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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider treating children for getting good reports.

151 replies

bonzoed · 12/03/2013 21:41

We had parents evening today for 6 and 4 year old. Both had excellent reports both academically and for their kind natures.

DH wants to treat them for their good reports. I'm not so sure. Am I being a bit mean? I suspect that I am thinking of the girls at school that had surprise gifts such as watches, cameras or cars after doing well at exams. These gifts didn't act as motivation because they were surprise rewards.

Obviously DH is thinking more of a cinema trip. AIBU to think this might be a poor precedent to set?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 13/03/2013 07:47

I haven't read the thread, I must say, but I am totally confused by the 'don't reward achievement' idea.

In a normal economy, do you not get rewarded at work for making targets and achieving goals? Whether a bigger bonus or a raise or even a voucher to a store? I certainly did when I worked in the corporate world.

So why shouldn't we reward our children in the same manner? I don't mean a new car or a smart phone, but a dinner out, an extra chocolate, a small toy?

I reward good behaviour. Why wouldn't I reward good achievement?

coralanne · 13/03/2013 07:50

Maybe it would be best to read the thread first.

Areyoumadorisitme · 13/03/2013 07:55

Dc aged 12 and 9, we do reward good reports or parents evenings but with small things such as meal in KFC together or picnic together. Not a monetary thing but they know we are pleased.

We do emphasise that it is for doing their best and don't dwell on the achievements as we'd be happy with whatever achievements as long as they try their hardest.

They also get double pocket money in any week when they bring home an award of any description from school. It shows that we are proud of them and value their achievement (whether academic or not).

Works well for us and kids still seem to want to work hard and do their best.

Tee2072 · 13/03/2013 08:02

Now I've read the thread. I still don't understand why you wouldn't reward good achievement/behaviour.

Is that not what, as a parent, you are trying to encourage? I can't think of a better way of encouraging it than rewarding it.

Not that I would punish under achievement, although, of course, I punish bad behaviour. Not the same thing at all, IMHO.

True, he's not my employer. But he's a person. People like rewards.

Shesparkles · 13/03/2013 08:14

We always reward good reports, always have always will. Nothing wrong with good old fashioned bribery motivation.

Dd has the first of her "big" school exams this year, and has the carrot of financial reward,maths amount dependant on the grade. I'm not interested in the theory behind it, but kids are only young once and if we want to reward them for a job well done, we will

Shesparkles · 13/03/2013 08:14

Ignore "maths" iPad fail!

OrWellyAnn · 13/03/2013 08:27

But Jinsel what if you are rewarding for effort, regardless of attainment. At DD's most recent Parents eve both her teachers commented that she 'gives 100% to everything she does, even the bits she doesn't ike as much.' We have told her we'll take her for a meal, because of this, not just because her hard work is resulting in progress for her.

Jinsei · 13/03/2013 08:42

I still wouldn't reward effort either, because I want the motivation to come from within. I want dd to try her best because she owes it to herself to do her best - not to earn a reward or to make me happy.

She knows that I value effort, but I see no need to reward it. The thrill that she gets from achieving something special is reward enough in itself, and an external reward might detract from that.

Jinsei · 13/03/2013 08:47

That's not to say that we don't celebrate successes as a family, but dd would be the one to decide which of her achievements are worth celebrating, and it is very definitely a celebration rather than a reward.

Jinsei · 13/03/2013 09:05

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 09:13

When I was growing up, many of my peers were materially rewarded for achievements and I wasn't. My mum and dad simply explained their reasoning, and I don't ever remember being disheartened. I did know that they were immensely proud of me and DSis, and we were both proud of our achievements ourselves.

I had exactly the same and have done the same with my DCs. We have had meals to celebrate doing well in public exams, graduating from university, or even getting into the university of choice, but they are very much a celebration and not a reward.
It is hard when they have had friends offered money for A grades etc but I just said they had more money than sense! If your DC isn't going to do their all out best to get good A'level grades you have to question why they are staying on to 6th form. They need to go to university because they want to-it is far too expensive, these days, to go to please your parents.

thegreylady · 13/03/2013 09:16

Nothing wrong with a little treat for good reports.

