To consider treating children for getting good reports.

[bonzoed]

We had parents evening today for 6 and 4 year old. Both had excellent reports both academically and for their kind natures.

DH wants to treat them for their good reports. I'm not so sure. Am I being a bit mean? I suspect that I am thinking of the girls at school that had surprise gifts such as watches, cameras or cars after doing well at exams. These gifts didn't act as motivation because they were surprise rewards.

Obviously DH is thinking more of a cinema trip. AIBU to think this might be a poor precedent to set?

They won't be the ones who volunteer or lend a helping hand just for the sake of it.

That's a nasty little pair of jinsulting blanket assumptions - not to mention inaccurate!

I agree that doing well is an achievement in itself.
I had a BF years ago who was offered financial incentives to get good grades in his A levels. I think it was 300 quid for 3 As and 100 for 3 Bs etc (it was the 1980s)

I was appalled at that, and it must have started somewhere. Or maybe they just knew their son and were desperate to get him out of the house to University.

Andro.

That's fine if you think my reasonings are inaccurate assumptions.

Unfortunately in my almost 48 years I have seen it proven over and over again.

I have seen it during my DC's growing up years and now during my DGC's years.

Of course I think that DC should be acknowledged for their hard work and efforts.

I just don't think that trading money for good marks is the way to do it.

coralanne - I just found it personally offensive. Maybe I'm just an exception, but I did volunteer, I would help out and I'd do it for no other reason than I wanted to aid others.

I think paying for exam results is a whole different debate to token rewards for good reports so I can't comment on that as i am not at that stage and pretty sure I wouldn't consider it.

However, people who think that not rewarding their child with a token gift means that the children are doing well for their own pleasure in it I think are a bit deluded. The children are getting an emotional reward by pleasing their parents unless you make no reaction at all to their reports. So they are still being rewarded albeit not with a monetary reward.

And my boys volunteer for lots of things - paired reading and help in playground with the little ones - no reward expected or given other than I'm sure it contributes to their positive school reports for which they get a token reward.

DS is rewarded monetarily for his contribution at home.
School work, no.

At least at the moment, he enjoys learning and is often excited about new things at school, particularly to do with maths, but not only.
Although he does say he doesn't like school, and would obviously rather play and watch cartoons. :o

He is sort of rewarded with mummy pride for both effort and success. Success not in the sense of just being good at something, but particularly when he persevered and tried different approaches until he succeeded.
His motto is "I don't give up", which is pretty much what I wish him to do.

Dd is rewarded when she does well and goes over and above in her effort to do something. Just recently she received her 4th merit cert in a term for achieving something that she'd previously found very difficult and had low confidence about. This achievement was rewarded with dinner out at a restaurant of her choosing because we were so proud of the extra (self set) work that she had put in.
Hard work = rewards.
It's not necessarily the grades she achieves but the effort, determination and perseverance she shows to get them.

I don't get why it is more appropriate to reward tenacity than intelligence?

ICBINEG - I think that the theory is that not everyone can be bright but some children work very hard and may still be not at the top of the class - that should be rewarded too. My kids are bright, they don't need to make much effort to stay ahead of the game in their particular classes - that's just their luck not really meriting a reward. However if they still put in effort and behave well too then that's worth rewarding - as I say, I am not at the exams stage yet so who knows what I'll do then.

Good effort or behaviour are things that deserve rewarding as much as achievement.

Yes but that doesn't answer the question really...

I think our culture values tenacity more than intelligence, but both seem to me to be personality traits that are equally fixed by nature/nurture etc.

Why is it considered more worthy of reward to be naturally hard working but not that bright than to be naturally bright but not that hard working?

Obviously I have vested interest in this. I am bright but absolutely cannot stand repetition. I get crazy and some times even vomitty if I have to do the same task over and over again. I even drive a long way out of my way on the way to work in order that I don't do the same drive day in day out.

This personality trait means that no one is EVER going to accuse me of trying hard as I never practise anything. It certainly doesn't feel like it is my fault that I am this way....yet most people on this thread would say that my achievements are not worthy of praise as they were gained through native wit not effort.

Equally I have a friend who LOVES doing repeated tasks (he once got a summer job in a factory packing batteries into boxes for 8 weeks and thought he was in heaven). This means that he is excellent at achieving through repetition. But again, why should his personality traits be more worthy of merit than mine when they are both arbitrarily assigned at birth?

I think that Intellegence is already rewarded ICBINEG. You find things easy so therefore life is a bit less stressful, you theoretically have a higher earning potential, as you say, you don't NEED to work as hard. Rewarding hard work is an attempt to redress the balance a bit for those who find learning or work a bit more difficult as I see it.

hmmm I see what you are saying but I think we reward hard work too. I think people can get on in the big wide world of work via either method.

