Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant

This isn't your fault.
You are giving her strong messages about what behaviour is right.
Whatever happens she will still always have a "family", one with a confident role model for a mum.
I think your husband will come back soon. He will be loving and a little bit upset, and if you're not careful it will be all about making him feel happier. I think you need to make sure that you, too assert the fact that you have been very let down and feel that the trust is gone for you at the moment.

IsIT - you are not taking anyone away from your dd, he's choosing to remove himself. There's a big difference

Just want to say that I think you are being really brave and strong here.

Sarah - I'm sure he was in complete agreement with me. We spoke so much about it and worked out costs and working and putting DD in child care would take up most of the money I would earn. Now the only thing I can think of if he's changed his mind and wants me to work and mil look after DD. she told me the other day she wants time with her without me there

Agree with Foslady....he has removed himself

IsIt, safety and security is more hierarchical on the scale of needs than family. It is more important to your daughter that she not see her mother bullied than she have family around. Hopefully by staying strong and refusing to be treated like a doormat she will get both but if you can only pick one it is more important for her to be secure.

You are doing great. I'm sorry your lovely-before-becoming-a-parent husband is not around, it must be so hard going through this without him around. Please don't buckle because he is nice to you, bullies can often be incredibly charming. Please only relax if he unconditionally apologises for being an enormous arse and completely unreasonable. Refuse to accept "I miss you, I'm sorry I blah blah blah BUT YOU"

No Isit, you haven't caused this situation but you are being forced to react to it and you have chosen the right way. You could have caved in, kept the peace, but inside you would have been raging and devastated.

I hope he does the sensible thing, realises this is a whole new beginning for the three of you and shapes up. Unfortunately you can't control that, it is all up to him and you can only keep doing what you've been doing - staying true to yourself and your child.

Coming back in here to say, your MIL may want time with your DD without you there but she has no right to expect it and quite frankly she has no say in it. She is definitely not the kind of person I would want looking after my DD, with the things she's said about you.

I'm thinking that MIL may be the driving force behind this - maybe your DH sees himself as having to stand up to either you or his mother and has chosen to try to control you because he can't or daren't with his mother?
Hence, she sas, 'I want time with DGD' and tells him to sort it out and she's so controlling of him that he can't see clearly how wrong he is?

You are being very brave, OP. and I hope your DH is feeling really lonely right now as he just doesn't deserve you.

So... MIL wants to play Dollies with your DD

DP wants you to do a menial job anyone could do but He thinks you should do it

MIL wants to spend time with DD incase you are not bringing her up properly

FIL thinks you should be brought into line and your wishes re the stupid job ignored

DP Threatens you with financial control for not doing his bidding

Sounds to me like DP has engineered a situation as almost a test. MIL has pressured him for 'time alone' ( I am concerned about this ) with DD . DP is using the job /business as a lever to manipulate you and appease his MIL and concede to her wishes.

I am so sorry for you . You must feel terrible and in a headspin . This should be a special time for you as a new familly , getting into a routine and getting to know your daughter. Now this shitstorm has rained down and your DP is proving himself to be an arsehole living in the 50's.

You are facing a difficult few weeks , Im not going to tell you to run for the hills or LTB as you know him well . Be true to yourself and be firm and positive with your decisions , try to stay away from ultimations and threats , plus ask on here for advice or hand holding

Well it's incomprehensible then and must be an even worse shock to you. I'm really sorry - think you're doing really well, stand your ground.

Sarah, from everything the op has said it does NOT look like he was not in complete agreement with her being a sahm.

It decidedly looks like he was but not for the same reasons the op thought it was a good idea, she thought " good I can be with dd all the time" he thought "good I can be the boss of her and she will have to put up with it because I'm the one earning"

Sorry, but this all sounds as though it is about your MIL getting her hands on your baby.

You've said she wants time alone with your baby and doesn't agree with you on issues of childcare. God, even more reason not to let her have time alone with your baby, surely?

Sounds like he's made her a promise and has made an arse of himself by telling his family "oh don't worry about IsItMe, she'll come round"

Now that you have NOT come round to their way of thinking, he thinks he looks like an arse in front of his family.

But, hang on a moment, surely his wife's needs should come before his parents'?

You have just had a baby FFS, he should be putting you first. Why on earth should you leave your five-month old child to go and do some shit job, just because your husband wants you to? Good god, what century are we actually in? Women are allowed to choose what work they do?

Your MIL does not have the right to time with your baby without you there, just because she wants it YOU are the baby's mother, and YOU will choose.

STICK TO YOU GUNS, OP. Or your life as part of his family will be hell.

Agree with everyone else, you cannot give in to him or your life will never be your own.

