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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't be, surely?

116 replies

ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:47

Normally I would consider this question to have an obvious answer, but wanted to make totally sure by asking an AIBU. Thank you in advance for any input.

Married 2 years. I am currently employed earning around £35k. Husband unemployed but has savings of around £225,000. Separate finances since marriage started to go downhill. I have savings of about £25k. We are mid-20s.

He's having various problems at the moment and accuses me of 'squirreling away' my wages. We've been on the brink of divorce for a while. He thinks that if I were a good wife, I would have offered to pay for his counselling (depression from unemployment etc) as he doesn't have an income.

WTF? He's got hundreds of thousands?! Why should I be the cash cow?

If this were a happy marriage, then yes, we would have joint finances and I would therefore be paying, theoretically, 50:50 for his therapy. Is he not squirreling away his money by not spending it and looking at me to bankroll him instead?

His justification is that I have an income, and he doesn't. I thought interest could be deemed an income though, hmm!

OP posts:
nilbyname · 12/03/2013 16:05

This relationship is so driven by £ it is disgusting, what ever happened for richer/poorer? You made him give you back 50% of what you had spent the year before when you said you were supporting him? But he bought a house for you both? My mind boggles.

TBH and completely frank you both sound rather awful and it would probably be best to walk away, chalk it up to experience and try and move on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2013 16:07

Savings, from earning or inherited wealth, he has a nice financial cushion, good for him - yanbu, finances are already separated, you are earning, hardly soaking up his bank balance.

So often on the point of separation a list appears, detailing perceived faults on the part of one spouse. He's obviously started on his already.

Was the pet a joint purchase? Hope s/he won't suffer from household tension.

Methe · 12/03/2013 16:07

Is it a Koala?

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:08

nil - no, he never bought us a house. He led me to believe that my name shouldn't be on the bank account of the proceeds to the house he sold (which he inherited) and that the money from the sale should not be spent. Thus, we had to spend my savings during the first year of marriage.

And, I was fully signed up to 'for richer or poorer' and then when he said he wanted to go back to his home country because he didn't like his educational course, what kind of idiot would have been ok with that? When he had that 'turn and burn' attitude, I wanted my money back.

Corygal - he doesn't work because the job he had lined up required him to pass exams, which he has failed twice now. He's now not applying because he's moping.

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nilbyname · 12/03/2013 16:11

thunder there i wanted my money back, from what you have written here, he sounds pretty awful, but in a marriage I just think you can't say "I want my £ back now" It is not like you get a refund on it!

Like I say, walk away. Take what you feel is yours, get good legal advice.

BeaWheesht · 12/03/2013 16:12

God this thread is so depressing.

Don't you love him? Did you ever? Marriages have bad patches, people are twats sometimes but surely the point is that you keep trying?

Dannilion · 12/03/2013 16:15

Seems to me that your marriage is entirely consumed by greed. You don't seem to like each other half as much as you like money, so just call it a day. DP and I have supported each other through skint uni days, his trade drying up and child rearing and never once discussed who was putting in more or less financially. I'd rather live in a tent alone than be stuck in a relationship like yours for the sake of 'not losing that money'.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:15

Bea - yes, of course I loved him. However, when he retorts to things like my dad saving him £50,000 on house repairs: 'well, nobody asked him to help fix it'...I despair. What kind of ungrateful attitude is that?

Yesterday, I got home from a 12 hour day and he just messes around on his computer with earphones in. I literally have conversations with The Pet (ok, ok,it can be a koala!).

He decided yesterday tha the didn't want to take his anti-depressants any longer. So, around 9-10pm when he's coming down off the last dose, he just tried so hard to pick an argument with me. Got the usual swearing. So, I'm really sorry it's depressing, but be glad you aren't living it and have to be 25 and divorced as the sign on your forehead!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:16

Dannilion - I'm not remaining with him for the sake of not losing the money. There will be a fight over it in divorce court no matter what, I suspect.

I merely wanted to know if IWBU because when someone (DH) drums and repeats something enough, you begin to doubt yourself.

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Methe · 12/03/2013 16:20

I'd rather be 25 year old divorcee than a 80year old married to a man i've hated and resented for 50odd years.

BeaWheesht · 12/03/2013 16:23

Look, I was married at your Age too and we have had times when things have been shit I just don't get all this 'my dad saved you X' 'I earn Y' 'I inherited Z' mindset. Dh has always earned more than me but never once have we discussed his money and my money since we moved in together. It's just very strange to me and you seem to say that he's obsessed with money but being perfectly honest you sound to be the same.

Out of interest how did your dad save him 50k?? Also your parents sound waaaay too involved in your marriage but again, my opinion only and based on minimal info.

I'm sorry you're going through this - you've been married such a short time it must all come as an enormous shock.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:24

Methe - I agree. I'm just at that stage where I still have the hope in my head of 'well, maybe he'll "get it" one day and realise he's being a prat...and then we'll be fiiiine"

My parents advise to stop making excuses for him and that he'll never change. He's been mentally in a bad place for, essentially, the duration of our marriage. Thing is, despite my efforts, I don't think I can get this horse to drink.

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Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:26

Bea - my dad did the repairs to my husband's inherited house. Builders were previously quoting costs of £50,000. My dad did it for free.

It is an anormous shock and I have a sense of 'whoa! When the hell did it go this wrong?!'