I just feel that from a moral standpoint hard work gets valued more and I don't see that someone should be any more proud of their natural work ethic than their intelligence or charisma or niceness etc. We just have the personality characteristics we have and use them as best we can.

Rewarding hard work is an attempt to redress the balance a bit for those who find learning or work a bit more difficult as I see it.

However easy the 'academic' bit of turning out a great piece of work is, it still takes hard work to put it together at a standard commensurate with that person's intelligence. Achieving an acceptable standard might be easier, but the expectations are greater than for those who are less academic. Finding yourself in a situation where everyone is volubly praising person A's grade B because of 'how hard they must have worked', whilst your A* barely merits a well done (despite the hours of work put in) because 'it's easy for you' is soul destroying.

I think it's wrong to send the message that effort is more important than achievement, it's just as wrong to send the opposite message. Effort and achievement should both be acknowledged.

cory, I had exactly the same experience at school. Somehow I was always able to wing it at the last minute and got the top grades; my Ds on the other hand had to study. Really study. We both received very good grades throughout, however, the effort that went into achieving them was worlds apart.

Naturally all the parents who are saying reward is bad will not be taking on promations or pay rise and will tell there boss doing the job well is reward enough

If they do well they get a rewards if they dont they get frigg all just like in real life whats the issue

Nothing wrong with rewarding but also as part of a chart record the 'naughty' things so they work a bit harder to reach their goal.The prize is what you set. I tended(not always) to use money as the prize at least when he got older as it gave them the freedom of spending or saving it up for something they really wanted & taught them the value of money. :)

About work and promotions.

Lots of people will rather do a job they enjoy, just as long as they get enough money, rather than one they don't enjoy for lots of money.

Rewarding achievement at school is not bad per se, but it should not be the goal.
School and learning are not a goal in themselves.
Children go to school so that they can be better prepared adults. And they should realise that.
I had a short conversation with DS (8) about how going to school is his right and not an obligation.
That going to school may enable him to be what he wants when he's older.

Being given a monetary goal or something would have most definalty spurred me on, and given me something to focus on.

I know lots of extremly successful people who have been given very expensive rewards for first class degrees from top uni's.

Id say each child needs evalutating for their own needs, some will do great with the I will give money if you fail approach - some great with other rewards.

We are all individuals and each parent should be looking at what each child will respond too - if you give your child a treat and there is a negative result at 4 and 6 I think you have time to adjust that!

I was thrilled with my DD's report, mainly for her outstanding happy and willing attitude - and her caring attitude. She will be getting rewarded at the weekend for that. she has just started school, she has been doing really well, and I want to do all I can to encourage that and keep it going. I may change how I reward her, I may not, but we/she are not fixed in stone.

I would take them out for an ice cream and tell them I was very proud of them.

Naturally all the parents who are saying reward is bad will not be taking on promations or pay rise and will tell there boss doing the job well is reward enough

I don't expect my boss to reward me financially for a job well done. I get paid a salary for doing the job, of course, but I could sit back and coast for a while and still get paid the same. I am at the top of my pay grade, there is nowhere else for me to go. I don't work any less hard because of this! I work hard because I want to do a good job!

Promotions are different - they don't only represent more money but also more responsibility, more challenge, more opportunity to make a difference.

As a manager, I find that the ones who constantly badger me for a pay increase aren't generally the ones who put in the most effort. The best staff are motivated by a genuine desire to achieve something and the will to make a positive difference, not by the prospect of a few quid extra at the end of the month!

Andro. I guess that's why we have the saying "There's always an exception to the rule"

I never gave my DC rewards but certainly acknowledged their achievements.

What Jinsei said.

On the other hand, my DD gave her DD a VERY expensive dance bag when she passed her ballet and singing exams with flying colours. (High distinctions)

I did contribute half of the cost of the bag but it was her birthday at the same time so she understood that it was for her birthday as well.

Some children are self motivated, some need a little help to try their best.
My DS gets a trip to the supermarket where he gets to choose one treat (any sweet) he wants if after parent teacher meetings his teacher tells me that "he is trying his best".
I would never give him something expensive (presents only for birthdays and Christmas).
This only works because we are not constantly buying sweets or treats at home, so it really is an incentive for him.

We offered DS the elder a reward at the end of the school year if he improved his handwriting and got to the next level, (something his teacher was certain he could achieve). However, DS was very indignant about this and refused, saying we were trying to bribe him and that it was wrong. Nothing we could say about incentives and how they are used in the big wide world would move him on this.

So now, we've gone back to praise for a good report and/or effort but have given up on the whole reward thing.