Has he made no attempt to see DD? Does he not miss his baby girl?

Wow, just wow! It's hard to believe their are such assholes in the world. You DH and his parents are bang out of order - you can't just let this go. If your staying I would put couples counselling on the table. They are being abusive.

oh OP I feel so sorry you have to deal with this

He wants to come and see DD tomorrow but I'm sure if he will, I've spoken to a friend of ours and she mentioned her DP and DH are out tonight. She doesn't know our problems so it was just in general convo.

I don't think 'your her mum you choose' will work DH is pushing hard for me to leave DD with him mum too . We use to be on the same team, there were alot of arguments when DD was 2w old because I hadn't been over after my section and it was only 3 days since they had last saw her and he was completely on my side but then it changed

Oh I wish I could have a bottle of wine

I had thought of couples counseling but I no it's something he won't go for, I did think of going on my own but finances aren't going to stretch if I want to have as much time off with DD before work

Woah there, MIL wants to spend time alone with your 5 month DD on her own?

Well, that's just fine if you have asked her and are happy with that, it's not bloody well on if she thinks it's something she is entitled to and that you should be doing some crappy job that she could do if she could be arsed in order to facilitate her selfish want.

I think perhaps your DH has spent his life (along with your FIL) doing whatever makes mummy happy, and that's where this crap has originated from.

Stick to your guns. And if your DH starts talking about "his" money again ask him what he thinks the divorce court will think is his and what is yours. Might shock him into actually thinking about the bullshit he is spouting.

My brother in law spouted some similar trash once about the disparity between his and my lovely SILs pay, basically saying she was getting a free ride. He was pretty drunk at the time, as was I as I asked him to tell me if he honestly thought there was another saint woman in the world that might put up with his misogynistic, OCD, irritating habits!

I'm sorry that you are having this awful time so soon after having your little one, I hope your DH sees sense and comes back on his knees grovelling for forgiveness, but please do not fall into the trap of just agreeing and letting things go for the sake of a simple life. I did with my ex, and it went from mental bullying to much more as my self esteem was worn away. You are worth a lot more, and only ever settle for a man who puts and KEEPS you on a pedestal. If you would move heaven and earth for him, he should want to do the same for you too. unMN hugs

Thank you monty, I've separated our finances now so he can keep his money and not think he can use it as a hold over me.

Have you considered getting a bit of legal advice just incase?

Its fairly safe to say that if you don't work this out more bullying will happen.

I think it's very sinister that your MIL wants DD all to herself without you there, and that your DH is pushing hard for this.

It sounds like they're collaborating to take her away from you.
Why would they, and especially DH, want to do that to you?

Stand firm and don't give in!
As another poster up thread said, can you go away to your mum's or other relatives for a few days? Just so you can clear your head and to send the message to DH that you're not waiting around for him to choose when he comes back.
Appalling behaviour from DH and Pils.

i don't want to suggest he's a threat but alcohol and anger are not a good mix.
If he has keys to where you are staying i think you should leave the keys in the locks overnight so he cant just come in....

MIL has absolutely no legal right to see your DD. It all sounds really sinister. I Monty hit the nailn the head saying that your OH and FIL have spent their lives doing whatever makes her happy. They are so scared of not doing that that OH isprepared to sacrifice your happiness and the happiness, security, wellbeing and bond with her primary caregiver of his daughter. In other words, he has chosen his dysfunction over his wife and child. There isn't a way back from this. Patterns that entrenched don't change - and if they can, certainly not quick enough to stop them completely fucking up you and your DD.

Here, have some of my op. The great thing about mn is you can have as much as you like without getting a hangover. Although judging by some of the typos a couple of recent posters have had some real too

We're all here to hold your hand.

OP, it is all very obvious why this is happening imo.

DH is afraid of his parents because they have the power over his future at the family business.

His DM wants to see more of your DD.

She needs you to take the job with the family business so she can have an inarguable excuse to look after your daughter by herself.

She is giving her DH and DS grief until she gets her way.

So, MIL and FIL are both manipulating your DH to get what they want (access to your DD). The job is just a decoy argument.

Your DH may or may not understand he is being played and manipulated by his parents.

Stay strong and stay independent. Your DH and Ils have picked this fight, not you. Sounds like everything so far has been sweetness and light as long as you agreed with everything, but they don't take kindly to being challenged and disagreed with and they respond with threats and emotional blackmail.

Get some emotional and practical support and resist what is happening because if you give in to it it will only get worse.

Could there be a compromise? What sort of a job is it. Maybe suggest that you do one day and MIL or H the other day or that you can recruit the new starter on their behalf. There is give and take and helping each other in families but you shouldn't be blackmailed.