2 years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. I think now it's more so because he is unemployed and, at his age (28 at the end of the year), it's looking pretty bad for him. He has had no proper job before - either due to education or whatever.

OP posts:
PandaNot · 12/03/2013 16:27

I have never said LTB on here because I can always understand (sort of!) why there might be a glimmer of a reason for staying. But in this case it's definitely a big, fat LTB I'm afraid!

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:28

Gah, sorry, ultimate crime of drip-feed. The day after DH said that a good wife would contribute to his therapy fees, an item was delivered. An item of clothing he had ordered which was feduced from £800 to £400 Hmm

He said that he needed it to make him feel happy with his current unemployment

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BeaWheesht · 12/03/2013 16:28

I don't think it's looking bad because of his age - he has savings to keep him going after all. I'm 31 and have been a sahm since finishing Uni but still have hope of a career !

He has depression though - it is a horrendously debilitating illness.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:29

Panda - oh, don't worry! I don't consider the 'LTB' a bad thing. I think I view it as support to do what I really should be doing. I need it drummed into my head...as well as, preferably, the notion that, actually, despite what he may say, I'm not a bad person or evil etc etc.

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Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:30

Bea - he refuses to spend these savings as "it's all I've got".

I've demanded he go seek help for his depression, which he reluctantly did. Even our mutual friends, some of whom are nurses, were saying getting help was an absolute must.

He's now decided that he has nothing left to say to the therapists and the drugs are not helping. In essence, he's decided to shun everyone else because he knows best.

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Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:36

Bea - sorry, to elaborate. I realise, having had depression myself, that getting out of the house and doing things helps. So, I arranged with a good friend of his for the three of us to go and do something. It would have cost £8 each. He exclaimed that he couldn't afford it.

He spends all day, every day in the house. He doesn't want to leave (he also has Aspergers, so feels more comfortable being a hermit). Since he's there anyway, is it so bad of me to expect him to look after the koala?! The koala goes to day care 2-3 days a week so it's not like he doesn't get a break. We split day care costs 50:50.

OP posts:
BadLad · 12/03/2013 16:38

I think he is being unreasonable for asking you to pay for his counseling, and I can see the logic in considering what your father did in repairing the house when contemplating a post-divorce settlement.

I don't really get the working out how much 50% of the past year's expenses are when the marriage turns sour, however.

mabongwen · 12/03/2013 16:42

What sort of weird money driven marriage is this?! (sorry to be blunt)

Me and my DH went through about 6 months of not having a pot to piss in, we lost everything moved in with my mother and have only just got back on our feet. Both now employed and starting to be able to survive.

Honestly, just leave him and cut your losses. You are all behaving like spoilt brats! my monry this money blah blah blah. There was never any contracts just verbal agreements and your husband has reneged on them. That's why you don't do business with loved ones. You have a job and 25k in savings, what are you worried about? Just leave the rings unless you want to sell them on the kitchen table and walk away. You don't need him or his money. You are 25 I am 23 got married at 21, some say we were to young but we managed, you will too.

We all make mistakes in life.

fififrog · 12/03/2013 16:43

Goodness what an awful situation. However, as regards the money, I can see why some folk are saying in a healthy relationship you shouldn't care less about who puts in what, but to me it is mighty suspicious if you make an agreement with the woman you love then go back on it. My DH and I had our house registered in an unequal share to begin with just in case (we weren't married then) - why wouldn't you if you're an honest person and you're not planning to do the dirty you have no reason not to be generous on paper as well as in thought.

It doesn't sound like you have kids? I'd be tempted to see a solicitor ASAP. It's hard if he's depressed. My ExP of 7 years was in a really bad way and I felt like a shit for leaving him (still do 12 years later if I stop to think) but there was a limit to the psychological abuse I could take.

I have a lovely image of you taking your tiger koala for a walk in the park now :)

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:43

"I don't really get the working out how much 50% of the past year's expenses are when the marriage turns sour, however."

We were only spending my savings that year (his savings are not in Sterling) because he said he was wanting to keep his savings for us to buy a house. Thus, of course I was more than happy to pay for both of our ways.

However, when his course was souring, he said he wanted to go back to his home country. Had I had an affair or something, fine. I could see his logic. But, effectively, he was ready to abandon me and our marriage because he didn't like school!

No way, in my book, that's not on. So, interpreting his actions to mean 'yeah, have a nice life Thunder', I then looked at him saving his money "for our house" as a castle in the sky. So, if he was ready to elave the marriage through no fault of mine, why should he have had the last year as a free ride and walk away having profited from me.

Most divorces would start at 50:50. So, since he said he wanted to go home, I demanded he reimburse half of what I had spent keeping the two of us alive. I spent that money under the promise that his money would be untouched so that we could buy a house.

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YouTheCat · 12/03/2013 16:46

Leave him. You could do it now, you have the luxury of savings.

Then start divorce proceedings and take half. He will not change and it will be so much more difficult if you have kids together.

mabongwen · 12/03/2013 16:53

you said the 225,000 is offshore? youv'e got no chance of getting it. It's in his name in a offshore account, nobody can touch it except him I think. He could disappear tomorrow via Heathrow and you would be screwed Shock

My husband is non UK EU national, if he ever put anything to a account in his home country I have no claim to it. So yeah guess what, its all in a one big pot with both our names on the lid. there is about 27p in there right now Grin