aibu to think brother and sil are snubbing my mother or is it just paranoia?

[Paje]

Bit of backstory: my mother and my sil have never really gelled but were cordial enough. Last summer, my brother (rather stupidly, imo) confided in a drunken call to our mother that he and sil were having issues. Mum offered a lot of (unsolicited) advice to the pair of them. For whatever reason, they only resumed contact at Christmas -and only because she sent them a card.
Anyway, mum sends them a 1st class letter tuesday last saying she is to visit briefly sunday and will they contact her to confirm. Saturday morning arrives and not a word from them. They eventually speak to mum but ONLY after my other sister called them (they never seem to pick up to mum-they have caller ID). They said they had other things on and couldn't see her. However, mum went anyway as she had other reasons to be in the area. She called them while in the area on the sunday and they went to see her briefly. But she says they were offhand and sil seemed to ignore her.

I think they're cutting her off. AIBU?

2rebecca But my sil is screening the calls, hiding mum's letters (she has told me herself that she does this sort of thing. Not about mum, obviously) Sil can be manipulative, but to be fair, not nasty. She only gets sly when others attack her first).

So she is partially to blame. But, yes, my brother could always pick up the phone and call mum himself.

even then, don't get involved - try to build your relationship with yoru DB and your SIL apart from your DM, refuse to discuss it with her, stop her when she starts crying about it. It's of her own making and it is wrong that she uses you in this way.

More and more, it sounds like you and your DM think that your SIL should be the one to manage DB's relationship with his mother, force him to arrange to see her even when he's not fussed. However, you have to accept he's an adult, she's his wife, not his keeper, it's not her job to manage his relationships. If he doesn't want to see his mother, then that's his choice. If your mum wanted her SIL to basically force her DS to be more involved, then she really should have made more effort with SIL and not felt she had the right to say a few 'home truths' while then expecting that person to bend over backwards to manage her relationship with her adult son.

Your DB has made his choice not to see his mother. Your SIL sees no reason to try to change his mind (why would she want to do that when your DM brings nothing but hassle?), but that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with him, it will, however take self restraint on your behalf to stick to not talking about it (it might be worth saying to DB and SIL that you've told your mum wyou won't discuss him with her, so you dno't want them to discuss your mum with you, that way you can't be made to be 'piggy in the middle' by either party.)

This is the picture I'm getting: your brother is someone who was a (perhaps) bit neglectful about phone calls and such anyway. But (perhaps) your SIL was gracious enough to nudge him and organise visits. Then, they have a bad patch. He phoned his mother and talked to her about it all when he was drunk.

So, THEN, she gave her "advice". In the process of giving the "home truths" I expect she made it clear what your brother had actually said during the call. SIL probably felt a bit betrayed by this, but more importantly, I think your BROTHER might have been furious that what he said to his mother in confidence about his marriage was not only repeated, but used against his wife. Your mother hasn't apologised for all this, but your brother had to sort it out, in addition to the problems they were already having.

Now, it's a year later. Your brother may have stopped feeling incandescent by now, or he may not. This is either coming from him, or SIL doesn't feel obliged to organise his calendar for MIL's convenience. As I suspect he has a mobile phone of his own, and MIL has tried ringing it, I suspect he's screening calls too.

When your mum is in a position to be able to give a genuine heartfelt apology, and acknowledge that she should really not of used a situation where her son came to her for support to have express her disapproval, she may find they want to consider re building a new relationship.

but while she is in denial as the cause and effect of her unreasonable behaviour, they have no choice but to exile her,

Suggest she seeks out some cognitive behavioural therapy, so she can change her responses.

Then your SiL and brother will at least know she is making an effort.

the longer to she takes to realise it is her responsibility to fix the situation the more she will miss out on.

don't beat around the bush tell her you love her, but she has to do this, of everyone will feel awkward and stressed for years.

The more I read the more I feel sorry for sil.

Sounds like she's been awarded the role of family scapegoat.

I do sympathise with you to be honest - you are stuck between your mum and your brother. Because your SIL is not responsible for your brothers contact (and I know how it feels as I hoped when my brother got married that my SIL would try and get him to contact them more, but it is his issue not hers).

His autistic traits are not an excuse - he can understand that theres things that adults do because it is kind to others. Which is calling your mum, or at least sending an email or card. No matter how annoying they can be.

I'd send him an email and say 'look, I know mum is annoying, and she said things she shouldn't, but it does upset her that she can never contact you and hear about the lo, so could you please think about just phoning her occasionally' and leave it there so you've done all you can.

How long has he had his diagnosis of autism? Was he diagnosed as a child or as an adult? Has he had anyone to talk it all through with? Any support or been taught any skills that he struggles with?

See, my children both have autism. Severe enough that they will never marry. Never have a job. Never have a child of their own. Never live independently.

They are very loving. We have also spent a lot of time teaching them about social interactions and continue to do so. There is nothing about autism that means you don't care about people. Maybe that you need to be taught how to express it, taught the social niceties that NT people (generally ) just seem to pick up.

If your brother has a diagnosis of autism, this is not a reason to shrug and say oh well, he's not really responsible. If he can marry, have a child and hold down a job, he can be taught that you keep in contact with people. He can be told that people care about that and because there is nothing about autism that means you don't give a shit, if he knows that it matters to others, and he loves and cares about them - he can do things that make no earthly sense to him but which he understands matter to them. iyswim.

He has a wife, he has a child, he is obviously capable of loving and being active in someone's life.

I think you need to accept that maybe, just maybe, he actually feels, with cause, that he doesn't want much of a relationship.

OP: does your brother have a mobile phone?