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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move?

88 replies

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:04

I feel like I might be being completely unreasonable.

DP and I currently live in rented accommodation. We've been offered the opportunity to live in a family owned property rent free to enable us to save a much bigger deposit for buying somewhere.

Unfortunately, the house is 60 miles from where we live now. It will dramatically reduce DP's current commute (which is now 32ish miles each way - mine is 25miles each way) but my commute will become 55miles each way through horrendous traffic taking over two hours each way. This will mean that Monday to Friday, I won't see 14mo DS at all. But on the plus side, we would be able to save £1000 a month in housing costs.

I've expressed my reservations about the length of my commute, and DP will say in one breath "I agree, its too far" but will immediately follow it with "... Even though this is our only way to save a decent deposit quickly". Which, obviously, makes me feel like shit. It doesn't help that he has very sentimental links to the house.

I also worry that, because of said sentimental links and because its free, he'll keep finding excuses to stay even when we've saved a deposit.

So vipers, AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 12/03/2013 19:08

Yes. Sorry YABU. The chance is a very, very rare one. The worst part of it is that you won't see DS in the week....but how long would you be saving for? Do you have savings now?

You need to lay out a plan..."we will do this for a maximum of X amount of time" and then you have a light at the end of the tunnel.

At the moment, I assume DH is not seeing anything of your son? Maybe it is your turn for that...and your chance to save masses of cash.

beamme · 12/03/2013 19:08

How long will it be for?

Would you be able to do flexible working hours? Perhaps longer hours Mon-Thu but get Friday off?

MortifiedAdams · 12/03/2013 19:10

Wont the increase in petrol negate the saving?

Portofino · 12/03/2013 19:11

2 hours each way is TOO much imho. My commute with the school run is 1 to q.5 hours and it kills me. Presumably he has agreed to do nursery or whatever pickups in the event of your your ds being ill?

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:15

DP is the one with the flexible job and he's always home by 5ish so gets a few hours with DS each evening. I know we could save a lot of money but can seriously envisage DP refusing to leave.

OP posts:

MadeinMarch · 12/03/2013 19:16

Ooh tricky one. YANBU about the commute, but it does seem like a brilliant opportunity. Any chance you could change job/move location?

Costypop · 12/03/2013 19:16

Could you change jobs so that you closer to the new house?

MadeinMarch · 12/03/2013 19:17

Would you like to live there long term (am guessing not!)?

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:18

We live in an area of the country where jobs aren't in huge supply, plus my employers are about to put me through further, costly, training. Leaving isn't something I'd be willing to do and, as its a smallish company they don't have an office closer to the free house that I could transfer to.

OP posts:

WileyRoadRunner · 12/03/2013 19:21

Is £1000 per month worth not seeing your child for 6 months Mon-Fri? Can you come to terms with that? That's the main consideration.

It sounds like a good opportunity but perhaps not totally practical. Only you can decide whether a 2 hour commute and much less time with your DS is do-able.

For me it wouldn't be but it for you/ depending on your situation it may be worth it in the long run?

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:23

Wiley, I could cope for six months, but DP is talking about 2-3 years.

OP posts:

maddening · 12/03/2013 19:27

Flexible hours? Squish hours in to 4 days? If you won't see dc anyway.

Would save on petrol and if you are going to see it as a hard slog to get the deposit. And you get a whole extra day with dc.

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:29

Flexible working isn't an option in my line of work. It's either have the house OR see DS during the week, no possibility of combining the two.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 12/03/2013 19:29

Can't your relatives rent it out and give you the money? I know that seems cheeky...but if they can offer it to you rent free, then they're not in dire straits.

destructogirl · 12/03/2013 19:30

2-3 years?! Bloody hell, YANBU.

goodygumdrops · 12/03/2013 19:34

I would do it if it weren't for your DS. No way would or could I go all week without seeing a 14 month old. Would your employer consider any kind of flexible working pattern to make it more feasible such as working from home a couple of days a week or compressed hours?

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:34

Mushroom, the plan initially was that this property would be sold and we would be given a chunk of the profit towards our deposit fund. But DP and his relation are saddened at the idea of losing the house, as I said, they're both quite sentimental about it. I'm trying to be understanding, but I really preferred the original agreement.

OP posts:

MrsHoarder · 12/03/2013 19:34

I wouldn't want to be beholden to the inlaws for my home for years. No way.

Then there's the commute, I commute like that two days a week and after the second I come in and sleep. And the petrol costs... There's no way I would do this.

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2013 19:34

I would not make life unpleasant for 2-3 years just to save for a deposit.

goodygumdrops · 12/03/2013 19:34

sorry cross posted

goodygumdrops · 12/03/2013 19:36

Are you sure flexible working isn't an option? You have a legal right to request it?

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 19:36

Hmm. Tricky one. I would always go with the free house, evenif it turns into a forever house. But then, no job means that much to me.

You obviously love your job (and your DS!) and that income is essential to save, so if you gave up your job, you'd also be giving up your chances of saving.

Is there any way you can make the commute better? Are there any alternate routes to work?

For what it's worth, DH works long hours all over the country he's often away, but he's always a minimum of about 2 hours away... he always always gets cuddles when he gets home if it's before 8pm and the children are always up and ready for school as normal the next day.

It's a real dilemma. I know what I would do in a flash BUT this isn't about me... I would discuss it further with both your DP and the family, maybe they will be able to come up with a solution (without being cheeky enough for just asking for the cash lol) I agree it would be an absolute drag, and if you have a pleasant home that's free, why would you need to save a deposit quickly?

MadeinMarch · 12/03/2013 19:37

I would talk to your DH and see if the original agreement can be reinstated!

This new plan is mad Imo, the more I hear about it.

nenevomito · 12/03/2013 19:38

4 hours communting a day is ridiculous and I'm not surprised you don't want to move. The extra petrol alone will take a sizable dent out of any savings you make anyway.

goodygumdrops - you have a legal right to be able to do flexible working, but the employer isn't legally obliged to give it, if they can give a reason why it doesn't work for them.

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 19:38

I agree about renting it out and splitting the rental price, then it's still 'in the family', you won't have a nightmare commute and you'll be able to save a bit slower for a deposit.

Perhaps your situation will change in a few years, you can always readdress the issue then.

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