Ihatemytoes · 13/03/2013 09:16

I've always rewarded mine for good reports. Nothing major, maybe a bar of chocolate, or a dvd and popcorn night. They're both now at secondary, both still getting excellent reports, and the treats have not really changed! DS (15) has told me that his friends parents have told them they'll be getting £ for every GCSE they get!

fryingpantoface · 13/03/2013 09:17

I don't see anything wrong with giving a reward for a good report

5madthings · 13/03/2013 09:19

What exotic and coralanne said, I want my kids to enjoy learning and see it as life long and to try their best simply because its the right thing/a good thing to do. I never got rewards for doing well, I did it because I wanted to do my best.

I will praise them verbally but I don't hold with giving them money etc.

That said a family trip to the cinema is a nice thing to do regardless.

KellyElly · 13/03/2013 09:22

if you are rewarding achievement -hmm not so fine What's wrong with rewarding achievement

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/03/2013 09:26

I think it depends on th individual personalities of the children involved whether it's a good/effective idea or not.

YippeeTeenager · 13/03/2013 09:28

I think there's a difference between giving hard cash and treats. I don't like the idea of giving money for good school work/behaviour as I've always told my daughter she should be doing that anyway, but we do let her choose a special treat to celebrate a great parents evening or report - the last couple of times she's chosen a takeaway curry as a family celebration and a pat on the back. Money seems too much like bribery and what happens when they decide the rate is too low and it's time for a pay rise?

Bramshott · 13/03/2013 09:29

I think the kind of thing your DH is suggesting - i.e. a spur of the moment "we're so pleased that you're doing well we're going to go out for a treat at the weekend" is fine.

However, I have a real problem with the "incentive parenting" I see a lot around me where parents promise their DC something specific in advance, if they get a particular mark.

KellyElly · 13/03/2013 10:34

However, I have a real problem with the "incentive parenting" I see a lot around me where parents promise their DC something specific in advance, if they get a particular mark. But isn't that just preparing them for working life in some ways. If you achieve x target you get a bonus, if you pass x level training you get promoted. I got cash for my GCSE's £10 for C, £20 for B and £50 for and A. I thought it was great although I would have thought it was better if I got straight A's .

Bramshott · 13/03/2013 10:43

You see I would say 9 times out of 10 in real life you don't get something tangible/financial for doing a good job, so setting kids up to think that's the norm is doing them a disservice.

KellyElly · 13/03/2013 11:13

You see I would say 9 times out of 10 in real life you don't get something tangible/financial for doing a good job Many more than 9/10 workers get a pay rise directly as a result of an appraisal which is an adult version of a school report. Anyone who works in target/results based jobs get bonuses and commission as a direct result of achieving targets and 'doing a good job'!

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 11:14

I don't agree with bonuses or tipping either so it is a fairly easy issue for me.
However nothing wrong with a trip to the cinema-it isn't as if you said 'we will go to the cinema if you get good reports.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 11:18

In my day it was presents offered for passing the 11+, thankfully my parents didn't agree with it and told me just to do my best-you couldn't expect more. It was bad enough failing -it would have been far worse to have missed out on the present too. (I wanted to pass-it wasn't as if a present was going to make any difference to how I performed on the day)

Miggsie · 13/03/2013 11:20

I would just praise and say well done. At that age it is pretty nigh impossible to get a bad report and I found that most of the reports in DD's class were generic and said almost the same thing anyway.

If you are going to celebrate something make it a specific achievement that has been worked hard for - when DD won her first tournament she got a new set of sports clothes for instance.

We don't give her rewards for good reports as we expect a good set of results as standard. We also let her set a goal for herself and work towards it - much better than jumping through a hoop to please us.

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