aibu to think brother and sil are snubbing my mother or is it just paranoia?

[Paje]

Bit of backstory: my mother and my sil have never really gelled but were cordial enough. Last summer, my brother (rather stupidly, imo) confided in a drunken call to our mother that he and sil were having issues. Mum offered a lot of (unsolicited) advice to the pair of them. For whatever reason, they only resumed contact at Christmas -and only because she sent them a card.
Anyway, mum sends them a 1st class letter tuesday last saying she is to visit briefly sunday and will they contact her to confirm. Saturday morning arrives and not a word from them. They eventually speak to mum but ONLY after my other sister called them (they never seem to pick up to mum-they have caller ID). They said they had other things on and couldn't see her. However, mum went anyway as she had other reasons to be in the area. She called them while in the area on the sunday and they went to see her briefly. But she says they were offhand and sil seemed to ignore her.

I think they're cutting her off. AIBU?

Did you post about this in the summer just afterwards? It all seems very familiar.

I think whatever she said has pissed them off and they are distancing themselves from her.

It does sound like they are cutting her off - probably due to alot of unsolicited advice.

It's sounds like your mother has brought this on herself and owes them an apology. She also sounded like she tried to impose a visit on them which was rude.

I would imagine that your brother is embarrassed about what he did and your SIL is probably annoyed that he did it and that your mother had the input that she did . If that is now impacting on their relationship with her there's nothing you can do about it .

And FWIW your mother sounds manipulative.

So your mother gave a lot of unasked for advice (also known as interference) and this did not go down well?

Then she sent them a letter telling them that she was going to visit on a certain day and they needed to contact her to confirm. Not may she visit? But she IS visiting, She will be in the area. Kindly confirm that they will see her.

I think that would have got my back up, tbh. It's not really the best way to smooth things over if it is clear that someone isn't really very happy.

They said no, and she called them while she was there and I assume put some sort of pressure on for a visit?

And wonders why they were offhand with them?

She honestly doesn't know and neither do you?

Perhaps she should apologise for sticking her nose in and giving them a lot of unasked for opinions and take it from there? Maybe that was the start of problems? Really depends how she gave her unasked for and unwanted opinions, doesn't it? Did she do it gently, neutrally and prefaced by please don't think I'm interfering and stop me if i am overstepping the mark but... ?

Maybe she should ask them what she can do to improve the relationship?

Where's the What Hecate Said emoticon?

Did you post before about your mother telling your brother to leave the wife when he confided they were having problems then your brother freezing your mother out?!?

No. But this problem can't be unique. .

I imagine that mum wouldn't have offered tactful advice (and perhaps would've enjoyed laying into my sil a bit).

I don't thin IABU, but needed 2nd opinion. Thanks.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable to think they are snubbing her. I think they probably are.

And it sounds like she deserves it.

Even more so now after your second post!

So, if I confided in my mother, & then she spoke to (blamed?) my husband for the problems, I wouldn't want much to do with her for a while.

And telling someone that you are going to visit them?

That'd piss me off even if I wanted to see them!

I think that they are distancing themselves, yes.

Does it affect you?

Unreasonable for what? Thinking they are snubbing your Mother? No, ywnbu to think that, they clearly are snubbing her.
They however are certainly NBU to do just that!

She sounds like a MIL from hell, unsolicited advice, putting the boot in, telling them she is visiting, turning up at their house when they said no?

I'd freeze her out.

Hmmm...I'm going to disagree with the others and say that it's crap to cut your mum off over one incident.

Why did your mum have a go at your sil? Does your sil deserve a telling off?

I bet this cutting off business isn't being poineered by your brother.

Hey, I don't blame them as such if they are snubbing her. It kind of makes a difference to me as she is getting on a bit and, well, families don't exist in isolation.

But then I wouldn't give my children ANY advice about their relationships-unsolicited or not. Although, if they needed a bed to sleep in and/or in physical danger from a spouse I'd be there straight away. But that's different.

So what if my sil did deserve a telling off? Truth be told, it's irrelevant because: what good will it do? Couples-in my experience- do what they wish anyway in the end regardless of advice. Also, my mum appears to be the one (so is the general consensus here) who is being snubbed for her advice-yes I do think my sil is behind this. I don't blame her for snubbing my mum as such, but, yes, she is probably behind it. My brother doesn't care either way if he sees her or not.

How to make the peace again?

you can't.

Your mum can try.

I seriously doubt that this is a response to a single incident, is it? I bet she's got form. Has she?

If your mum wants to set things right - and not sweep things under the carpet! - then she's going to have to apologise for all the interference and promise to not stick her beak in again.

A perent is there to listen to a child and make non committal noises - not advise on teh state of the marriage.

Your brother is embarassed, your SIL is understandably annoyed, and your DM should have kept all opinions to herself.

My brother doesn't care either way if he sees her or not.

Your brother has made his choice.

My advice, let everyone get on with it, don't get involved.

I would stay out of this and tell your Mum you're not getting involved.

Are you close to your brother and SiL?

She can be a pain in the arse. She has really got a heart of gold, but can be blunt and tactless. They've done crappy things to her, too. It's hard to see who started it IYSWIM.

I just think that she saw the opportunity to tell my sil some 'home truths' without realising that there was a chance (although at the time it seemed a slim one) of her still being with her son a year later and is now paying for it.

It's obvious, really, that they are punishing her. Or, rather, my sil is using my brother's indifference about seeing his mother (he loves her, but doesn't see importance of regular visits/phone calls -like a lot of men I suppose) to her advantage i.e. no asking mum to visit them, or visiting her, no regular phone calls. She fell last year quite badly and they didn't visit.

If she brings this up, I'm going to -tactfully- suggest that she be the bigger person and apologise.

If she brings this up to me, that is.

It wasn't her place to tell her daughter in law 'home truths'. She needs to apologise for that and mean it. I think you are doing the right thing by suggesting this to her if she raises the issue with you.

Hopefully, they will respond by apologising for anything they have done that is out of order.

Don't make your sister in law the bad guy here. Your brother chooses to not stay in touch. He chose to not visit when your mother fell. Now, it may be easier to blame her, but if MY mum fell - I'd go and if my husband didn't like it, tough shit. The truth is that he isn't that bothered. That's not your sister in laws fault.