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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to move?

88 replies

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:04

I feel like I might be being completely unreasonable.

DP and I currently live in rented accommodation. We've been offered the opportunity to live in a family owned property rent free to enable us to save a much bigger deposit for buying somewhere.

Unfortunately, the house is 60 miles from where we live now. It will dramatically reduce DP's current commute (which is now 32ish miles each way - mine is 25miles each way) but my commute will become 55miles each way through horrendous traffic taking over two hours each way. This will mean that Monday to Friday, I won't see 14mo DS at all. But on the plus side, we would be able to save £1000 a month in housing costs.

I've expressed my reservations about the length of my commute, and DP will say in one breath "I agree, its too far" but will immediately follow it with "... Even though this is our only way to save a decent deposit quickly". Which, obviously, makes me feel like shit. It doesn't help that he has very sentimental links to the house.

I also worry that, because of said sentimental links and because its free, he'll keep finding excuses to stay even when we've saved a deposit.

So vipers, AIBU?

OP posts:

drivingmisspotty · 12/03/2013 19:39

2-3 years I think yanbu. Your ds could be 4 by then. And that would be a 36, 000 deposit which would be ace but a lot more than most people have.

Are there any other ways you can scrape together a deposit? maybe use rent to buy or shared ownership? Also with new buy you can get a 95% mortgage on a new build property.

Perhaps you could persuade dh that along with one of those schemes you could live rent free for 6 months and then definitely move. Put it on this year's calendar and stick to it.

I also like mrs mushroom's idea if you feel you could ask them!

MrsHoarder · 12/03/2013 19:40

Hang on, just reread, you said DP. There's no way I'd do this if we we're married, far too easy to end up homeless, you've spent all your money on petrol and he's fine because he's been saving his income. Next he'll say "the family" will save it for you...

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 19:43

DP and I are getting married at the end of the year. I don't think he'd leave, but I get where you're coming from MrsHoarder, I would be in an incredibly vulnerable position.

OP posts:

whois · 12/03/2013 19:45

You need to do a proper cost benefit analysis. Saving rent if £1k offset against additional petrol costs plus the emotional costs of a massive commute and not seeing DS.

For me 4h per day drive is too much. I've done it and it was bloody exhausting and I didn't have any DCs to worry about.

Look at it this way, would you move to a job identical in every way to your current one, but it paid £12k more after tax a year and had a 4 hour commute? Personally I wouldn't.

I like the idea of renting out the house and splitting the proceeds.

Anomaly · 12/03/2013 19:48

YANBU not only would you be vulnerable in term of housing but if you only saw your son at the weekend your partner would be the primary carer.

It's not worth the money and you can never ever get this time back with your son.

FierceBadIggi · 12/03/2013 19:59

2-3 years, at the youngest part of your ds's life, no I don't think you are being unreasonable.
I'm sure I've read a thread like this a few years down the line - everyone unhappy and relatives having you under the thumb. If no-one wants to sell the house I think it's very possible your dh will want to live there forever.

SomeBear · 12/03/2013 20:00

You say that your DP is emotionally attached to the house - as is another relative - so does this mean you'll be comfortable there and make it your family home for the duration, or will you find that every time you try to move furniture or hang pictures you're told that [the previous owner] didn't used to be like that? I'd be worried about the shift in control (ie, living in someone else's house) as well as the long commute. The trouble is, saving for any sort of house deposit is impossible whilst trying to maintain a roof over your heads. Hope you sort out something that works for all of you.

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 20:04

The relative is willing to gut the house (it drastically needs it, at the moment its uninhabitable) to our tastes. This worries me more: what's the point in us picking fixtures and fittings for something that is supposed to be short term? I feel so conflicted. It's a very generous offer but I like having my own home, our commutes are equal once me doing the nursery run is factored in and I get a few hours with DS in weekdays.

OP posts:

IvorHughJangova · 12/03/2013 20:07

I couldn't do that. I'm completely with you. I know it's a great opportunity and all the rest of it, but 2-3 years of not seeing your son five days a week? Hell no....

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/03/2013 20:13

No way would I do this. All the signs are that you will be trapped in that house for far longer than 2-3 years. Lovely for your dp with his shirt commute but a 4 hour commute is not feasible long term.

Sod the deposit - you want to see your son (understandably) and maintain your career. No house is worth the compromises you are being asked to make.

