a job, and this is not it. Should you choose to go back to work you would be returning to your job and not working for his family. As someone said upthread, this is not a 2 for 1 deal, his working there has no influence over your career choices.

Ask him why he kept quiet this whole time when he knew you didn't intend to do the work? If he disagreed why didn't he speak up at the time rather than feigning support? It feels deliberately deceitful to me, allowing you to believe he fully supported your choice when secretly he was planning a last minute railroading exercise.

Personally I'm not sure I could bring myself to speak to someone who had treated me so shoddily, but if and when you do I would be saying the above. This stinks, particularly the fact that PIL are sticking the boot in as well. I would be tempted to throw in that if you did go back to work in any form DD would be going into a day nursery. See if MIL is still keen for you to do the work then

Im a big lurker on Relatipnship threads but haven't commented before, I just wanted to say I really really hope you stand you ground and do not end up doing the job. The ladies on here offer great support and if you end up seprating you will get loads of support and great advice on the stuff you need to do.

I cannot work out how you've betrayed him.
It's a shitty job.

Just that, the accusation of betrayal would have me off.

Take care OP.

xxx

It's great that you have a job to go back to - much better than if you'd already resigned and would need to find a new one.

I wonder if MIL is a partner in the company. If she is, I bet it's for tax / admin purposes and she isn't a 'real' director. I suspect what's happening here is that the social values of the previous generation are being imposed without thought for how anything has changed - so MIL was a housewife, supported financially by FIL and supporting him in every other way in return and without questioning that expectation. I bet she didn't give up a FT job and her own career. Quite possibly, like many women who didn't think they could have anything different, she resents or is bewildered by your choice and freedom, so refuses to acknowledge it, or belittles it, presenting the things she did as 'the important stuff'.

Your DH though, has no excuse. He's grown up with people his own age! He sounds terribly under their thumb. He really should have spelt out any expectation of your joining the company when you got together / before you married. He clearly holds a desperately 'old fashioned' view that once he's the 'sole breadwinner' you are his staff and his chattel.

Btw, is the company able to generate a FT wage for you at the moment, or even a PT one? It could be quite a burden on it, to add in another working family member. What's the pension like? Doesn't sound like much good business planning has gone on here (oh but you'd just be 'helping', while being kept by the mighty husband, right?).

There's no hope for this relationship because he views him and his parents (and DD, possibly) as his family. Not you. Not you, him and DD. Not even all of you as one extended family. Yu are just the incubator, nanny and general skivvy.

He doesn't get to decide if and when you go to visit your own mother. Again, telling you that you can't go sounds really controlling and bullying. He really thinks that you are just a thing for him to control and decide everything for, doesn't he?

Am glad you have been confiding in your sister. I bet if you have a long discussion with her, she'll have noticed him behaving crappily in the past and has seen a pattern emerging (it's always easier to see these things from the outside). What does she think? I bet she thinks exactly the same as all of us. I can't see anyone except the most pathetic victim-blamer thinking how you are being treated is acceptable or not abuse.

Lottie raises some interesting ideas about your MIL. I bet she's hit the nailon the head. So many people who have been cowed and abused themselves seem to bitterly think "Why should she have what I couldn't?".

Bees, hope you are better today.

So sorry you're going through this, especially as you have such a young baby. I've no real advice except to say keep reading this thread. When someone, especially someone you love, keeps telling you you're wrong and being unfair it's so easy to start to believe them. So please keep reading this, even if you don't feel like posting, just so you can hear the other voice - the one that says you deserve so much better than this.

Hmmmm. I'm more and more on the fence here.

You are probably the only person who can determine, if he is an abuser (in which case RUN) in the making or just a temporarily massive arsehole.

I was in a similar situation and although I tried to and mostly did stand my ground it felt like a constant battle of wills. I finally decided to break up with him a year ago and though it was hard it was the best decision I ever made.

I'm not saying it has to be exactly the same for you. You know your H best and can I think crucially determine, if it is a one off due to stress or if you recognise this pattern from the past.

I, too, think that some time apart would do you both good. You don't need to ask his permission. Go to your mum's. E-mail him when you got there. Maybe even offer to meet him there to discuss the issue there on more neutral turf.

I know how hard it is to not give in to 'I'm hurt that you don't support me' but you'll have to, if you want to save what you've got.

I'm sorry they're all being so awful over this :( How can anyone treat someone they love like this? He sounds like a bully.

Stay strong OP! You're doing great!

"like I'm at war against him and he's family and he said because you are going against me and my family"

So mummy & daddy are his family?

So FIL didn't mean it?-so why say it & where's the apology?

Does your husband not mean what he's saying either?

In which case-what's the point?

Oh yes-to bully you into doing what they want!

YY to the copying of important documents and bank stuff- you can bet your bottom dollar that if you two split "properly" that family will close ranks and shaft you royally.

Finally feeling a bit better so came back to update.

Still haven't seen DH but I've spoken to him. He's still saying the same, I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

FIL gas been to see me to apologise for upsetting me and that everything he said was in anger and he really doesn't think that of me and that me and DH are great together. He said me doing this job isn't worth all the problems it's caused and things have gone way to far.

Im in the house and DH is elsewhere, I get the impression he wants me to ask where but as long as its not here then I don't really care