To not want to move?

[ballinacup]

I feel like I might be being completely unreasonable.

DP and I currently live in rented accommodation. We've been offered the opportunity to live in a family owned property rent free to enable us to save a much bigger deposit for buying somewhere.

Unfortunately, the house is 60 miles from where we live now. It will dramatically reduce DP's current commute (which is now 32ish miles each way - mine is 25miles each way) but my commute will become 55miles each way through horrendous traffic taking over two hours each way. This will mean that Monday to Friday, I won't see 14mo DS at all. But on the plus side, we would be able to save £1000 a month in housing costs.

I've expressed my reservations about the length of my commute, and DP will say in one breath "I agree, its too far" but will immediately follow it with "... Even though this is our only way to save a decent deposit quickly". Which, obviously, makes me feel like shit. It doesn't help that he has very sentimental links to the house.

I also worry that, because of said sentimental links and because its free, he'll keep finding excuses to stay even when we've saved a deposit.

So vipers, AIBU?

Can you not get a new job local to where you are moving to? Difficult decision, good luck making it. FWIW, I would move.

I couldn't do it.
What would that commute be like in a bad winter?

"The relative is willing to gut the house (it drastically needs it, at the moment its uninhabitable) to our tastes. This worries me more: what's the point in us picking fixtures and fittings for something that is supposed to be short term? "
Exactly. This is what had me reaching for my bargepole. And how long would it take to gut? And how much easier is it for your DP to whine say 'but it's all fixed up how we like it, why move and have to do it all again?' No, no, no, no, no!

I think you are right to think that you'd never winkle your DP out of this house.

No - the more you say the less willing I would be. It sounds like a honey trap to be honest. Close to the ILs, beholden to them even. To your detriment. They could sell the property and give you your deposit? But have a plan B ? Nonononono!

YANBU. 2-3 years is a reallly long time to give up so so much time with your child.
How much do you earn? (don't answer ) Could you quit and be either better off (you'll spend less on travel) or at least balance out with the £1000 saving and then try and do something less exciting but closer when your little one is in bed or at pre-school when he is older. Your dh would then at least get to live in the house he wants and you get to enjoy the very very precious years with your ds. You would not need to worry about moving so quickly either.

I even understand it to a degree if you are not married yet, but still.

Don't do it. You know you would regret it.

No way would I dream of agreeing to this.

YANBU just on the commute alone never min the rest of it! There is no way I would not see my DS (who's a similar age to yours) at all during the week, just no way.
Say thank you for the offer its very generous but no thank you it doesn't work for you.

yanbu your dc should be the most important consideration. He is much to young to spend so much motherless time.

I am guessing this is a GPs house where there is a sentimental attachment. Your PIL are being (maybe understandably) unreasonable about this. It IS unreasonable for them to expect you to disrupt your life so much when they could sell the house and give you a deposit. Stand your ground.

No way would I do this, no way. That's a massive commute, and you'll miss your child's pre school years. Your DP may be emotionally attached to the house, but you could point out that you are emotionally attached to your son!

And he's going to be no more keen to sell it in 2-3 years than he is now - less so probably - so you'll either end up commuting half your life for ever, or giving up your job.

I think it's unfair to put you in this position actually.

If you draw up a list of pros and cons your dh is all on the left and you are all on the right. It just isn't fair.

Your do gets the house of his dreams, a shorter commute, closer to his family, live rent free, more time with ds

You get a compromise house, nightmare commute, further from family, less time with ds

The only pro is that you will be able to save some money but for what? You'll never get your dp out of the house

Agree with most, he's putting bricks and mortar above your relationship with your son.
Even without dc I wouldn't do that commute every day, you will dread getting up every morning.
Sentimental reasons aren't good enough.

If your DH doesn't want to let the house go now due to sentimental ties, you've to no chance in another 2-3 years time as he'll have memories of you and your DS living there too. I think he's banking on you settling down there for good from what you say. Is that what you fear will happen?

If they were going to give you a lump sum on sale does that mean your dh has an interest in the property?

Saving a £1000 a month and DH's shorter commute would be a winner for me. It is so hard to save up for a deposit now and I think you have to think of the future.

Not seeing your DS is not on though. I would ask for flexible working hours, maybe working later on some days so you can finish early on a Wednesday or something so it breaks the week up.

What do you do? Is there any chance of working from home 1 or 2 days a week or doing a half day?

I would not do it. You'll never get those precious years with your DS back again. And it sounds to me as if your DH would never move from this house. I get the impression as well that he & his family are being somewhat manipulative of you, OP.

I would so not do it, my BIL doesnt see his kids on some days because hes out
before they up and in after bed time, and he finds it so hard sometimes.

If your not prepared to forgo seeing your son, i understand you dont want too, then dont.

It sounds like you'll be staying there, i'd say no and stay put.

I'm in a similar position at the moment where I'm having to consider living away some of the week and commuting the rest so I don't see the kids during the week. I have a 3YO, plus 3 older kids, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I'm just letting you know you aren't alone.

It feels like Hobson's Choice. Two - three years for a more secure future or moving us into a very financially precarious position. I'm not sleeping because of it. I understand your dilemma.

To all that have asked, flexible working simply isn't an option. I'm a solicitor and I need to be in the office to see clients every day. My employers would not be sympathetic with this, and working from home would not be an option (I asked when returning from maternity leave if I could work one day a week from home and this was flatly refused - fair enough on their part, but I can't see them changing their minds three months later).

Having done the sums, we would actually only be saving around £500 a month, once the increased fuel bills are taken into account. We'd also be losing our evening babysitter as my DM will watch DS whilst we go out, whereas PILs don't really like evening babysitting (again, fair enough, completely their choice).

A PP has assumed correctly that it is a GPs house. The GP in question only died very recently, so I've decided to keep putting off discussing it in as gentle a way as possible and, hopefully, when the time comes to having to make a decision about the property, DP and his relative will feel a lot less sentimental about it and won't be determined to have someone in the family living there. It seems unhealthy to me, like they want to enshrine it and to continue to have family gatherings there whereas, to me, it's a pile of bricks and mortar and the memories of the person that lived there are what is important.

You're doing the right thing, stalling on the decision as your DH and his family grieve. Decisions made in the wake of bereavement are not necessarily best long term.

My mum desperately wanted to keep my grandparents run down property after they died, for sentimental reasons. She was gutted that they couldn't afford the renovations and upkeep and reluctantly had to sell it in the end. Which was a blessing in disguise as my mum then died unexpectedly and the stress of having this empty 70's property 3 hours away solely resting on my shoulders as well as my own full on exhausting life wouldve been a nightmare. So much better that someone else can enjoy living in and owning the property and we can drive past every few years and fondly remember childhood memories without the burden of cost/time/energy.

"The GP in question only died very recently, so I've decided to keep putting off discussing it in as gentle a way as possible and, hopefully, when the time comes to having to make a decision about the property, DP and his relative will feel a lot less sentimental about it and won't be determined to have someone in the family living there."
Very sensible.

"Having done the sums, we would actually only be saving around £500 a month, once the increased fuel bills are taken into account."
Even more reason that it's a bad idea (not that any more reason was needed).

You are right to give them time to come to terms with their loss. It was hard selling our childhood home after our parents' died but it was the right thing in the end.

As well as the practical considerations already mentioned I agree with the posters who question if you would ever really be allowed to put your own stamp on the property. I suspect there wouldn't really be a sense of joint ownership as you have no history with the property but your DP and his family do.