Looking into my crystal ball - if you have another child it will become a lot harder. Then you decide to jack in your job. Then you're not saving so guess what - you are stuck in that house FOREVER!

You also need to think about the new area - schools, family support, friends etc

BarbarianMum · 12/03/2013 20:13

No, I wouldn't do it. The job or the house but not both. And tbh I think I'd go w the job.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 12/03/2013 20:17

Your DP needs to decide what's more important to him. A house or his son seeing his mother (you) during the week.

YANBU to not want to do this. I wouldn't, not while your DS is that age.

SomeBear · 12/03/2013 20:21

And what will happen to the house when you've saved sufficient deposit? Will it be sold or rented out when you leave? If so, what is stopping your DP and his relative from doing it up and selling it now - it is only bricks & mortar once it is stripped of the furniture and decorations, all the sentimentality is only memories of what was there. Who will be funding the refurbishment for your benefit? It might end up that you inherit less to offset the cost. I'm sounding a bit negative here, sorry... but I would hate feeling that I owe something to my in-laws, I'd find it hard to refuse any request for help / money if they could use the line "but you've only got it because you lived in X's house for free".

reddaisy · 12/03/2013 20:24

I definitely wouldn't do this unless it was a choice between having a roof over my head or not having a roof over my head. I see my DC very little during the week and it is unimaginable to not see them at all. Surely it would damage your bond over such a long period and it would leave you in a very vulnerable position indeed. No money of your own because you have spent it on petrol and your DP could potentially claim he is the main carer of your Dc. New plan needed, stand your ground!

Sunnywithshowers · 12/03/2013 20:24

YANBU at all.

Original poster

ballinacup · 12/03/2013 20:25

The relative in question would never hold it over us, however, they might whisper into DPs ear that he might as well stay.

DC2 is an issue that worries me as well..we currently live 10 miles from my DM, who was a lifeline for me when I had PND. Whereas the other house is within two streets of ILs (tooclosetooclosetooclose) but about 70 miles from my DM.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 12/03/2013 20:26

NO way I'd do this. Zero. Just no.

YANBU.

breatheslowly · 12/03/2013 20:32

YANBU - there is no way that I could not see DD all week. It would break my heart. I couldn't live that near my inlaws either

Could the house be rented and you be given the income?

CloudsAndTrees · 12/03/2013 20:32

So, there is the option that you could get the money you need for a deposit without moving to this place?

If you could avoid even a year of your life stuck in a care while you have a baby, then it's got to be worth it. Why is your DP more concerned about saving this house than he is about getting one for his own family?

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/03/2013 20:34

In that case it is a definite big fat no from me.

Do bit underestimate how much harder it gets when they start school, throw number 2 into the mix and you could be in an incredibly vulnerable position.

The only way I would even consider this is if I ha the potential to move closer with work but as you say that isn't an option I can't see how this would be feasible.

pansyflimflam · 12/03/2013 20:54

Yes agree with others here, madness lays this way.Your gut is saying no for lots of good reasons and you should here that. It is a generous offer but it is not workable and not good for you and your dc to spend so much time apart. There is another way here, rent it and take some profit from it. When offers seem to be too good to be true that is because they are.

Kat101 · 12/03/2013 21:00

The house is not free though is it, it comes with so many unspoken conditions and emotional tie-ins. It doesn't sound like you even want to live in it. And why on esrth would the relative do up the house to your tastes, unless they assumed you are going to be in there long term / forever.

Its unworkable. The road to nowhere. Do not agree, your gut instinct is telling you this is not right. The house should be rented and the income saved for your deposit.

DontmindifIdo · 12/03/2013 21:04

No - say to your DP it's not just the length of commute, it's that he's asking you to spend less time with your DS as you would if you spilt up and you were the non-resident parent. Tell him it's not fair to suggest you give up seeing your DS in the week just to save some money, ask him what price he would really put on his relationship with DS. Ask him if he thinks it's fair on DS that he'll never see mummy in the week?

He's laying the guilt trip on you thick, throw some of that back to him.

Don't do it. Really dont.

DontmindifIdo · 12/03/2013 21:06

oh and the fixing up the house to your tastes is setting you up for never leaving. This is about getting your DP and DS close to them, the damage this will do to your relationship with both your DP and your DS isn't important. Don't move into that house unless you are prepared for it being a forever house. It will not be a short term move, not without massive arguments and strain on your relationship.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 12/03/2013 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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