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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider treating children for getting good reports.

151 replies

bonzoed · 12/03/2013 21:41

We had parents evening today for 6 and 4 year old. Both had excellent reports both academically and for their kind natures.

DH wants to treat them for their good reports. I'm not so sure. Am I being a bit mean? I suspect that I am thinking of the girls at school that had surprise gifts such as watches, cameras or cars after doing well at exams. These gifts didn't act as motivation because they were surprise rewards.

Obviously DH is thinking more of a cinema trip. AIBU to think this might be a poor precedent to set?

OP posts:
soontobeslendergirl · 12/03/2013 22:38

12 and 11 year olds here - have ALWAYS bought them a treat for a good report - not necessarily the academic as they are both bright so that is pretty easy for them, but for behaving well and working hard. Not usually games and watches, usually a book or something similar that they have been after.

No idea what I would do if they didn't get a good report as it hasn't happened yet. Eldest is at High school and they get issued praise cards for consistent Effort across their subjects both in school and for homework. He got a new mouse mat and headphones for his computer from us.

Jinsei · 12/03/2013 22:40

Look at is a performance related pay - all the best companies use it.

Possibly, but our children are not our employees, and we shouldn't treat them as such. A company's reasons for wanting its employees to "perform" are quite different (I hope) from those of most parents. And a company does not bear the same responsibilities for its employees as parents bear for their kids.

HollyBerryBush · 12/03/2013 22:43

Mollycoddle all you like jinsei but preparation for the real world is the best thing a parent can do.

ghosteditor · 12/03/2013 22:43

I used to get a book voucher for good school reports - still makes me happy now!

bedmonster · 12/03/2013 22:44

Always have a bit of a treat/meal/cinema trip/bit of cash for a new top etc for good reports.
Of course you're not paying them to work hard, but it's a nice visual way to show them you appreciate them behaving and achieving.
We were clearing through toys a few days ago and I suggested that we donated a set of figures that DD doesn't play with any more to a local toddler group. She was shocked and reminded us that we got them for her about 4 years ago for a treat for being good - couldn't believe she remembered!

exoticfruits · 12/03/2013 22:53

If you have more than one DC then you need to think what will happen one year if one gets a good one and one doesn't. I wouldn't- surely the pleasure of getting a good report is the reward.

soontobeslendergirl · 12/03/2013 23:07

exotic - do you buy both children a gift when it is one of their birthdays?

What happens when one gets a good report and the other doesn't is that one child gets a reward and the other doesn't - it is simple surely? The child that didn't get will maybe work harder next time. Not fair if you are rewarding academic achievement in itself as all of us are not equal in that regard but effort and behaviour can be measured.

CocacolaMum · 12/03/2013 23:17

If mine get a good report for working hard they get spoilt rotten. Not for doing the bare minimum to get by but if they are trying really hard then I think that is something to be rewarded

Jinsei · 12/03/2013 23:36

Mollycoddle all you like jinsei but preparation for the real world is the best thing a parent can do.

It has nothing to do with mollycoddling, Holly, and everything to do with preparing children for the real world.

Then again, I am no doubt influenced by having worked in roles where intrinsic motivation is explicitly examined as part of the recruitment process, and I wouldn't have got to where I am in my career now had I been motivated primarily by material rewards. Luckily for me, my parents brought me up to believe that the best reward for good performance was the sense of achievement that came with that performance. The material rewards followed on quite naturally from there.

Jinsei · 12/03/2013 23:39

Oh, and as a manager, it's fairly easy to distinguish between those who are motivated by external factors and those who just want to do the best job they possibly can, even when nobody is looking. I would always promote the latter over and above the former!

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 23:58

I reward my children's acheivements, but not based on academic scoring, or if it's something we've worked on together. I recently rewarded my son because he took it upon himself to concentrate and work hard on improving maths - his least favourite subject and one in which his progress is slow. I never promise a reward, so it is never motivation, and I try not to be predictable.

For our family it is simply an aknowledgement of effort, mostly random and unexpected. I appreciate my children working hard. I also encourage them to save any money they're given and reward themselves when they feel like they've earned a treat... just like I do. I don't expect anyone to reward me, I treat myself. Sometimes though, it is a very good thing to be appreciated... though words are usually enough for that.

I think rewards are as ineffective as punishments if they're the only motivational factor or become habit. I do think it's a fine line.

Eskarina · 13/03/2013 02:55

I think it sounds a lovely idea, as long as its for trying hard and good behaviour. I would be very dubious of "rewards" which were for pure academic achievement (of the "£20 for each A" type) but that's not what you're talking about anyway.

