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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't be, surely?

116 replies

ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:47

Normally I would consider this question to have an obvious answer, but wanted to make totally sure by asking an AIBU. Thank you in advance for any input.

Married 2 years. I am currently employed earning around £35k. Husband unemployed but has savings of around £225,000. Separate finances since marriage started to go downhill. I have savings of about £25k. We are mid-20s.

He's having various problems at the moment and accuses me of 'squirreling away' my wages. We've been on the brink of divorce for a while. He thinks that if I were a good wife, I would have offered to pay for his counselling (depression from unemployment etc) as he doesn't have an income.

WTF? He's got hundreds of thousands?! Why should I be the cash cow?

If this were a happy marriage, then yes, we would have joint finances and I would therefore be paying, theoretically, 50:50 for his therapy. Is he not squirreling away his money by not spending it and looking at me to bankroll him instead?

His justification is that I have an income, and he doesn't. I thought interest could be deemed an income though, hmm!

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 12/03/2013 15:48

Yadnbu.

Ltb.

NinaHeart · 12/03/2013 15:49

YANBU. Not at all.

CinnabarRed · 12/03/2013 15:50

HIBU. No two ways about it.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about what your financial settlement might look like if you divorce? I imagine that you wouldn't be entitled to much of his savings given the short length of your marriage.

Xiaoxiong · 12/03/2013 15:50

YANBU.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2013 15:54

yanbu and I have to ask how much of the 225k is really his? - was it gained while you were married? Are you happy with your share?

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:54

CInnabar - I've put out feelers. Luckily, I have e-mails from him, from when we were dating, saying that he wanted all his assets to be 50:50, even before marriage. I've saved and backed those babies up!

He did backtrack a bit and said that he merely wanted me to 'offer' and he wouldn't dream of actually taking me up on it. Hmm. I'm doubtful.

He thinks that I'm squirreling away money and 'profiting from this marriage' because he looks after our pet all day. Said pet would otherwise go to daycare and I would pay 50% of that cost. AIBU to think that, if he's at home all day and not really bothering to apply for jobs, he should be looking after the animal? The pet already goes to care 2-3 days a week, of which I pay half.

OP posts:
badguider · 12/03/2013 15:55

he should be spending the first 200k of his savings, when he's down to 25k same as you then you can talk about sharing outgoings... but if he spends at the same rate as you earn that 200k should last him about 7.5 years. I'd hope he'd have a job (or you'd have left him) by then.

nilbyname · 12/03/2013 15:56

What does LTB mean....leave the bastard? Cor that was quick.

Ok you are both young, married 2 years and still in your twenties. I bet there is a pre-nup.

Do you want to save the marriage? Do you love him?

You need counselling for both of you. Would he pay himself a salary of say £25k a year for this year while he gets himself on his feet. You pool your £35/25K for the year starting now. Join finances. (leave the savings out of it), get marriage counselling, try and work it out. Give it a year.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:56

Laurie - all of it is his. He inherited it before we got married. However, interestingly, 80-90% of that money was gained from the sale of the house, which was part of the deceased's estate (a percentage of the house was gifted to DH). The house would have sold for far far less had my father not helped fix it up. My father fixed it up when we were GF and BF on the condition that my name go on the deeds...and then when it was sold, that my name go on the bank account the proceeds went into. Never happened. I have vague evidence of this plan in e-mails though.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 12/03/2013 15:56

Is this a joke?

pictish · 12/03/2013 15:57

Is he crazy? He is certainly unreasonable!

What a blagger!!!!

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:58

nilbyname - How I wish. No, I don't really want to save the marriage most days. You think this one thing is a joke? I've got a whole raft of stuff like this that he's said.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 15:58

YANBU.

You're also young, fairly solvent (£25k in savings is excellent) so you can quite easily leave the bastard, and save yourself a whole load of shit in years to come. If he's accusing you of squirrelling money away now, what's he going to be like in years to come?

To put another spin on it, my DH provided ALL money other than my student loan when we first met, he then had an accident and I then provided the entire income. His savings were spent on out life together, the inheritence I got from my Granny went into OUR pot as well. We agreed personal savings, but they were equal regardless of who brought the money in.

Floggingmolly · 12/03/2013 15:59

It sounds like a joke.

Zara1984 · 12/03/2013 16:00

YANBU

and you should leave him!

midastouch · 12/03/2013 16:00

Dont you get 50% of everything if you were to divorce anyway, so it doesnt really matter? I could be wrong?

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:01

The year before we got married DH states that he paid entirely for the two of us to live, eat, rent etc etc. I certainly don't agree - I paid the majority of the rent and had small income streams.

The first year of marriage saw me being the sole provider as we agreed to use his savings to buy a house. Ok, all good.

Marriage started to sour. I then got scared and said he had to reimburse me 50% of what we'd spent over the previous year. Blood.From.A.Stone.

It took months to get that money back.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2013 16:02

Then why are you letting it go? Confused

I'm afraid I'm a bit like a dog with a bone about this as I have seen women give all their money away in divorces dozens of times. To escape abuse, or because of guilt (usually imposed on them by the ex), for a quiet life, to get to keep the children etc etc

Please, please be really sure you want to give away this money. If not I would see a solicitor and ask what your interest in this money might be - if you have evidence then a portion of it may well be yours.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:02

Flogging - no, but the marriage is one. My parents have been saying LTB for about 9 months now. Do all divorces start like this? Feelings of 'yay!' one day and then, bam, you hate the sight of them all over again the next day?

OP posts:
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 12/03/2013 16:03

You know you aren't.

kinkyfuckery · 12/03/2013 16:03

Your pet goes into daycare? Seriously? I don't know if I hope you mean a child, or not.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:03

Laurie - I'm sure as F not letting it go - not least because my poor father worked so hard on that house and he deserves the up-shot of it.

I'll be planning on getting my rightful portion of the house money back and then be suing him for costs should we go into divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
Methe · 12/03/2013 16:04

Aside from the money..

Divorce him. You obviously hate his guts.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:04

kinky - no, not a child! As my mother says, 'thank GOD there are no children!'

I just didn't want to name the type of pet as it would be quite identifaible if he were to bizarrely stumble upon this

OP posts:
Corygal · 12/03/2013 16:05

I couldn't be married to someone that mean, OP - he's making good money out of you. Which might be ok in loads of situations but a) you aren't getting anything out of it b) he's asking for more.

Why doesn't he work?