Iteotwawki · 13/03/2013 03:05

My boys get treated when they get reports praising effort and attitude. Good academic achievement I expect, they were lucky enough to be born with good brains so I expect them to use them!

However I would always praise effort - which is why when DS1 (6) was given a certificate for maths/literacy achievement he didn't get a treat, whereas when he came last-but-one in cross country (running is not his thing!) he was rewarded with a new book for trying his hardest and not giving up.

clabsyqueen · 13/03/2013 03:29

Ooo jinsei - so many great points! ALL of the research ( and there's lots) shows that rewards such as gifts etc don't work and are actually detrimental to motivation. Just google 'punished by rewards' for lots of info. Also many studies have shown that a higher salary is not the reason why good people strive to do a better job. I employ and line manage many adults and like Jinsei those with the 'won't do it unless I get I extra' attitude are the most dissatisfied and often unpleasant employees and rarely get very far in my industry. INTRINSIC motivation is what you should be aiming for.

TapirBackRider · 13/03/2013 04:13

My sons school report is sitting in the kitchen, awaiting my signature so he can return it to school.

He was dx'd with dyspraxia at the beginning of this school year, and lots of things have had to be put into place for him - his previous year was pretty disasterous, and he had lost all confidence in his learning abilities.

His report is light years away from any we've had before; the sheer effort he's made over the year to do well is amazing, and knowing that the teachers know that he is actually trying his best (and achieving a worthwhile result) rather than writing him off as lazy has made all the difference to him.

He's going to get a gift not because of the good report, but because he's tried his best and worked hard.

I'm so damn proud of him! Grin

coralanne · 13/03/2013 04:30

My DGS is dyspraxic.

He turned 8 on Sunday and is going extremely well. However he doesn't get rewards for a good report as he doesn't get reports.

He and his 4 siblings are home schooled and they all know that becoming educated is bloody hard work.

An "excursion" to the zoo turned into a massive project on funnell web spiders.

Watching Romeo and Juliet on TV turned into an interest in Shakespeare.

Miss 5 complained to her DM that the books she was reading were too easy so she was taken to the library for "harder" books.

The reward for all their hard work is a feeling of pride that they can extend their thinking in anything that interests them.

More to the point they can and do extremely well at the subjects tht they don't find particularly exciting.

Miss 10 doesn't like cursive writing. So her reward for completing 4 practice sheets of "running" writing is that she can print or do whatever she wants for the rest of the day.

coralanne · 13/03/2013 04:34

Well said Jinsei

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 13/03/2013 04:40

Can someone explain this further to me? I don't want to set an expectation of reward but do want a "good things happen to those who try/work hard" attitude reinforced.

Can anyone give me a very brief overview of 'Nurtureshock' by Po Bronson?

coralanne · 13/03/2013 05:08

The problem is loves that sometimes good things don't happen to those
who try/work hard.
You're always going to get the DC who always get picked for everything no matter how hard everyone else tries.

I think it's a matter of trying to instill in them a love of learning for it's own sake.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2013 06:53

I think it's a matter of trying to instill in them a love of learning for it's own sake.

That is what I would go with -they ought to want a good report for themselves -not just to please a parent.
I also think that it is difficult not to muddle effort with results and end up paying for results.

Eve · 13/03/2013 07:13

At beginning of year ds2 (10) was behind where I thought he could be at his levels, he's very very money motivated so I agreed £10 for each level.

At parents evening he's jumped 2 levels both English and Maths..he proudly collected his earnings from me.

Obviously in between times I have been working with him on Maths etc ad he gets lots of praise for effort.

bangwhizz · 13/03/2013 07:26

YANBU.
Doing well in education is it's own reward.Rewards undermine that message.

Cat98 · 13/03/2013 07:26

I completely agree, jinsei.
The problems arises when peers receive obvious material rewards. Could lead to dc feeling very disheartened. As a parent how do you deal with a fantastic report or similar? Verbal praise? Discussion on the lines of 'look how well you've done, you must be very proud of yourself'? What if your kid asks for a reward because their friends get them, and they have done really well so you feel bad saying no?
Genuinely interested in the answers. I agree completely with the theory of fostering intrinsic motivation, I just find it hard sometimes in practice.

bangwhizz · 13/03/2013 07:26

its own

Jinsei · 13/03/2013 07:44

cat, I think it's just about being honest with your kids. When I was growing up, many of my peers were materially rewarded for achievements and I wasn't. My mum and dad simply explained their reasoning, and I don't ever remember being disheartened. I did know that they were immensely proud of me and DSis, and we were both proud of our achievements ourselves.

I think the emphasis was always on personal best. Whatever the outcome, we knew it was important for us to have given our all.

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